ponderinsilence

[ponderinsilence]

the room bleeds red

spilling out into the night

once again faced with what

i didn't do this time

green to red and back again

what the hap is fuckening ?

blinking in and out of seasons

reasons, months, years even

not going with the flow but rather

succumbing to it — letting myself drown

(let myself down)

i've been underwater for a lifetime

light from above stays distorted and distracting

im trying too hard to be someone im not

who am i really? i must've forgot

all the smoke has gone to my head

sometimes when i wake i think im already dead

this is what hell must feel like, right?

green to red to green to red

i don't slow at yellow lights i speed up instead

red to green and back again

the cherry on top is bright hot and blinding

staring into the fire for it's hypnotizing

mesmerizing, death defying...

i flick the flame on and the lies come out flying

if i stare long enough into the abyss,

i just start crying

(i stare longingly into the abyss that im high in)

im lying, im writing (lying on the bathroom floor)

im trying to be quiet but the door

has broken hinges

the further it opens the louder it gets

i pull it shut without warning

afraid i've startled them all awake

enough for them to see they've made a big mistake

at least,

that's what i tell myself under red skies at night

tucked away in a corner of the well worn floor, i —

red sky in the mourning, sailors ashore

— i find myself drowning forevermore

[ponderinsilence]

dying young may be an honor

but dying old is your goddamn right

no matter the thoughts suddenly creeping in

no matter the skeleton itching underneath your skin

take it in

take it in

slow and steady win the race

I think I lost my sense of taste back when

the virus hijacked my brain

and deep fried the hard drive

I've been going insane

trying to fix something I just gotta replace

face it, you have doubts towards a faceless sky

but all around us is living proof

of those who keep going, keep pushing on through

too afraid to take a look at the edge of the roof

don't give them their final solution

the less of us to live, the more of us to die

the easier to control a people in disguise

throwing up words onto a page

I can't begin to explain the deranged

thoughts that spill out like ink from a pen

that exploded in the palm of my shaking hand

[ponderinsilence]

so tired of sleeping alone

clutching onto the unknown

with a white knuckled grip

bodies flash behind my eyelids but

faces never seem to stick

choked out prayers escape my lips

i float adrift

slowly into haunted seas of ships

lulling me into a false sense of

dreamless sleep

the siren does not call for me

i feel dizzy, high, seasick

are you ready for my next trick?

joint goes out in a single flick

spread the ashes in our garden bed

pray for the soil to be fed

you always just left me on read

that's what swims around my head

pressure building until the thunderclap

blinding rainbow flash of light

migraine with an aura now?

can't think straight

never could—oh wait

bet you didn't see this crazy ace

up a sleeve like a multicolored scarf

tugging and praying and begging for the end

just for a new color to appear

as quickly as the next

person you meet in clown makeup

all i see are people but not people and i

don't know why i play pretend

to try and force a star into a heart shaped box

i wear striped socks

maybe i feared clowns back then because

deep down i am one

feel the stage lights burn the dried paint

chipping off my cheeks not fully

but an awkward stalemate

with the tears carving paths out for themselves

they refuse to be dammed anymore

i am someone and no one

no one is what they see

because i don't even know what

i am to me

alone or a loner or forever

cold, desperate, broken

broken

everybody thinks they know how to fix me

everybody thinks they know how to fix me

everybody thinks they know how to fix me

nobody knows how to fix me

[ponderinsilence]

cold november air — do i dare not care

for the longing of the bleeding

and the leaving? am i deceiving?

do i tremble when i speak in quiet tones

across the void?

the floor is made of lava — brava, brave soul

here comes the hero to douse the flames

with water from another county since

we've been in a drought since late september

it's raining now

[ponderinsilence]

Hate

Hate all the art I create

Bullshit mistakes left unchained to a rhythm

Unchanging blind as I await a dreamless escape

Quiet in a house left unmade

Unafraid of things that go bump in the night

Until the shadows left behind laugh at you

Quiet screams with trembling fear

Its sincere

Its clear you can take my fight my soul my

Dreams

Dreams too afraid to die left behind

In minds unmade

Wait

Wait for a noiseless flight down to

Your tap overflowing, spilling, drowning out words

Outwardly unchanged in the darkness lit by lamplight

[ponderinsilence]

i long for a place that has never existed

lost on the beaten path of least resistance

a fork in the road you failed to mention

guess i should've paid closer attention

the tension ascension

prevention in the way to stop forest fires

i aspire to stop, drop, halt and catch ire

for wanting a home that sits in consistence

settling with the bones and the windows and the dishes

[ponderinsilence]

three crows are following me one for the death of me one for the loss of my sanity one for my soul as it's

drowning drowning drowning

three crows watching me circling a dead bird on the side of the road rotting slowly like the words i swallow

i am a coward and the crows know it are they trying to tell me something? an omen to plague my daydreams goodnight my friends

choking on iron for my anemia crying over roadkill drowning in tears as i drive i keep all my thoughts to myself because if i open my mouth to speak blood will fall out

no one wants to hear the truth

i am afraid of dying i am afraid of lying i am afraid of these fucking crows

not yet a murder but a death all the same

[ponderinsilence]

if you die in your dreams do you die in real life? dreaming of a life lost to the endless void you wake up from the feeling of falling have you ever fallen from a height so high? did you die? you woke up instead but your mind is still falling falling into oblivion you're reaching out to hold onto nothing grasping onto open air thick with fear and screaming and oh the despair you there - are you really there? are you dead?

you're still falling you never stop falling your chest constricts i'm a liar i'm a liar

my dear, my friend you are alive but you are dead, i fear you've been falling

forever

[ponderinsilence]

i slow to a stop at the red light it's midnight - i rub my eyes it just blinks back at me you are alive, it says it whispers in my mind, i swear it i am alive, i tell myself as i drive off into the dark oblivion, really where do i go next? where do i go where do i -

i think i lost my way there's no paper map in the glovebox there's no service on my cellphone the lights blink back at me from the rearview mirror objects may be closer than they appear but you're not behind me you're eighty miles away confined in stone and wood and plastic nothing left to remember you by but your bones and a golden name plate on polished granite

blink blink so i can feel alive again blink so i know you're there somewhere tell me i didn't make a mistake tell me my choices were my own tell me -

the red lights flashed because of a power surge streetlights do not speak to you in morse code your grandparents are dead half a state away you are alone in your car

and no one uses their blinkers out here

[ponderinsilence]

i ripped the tape off my eyes today no longer tired or inspired inspiration died in my last sleep wide awake, eyes bloodshot stop drop roll the tape of my latest escape running from the walls, running toward the perimeter east is the only direction i know up, up, up where the sun rises and all i can see are the blinding lights of morning air don't stare—the light will engulf you; drown you, crown you, swallow you whole, then spit you back out fumbling around blindness, spineless, alone trust me, i know from experience no figment of delusion or helping hand hallucination could solve the problem of the sun like taping our eyes shut does but please don't ignore this desperation in my cries because keeping your eyes shut kills you in your dreams wake up, sigh, brush your teeth, scream save the tape for a rainy day your hands are restless; rinse, don't be late

repeat repeat repeat after me:

don't stare into the sun but run towards it regardless it is warmer on the other side

i promise i promise