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Fake Movie + Series Review

Killer Queens - Rating: B

Director: Hugo Gaylord

Runtime: 120 minutes

Rating: R

Cast: Roseline Desrameaux, Chloe Yates, Ophelia Altomare, Lila Wong, Tracey Harper

Killer Queens is an oxymoron of a film; it is an homage to the action genre and the gratuitous violence that typically embodies said genre, yet seems to tip toe around its glorification. What could’ve been a typical shoot-em’-up film only had one death that didn’t happen off-screen, a purposeful choice by director Hugo Gaylord to highlight the impact of that death on the cast of misfits it has strung together.

Toting an all-female cast and a desolate backdrop of endless desert, the film is filled with bravado and loosely choreographed fight scenes documenting the war between two spiteful ex-bounty hunters and the hunter that costed them their careers. Played by Roseline Desrameaux, Allison is the unfortunate neutral party that was unintentionally drafted into the conflict while hitching a ride with Jordan (portrayed by Chloe Yates) following an unfortunate bus breakdown. Everything after this fateful encounter is a challenge of Allison’s limits and the foundation of her relationship with Jordan. While the rapid development of their friendship feels forced, their bond is pivotal to the development of both characters and the eventual resolution to their struggles. Ilaria, played by Ophelia Altomare, is their plus-one who shoots a sniper rifle a couple of times and looks cool, but is otherwise strangely aloof and detached from the rest of the cast.

Lila Wong and Tracey Harper, playing the film’s antagonists Jiao and Helena respectively, bring a morbid charm to the film with their performance. Despite the rotten personalities exhibited by Jiao and Helena, their dynamic of snide insults and reluctant partnership is one of the more compelling parts of the film. Whether it’s chatter over the dismembering of a corpse or screaming at one another about spilled coffee in their car, they act as the glue holding together the film regardless of the irreverent strangeness of their motivations.

Promises of bombastic action found in the trailer are greatly overshadowed by the juxtaposition of the personalities of the characters. A massacre is attributed to the classic “my hand slipped” excuse by one character, while one death is framed as an astronomical mistake that cannot be reconciled. The plot also takes a backseat to the characters and their interactions, but this does not lessen the film’s impact on its audience considering the depth of each member of the cast. Although not a perfect film, Killer Queens is a meaningful coming-of-age story that re-frames many common action film tropes and showcases its unique cast with poignant clarity.

Killer Queens Episode 13 – Rating: F

I originally would not have dignified this festering pile of crap with a review, but I’m doing it if only to save viewers from the squandering of great promise and a waste of their time.

Obvious spoiler warning, but considering how outlandishly out of character and shoehorned these events are, I fail to see how they could be considered in the Killer Queens canon.

Jordan realized she was never a woman and was always a man. Chloe Yates, a transgender actress, actually refused to do this episode after reading the script once and Jordan was instead played by a poorly done CGI version of Yates.

Allison, a woman who is not interested in romance or marriage, is suddenly married to Jordan and pregnant with their first child.

Helena was brought back from the dead. Yes, after spending part of the movie and 12 episodes dead and rotting, she is alive. She’s also married and has two kids. Helena’s worst fear is literally listed as “commitment.”

It is revealed that Jordan is Helena’s child via time travel. Ah, that explains why they both have square jaws. Amazing!

Jiao is released from prison despite 12 episodes implying she would never be allowed to leave. She seems to have found a boyfriend too, despite being another character that is not interested in romance.

Ilaria is not mentioned even once. She was a recurring presence throughout the film and series, so where is she in the grand finale?

It seems ALL of the problems in the Killer Queens universe have been completely resolved. All “the bad guys” are dead. Every single one of them. I’m not joking.

I understand this episode was in response to the series suddenly being cancelled and the result of the original writing team slowly disappearing, but this?

I hear Hugo Gaylord, the original film’s director, is suing the writers.

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DRAFT GROUP LAYOUT - Killer Queens

All female

based in Southwestern United States (New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, parts of Southern California, Utah, Colorado) 

Three factions - Killer Queens (Slightly Less Evil), United States Women’s Hunting Guild (Not Good People), neutral (u get paid by the government sometimes but no other benefits besides the fact u don’t gotta listen to anyone)

Is this even vaguely based off actual bounty hunter practices?? lol no

People can app unlimited targets of any gender but they are limited in how much they can do

Targets solely for being killed off/captured/sternly scolded

Every job gets a star ranking, as does every member of every faction

five star - wow holy shit better bring out the big guns/this is a hardened veteran hunter. one star - u gotta tell the kid down the street to stop spray painting cartoon penises everywhere/eh u do really simple basic missions

five star jobs will not end easily, u gotta be ready to drag it out if u app a five star target

yes some missions can be SUUUUUUUUPER mundane and aren’t necessarily killing, like escorting someone’s 79 year old grandma to the movies or watching someone’s dog for the weekend

USWHG doesn’t do as many of those types of missions 

actually doing the Violence Thing is optional tbh. your character can do pacifist type missions if violence isn’t ur cup of tea (ex: capture alive, escort missions, SCOLDING missions)

Administrative + other types of jobs can be apart of the guilds w/o necessarily being a hunter (ex: payday distribution, lawyers, top secret job delivery, secretary or smth, taxi driver)

nsfw permitted but sexual content is 18+ (aka, if u are not 18 or older, u cannot rp sex stuff please no)

particularly violent rps/scenarios must be tagged as nsfw and be appropriately tagged (ex: gore, eye trauma, torture, etc. etc.)

please don’t go too wild.... this is probably going to be a group with a lot of violence but even some things are too much.... 

if you’re dealing with a sensitive issue, please be mindful of that fact and don’t treat it like a joke

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Angelica Aesthetics

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Character Dynamics, and other OC related things I like

Chronic thirst. like just missing someone a lot and constantly thinking and worrying about them. NOT NECESSARILY ABOUT HORNY OR ROMANTIC FEELINGS 

I’m not about extreme possessiveness but occasionally doing something childish because someone is jealous is my fave 

suddenly leaving unannounced and one person being really worried. related to chronic thirst i guess 

definitely unrequited love, but where the two characters can still co-exist and have a platonic relationship. 

A typically emotionally distant person struggling to hide concern and/or feelings for someone HEH 

friends who have sex sometimes but are still very good friends. no romantic feelsies necessary 

found families where somebody beforehand had a really bad/distant blood family and now realize they have found someplace they belong and have a true family that cares about them 

dysfunctional families are interesting but they can be a little painful to write/create 

flawed love. Whether that mean people with different morals coexisting, having to come to terms with certain aspects of one another, seemingly always clashing, or just having to work at improving a relationship. Again, not necessarily romantic. 

Male masochists……….. 

Female sadists……………. 

FEMDOM………………………………………… 

Getting used to someone’s presence and then realizing how much one took said presence for granted when they’re gone EHHHHHHHHHHHEHEHEHE 

Generally getting someone flustered and blushy gets me very “HEEEEEEEEEEEEH” 

Giant unapologetic crushes where someone gets embarrassed and nervous just by talking to their crush. Bonus if eventually the person learns how to talk to their crush normally tho 

ROTTEN WOMEN WHOSE MOTIVATIONS AREN’T NECESSARILY “SOMEONE WRONGED ME ONCE” 

Wanting to monopolize someone but not acting on it necessarily. aka don’t fucking lock up your gf if you’re jealous I’M LOOKING AT YOU SHOUJO MANGA 

Slowly becoming used to one another and organically entering a comfortable relationship. 

THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPp 

Asshole characters that don’t get everything they want and are forced to change so they can coexist with someone and become a BETTER PERSON 

VILLAINS THAT BECOME WEIRD FAMILY MEMBERS 

Cartoonish villains no one takes seriously

friendly rivalry where the two compete to become better than the other at something. AND THEY GROW IN THE PROCESS

polyamorous relationships where all members love one another and don’t view the others as a threat. (a small pinch of jealousy is good tho)

repairing longtime damaged relationships after both parties have grown a little

exes that quarrel a lot and still have a little feeling for one another left tbh

SEXY ONES BELOW

Sexy ones if ur a Small Child please don’t read

Surprise Footjobs under tables in public places 

Healthy bdsm relationships where YOU Don’T FUCKING IGNORE SAFEWORDS

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Timeline for the Lost Forest Coven grounds and the Daniels Family

1742 - First building built, originally acting as a refuge for runaway slaves. Population of 10.

1755-1760 - Slowly trickling in, users of magic begin appearing in the records. Total population of 22 by 1760.

1762 - First registered Daniels family member shows up in written record. Elizabeth Daniels. Population of 26.

1764 - Mysteriously “unexplained” death of an original resident. Population of 25.

1766 - Magic users outnumber the original demographic. Population of 29.

1770 - Fire destroys the first ever building and either kills or sends most of the residents fleeing. Two of the original residents remain. Population of 8.

1781 - Coven officially founded. Blood binding ritual makes Elizabeth Daniels the leader of the coven and the rightful owner of the grounds. Population of 9.

1790 - Elizabeth Daniels dies of old age and is succeeded by her daughter Cornelia. Population of 8.

1799 - Cornelia Daniels is murdered and succeeded by her sister Esther. Population of 7.

1799 - Esther Daniels is found dead and is succeeded by Cornelia’s daughter Judith. Population of 6.

1800-1840 - Judith Daniels heads the coven. Population of 7.

1841 - Judith Daniels dies of sickness and is succeeded by her daughter Hannah. Population of 6.

1841-1890 - Hannah Daniels heads the coven. Population of 7.

1890 - Hannah Daniels dies of sickness. She is succeeded by her granddaughter 

WORK IN PROGRESS WORK IN PROGRESS

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Coven AU Questionnaires Masterpost

Helena 

Ilaria

Jiao

Nuru

Crina

Yurii

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Coven AU Questionnaire: Nuru Uduak

How long have you known the Daniels family? What is your connection to them (if you have one)?

....Awhile. I don’t remember. My family probably knows more than I do. 

How long have you been at the coven?

I arrived at 18, so 19 years. 

What role do you play? (Ex: headwitch, servant, witch, grocery store cashier, etc)

Witch. Unofficial award show predictor. (you don’t need magic for that one, to be honest) Procrastinator and Timeline Jumper. I sound like the perfect sci-fi young adult novel protagonist. Hire me.

Do you have any special abilities? (Ex: telekinesis, able to lick your elbow, etc)

Near perfect clairvoyance, time jump, consciousness jump. It’s a long story, but I can basically swap minds with people. I’ve been told my abilities are too “sci-fi” to be a witch. No one in the coven has really tried to.... teach me anything since they don’t understand the stuff I can do. I’m not even sure if these abilities are necessarily... “mine.” 

....I’ve said too much. Sorry. <sputters>

What do you think of how the coven is run?

It’s tolerable. The er... helpers are always around when we need stuff, Helena keeps things running relatively smoothly, and the grounds are well protected. Overkill, but well protected all the same. I should find out why the birds still chirp despite that.... what did she call it? “Death barrier?” 

What is your greatest desire? What do you hope to learn/improve on in the future?

To.... To make up for my mistakes. I’d say more but... I don’t think I’m ready to go any deeper than that. As for learn or improve on.... I’d like to learn everything. Literally everything. Helena promised she’d try and get more books for the library. She’s a filthy liar. 

What do you like to do in your free time?

Infomercial clairvoyance exercises, doing morning exercises with accompanying music full blast to wake everyone up, jumping through time for silly reasons, fucking over my past selves with bad timelines, reading, learning everything I can, poking around in the Daniels archives, hanging out in the garden and library... heh, I guess I’m not as lethargic as I thought I was. 

Where is your favorite place to be in the coven? Do you wish you were somewhere else?

The library. I’ve read almost all of the books and I wish for more. But Helena keeps....! <exhales> I already mentioned that. 

Not really. I feel safe here. I sometimes miss home, but not as much anymore.

Why are you here?

To be someplace I can’t be hurt or hurt people. I mean, I could hurt the other residents but that’s better than everyone. ...That was kind of cold wasn’t it? Oops.

I’d also like to better understand the origin of my abilities. I guess being around people accomplishing the impossible everyday is a better bet than anything else. I’m so close to an answer.... yet not.

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Coven AU Questionnaire: Jiao Luo

Woahhhh is that a Camera?? I didn’t know we had a camera! You should’ve told me that earlier! I could’ve been making my latest parkour masterpiece and shared it with the world!!!

How long have you known the Daniels family? What is your connection to them (if you have one)?

Ahhhh my family and the Daniels’ family apparently go farrrr back! Way back to my.... great grandma? They used to fight about what was good and bad magic! My grandma was kind of a badass y’know?

How long have you been at the coven?

My mom and dad couldn’t agree on who would take care of me after their divorce so they dropped me off at the coven with just a suitcase when I was.... 4? It was a good thing Helena found me when she did, considering it had been a day and I insisted on sitting completely still and not even questioning what was happening. I cried so damn much that day, you wouldn’t believe it. 

Oh, whoops. The question was how long. So 29 years!

What role do you play? (Ex: headwitch, servant, witch, grocery store cashier, etc)

Witch!!! And the most talented witch in the entire coven, if I may add. <wink>

Do you have any special abilities? (Ex: telekinesis, able to lick your elbow, etc)

I’ve mastered potion making and my clairvoyance! ....Okay maybe not just yet. I started out with potion making since they didn’t even know if I had the potential to use “”””real”””” magic. I’ve been pretty good at it ever since. 

What do you think of how the coven is run? 

Headwitch?? I think you mean headBITCH! <slaps her own knee> It totally sucksssssssss that Helena couldn’t have the decency to at least take the stick out of her ass when she decided to run a coven with mostly women under the age of “old and farty.” 

What is your greatest desire? What do you hope to learn/improve on in the future?

...oh. ...uhm.... <clears throat> I...I would say to.... enjoy what I do. I feel like too often I’m so stressed about being the best that I forget you don’t start out the best. 

...Oh nooo I sound like a such a bleeeeeding heart! BLEHHHH! As for to learn or improve on? I’d like to have a 100% accuracy rating with clairvoyance and also show that potion making isn’t some casual magic you can master easily. (considering Helena’s--Oh even Ilaria mentioned it? HEHEHEHE)

What do you like to do in your free time?

Challenge other witches to random challenges, play card games, practice (ugh what a word) potion making, predict infomercials, making people do stuff for me, going outside, watching bad reality TV.... Everything but the kitchen sink basically?

Where is your favorite place to be in the coven? Do you wish you were somewhere else?

I really like the living room! Everyone kind of congregates there when they’re bored so it helps. I sometimes also sneak into the ~Daniel Family Archives~ in Helena’s office when she isn’t in.... The things I know.... <knowing smile> 

...Wish I was somewhere else? ...Eh kind of. I’m curious as to how different my life would be if my parents weren’t literal children who chose their own bitter rivalry over their child’s happiness. <sticks out tongue>

Why are you here?

My parents being literal children? Magic? Who knows. Haven’t felt the need to leave I guess. 

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Coven AU Questionnare: Ilaria Rositano

How long have you known the Daniels family? What is your connection to them (if you have one)?

....As long as I’ve been at the coven I guess. I first heard the name itself when my dad was talking to someone on the phone. ...I wonder if mom knew them? She kept a lot of things from me....

How long have you been at the coven?

Since I was.... 14? So 10 years. 

What role do you play? (Ex: headwitch, servant, witch, grocery store cashier, etc)

Unofficial head gardener, professional dirt sifter, unintentional grave robber-- Oh, you wanted a serious answer? ....Witch. Just a witch. I also keep Timothy alive, so that’s something.

Do you have any special abilities? (Ex: telekinesis, able to lick your elbow, etc)

....All I can do is necromancy. Such a sinful art.... I sometimes wonder if I was meant to shoulder the burden of God’s mistakes? <nervously stroking her own hair> Why was I given this ability? There must’ve been some sort of plan God had in mind... right...?

Oh, almost forgot. I dabble in potion making too. <smile>

What do you think of how the coven is run?

...It’s.... harsh... but mostly fair. I just wish the punishments were explained! Some of them are so silly! Why did I have to eat every stick of pasta in the pantry dry???? What does that accomplish??? Such a waste!!!

What is your greatest desire? What do you hope to learn/improve on in the future?

To be happy! To not have to question my purpose! To just... be! I find I’m too overly concerned with the things that trouble me that I have no time to just enjoy life...! I guess that’s mainly what I wish to improve on. Oh! And maybe improve my potion making abilities. Too bad Helena is kind of... <whisper> bad at it. (Maybe Jiao will teach me....)

What do you like to do in your free time?

Tend to the garden and rebury corpses I accidentally reanimated.... I also like organizing the flower arrangements in the house. I’m still learning, but maybe just maybe I’m good at it! Reading and just talking with the other witches is fun too!

Where is your favorite place to be in the coven? Do you wish you were somewhere else?

The garden!!! A place surrounded by the life I’ve created naturally with my own two hands... It’s really nice....

....No, not really. Just wish there weren’t silly punishments and such disrespect for God and his Creations. 

Why are you here?

To learn to control my abilities.... I think? I’ve never really thought about it. My father dropped me off here and that was... it?

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Coven AU Questionnaire: Helena Quinn Daniels

One of many questionnaires. Will be written in the first person style interview style and be collected into one master post later. 

How long have you known the Daniels family? what is your connection to them (if you have one)?

I find this question so absurd to answer, but since I made this questionnaire i should have to take it too. ....I was born into the Daniels family, so I’ve known them for 46 years. I’m the youngest... err most powerful living daughter of Eileen Quinn Daniels, therefore, rightful heir. 

How long have you been at the coven?

<Sigh> My entire life. I only briefly left in 1989 to pursue a dream of becoming a fashion designer in New York City for two years. I was such a young, optimistic fool... oof I’m sounding like some film noir protagonist. 

What role do you play?

Headwitch and rightful heir to the Daniels Coven. I do taxes, negotiate with local government, attend the “Worldwide Witches Organization” conferences for discussions on the future of magic, and manage the Coven in general. I help less experienced witches control or enhance their magic as well. 

Do you have any special abilities? (Ex: telekinesis, able to lick your elbow, etc)

I specialize in mind magic; also known as mind reading, mind control, minor telekinesis, and more assorted Spooky Things. Some other things I’m not as proficient at include: potion making, VERY temporary necromancy, weak clairvoyance... most magic I can do. Can I do it well and to an acceptable level...? ...ehhhhh?

What do you think of how the coven?

I think I run a pretty good show! I maintaining order, keep squabbles to the minimum, I mediate things, dish out deserving punishments.... I am a fair leader! I watch out for my fellow residents..... I think? <loud cackle>

What is your greatest desire? What do you hope to learn/improve on in the future?

<exhales> Why did I put that on this? ....For no one to have to go through what I did. My mother allowed this entire coven to go to ruins and forced witches into required isolation to... “protect us.” I hope to help others avoid experiencing the things I had and to want to be in the coven. Otherwise, magic cannot thrive. Magic can’t be forced out, you have to want to practice magic. ....I’d also like to see more of the world and learn more about magic. 

What do you like to do in your free time?

Well I don’t have that much free time, but I do enjoy walks around the coven grounds. I like drawing, writing creepy poetry, going through the coven archives and learning things I didn’t need to know about my ancestors, andddd having sex. I’m a simple woman with simple pleasures. 

Where is your favorite place to be in the coven? Do you wish you were somewhere else?

The memories I have of my office aren’t pleasant, yet I’m so attached to it. I feel like I can be productive and “in the zone” because I was always conditioned to be that way when in that room. 

...Sometimes I wish I was. Maybe if things had been different. Maybe.

Why are you here?

(This is such an open ended question---) On this earth? To let the Daniels legacy DIE. Too much blood has been shed for some forced sense of superiority over other witches. At the coven? To let its final days under my rule be the best it has seen. (...”under my rule?” What am I, some Queen of a dying monarchy? ....heh, kind of.)

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Coven AU Daniels Coven Info Post + Questionnaire

The coven was founded ~250 years ago by a group of witches seeking a place to practice and refine magic abilities freely. Founded in a fictional upstate New York forest lacking a name but known to the coven as “The Lost Forest”

Daniels family becomes the main reigning family name 200 years ago after the first building was MYSTERIOUSLY burned to the ground. 

the coven has had three main buildings with the latest having been built in 1876.

the “outsider” building for non-witches was built in 1880 for servants. (Formerly they stayed in a basement room)

the Minuits become the main servant family to the Daniels in 1827

outsider building has six separate bedrooms, (recent additions, formerly one giant shared room) a basic kitchen, one bathroom with shower, and a small common room. 

garden, shed, former horse ranch (now a small farm with chickens and a single cow), and the “mock house” are some other places on the coven grounds

the mock house acts as an administrative building for the establishment the coven masquerades as, along with being the registered address.

mock house far enough from the coven to not be affected by the “death border”

coven masquerades as free housing for women that is “at capacity”

“death border” is a strong spell put in place by a Daniels Headwitch 100+ years ago after the second building burned. Affects anyone who does not have drop of Daniels family blood on their person. Slowly kills if a person walks in far enough. 

some magical beings and normal animals are unaffected by this magic and wander the forest. 

Resident/Visitor/Outsider Questionnaire

How long have you known the Daniels family? what is your connection to them (if you have one)?

How long have you been at the coven/how long is your visit/do you know about this “coven”?

What role do you play? (Ex: headwitch, servant, witch, grocery store cashier, etc)

Do you have any special abilities? (Ex: telekinesis, able to lick your elbow, etc)

What do you think of how the coven/”women’s housing” is run? 

What is your greatest desire? What do you hope to learn/improve on in the future?

What do you like to do in your free time?

(resident + visitor question only) Where is your favorite place to be in the coven? Do you wish you were somewhere else?

(resident + visitor question only) Why are you here?

FLOOR PLANS: (disclaimer: i’m garbage at proportions so don’t take these too seriously, just think of them as.... points of interests to keep in mind than actual indicators of scale)

This is an outdated basement floor plan.... non-witches now live in a separate house. Will upload floor plan of that later. Jeremy still lives in his closet room tho lol.

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Helena and Jiao begin an office war after Helena publicly witnesses jiao making something messy in the microwave and not cleaning up after herself. (Something Helena also does) Helena tapes the entire office (appliances included) in half. "Your mess, your problem." Why did this matter to Helena? "If it's not my mess, you bet I care." Jiao purposely makes an enormous mess of her side, co-workers' areas included. The entire situation ends when the two of them get in a fist fight after helena fall into a cake that jiao had thrown at Nico's work area. Gee, perfectly place for a fight. Right in front of HR.

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i'm going to name 40 games i've played because i'm not completely sure how many i've played

pokemon white

pokemon sapphire

pokemon x

pokemon red

p3p

persona 4

bravely default

tomodachi life

dangan ronpa

fire emblem: awakening

virtue's last reward

999

ace attorney

ace attorney: investigations

aa5

bioshock

bioshock 2

bioshock infinite

assassin's creed 

assassin's creed III

assassin's creed: brotherhood

assassin's creed: revelations

L.A. Noire

Dead or Alive Ultimate

Dead or Alive 5

Bayonetta

Sims 2

Sims 3

Gone Home

L4D

L4D2

Outlast

Skullgirls

Devil Summoner 

Limbo

We Love Katamari 

Transistor

Silent Hill

Animal Crossing: New Leaf

Bastion

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Gonna do a quick little thing for Helena and her first er... girlfriend.

"Marceline. Can I level with you about something?" 

I looked down at her, her head faced away from me as she idly played with my long hair. 

"What's the matter, Helena?" I cooed, my fingers gently running over her smooth skin.

She leaned into me further than she had before, her head now leaning on my chest. I wish she would fill the white noise that soured under the pressure of her impending honesty.

I guess because she never tried being honest with me.

"Would you care if we never saw each other again?" She finally asked.

I unintentionally clamped my jaw shut. What the hell was I supposed to say? Now she was looking up at me, noticing that I had swallowed any words that could have bubbled out. I really didn't know what to say.

What did she want me to say?

"No bullshit. Just say it." Her voice was suddenly cold. She wasn't testing the waters anymore.

She was diving right in. 

I couldn't fight back what was trying to worm its way out of my throat any longer. "No. I wouldn't." I stated. 

We had spent many months together, trying to pretend we were some kind of couple. I could tell she didn't feel that way about me from the first date. She always had this condescending grin on her face as though it was me that didn't have my life together. I was her Manic Pixie Dream Girl that would help her find the answer again; what with my spontaneity, teenage dreams realized, and with nothing better to do. 

Some brooding protagonist she was: living off her daddy's money and trying to reapply herself to some new passion since art wasn't working. (or "isn't practical," as she called it)

Now she was laughing, hunched over with her giggles almost forcing her to bow in submission. I just stared at her in confusion. 

"I'm glad you feel the same." She chuckled. 

She suddenly sounded like a giddy schoolgirl who had just been confessed to by her crush. But in a way, I understood what it must feel like. It's never a good feeling trying to convince yourself you care when really... you don't.

Helena, in her own way, was my revelation that I didn't owe anyone I didn't care for anything. 

Our relationship had its moments, but it always felt very artificial and forced. We fucked like hushed married Mormons and spoke only lines fresh out of a poorly written sitcoms. Our interests were so different, since she was consistently mocking everything I loved as I did the same.

That was the last time I saw her.

The only thing we had in common was that our favorite color was purple.

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a floyd er... poem i wrote earlier in the year

It always takes me back.

I avoid looking at it.

My pink hair.

Because when I look at my reflection,

all I see is your own pink hair

encircling your head

as though

it were

a halo

But when I remember your hair

I also remember your stare

as you left me alone

confused

afraid.

A scream.

I've punched in the mirror.

I remember where I am.

A hotel, with a client.

They're waiting.

But I'm on the floor, leaning against the wall.

I scream more, as I force myself to do it.

To forget.

My screams are silenced.

Only hollow laughter fills my ears.

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i found a little break up thing from last year in one of my folders!

i still kind of like it! it's nice to read my own writing and still like it even a year later. writing is cool like that. contains a whole lot of helena being angry at herself ha...haha...

also LITTLE DISCLAIMER: this is last year era human au so some details may not apply anymore! (plus this is from helena's totally self centered pov) i also didn't advise pan about characterizing will but Y'KNOWWWW it's just a thing

“William, you understand why I’m doing this… right?”

I definitely knew why I was doing this.

Yes, it is true that I am reluctant to leave him; to break off ten years of friendship and another ten years of romance…. but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I looked up at him, so tall and typically with his head held high… but today, it was bowed. I could hardly see his eyes underneath the shade of his hanging bangs. I wanted to be able to tell him that things were going to be okay—more specifically, that he was going to be okay, but I didn’t even know if that was true.

My love for him had depleted, and now I was using the closest (and most legitimate) excuse I could to end this quickly.

Selfish liar Helena Quinn Minuit, that’s me.

I felt a lump form in my throat. I didn’t want my voice to accidentally crack while telling him goodbye. It’s for the best, Helena.

Was it?

Was it really?

No, it had to be.

We had different ideas in mind for our futures. He wanted a wedding band and a couple of cute little babies. I wanted casual romance with none of the permanent titles like “husband and wife” or “father and mother.”

Things like that scared the living fuck out of me.

But not having him around anymore also scared me.

It was selfish to just cling to him and not let him live out his dream.

“I know.”

I just hardly heard it, but it was definitely his voice. It was harsh and sounded… defeated. Was he bitter about me doing this? Suddenly, I was angry.

“Look, I don’t want to do this either, but you haven’t tried with other women before! There is a woman out there who is better for you than me. Someone who will give you everything you wanted, and willingly.”

“But they won’t be you!”

“So what if they won’t be? You haven’t known of a love besides me. How will you know someone won’t matter more to you one day until you try falling in love again?”

No response. I let out a heavy sigh, shaking my head.

“I didn’t want this to end on a bad note… you know that.” I swallowed. “I care about you, and I want the best for you. Even if that means sacrificing what we have, I don’t want you to be old and regret never having those babies you wanted.”

I put on a smile, touching his shoulder softly with my hand. He raised his head finally. He was looking at me, searching for some sort of word to describe how he felt in my face. But I knew it was more than just that he was seeing in my face.

He was seeing all the things that wouldn’t be.

He nodded slowly at last.

I sighed with relief.

“I’m glad you understand.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m okay with this …I...” He bit his lip, looking away from me again. I scrunched up my face, about to respond when—“I’ll miss you so much, Helena.”

I clenched my jaw in discomfort. He was so invested in me and I didn’t have it in me to give him all he wanted in return. All I could do was wrap my arms around him in a… friendly hug.

“Goodbye William.”

I moved to let go of him seconds later, but his arms caught me fast. He held me tightly, and I could scarcely breathe. Not because he was holding me too tightly…

I just couldn’t.

What was I doing to him?

I was like a back brace left on for too long; a drug he had gotten himself caught up in and couldn’t give up; a crutch for normal living. The reason he was so damaged by this entire fiasco was because I let our relationship go on for too long.

My selfishness had caught up to me…

And him.

I panicked, pushing him away quickly with both hands. He fell backwards, right onto his ass and just looked shocked at my reaction. I quickly retracted my hands, my breathing labored and my eyes wide. Self loathing filled my every pore with burning rage and anger and bitter hatred. This was entirely my fucking fault.

God damnit. He’s looking at me with such worried eyes.

Stop.

Don’t worry about me.

I’m not crying because you’re leaving me.

I’m crying because I’ve damaged you. (possibly for good)

I’m sorry you’ll always walk with a slouch. I’m sorry you’ll never be able to love without remembering my tear streaked hideous face. I’m sorry you’ll think of my every curve when you push into a woman for the first time in years. I’m sorry you’ll be frowning at the altar. I’m sorry you’ll be searching for any sign of me in your child’s face. I’m sorry we were never what you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not who you thought I was. I’m sorry you’re pathetic.

I’m sorry I’m pathetic.

[pooperchute]

really good poketype gijinka sex headcanons

Ghost Dong. Ghost types and normal types cannot have sex because they keep phasing through each other.

Sticking anything in an electric types HOLES is like sticking something into an electrical socket. (credit to becci for that one ;)))))

Psychic types have psychic dongs and veevees. They must focus SO MUCH to have the sex. But is a hard-on visible under clothes? we just don't know

Special water type move: Squart Gun

Water types are SO WET 

Water type and grass type sex is kind of like watering a plant. 

grass pubes

fairy types dom dragon types no questions asked

poison types aren't very popular in the realm of sex since their FLUIDS are more acidic and you can BURN YOUR VAGINA/PENIS/TONGUE

fire type and ice type sex is dangerous who knows if the ice type will survive. icey sperm cannot survive within a fire type's VAGINA. (credit to bex for the sperm one (((((;)

fire type and grass type sex may in fact trigger forest fires

bug types have small genitals

steel and rock types are ALWAYS HARD

ground types are ESPECIALLY DIRTY

dark types like to have sex in the dark

fighting types will literally put the pussy in a sarcophagus

normal types only like vanilla sex