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True that

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Angels and rings

Some people do not believe in angels. Or believe that those loved ones of ours who die never make an appearance again in our lives. I believe they are always with us. Once they pass through our lives and enter heaven or wherever it is you believe they are always with us. Only showing themselves to us when they feel we are in need of them. It is a huge comfort to me. Sometimes real human beings aren't enough or understand the true wealth of what is going through our minds and our lives. The people we hang around the most will never know exactly what it is we are going through. Even as much as we share with them. But, our angels know everything. When my sisters died I always believed that they lived for bigger and better things. They didn't have chances here on earth but they do now in heaven. They are always with me; as I need their presence when I am at my weakest. Along with Jesus Christ. I wear my sisters ring almost always. But definitely on days when I need her the most. Today she knows I need her the most. Today will end a chapter and yet also bring forth new beginning's and many answers. God already knows what will happen today as I enter the court room for the second of three final times. I have been begging God to help me forgive and to end this resentment and bitterness I feel inside of me. I have been showering my ears with inspirational speakers. Last night as I worked in my yard I listened to an inspiring Christian woman talk about her life. Her life was nothing more than mine but it represented it difficulties that she too, has also went through and has used God to get her through. I may be one heck of a mouthy person at times but if I cannot get God to start working more I am clearly doing a disservice to Him and my sisters. I have only known myself to be so bold to speak up so much in my younger days. I will likely always be bold and speak up for what I believe in - always and especially when it is about the girls. Yet, I know there is a better way and I ask God to use me - He apparently isn't getting my messages before my lashing out messages dart out to others. Will power really sucks sometimes. For now what is important that I keep praying that God puts a Band-Aid over my mouth which quite honestly isn't really enough; Chris would tell me a vice over my thumbs would serve better. God knows exactly what I need and perhaps it's the venting that is getting me through and to this day. I pray if that is true it is almost done. My sister would not want it that way. Today I wear her ring because I need her the most. I wish and pray every day that I live more of a life as she would have wanted for herself. Seeking and grasping as much as I can from each day. Today I wear her ring and I pray my heart changes for good. Although the heart I have loves so much there is still that part of it that has yet to forgive and to heal. When we don't allow ourselves to let go of hard feelings it robs us of the joy and peaceful moments that we could have so much more. I have known this forever and yet somehow I still find it difficult to let go of this rock that I have wedged in my heart. Notice I say that I Have Wedged - because we are all in control of what we place in our souls. It has to be let go. To make room for what is more important and that is to love on those around me and take care of those that I cherish so much. I woke up this morning and I kept hearing, This is the Day the Lord hath made let us rejoice and be glad in it. Today I wear her ring and I will honor her, and feel her beside me and I will start working that much more for what God wants from me. Peace. Sisters live. Moments. To forgive.

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Struggling

I am a tired mama at the end of a softball Saturday that began at 6:30 am. Tomorrow we have to be at the fields at 7 am and it is 45 minutes away.

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Mother’s Day Musings

This post may be a little unsettling to some of you.  If it gets shared and read as widely as I hope, it may even offend a few people.  That’s not my intent, per se, but it happens.  We sincerely hope that you don’t stop reading.  We promised honesty in our writing, and that’s what this is.  What it isn’t is your typical fluffy Mother’s Day story.

My parents got divorced when I was 12.  After that, my mom, and later with her life long companion (together nearly 40 years now) raised me as a single parent.  She did a good job.  We never starved.  We never lost the house or had the utilities shut off.  And it’s because she worked hard to make sure of it.  But not a great job.  I got away with things I shouldn’t have.  In part because she didn’t know - and never will.  But more likely because I kept my grades up, had perfect attendance and held down a part time job all through high school while eventually going to college on a debate scholarship.  While it’s easy to say that I am who I am today because of her, don’t blame her for my shortcomings.  I made my own choices.  Still I love my mom and appreciate all she did for me, and still does to this day.  I’m sure I don’t tell her that often enough.  But that really isn’t the point of this post.

Darlene is an amazing mom!  With one grown son and three girls still at home, she does more with less than anyone I’ve ever known.  Those smiles aren’t fake.  But she’s not perfect.  Please don’t misunderstand my point here.  No one is.  As someone who has already been through two teenage girls, I can tell you that she has some serious challenges yet to come.  I’ll be there with advice and support, you can count on that (as can she), but I have no reason to doubt that she will be just fine using her own style of parenting.  She also has an up and coming softball star (at least one), who, like Erika did when she was that age, finds herself stuck on a team far beneath her abilities.  And, while that’s fine for now, there will come a day in just a few short years when the decision whether or not to play showcase ball will have to be made.  If she wants to play, she will have the advantage of a “big sister” who is on her way to play college softball that can help her polish her skills to be ready for those teams.  And she’ll have a male adult figure who knows exactly how to get noticed by the right people to find a college scholarship.  Make no mistake, this isn’t a simple choice.  It’s a change in lifestyle.  But this post isn’t about Darlene or softball.

About seven or eight years ago, we had a dramatic change in our family (this is where things get a little edgy, folks).  I found myself thrown into the role of mom and dad.  It meant that as a dad I was there for first periods, and buying those first boxes of tampons (and every box since); for first sports bras and countless other undergarments; for dress shopping for confirmation, prom and every formal dance; for appointments with dermatologists and conversations with doctors about birth control and dysmenorrhea; for late night calls from TPD; for every boyfriend and girlfriend; for make-ups (oh yeah, and makeup) and break-ups (and thank God for Darlene for the last one, she really stepped up!!); for senior pictures; and for every ballgame, dance and piano recital and cheer performance.  And please don’t misunderstand.  I’m glad I was there and glad my girls trusted me and knew they could count on me for everything.  My point to this is that when things went to Hell back then, I made the tough decision, based in large part on my distrust of the Kansas legal system.  From what I’ve seen in the last 9 months. I made the right decision.  The courts live in a cookie cutter world, with virtually no place for variability based on what is truly right for parents and families.  So I stuck things out for seven or so years to protect my girls and to make sure that they had the best childhood possible.  Once they were old enough, I made my escape.  You can believe my version or not, but the current living arrangements for all of us speak for themselves.  But, I’m really only an ancillary part of this post.    

Here’s one of the two reason’s for this post.  Erika is an amazing young lady.  She has overcome so much to be who she is today: an honor student, a softball player already verbally committed to play on in college, a gifted piano player, am amazing baker and cook and simply one of the best daughters I could ever hope have.  She became all these things despite (or because of - you decide) having me as a mother and father for the last few years.  She and I have logged literally tens of thousands of miles together travelling the country for softball.  Admittedly she slept through a lot of those miles.  And, without getting too deep into her personal life, I do want to add that I have seen a positive change in her now that she has a “mom” in her life for when dad just won’t do anymore.  For that my gratitude is boundless.  But for a long time, I got to be mom to this wonderful person, and I hope that I’ve played some part in the great future she has ahead.

Here is the other reason for this post.  Olivia is more like me than she will ever admit.  That may be why we struggle at times to communicate well.  She is also brilliant, talented musically and athletically, and a fierce friend.  She has also been blessed with an incredible artistic ability and a passion for her causes that would have much better suited to the 60s or 70s.  Where I failed Olivia, in my opinion, is when Erika and I went on the road for softball, several nights a week and virtually every weekend, that left her with very little support and guidance back home.  And, as much as I tried to parent remotely, some things got lost for her.  Yet despite my shortcomings, she molded herself into someone that I am incredibly proud of.  While my vision for her life would have her in some fancy art school right now, learning to design graphics for the video games she loves to play, protesting against misogyny and for women’s and animal rights in every spare minute, she has chosen a different path.   And even though she may not believe it, I still admire her for who she is; for her ability to speak freely and bluntly to anyone and everyone; and for her awareness of who she is and her ability to recognize that not everyone needs to fit in a specific mold or choose their life direction at 18 or 19.  I hope that over time she and I will grow as close as we once were, and that she will come to understand why I did what I did eight years ago, three years ago and last fall.  I also hope that, like her sister already has, she will come to accept the new people in my life as part of hers, too. 

That’s going to do it for this time.  I know it’s a lot to absorb.  Trust me, it was a lot to say.  I hope that my intentions aren’t confused.  I am not looking for a mother’s day card here.  I did what I did for my girls.  I’d make the same choice, despite the repercussions for me personally and financially, every single time.  We put our kids first.  I’m happy that I could serve as a mom for them when they needed one and that I can be a dad for them always.  Here’s hoping you enjoyed this and took something away from it so you’ll come back again next time.  Until then, feel free to share your comments or feedback.

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Facebook Name (finally) Changed

Hallelujah! Our name is now official and permanently changed! The meaning behind it? You need to wait a bit to find out. I've got housework to do and a yard to mow. Let's say this - the meaning behind it has to do with the strength in relationships. All relationships. Mother/daughter - Father/daughter - husband/wife - partners - all. Even friendships young and old.

Chris and I are reaching out to you. To create an interactive blog page because we too are learning so much in this lifetime. We are embarking in unknown territory and leaving much behind. We want you to follow along side. This world is about everyone and the imprint we leave behind. Though we make many mistakes, we too want to learn from you and you from us.

It's going to be a fun ride from here on out. Yeah - we will stumble and throw some darts here and there but I personally am trying my earnest to let go of much so I can bring more joy in - it will only help myself, Chris and all our girls that much more.

Popcorn in Bed has broken ground! Stay tuned all! We will return soon! By the way - much thanks to my Chris for persevering to get our name changed!

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I don't think Soulmate is too pompous. It implies what we have been waiting for. Unless you use the term too irrationally and for every person you have a 'connected' relationship with. But it's true. Think of how many persons are divorced or worse widowed at a late age of life and then they meet someone else. The introductions begin with friends - so what do we say? Personally, just say, Hi, this is Chris. People know the other persons place in our lives if they know us well or care. No label needed. Yet, sometimes we do need to refer our loved one as ... something. For me, being on this I don't give a crap rant lately, I think next time I am going to try ... "Hi,this is Chris. The one who makes me incredibly happy."

Terms of Endearment

What to you call someone you are with when you are introducing them or referring to them in conversation?  It seems to depend on age and circumstances.  Obviously I’m referring to unmarried couples here.  For the married folks it’s relatively simple.  But for those of us in a committed, unmarried relationship, what do we say?

When we were in our 20s, even early 30s, we could say “this is my boyfriend/girlfriend”.  A couple decades later, that doesn’t feel right.  It seems to imply a lack of maturity - or maybe life experience - to the person I’m with (no offense to those of you in your 20s and 30s).  I also don’t really like the sound of partner.  It implies we have some kind of business deal.  And when you are my age and are with someone who is beautiful and doesn’t look their age, most people assume they know what that business deal involves.

I actually like the term soulmate.  It validates my belief that God has a plan for all of us, and he will eventually draw two people together.  Not always as soon as we’d like, but better late than never.  If you’ve ever see Adjustment Bureau, sort of like that.  Anyway, I think it sounds great to say to the person you are with that they are your soulmate.  It sounds good to hear, too.  But to introduce them to someone else, as in “this is my soulmate”.  You come across like a pompous douche.  

Here are a few other terms that have bounced around in my head:  Consort - but this seems to imply illicit activity; Friend - really doesn’t give the sense of commitment involved; Significant Other - other what?; Companion - this implies accompanying someone else, or closely tied to someone.  I like companion quite a bit, but it also feels like one of us is Dr. Who.  There are lots of other words, but none seem quite right.

So, what do you think?  What term of endearment would you use?  We’d really like to use this post to get you all more involved in our blog.  Give us your opinions and feedback, please.  We would really love to hear from you.

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Terms of Endearment

What to you call someone you are with when you are introducing them or referring to them in conversation?  It seems to depend on age and circumstances.  Obviously I’m referring to unmarried couples here.  For the married folks it’s relatively simple.  But for those of us in a committed, unmarried relationship, what do we say?

When we were in our 20s, even early 30s, we could say “this is my boyfriend/girlfriend”.  A couple decades later, that doesn’t feel right.  It seems to imply a lack of maturity - or maybe life experience - to the person I’m with (no offense to those of you in your 20s and 30s).  I also don’t really like the sound of partner.  It implies we have some kind of business deal.  And when you are my age and are with someone who is beautiful and doesn’t look their age, most people assume they know what that business deal involves.

I actually like the term soulmate.  It validates my belief that God has a plan for all of us, and he will eventually draw two people together.  Not always as soon as we’d like, but better late than never.  If you’ve ever see Adjustment Bureau, sort of like that.  Anyway, I think it sounds great to say to the person you are with that they are your soulmate.  It sounds good to hear, too.  But to introduce them to someone else, as in “this is my soulmate”.  You come across like a pompous douche.  

Here are a few other terms that have bounced around in my head:  Consort - but this seems to imply illicit activity; Friend - really doesn’t give the sense of commitment involved; Significant Other - other what?; Companion - this implies accompanying someone else, or closely tied to someone.  I like companion quite a bit, but it also feels like one of us is Dr. Who.  There are lots of other words, but none seem quite right.

So, what do you think?  What term of endearment would you use?  We’d really like to use this post to get you all more involved in our blog.  Give us your opinions and feedback, please.  We would really love to hear from you.

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Insulting a man’s car is like...

I was with a friend the other day and she was having a pretty heated conversation with a man that I would place in his late 50s or early 60s.  As the discussion went on I heard her end a sentence with “...your ugly car!”  He got this shocked look on his face and asked “What?”  She went on to call it a mid-life crisis car.  Well, his face got red and I could tell that any further discussion was going to be even more pointless than usual with this person.  As we walked away, I mentioned to her that you can’t insult a man’s car.  

For full disclosure, the picture above is what my mid-life crisis car would look like, and it is not ugly, it is beautiful.  It’s actually a real muscle car, too.  The car she insulted is one of those modernized versions of the old pony cars, but with a V-6.  Seriously?  If you’re going to buy a mid-life crisis car, at least make it a good one.  Thankfully, I don’t need a muscle car.  I’ve never been happier.

To my point, however.  I knew that my friend still had to settle a couple of items with this man (hence the previous heated conversation), so I gave her my sage advice to let him calm down for a couple days, knowing full well what she had just done.  A couple of hours later, she shared with me an email where she had already reached out to the man.  His response was swift and vehement, as you might have guessed.  Another exchange brought even more venom.  Finally, I had to just come out and say it.  “When you insult a man’s car, you insult his penis.”

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Today I am wearing purple because someone told me I would look good in it as opposed to "someone" else who told me I should never wear it. Thank God for changes. It is absolutely ludicrous to go to court to defend why a mom should have their daughter for an hour and half on her birthday. And if It can't be demonstrated why the mom will have to pay "somebody" else's attorney fees of $2500. Can you say controlling? I can think of better ways to spend $2500 and it sure as heck isn't on a motion and response happy attorney. It all belongs to God but I can tell you this much every cent this mama has goes toward our home and my girls. Today I am wearing purple and I'm going to be strong and do the best I can. Peace. For the girls. Always. Prayers please. All. System included. (that unfortunately for some families tend to treat everything as a template.)

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Popcorn in Bed is on Tumblr

Whether you are reading this on Tumblr or Facebook, this is our simple little welcome to our blog message.  If you’ve been a faithful (or even a new) reader on Facebook, you’ll note that our page name is in transition to the eventual title of Popcorn in Bed.  On Tumblr we were fortunate to get the name from the outset.

We are Darlene and Chris, and we are the authors of Popcorn in Bed.  Over time we will have lots of stories to share with you about our lives, our relationships - past and present, our families, our faith, sports - both the good and the bad, a few legal battles and a few less legal battles and so much more.  We really hope you will follow us one place or the other.  Or, even better, both places.  Stick around long enough and we promise to share the meaning behind Popcorn in Bed.  It’s a story worth waiting for.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, we are already contemplating our next post.  Thanks for reading.

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Sadness and Hope

Why does the sadness still live in my heart. When I am in church it is a time for introspection - when my emotions are moved to pieces. I am moving and moving through my days and when I get to church.... I stop. I feel. Maybe all the moving and going is a way to escape. It is April 24, 2017. 2 years ago today she would be gone in 8 days exactly. She was home by now. My home was so far away. Her home was near. Her home was filled with people coming to see her. I disliked it. Because it meant they were coming to say good bye. I resented the people who came to say good bye who didn't even know her that well. I wanted to protect her. Now ask me why I resent now. Who I resent. Why I feel pain turned to anger. This post is going to be very revealing so if you don't think you want to know then stop here. If you think you will judge - stop here. If you think I shouldn't be writing so much - stop the reading. But here is the deal - writing is opening up and will cause us to feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed. For me I have repressed for a long time and a person needs ways to open up in order to heal and then forgive. So here it goes. Imagine laying your head on her chest and singing Fix You over and over and going home to nothing. No questions. No concern. No comfort. It wasn't about me. I wanted that for her. She deserved so much more of me. It's like if I wasn't taken care of, it reflected on her. Like I wasn't complete. I wasn't full. I couldn't be more for her because he wasn't more for me. Like I cheated her last days by not being enough. I wasn't a wife who was cared for and that made me feel .... worthless. I put it all away when I seen her so she would only see the hope and love and she could take that with her when she ... I never did say it. I never did. Even as we took her to hospice I still felt like at some point she would recover and we'd all go home. Or wake up. Oh how I disliked him so bad. Me cared for? Why did that matter? Don't shake a head at me for thinking I needed more. I was supposed to be married and when you are married you are to take care of each other. It was one-sided. I did so much with nothing in return. I gave and caved in to much. So now I can say it to you. That's why. That is why I dislike so much now. Why I can't seem to get over it because he was never there. Want to know more? Before all her days in the hospital and rehab when we thought we could make her better - I would fix my family dinner and then make her a little plate of food. I remember having to make sure the girls were taken care of and settled for the night and feel it was "okay" to leave. That he was "okay" with it. Of course he wasn't but what could he say ... until I got home and then the questions always came. Who was at her house. Did anyone else go over? Did I really take food to her? And the worse one was the accusation of did I smoke pot with her or take any of her pills. Pot because she was on chemotherapy. When he said that I knew then it was over. And I had to find a way to get him away from me. Before she ... I was not about to live her last days wondering how I could do it and not feel guilty for spending time with her. Now. She is not with me. And I am not with him. A time when I could be spending so much more time with her and not feel bad about it. And now I can't. I feel such pain and hurt. Divorce is not right. No, I realize that. So much is not right. But, when two people leave one another, I don't understand why they still have such control over the other. Our children. God first. Then our children. But I will not allow the time the girls and I get to spend together be dictated. A piece of paper that tells me what to do on the weekends based on what has happened in the past 'historically' is not right. Nor is a system that manages each family on a template, not actually knowing the history and the entire truth of a marriage. I am not happy with that. I want more for the girls now that I believe they can have more. There is only so much time on this earth. The girls deserve more. If they want to do something, I will support them - but if they choose another path I will respect that. In the past month, I had two or three scares with my health. I think I place too much anxiousness on it when something happens. I seem to think that since I've had two sisters die of cancer, it's just a matter of time for me. So each time, I escape the bullet - it surprises me. I say, I guess God has something else in mind for me. He does. I am with Chris now and he makes me incredibly happy. Accepting me for just who I am. Flaws, past mistakes, current mistakes, body image, the way I eat, when I eat...how I treat the girls, the time I spend with friends and family and even goes to church with me. I wish it had been him there with me when she was .... He would have held my hand and not let me attend those difficult meetings alone. And he sure would not have missed her rosary and funeral. He would have let me cry a hundred times over. And I am sure he would have went with me when I took her food. Grief is a strange thing. Especially combined with a loss of marriage. A marriage that wasn't what it was supposed to be. A Morgan Moment is changing to Popcorn in Bed eventually. It has meaning behind the name. It is revealing. It is about what can be done when you are with someone who accepts you for who you are. More later. I am sorry if this is a sad and hardened post. It is the time of year and so much comes to the surface. Let me be me. There may be a couple more similar posts - yet I have a plan to try and get past this anger and hurt. I want to move on to what is more important that does not include the hurts so much. Peace. Being. Miss her dearly.

From Pastor Kevin on Sunday God is restoring what I have lost. Put all the past in the past and look straight ahead. One chapter doesn't define who you are.

If you have experienced losses like this or hurt or anger in something similar we want to hear about it. It takes all of us learning to help one another. That is what this life is about.