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okay i really do actually want to write this as a fic, where Buck is pulling back to try to get over Eddie and Eddie fucking loses his mind over it, but i’m feeling a mental block for some reason (i think i don’t quite know where to begin this) so here. have this. enjoy. mwah. <3

okay because i’m thinking. i’m thinking Eddie does give Buck space at first—maybe Buck asks for it when he’s moving out. he doesn’t ask Eddie for help in moving out, though, and maybe Eddie doesn’t even know he is until he gets home and finds Buck is gone. and so he kinda freaks out and calls him (maybe facetimes him, and he doesn’t recognize where Buck is, and he asks but Buck is weirdly evasive) and Buck explains he’s getting out of Eddie’s hair, he just needs some time to himself. Buck sounds off but Eddie is used to Buck eventually coming around bc he always does, so even though it freaks him the fuck out and he doesn’t want Buck gone, he says “okay.”

except of course this time Buck doesn’t repeat the cycle. he’s friendly to Eddie at work, but since Chim is captain that makes Eddie Hen’s partner, and Ravi is Buck’s. so Eddie doesn’t get as much personal time with him on the job, he’s not even always in the rig with him, and Buck turns down hanging out with him only for Eddie to later learn he had Ravi over to his new place to idk help him paint the bathroom and eat pizza. and Eddie Does Not Know how to handle that bc wtf does that mean?! why wouldn’t Buck ask Eddie?!

so of course Eddie shows up at Buck’s new place with Chris the next night, and they hang out and it’s like normal again except Eddie can tell Buck is kinda using Chris as a buffer. he rarely makes eye contact, he said “make yourself at home” but it’s like he didn’t really mean it, because when Eddie gets up to do the dishes, Buck scrambles into the kitchen and says “no, no, i got this, you’re a guest.” which like. what. so the next time they hang out, Eddie goes over without Chris and Buck is acting so off. maybe he’s idk baking or something and just keeping the conversation really surface level, rarely makes eye contact and avoids every opportunity to deepen the conversation. and when Eddie leaves, Buck almost seems relieved.

and it goes on and on and on, for weeks, with Eddie trying desperately to keep Buck close, holding onto him by his fingernails and with white knuckles, until one day Buck ends up injured while Eddie isn’t on shift with him, and Buck’s taken to the hospital, and Eddie isn’t called—because Buck removed Eddie as his emergency contact. Eddie only hears about it because Maddie texts asking if Buck’s blue hoodie is still at Eddie’s house, and if so can Eddie bring it to Buck at the hospital?

so Eddie freaks the fuck out and just. HOVERS over Buck when he’s discharged and goes home to his apartment, not Eddie’s house, and so Eddie cancels all prior plans to take care of him, to the point that Carla ends up staying with Chris one night so Eddie can stay with Buck. and maybe they’re on the couch and Buck is loopy from pain meds so he ends up falling asleep on Eddie’s shoulder and this just makes Eddie’s entire body SING he’s so happy, this feels normal, maybe they can get back to being buckandeddie again, maybe this is what Buck needed, a reminder of why they’re better together

but then the next morning Buck asks Eddie to leave, and doesn’t look at him even once. and Eddie is just. flummoxed. he’s so surprised by this because Buck NEVER asks Eddie to leave. never. not once. so he leaves and tries not to cry in his car like some dumb music video, even if he is listening to Adele and eating a granola bar with chocolate chips in it because it was all he had in the glovebox.

and Eddie needs to let himself fall apart in private, maybe. where he doesn’t think Buck would close his eyes to it. but somehow he instead finds himself on Maddie’s front step, and she welcomes him in and is so grateful bc Chim is busy and Robert Nash Han won’t stop crying so Eddie does his cute dad thing and calms the baby down and Maddie finally asks Eddie why he’s here, and Eddie ends up blurting out everything—it can’t be helped, he’s holding a baby so his heart is all soft but it’s also so broken and he just. feels like he’s losing Buck and he doesn’t understand why

and maybe Maddie doesn’t tell him everything, bc she’s protective of Buck and it should be Buck who tells Eddie everything he feels, but she also knows that Eddie is in love with Buck (even if Eddie doesn’t know it yet) and she wants to help them, so she very carefully tells Eddie that Buck is trying to get over him. and Eddie is flabbergasted. he’s bouncing the baby and staring at Maddie and she can see the cogs spinning in his head because “what?” and also “since when?” and more importantly, ringing like an alarm in the station, “why?” because it hits him he doesn’t want Buck to get over him. he was trying to catch up with Buck, with where he really hoped Buck was re: feelings, but his pace wasn’t right—if he kept going slowly, kept waiting for things to happen on their own, he would lose Buck. hell, he’s already losing Buck. and it feels as terrible as when he lost Chris. a piece of himself went missing. he’s terrified that, this time, he won’t be able to get it back.

so he gives the baby back to Maddie and says he has to go and Maddie just smiles and then Eddie shows back up at Buck’s place, and he knocks, and it takes a second but eventually Buck says through the door “go away” and Eddie thinks he sounds like he’s been crying, his voice is wrecked, and so Eddie says no, he’s not leaving, and Buck tells him he can’t do this right now, and Eddie doesn’t care bc if they don’t do it now it might never happen, it might be too late, and so Eddie starts rambling a confession through the door, super heartfelt and weepy and full of apologies, but suddenly one of Buck’s neighbors appears in the hallway and is like “wtf are you doing i’m calling the cops” and Eddie is scrambling to tell her to chill but she is not happy, so Buck opens the door and drags Eddie inside bc he doesn’t need Eddie getting arrested bc Janice is so uppity (Buck has beef with her, it’s annoying)

and Buck is like “why are you doing this” and Eddie says he realized that if he kept waiting he’d lose Buck, and so he’s tired of waiting. he’s not going to wait anymore. he refuses to lose Buck, not when he wants him so fucking much that it makes him feel insane. and Buck is staring at him bc he really can’t believe this is happening, that Eddie wants him, until eventually Eddie is just like “please can i just fucking kiss you” and Buck can’t speak so he just nods and Eddie grabs his face and crushes their mouths together and kisses him and it’s the best thing Eddie’s ever felt, the best he’s ever felt, he didn’t know kissing could be like this, and he laughs and says “why didn’t you tell me it’d feel like this” and Buck is kinda awkward and says “well sorry i’ve got stubble i’m injured and can’t shave” (what is he injured with? i couldn’t tell you) and Eddie laughs and says no i don’t mean that—it’s you. why didn’t you tell me kissing you would feel like this, which doesn’t actually clarify anything but Eddie doesn’t care to elaborate and so he kisses Buck again

and they stumble back to the couch, and because Buck is injured Eddie is so so careful as he pulls off Buck’s clothes and kisses every inch of exposed skin and it’s driving Buck crazy, how Eddie’s huge hands are pressing into his hips, how he keeps biting his neck and his collarbone and his chest to leave hickeys behind, and they’re both so turned on that by the time Eddie gets his clothes off, too, and climbs onto Buck, pressing him into the couch cushions with all his weight, that Buck suddenly starts to understand what Eddie meant. and he says it back, “why didn’t you tell me it’d feel like this,” and Eddie laughs, shifting to properly straddle Buck and wrap his huge fucking hand around their cocks, and he kisses Buck and says “maybe we were supposed to figure it out together,” and Buck feels like he’s going crazy, because Eddie is above him, around him, kissing him, making sounds into his mouth like he wants Buck, like this is every answer to every question he’s ever asked.

and it’s so so so good and Eddie can’t believe he wasted so much time, can’t believe he almost lost this because he was content with waiting for it to happen organically, for some near death experience to be the reason one of them finally snaps and just kisses the fucking life out of them, and he tells Buck he wants Buck to keep him, he wants to be kept, and he wants to keep Buck. he wants to be buckandeddie again, he wants to be Buck’s emergency contact, he wants them to be so goopy soft mushy gross that everyone groans the instant they so much as hold hands or make eye contact. he wants Buck in his home and his bed and in the rest of his life, and they’re so fucking close, the kiss barely more than lips brushing, breaths gasping, teeth nipping—

and then there’s a knock on the door, and they both stare at each other because what the fuck, who could possibly need them right now. but the knock comes again, and so Eddie scrambles for the first clothes he can find, which happen to be Buck’s, so he’s wearing a hoodie and shorts that are way way too big on him, but it makes Buck stare at Eddie like he’s looking at the rest of his life, too. so Eddie goes to answer the door and it’s Athena bc Janice the uppity neighbor did call the cops, and Eddie has a massive hickey on his neck and sex hair and he’s giggling and blushing and Athena sighs bc she doesn’t get paid enough for this. but she does say she’s happy for them, and tells Buck (she can’t see him but she knows he’s sitting on the couch bc she can hear him giggling, though she doesn’t want to know about what) that he better not be doing anything to injure himself further bc he just got out of the hospital, and Eddie smiles and blushes and says “i’m taking care of him” and Athena says “i’m sure you are” and then she leaves and Eddie shuts the door and Buck is still butt naked on the couch and still hard too and so Eddie throws off his clothes and loves and loves and loves him.

yay :) :) :)

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never closing on alobby because everyone fully believed that jesus was dead. the tomb was closed. the disciples wept. everyone grieved. 

bobby was buried. his family wept. everyone grieved. and the audience is experiencing that same finality.

and then BOOM. BACKSTREET’S BACK ALRIGHT

you can all be doubting thomas’ but i will be the beautiful mary magdalene yelling to everyone that the lord has returned. bobby nash is alive 🙂‍↕️

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i'm gonna speak my truth here, i do not think that eddie wants buck to stop making assumptions and ask him how he feels, because i do not think eddie wants to look at how he actually feels, let alone talk about it.

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There's something I've been chewing over in my mind about the tension between buck being like of course I'm not worth staying for, I always get left, I deserve this, all I can do is try to protect myself and the idea that he is, in some way, starting to draw some of these boundaries because he is realizing that he doesnt actually want what he perceives as scraps of family and putting in all the work without getting back what he wants and needs out of it and I feel like I don't quite have the full shape of it yet but it's a very fun thing to have in my mental bubble tea shaker

yeahhhh. like, i'm not even sure if buck thinks about it in terms of 'i deserve this' or that he thinks eddie doesn't love him as much, but i think the reality of eddie leaving, and not really discussing it with him at all (he only tells buck because buck caught him looking at listings - and sure, he would have told him eventually, but how long would that have taken? and then again, with the job: 'i was gonna tell you' / 'yeah, but you didn't'), has made the lines there very clear, in his mind. because it's a totally normal way for eddie to act, if they are just regular best friends. so i think from buck's perspective, eddie is the one who drew that line and he's just stepping back to the other side of it. that's the subtext of his 'i know' when eddie says he does matter to him. it's 'i know (but that doesn't change anything)'.

now, importantly, i don't think eddie has been thinking about it like this at all. he's been holding buck at arm's length for this whole thing because he doesn't want to get talked out of it and also because it's really emotionally difficult for him and he doesn't have the capacity to deal with buck's feelings about it too (especially since buck is usually the one to make him look at his difficult feelings). and once buck stopped fighting him on texas, they've been getting along fine, having all these facetimes, and so on. and then he gets back for the funeral and realizes that buck is completely shutting him out, and it terrifies him.

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like, i think a lot of the tension from eddie specifically this season isn't just that he wants buck to act as his husband, it's that he expects buck to treat him as a husband. and he can't be buck's husband, because he's leaving, and that's not their relationship, and he can't even look at it directly let alone admit it out loud, so it's just this horrible stew of defensive guilt over feeling like he's (once again) fucking up a marriage that doesn't even exist this time around.

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The real tragedy of Buck's life right now is that if he treats Eddie like a boyfriend, which is what they both want, then his ex and his sister are like "but are you in love with him? Why are you two like that?" but if he treats him like he would treat any other friend, then Eddie's like "where's my fucking husband who promised to be by my side forever" . and of course the problem is that, Eddie, Buck hasn't promised that to you. but Eddie is both so far inside the closet that he can't admit what he feels for Buck isn't platonic and so in love with Buck that he can't be normal about him. So they're both in an impossible situation, Eddie in one where he wants a life partner in buck but he can't admit that to himself, and Buck in one where, being the one out of the two of them who is out of the closet, people will ask him "hey. what the fuck is up with you two" and he can't answer, because that would require admitting that he and his "straight best friend" are basically married. And it's such great conflict

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911 season 8a? you will always be famous. 911 season 8b? blow up.

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What if after Chris goes to bed, Buck and Eddie are standing in the living room with the couch between them again somehow, and they don't know what to say, because all the wordless apologies already happened, and one of them should probably go get the sheets to make up the couch, but Buck keeps thinking about how Eddie woke up in the middle of the night and no one was there, Buck wasn't there, and he keeps thinking about how Eddie needs him now, and he hasn't been there, and so he crosses the room and takes Eddie's wrist in his hand, and he smiles at him, and he tugs him toward the bedroom, and Eddie goes, and they change in silence and then crawl under the covers together, and Buck takes Eddie's wrist again and pulls, and Eddie resists, but Buck pulls harder, and Eddie falls against him, and the floodgates open, Eddie buries his face in Buck's shoulder and sobs, and Buck grips the back of his neck while his own tears soak into Eddie's hair, and they fall asleep like that, and it's the first good nights sleep they've had since it happened. What then.

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me reaching inner peace as i have the same realization that evan buckley and eddie diaz had that nobody wins when arguing the “who is feeling worse” games and “who was in the right” argument and acknowledge that they were both messy, petty, and hurting but they love each other enough to be all of that with each other and be able to pick up and move forward. god bless everyone stay safe out there

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"cause you never asked what it was like. waking up in the middle of the night to that news. sitting alone in the dark, trying to keep it together so i don't scare the crap out of my kid." do you think some day buck will tell eddie what it felt like getting that call from christopher and breaking traffic laws to get to the house as fast as possible with his heart in his fucking throat scared out of his mind and having to swallow it all down for christopher.

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AND THEN after saying it in the mirror three times, buck appears and hears eddie say “i’m gay” for the fourth time- this time he’s saying it for himself- and then they kiss

eddie’s gonna walk into that confessional and be like “bless me father for i have sinned…. i-”and he wont even say anything and fr brian will be like “right. your penance is to look in the mirror and say ‘i am gay’ 3 times”

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eddie’s gonna walk into that confessional and be like “bless me father for i have sinned…. i-”and he wont even say anything and fr brian will be like “right. your penance is to look in the mirror and say ‘i am gay’ 3 times”

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well. that wasnt a very good catholic funeral for my best friend, allegedly dead, bobby nash

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thinking about eddie diaz and crashing tf out again because what do you mean. what do you mean he was 10 years old he was told he had to step up and be the man of the house (when i was 10 years old, my friends and i were writing overdramatic haikus about soup and turning a small chair into a deity) and he tried to drive his mom to the hospital when she went into labor and he got reamed at for it, but he was 10, his mom was in pain, and his dad wasn't there- his dad was NEVER there- so eddie had to step up and help out and was expected to be perfect.

what do you mean he returns from war with three bullet wounds and a dead friend and no one will give him a moment to grieve, to recuperate, to process. he has three bullet wounds and a head full of misery, but he has a kid he loves and wants to do right by, a partner he's disappointing, and parents who are doubling down more than ever.

what do you mean his parents try to take his son at every chance they get. what do you mean that instead of offering condolences when his wife dies, his parents try to take a son away from his father so he can lose two parents in one go. what do you mean that eddie diaz loses a wife- loses the woman who was once upon a time his best friend- and nearly loses his current best friend, and then nearly loses his son and best friend again a few months later, and he still has to be a good father and keep it together and he cannot grieve because if he grieves, he'll blow.

what do you mean that he blows everything up anyway, years later, because the grief never went away, he never allowed himself the proper time to think about it ,and he's seeing his dead wife in a random woman who is forcing him to reconcile with all of these emotions and past hurt, and what do you mean that when their son is obviously hurting and in pain, the diaz parents use this opportunity to take christopher away from him.

what do you mean they don't even try to keep communication open so they can reconcile. what do you mean that they think so little of their son, they care so little for their son, that they have such little respect for their son, that they refuse to see him as anything more than that 10 year old boy that they placed the responsibilities of a 35 year old on. what do you mean they trusted him more as a 10 year old, to be responsible for children and provide for a family, than as a grown ass adult.

what do you mean people in texas think ramon is christopher's father. what do you fucking mean.

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i made a 9-1-1 groupchat with my friends and siblings bc i thought it would be funny bc only 2 of us actively watch the show and make it everyone else’s problem. my one friend, who has not seen a single second of the show but has listened to us yell about buck and eddie for ages, texted this during today’s episode’s debrief and im STILL laughing LMAOOO. this is being downloaded into my vernacular for forever. buck’s fart? was disrespectful AND disgusting.

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sometimes i think people forget that 9-1-1 is a television show that has the world's most insane timeline and has multiple main characters that have various plot lines, so the audience does not see Everything. and part of the job of the audience is to see what is presented and then recognize the implications of what is being shown.

saw a post that was like "i generally agree with the statement that fanon exaggerates how much of a father figure Buck is to Chris, but i'm glad that the most recent episodes are establishing it" and that's a fine and fair thing to say but also ! i think a lot of fanon is a fair conclusion to make from the Canon Events that did happen.

the obvious one is Eddie putting Buck into his will. in order to have that happen, Eddie must have seen Buck interact with his son more than enough times to have complete faith and trust in him to raise Chris the way Eddie would want and knows that Buck would do anything to make Chris happy.

but then we have the scenes of Chimney asking "can't you both be the good cop?" and Buck and Eddie both saying no, implying that this is something that they've gone through together! Eddie asks Buck to talk to Chris about girls! Eddie asks Buck to talk to Chris when Eddie messed up with the K*m situation! Chris runs to Buck when Eddie starts dating again! Buck watches Chris when Eddie's at therapy and goes on dates! they have dinners together at Buck's house, they have dinners at Eddie's house (where even Taylor Kelly was invited when her and Buck were dating). Chris asks Buck to go to his house to play video games, and Eddie gives Buck That Look. Buck was taking care of Chris when Eddie got shot before he even knew about the will. Chris demands to see Buck while he's in a coma. Buck canonically takes Chris to the zoo without Eddie being there (and sometimes he IS there for a family outing), Buck is literally just hanging out and fiddling with a toy dinosaur while Eddie last minute packs for Texas for the retirement party.

like sure. maybe Buck isn't cooking them breakfast every weekend and maybe Abuela hasn't given Buck the family recipes or whatever, but saying "Buck is a common fixture in the Diaz household" or "Buck is a second parental figure to Chris" is not an exaggeration to make. if people want to say they have standing movie nights, or that Buck has chaperoned a school field trip, or that they've all gone on a weekend trip to San Diego together- that's not a far reach! in order for all of the mentioned canon scenes to happen, there has to be so many BuckandEddieandChris moments happening behind the scenes in order for it to make sense.

yes the most recent episodes of season 8 are helping to establish Buck's parental role in the Diaz family, but that's just icing on a seven layer red velvet cake. and i, for one, will have my cake AND eat it too

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he won't say he's in love (cause he isn't.) (he swears.) (eddie's STRAIGHT)