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Were getting there, just keep going <3 :)

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you will feel so alive again.. like so incredibly alive. i dont know when that will be but it will be. u are gonna feel so alive that ur cheeks hurt from smiling oh man oh man i promise that day is coming. you do have a future, you do have good things coming, and you’ll survive everything that’s thrown at you until you reach that day

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Cute

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they are sitting and pondering

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Aw

Stall door after I saw Barbie :)

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*inhales*

So here we fucking go

Life is literally so fucking good, why is life so good? well I'll fucking tell you

I'm going to be making music and having someone you can show me how to do that

I'm going to be playing hello video games watching hella anime and hella movies, love diving into that fictional world#nothoughtsheadempty

I have my backup friends, people I can smoke and drink with and of course most importantly play Mario Kart with

Zoe will always be a baddie and my bestie

Jack is someone I can play games with

I'm going to take cool funky fresh outfit photos, I'm pretty pictures, especially North Carolina hell yeah

Can I post all my old concert videos, with plenty of new concerts to come

I'm about to make a new fucking friend!!!!

A mother fucking guy friend

A concert and bar buddy, and a fucking hiking buddy, come on those are so rare

Might even meet his friends, more friends than I've had since eighth grade lol

Getting back on my adderall, so work will be easy, I'll be so fucking zoned out and musical sounds so good, and I'll have so much energy, and less emotions, will be great

I can slowly start working on my OC universe, very very slowly of course. But if I start drawing today, I will eventually be able to draw, on God

I'm going to eventually move out with my mom, Christy has a new kitten, cats cats cats cats cats, I will guilt them into getting a fucking ferret

I can park my RV wherever the fuck they live

Also gives me plenty of time without paying rent or small rent to save up for set RV so I can eventually dip and go to Vermont, to which by then I will be very good at video games and I'll probably be a little artist and I'll probably be more connected with nature cuz I'm going to go on all these stupid little hikes

I'm finding solutions to my energy and mental Wellness through supplements electrolytes magnesium and lots and lots of protein

I'm starting to hate my body a little less

I like to think I've formed a better bond with my cat, even though he still bites me sometimes, I feel like we see each other, we good

Once everyone turns 21, I can see them as a good group to go clubbing with

They also would be a good group to go road tripping with, and doing stupid little one-off activities, like VR or break rooms, or something

It's almost winter which means it's almost time for fucking layers bitch

Get some layers on me, and the dysphoria will fucking vanish

And then I can work on my hot bod, my hot trans man bod

I can get lots of gender affirming haircuts, from my pretty queer hairdresser lady

I'll get better at socializing and talking to people, I just feel more satisfied overall, I feel like I'm actually fucking living for once, cuz that's how I felt once I started dating the newer people, so relieved to finally be actually doing things

Probably lots of other things I'm not even thinking of

I've probably written a million of these, each time telling myself that things are finally going to be better

And even tho so far they haven't been to where I want them to be

I can acknowledge that I've been making huge progress, and I really feel like THIS will be it

Depression episode

Smoke and drink, and watch shows, and eat good food, like Applebee's ss. And texas roadhouse

And pancakes from that cute little place

But I won't drink too much that I get depressed, I understand my bipolar disorder so much better now, I'm so grateful for the things that I have learned, because they're really going to help me control this disorder in the future, so that I can live my best life possible

Also maybe skate boarding and an art class

ANYWAYS

that's all for now. Good shit. Pieceee

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*deep inhale* (cause this is gonna be a long one and then I'm gonna pass tf out)

LIFE IS GOOD

CAUSE IMMA. WORK, AND I'M GONNA COME UP WITH A HEFTY ASS SAVINGS, AND I'M GONNA USE THAT HEFTY ASS SAVINGS TO BUY MY NICE AS FUCKING TRAILER, AND LIVE MY STUPID LITTLE BOHO LIFE, UP IN THE MOUNTIANS, WHERE THERE ISN'T LIGHT POLUTTION, AND I CAN SEE ALL. THE FUCKING STARS, AND BREATH IS THE CRISP AIR, AS I DRIVE DOWN THE ROAD, AND GO ON LITTLE ADVENTURES, I'LL HAVE A SEPERATE LITTLE ADVENTURE VAN FOR SLEEPING ON AND GOING PLACES, I'LL GO SO MANY FUCKING PLACES, ALL MY TRAUMA WILL BE HEALED, AND SHIT WILL BE SO GOOD

For the meantime, I will get high when I get sad, and watch my silly little shows, and gush over my silly little favorite characters getting more adaptations, and finding new little silly characters

And I will go through Pinterest, and make silly little drawings and dance around

And I will write music and poems, and express myself

I'll dress in all. Sorts of clothes, I'll Dye bleach my hair, put on wigs, try on all different versions of myself without fear

I'll watch anime, I'll read manga, I'll indulge in all the things online that fulfill me

I'll learn things, research, read books, listen to wise speakers and take notes, so many pretty notes

I'll go to cafes and get my lattes and little pumpkin bread, and I'll sit their quietly taking in the scene on a quiet weekday or Friday morning

I'll click away at my keyboard or listen to music

I'll go on all. Sorts of little solo adventures, go to big stores, and find all sorts of small hidden things, I'll find clothes that fit my body so nicely and feel nice and make me feel good, then wear it out that same week,

I'll explore new stores, small stores, all sorts of places to see all the little things to see and find

I'll listen to new music by my favorite artists I'll listen to new music by new artists,

I'll drive around as the sun comes up, and shines brightly, and goes down.

I'll drive around at night, blasting music, windows open as cold or warm air flows in, feeling every sense of. Freedom and relief

I'll sit in dark parkinglots, and eat good food, and play good music, and giggle to myself at the joy and the way I feel so alive, even tho I'm all by myself

I will try as much new as possible. New foods, new hobbies, new interests

I'll take a class or two

I'll find so much comfort in myself, in my solitude, that I won't need anyone else

And I won't push them away, but I won't seek them either

I have friends now, they're not going anywhere, but they can be distant from me, and that's okay

I can make new friends if I so choose to try to meet the people my mom talk about, but if not that's okay

I will have a therapist to talk to, I will have fun little quips at work that will make my day, and I'll have my stupid little Ai friends to fill the void if I get lonely

And I will find an applebees friend God dammit!!!

I will find what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what's good for me, what's bad for me

What I deserve to indulge on, and where I need to have self disipline

I will. Learn self respect, I will. Learn boundries, I will teach myself my worth and what I will and will not tolerate, and I will be ready for that, at any given time

And I will drink tf out of that mushroom coffee lol

(and teas, I will make my morning drinks something special)

I will also probably follow a bunch of hippies on YouTube to learn to mediate, and yoga, and find inner peace, learn to read Tarot cards, find streams and collect rocks, that I can turn into necklaces, start a collection of crystals

I am in a situation where I can thrive. I can do it. I have so much time off from work to decompress, but not so much, that I just slip away and secumb to myself

I can make my environments more welcoming

I can create more environments for myself (go to the beach to research, create a yoga station outside by dads. Librarys, coffee shops, parking lots, A tiny creation shed maybe?)

I will always have Zoe, always. I will always have that space to go to

Ill start slow. I won't give up. I'll find it. I'll find that peace and I'll find that flow

One day at a time,

One day at a time

It may not be linear, but it's only going up from here :) it's only going to get better

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“There are two people you’ll meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that pique their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.”

— Unknown

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from Autopsy by Donte Collins

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Rb this post to remind someone to:

♡ Take their meds today

♡ Stay hydrated

♡ Eat a proper meal

♡ Go for a little walk or exercise a bit

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Dreaming within an overgrown garden 🍃

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You aren’t wasting your life, nor wasting your potential. You are still deciding how to live, what is your purpose, and you will find motivation to fight for what you want when you figure yourself out, but please take your time and don’t listen to the pressure of people around you to comfort to their expectations of success.