postbreakup

[postbreakup]

Journalling my healing process

So, this is more for myself. I got dumped after 6 years cause his parents told him to cut it off, we were thinking of getting engaged. It’s been a week of no-contact and a lot of highs and lows mostly lows. Yesterday night I was battling extreme suicidal thoughts that had been bottling up. Ive decided I’m going to keep an online journal of my healing process as it will give me some purpose to life (knowing that i have to update this journal for y’all :)).

Self note*: I will get through this.

Day 1: I managed to make it through the day. In the morning I was balling in tears and didnt get out of bed until 12. I realised I had to get some of my uni reading done and looked at my reading list. I had to read a 60 page article and write notes on it. I managed to do it. It helped me keep my mind of stuff. I tried to make some food but honestly I didn’t have the emotional strength. I decided to order food instead. I got some pasta and fries (decided to indulge in comfort food). Finished the pasta not the fries tho. I’m still online stalking his online activity- its a bad habit. I still have hope but that hope is slowly dying away and that makes me sad. I want him to be happy- even tho he broke me he was there for me at one point. These feelings I can’t explain. He stood by me on one hand and he broke 100 promises on the other- it makes you question the depth of his feelings. Was there once feelings but it faded which gave him the capability to hurt me so bad? God knows. I have no closure at all. When he left he told me ‘i love u’ and i said i hated him back…part of me wonders if I should have said that :(. I wish he had the stance to breakup in person rather than text i think thats what made me the angriest. I’m still so hurt but i feel like I’m trying to convince myself I’m ok. I will get through this.

Day 2: It’s been 8 days since the breakup…wow. The wounds still feel fresh. On a positive light at least I’m not screaming into my pillow every night and shouting at god why he never answered any of my prayers. I woke up in the morning feeling meh. You know that feeling when you managed to sleep and you wake up and you suddenly remember all the sadness in your life that you’ll have to endure and internalise throughout the day until you can go to sleep. Yup I’m getting a daily dose of that every morning. I managed to wake up at 8:30 instead of 12 (mainly because i was so behind in my reading). Today I managed to read two articles and write notes on them and i was able to create a presentation for my law society workshop as well. It really hurt creating the presentation because my ex was supposed to come and see my first workshop event i hosted at uni. I keep looking at my phone waiting for a text…am i fooling myself? Will he ever text me. My brain is realising that he is not good for me…I can’t be with someone who has the potential to leave me when things get tough no matter how loyal and supportive I am. I’m still drowning in the love i still have for him. I think i will always love him, its always been like that when we were on a break I wasn’t able to give my full to other people because my heart belonged to him. I still can’t comprehend how he is able to make this decision to live in a world without me. Today I didnt eat so well. In fact whilst writing this I feel like absolute shit. Like where has my life come to? Writing a random journal nobody is gonna read anyways…almost like talking to myself…have i become crazy? But I will get through this.

Day 3- We had out final closure yesterday a lot of miscommunication was cleared but it makes me sadder than before. He let me know that he was cold on purpose in order to make me hate him so it would be easier to get over him. It was a very emotional conversation. He told me we could meet up for closure but i declined because the idea of seeing him hurts, and i didnt want to create anymore memories to drown myself in at night. He cared about me a lot and I understand he just wasn’t ready for marriage and the only reason he went with it was cause he loved me more than himself. His parents disowning him and kicking him out is another issue- its not that there was no love between us there was an intense love, perfect compatibility, we never fought and when we did we were able to resolve it peacefully and listen to each other. It was just external circumstances. Honestly, the bar is high for the next person, i never clicked so well with anyone else. He said we can wish each other happy birthday every year but i said i think seeing glimpses of each other twice a year is going to hurt us and he agreed. The breakup initially was very messy i was very upset but I didn’t want to leave it on a bad note we resolved and took back anything we said that was hurtful and made up. I think the fact we were able to have a civil discussion, express out feelings, accept and recognise why the other felt the way they did only shows how compatible we were and its just that life got in the way. He truly was ‘the one that got away’. I want nothing but happiness for him he’s been struggling with his depression for a while and i want him to get out of it. I want to get out of all my problems too. I’m really glad he has a support network, a therapist a psyiatrist. I need to work on forming my own support network too. I will get through this.