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My family is no longer allowed to play Wii bowling.

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W H A T

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You ever be so comfortable in bed, you start rubbing your legs together like a cricket?

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*old balding comedian voice* hear about that new iphone? A thousand dollars, wow. the only phone id pay a thousand dollars to use is one thatd let me talk to my wife and kids again

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I might not be able to wear a binder for any length of time anymore, but you bet your ass I’m putting it on before I get my haircut so I can get those sweet sweet men’s prices.

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Child: What’s a VHS?

Me:

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Tumblr is finally catering to me

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i think drinking a fuckton of water out of your hands from the sink is in the same class of primal urges as running up stairs on all fours

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me: im tired 

Someone in walmart: NOT as tired as our TROOPS! 

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The “more you might like” quadrant of recommended posts that appears whenever you reblog something is the new political compass

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Do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection 

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I’ve learned that I was panicking

Heyo

Ya know that feeling you get when you’re forced to play review games in your economics class and the teacher makes you stand in front of all your peers as you fumble for an answer to the random questions and your knees start to shake as you stand there and start breathing out super hard and making it impossible for you to breath in at a regular pace????