pppanwenjun

[pppanwenjun]

I was not in love, just horny

[pppanwenjun]

Pan Wen Jun

I think I am a sociopath, or at least have traits related to antisocial personality disorder. Ever since I was young I have felt remarkably unhuman. As a little girl, I would just be confused on how other children acted, and I analyzed them, spotted patterns, and essentially acted like them, but I always felt so distant and different. One of the first few signs is that even as a girl I have felt so disconnected from animals, even cute ones. While others dropped everything for a cute dog, I did not smile or squat down. I just stood there and looked at it in silence, I did not want to hurt it or anything but I just could not act like the rest of the people. 

I have a vivid memory of me being in bed, sick, and a nanny came over to watch me. She brought her baby and that baby played with me, while the nanny went to wash dishes. When we were all alone, I started pinching the baby because I wanted to get a reaction out of it. I wanted it to feel pain. I was around 5 years old. When the baby finally cried, the mother came back and asked what happened. I had already planned to say that she is crying because she missed her mother. She believed me. 

Other times, I would play with younger kids and would lock them up in a dark room and tell them something was gonna get them. I remember laughing at their cries and screams. No one cared that I did this. Never got into trouble or got lectured by an adult. I was a big bully, all throughout middle school. I preyed upon the weak and insecure, and turned everyone against them. Now that I have changed, I still feel no remorse for it. I probably would not do it again, but back then, it made me feel powerful and strong. 

People say bullies do the things they do because they themselves are insecure and just want help. I believed this narrative and even felt pity for my younger self, but maybe I was just fucked up in the head. I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it, and how to do it. I was sick, and I am tired of convincing myself that I just needed love and compassion as a young kid myself.

Even with my vile behavior, no one batted an eye because I could act all sweet if I wanted to. I was also a good student so it was less probable in their eyes that someone like me could be so rotten outside. I did get into trouble because of jokes “took too far”. Whenever I got into trouble, I felt so frustrated and confused because I just did my version of what everyone else seemed to do and found it funny. I observed them, understood them, and did my own version of it, but I only did it because I thought anyone else would do the same thing. I was so wrong because I would never understand what was appropriate and what was not. 

It does not help that all my life, even now, I feel superior to the rest. I understand I am not the smartest in the world, but I am in my own little world. I still get into trouble and disappoint my parents and friends. They give me endless chances but I always go back to my ways at some point. I wish I could be trusted and I wish I could control myself, but I don’t, so I can only do the same shit again and be forgiven again. I know I should not be this way but it almost controls me. 

I wish I was naturally sweet and kind. I wish I was just a troubled teen with trauma. But after all of this shit, I wonder how much of me is the real me and how much of me is the trauma coming through? I am not pitiful or anything, I am my own enemy. Every time I mess up I convince myself I did because I had a cause. I drank because I have social anxiety, I smoked because I have insomnia, I cut myself because my family was so mean, I dated that boy because I loved him, right? In reality, sadly, it is all a gamble in my eyes. Ramon was right, I do this shit because I like to gamble if I get caught or not.

I also am a great actress, I have been told. I cry if I need compassion, and I smile if I need to charm. I have a million backstories of why I am this way; I have told them to the psychologists. And I have told them so much, I start to believe them. I am not human and I am tired of pretending I am. I want to be accepted as the monster I can be. I want that to be ok.