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A First Chapter To Some
Wow, how awesome is it to fucking just type here? Like honestly, I’m smiling from ear to e-her... just due to the freedom of tumblrs format.
Wowww.. spaces without the hashtag crap. Mannn is this awesomeee!
But really. Excitement and all this momentary joy...
Things are piling up but it’s not just that it’s the inability to see.
That’s the confusing part. I don’t even want to mention the subject matter because I don’t want to entangle myself in it again but that is what I avoid is the entire fold of what it is that irks me.
2018.. I’ve been away from this, I feel different, the voice is the same but it is the same.
Have I changed.. oh, have I grown?
Since I’ve ceased to write within these boundaries, my writing skills may have somewhat decreased but other areas in my life have surely developed for the good and I am ultimately thankful and happy that they have.
Its like coming back to something that I had no awareness of. This open, blank space of digital patterns and codings that just exist here to exist. Mental dumping grounds.
What do I want.
I want to dream and remember. I want contact with my higher self again, I want to believe in something higher again, but I do that logical and reason my way to it.
Higher self.
Produce?
I don’t know. I’m playing a lot of music these days. How do I see myself? I am unaware, I’m in the game and playing the rules yet waiting.
Always fuckin waiting.
Hm... we’ll see.
What are my next steps to a higher skill level, new levels to develop new talents and shit?
Lol.. I don’t know.
It’s good to be back, briefly.
Don’t really have much time anymore anyways.
We’ll see..
We’ll see....
What I seriously want is real sex. Not joking.
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There are good people in this world.
If you can’t find one.
Be one.
Anyways.
Superposition - something that can be in two or more states at once.
Quantum entanglement - things are connected no matter how far apart they are in time and space, They react the same way at the same moment, to only one’s surroundings to stay connected.
Quantum tunneling - moving in between head universes or states. Able to talk to each other in the different states.
Naturally occurring.
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I haven’t given much thought to it, slowly I’ve been remapping and re-placing the situation and matter at hand.
It’s just that I didn’t want to feel at that level of emotion anymore.
It was anger.
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The fates have strung,
Two threads into one,
In hearts,
In minds,
In spirits and in time
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THE WAXES AND WANES OF READING OLD SHIT.
FUCKIN DEPRESSING STUFF YOU KNOW.
JESUS HAMBURGER.
FUCKIN SHIT SOMETIMES. YOU TAKE YOUR LIFE FOR GRANTED AND YOUR BODILY HEALTH.
MUST I WRITE!?
A MANIFESTO!
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If I battle this all my life, then this is going to be a testament to the idea of mild suffering... lol.
I don’t want I get all serious about it and shit but seriously, this shit is ANNOYING.
Just by observing my actions in wow and how I’m just out of it and not thinking anywhere but in this swelling, hot and tight pain, it’s not even pain it’s like a fuckin swirl or irritating hotness in my chest.
Oh lord, the scenarios my mind creates when it’s idle. Jesus Christ, it’s like I’m a fuckin tragedy.
“Im about to die.. oh god... I’ve not yet done what I was meant to do... unfulfilled potential.. GREG ODEN syndrome.. oh lord, for the sake of his sorrowful passion...”
I MEAN COME ON, ITS A FUCKIN CHEST COLD PLUS I HAVE CHRONIC BRONCHITIS AND COPD.
Jesus, this ain’t gonna be good for my in the future, lol, fuck.
Need to get new lungs and shit, ala elyceum.
Alright, I cancelled today and guess what.
I need to rest. Probably go to the office and turn in that paper shit.
My body doesn’t feel this annoying pain when I’m occupied or when I’m doing something, it’s there and it comes back. That’s what’s annoying, just like any other lingering tick like before.
Well.
Shit.
I haven’t written to myself in how long? It’s like I don’t even know what the fuck is happening or what even fuckin. It’s all petty.
Like, I’m taking shit seriously yet on the other hand I’m like fuck it.
What kind of shit is this! I’m sleepy too! Mother of all shits you know.
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These are the times, the waning and low, semi-low moments.
It could have been a direct influence of the ice I put on my head.
But I can already feel it, I'm entering their matrix, it's beginning to wear on me, and what I was and had before is gradually slipping away.
Not really, but going through the motions, yes. Filling my time up and all of it, it's just making open spaces crammed. Crammed with useless shit like watching YouTube videos or downloading porn, uploading porn, reading basketball shit. It's all apart of this finely tuned and engineered social device.
I'm going through it and I'm finally realizing how difficult it is for others. I'm grateful for my life and what I've been given.
Thank you, really.
I'm forgetting more and more, the days pass by and it's as if nothing happened in my life.
A disappearance of some sort, like a flash and everything is gone. I'm not familiar with this but I've been this way my entire life up until it started. Like a glitch or a blip in my life that took me out of it to look at it, now I'm right back in.
Havent had the time to reflect.
I'm going to do that tomorrow. When I wake up.
Yeah.
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It's not that I don't have friends it's that I don't have friends.
I don't gel or mesh with many people, I don't feel like I want to be around certain people for extended amounts of time, like in the same presence. Seriously.
I have zero urges or needs for some kind of friendship, it's sad because I not many people can offer what I need or want.
Or am I wrong? I am, of course, but... yes.
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It's the fact that I don't feel the need to be treated like a valueless entity anymore.
Sorry, but I'm not taking that bullshit anymore and I'm not and I haven't been.
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Same things tend to happen.
It's being written for no one to read, there's no merit or value except.. for my own personal cleansing and purgary.
If it is all for meaning, then what am I doing that needs to be corrected. I don't want a big hit to the face but some kind of fuckin... acknowledged nod or some shit that it is.
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I guess it really doesn't matter if I saved it or not.
Not like it's gonna be read, truly, this time around.
Old fears arise and it becomes something if I allow it to fester into something, like giving it attention.
Complacency.
I really don't know, I'm stuck in this weird zone and condition of like... trotting the path but.. not really paying attention to my overall being.
Lost in a forgotten meaning.
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Doesn't really matter.
It's not like I was going to save it anyways, as if it would've meant something.
Turning out to just be some kind of tool or device to let my mind... interact with itself like the blocks and puzzles in a waiting room for children.. to stimulate the mind and advert the attention away from a bored gaze.
I'm not sure what I want. I say what I want to do, I can do it.
But the moment I do it, the wheels begin to turn and life will accelerate and there's no going back. That's what I fear or so it seems...
The internal dialogue, everything about it.
I'm not the only one, that I know.
I feel it. The slipping of my mind and grip on myself. The sensation of falling into some kind of mild depression, I feel it and have felt it, accumulating for some time now.
A very barren mental mind set, two months have past and it doesn't even feel real.
The time I mean.
Spikes of creativity here or there, little to no inspiration or motivation. Hmm.. symptoms of depression I see, yet wouldn't everyone be diagnosed as well the same then? It seems that way.. no, I'm correct.
It is that way.
Fear.
Worry.
Slipping into each other, tangling itself into each other.
We lay in bed, tossing and turning, for the fear of being tired. It's like all the memes say.
What is it that causes us to do this?
Well, at least I'm able to assess and objectively observe myself and the problems I possess.
It's not uncommon nor rare, quite common actually.
I'll think about it. Truly.
If I do? What then? I do not feel as if I will forgive. I'm still quite angry I think, when I truly think about it.
Makes me crazy. Still.
What would be the strategic way to handle all things should it happen again and when I'm presented with it in face, all over again? And all of the past possibilities, present and future intangibles that I cannot observe or assess?
I hardly predict things, that's not a trait I possess. Everything is based off of current happenings. Situational. Purely situational...
Not something I would like. I like to prepare but everything seems situational with me.
Based off of situational circumstances, yes.
Well.. it started going downhill since things start to end. Yes. That's it.
An ending to something.. that's what it is.
Exactly..
Endings are problems.
Well.
The gestalt that is the human condition.
Deterioration.
Entropy.
Chaos.
Destruction.
Withering.
Well..
I will have to think about it. I already know she'll be with him. There's no other way around it. She has nobody else.
The fact that she has to hurt me in ways that are unnaturally illogical but naturally emotional.
Pity? No.
Disappointment.
Yes.
I need to start acting because I know when this happens, something bad happens to get my attention. Not this time..
This time I'm not... unaware... hopefully.
Naive to the whole picture.
Maybe.. maybe not.
I wouldn't know.
I just know I can't sleep and shit.
For all I fuckin know, she's probably with dude or something all the time. I don't know but it's a possibility.
That's the biggest shame and disappointment. I assume the worst and sometimes, the worst is always correct because I have zero faith in that person.
Not even labeling her a girl anymore.
Just a person to me now.
Don't even know her.. never did.
Just some person I thought I would come to know, but it's looking less and less likely even though somewhere inside me will always believe.
That's the sad part.
Fear.
Worries.
It's as if I'm being stripped of all things even though I'm in the most fortunate situation ever.
Grateful.
Fortunate.
I'm not sure how to keep track of it on a daily basis when it's always been present.
Such a difficulty.
Really.
The things I take for granted.
Well.
That's me.
I'm not sad or self inflicting about it.
I just... forget.
Really.
I know there's something faulty about my brain and how it perceives...
Really.
Such an irritant.
Very low drive for zest, fervor and the ability to feel alive.
I've always been that low energy person.
Conserving energy for something.
Only in little spurts or openings do I feel as if my energy will radiate out of me for an intentful cause or meaningful reason.
Truly introverted I am.
Quiet.. I've realized.
Not even calculating.
Seriously just fuckin uncaring about a lot of shit.
A blessing and a curse unfortunately.
We'll see...
Seems as though it was needed. Required, evidently and obviously so...
Need to just write in any form.
To get it out.
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I don't know what it is or what will be. All I know is that I'm not going to perpetuate and recycle a pattern only for me to receive the same treatment. Whatever sign or whatever, man, overself, please send a assurance message that I'll overcome the obstacles placed before me. This is a tethering pattern, very low on energy and inefficient behaviors. Oscillating between borderline sadness and glancing the edges of madness and anger. Yes. I'm done with the games, of this stage. No more for me. It'll be a strange while and it's become something else to get used to the emptiness of my mind and the unwillingness to share, as I've always been. Whatever. Fuck you for all of this. There's still anger and resentment, bitterness and coldness to my touch. Whatever. The anger is still here.
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The difference between many things but this quiet of the mind is something I've not experienced ever since what, 2008? 2009? It's not that I didn't care. It's that I'm not interested in being played with for the sake of being played with. Yet, it's a conundrum because I revolved my life around it and then when I've ceased the interaction, it's like it's stale, my life I mean. I lay in bed, time passes by faster than usual, it's slow, my mind isn't wandering, it's in a state of Abeyance, suspension. Hovering, idly, in a droning manner. Stalled. I'm in a place where... I'm not leaving it up to life. I actually do.. care, somewhat maybe. But. It's in a state of... suspense. There's no in between, I'm not hesitating. I'm just living, sooner or later, I will look at schools and get all of that down. For now, I'm living life as it is. It's completely, mute. That's a great adjective and description in describing my current condition. It's muted, my life is on mute. I don't... I'm stuck in a transition phase, right in the middle of it. I don't care about what she does. Slowly, I'm declining and detaching most of almost everything. I don't give a shit what is or whatever. There's still that desire to grasp a destiny because what I thought was fate or meant to happen, that's what... allures me to the whole situation. But now. I want no interaction with that person. I don't even know her, yet I think about the whole ordeal here and there during the day. Wondering if I'm jealous or why I don't have the desperate fulfillment to fuck some other girl when I really want to but there's this lingering, fucking after affect of shit. This is a difficult task in defragmentation these last two months. Very little extraction of thought. I'm not happy. I don't want to pursue something that will just rerun the cycle over and over. It's a broken record, I'm not going to go back there. Not anymore. Now it's just you and I, higher self, God or whatever the fuck. Felt like I was declining quite a bit there. She'll be with him, it's inevitable. I don't give a rats ass dude. I'm not in the business of being betrayed or played like that. Fuck you and your life. I'm tired of that shit, yet somehow it fuels me because it's something that occupied my mental space because I'm always gutting things out and there's nothing there. Very little motivation or inspiration to learn something and totally comprehend the data and information to be remotely applicable to my current life conditions. The proclivities of my behavior in this mental state is atrociously fucking mundane and dull, banal, vapid and insipidly colorless. I have zero interest in many things outside of my targeted agenda. I only do or think of what is my goal or wanted desire. There's not much else, I swear to fucking god. I'm becoming one of them and I can feel it. Yet.. it's like I'm welcoming this fucking existence because... there will be change and that will drastically alter my whole life. I don't fucking know what the fuck is going to happen. It's like I'm cutting myself off from all worlds. Declining my self in some kind of sad, brooding time frame that is ripe for entrapment. Can't see things anymore with old eyes, old thoughts and ideas. They don't work. This isn't going to work. Is it my fault? Fuck you. I'm not trying to convince nobody anymore. You live your life the way you live it, I'm not wasting my time on her anymore. It's a fucking loss of time and exerted energy. I don't care about her fucking past pains or whatever. Be a real fuckin person. I don't and will not play this fuckin dangerous internet game where I question my reality. Fuck that. I'll find someone else or someone else will find me. This isn't set in stone and if you hang up on fate so many times, then the next wave is going to sweep it away eventually and life will find other solutions to an ignored problem. Yeah, whatever. Fuck you and everything. I'm still angry and bitter, this is truth. I'm not willing to fucking share anything with her. Fuck her. This isn't working, you've been watching haven't you? It's not working, nothing will, she's a fucking coward who is am alcoholic, no family with shit behaviors and mannerisms. There you go, thanks for the bright light. This oscillating fucking swings are brutal and I'm not trying to be fucking apathetic and dad like everybody fuckin else. No thank you. I'm not trying to waste my body and insides for some fun. I wish for someone else to come into my life, someone suitable, a fine ass girl. I don't want the guilt of wanting someone new. Isn't it justified? I would think so yet, the deepest crevices of my mind still hold on to that snaggletoothed, underbite bitch. We'll see. My discernment is advanced.
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