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[princessbella004]

Whereas some people may say I’m pretty, or cool, or smart you show me the absolute awe I bring down upon you. Some people kiss me to feel the feeling of lips on lips or skin touching skin. You kiss me to taste me, consume me, take me as your own. Even in your brute roughness there is an underlying tone of passion that overtakes you. I think this is why I’m such a fool for you. Because you look me in my eyes and sense my soul within. You grab my hips and never ever let go. To touch your tongue to me and rather than seeing me as just another meaningless conquest you savour the sensation of you and I. Sweat, tears and the harshness of passion. Strewn clothing and sheets. Limbs tangled together. Teeth skimming lips. I can memorize how you hold me, how in my sleep you pull me closer to you. How you push my bangs off my forehead to lay a kiss where they sat. I can recollect everything you’ve whispered into my ears, the goosebumps on my skin. The sinking of my heart as we say goodbye. The fear of losing you. The fear of never feeling it again. I memorize every ounce of you. To keep me satiated til you’re in my arms again. Til I can look into your pretty eyes and remind you how I am yours and you are mine.

[princessbella004]

As I feel my chest empty, my sobs leaving my body all I hear is you. How can one heal me and hurt me simultaneously. How can you be my joy but also the bane of my existence. How can two people have so much love between them but lack the capacity to make that love into something real. I think about your praise, I wear it like a badge of honour. You make me feel every emotion, you make me see life in colour, you make me want to scream. My muse, my downfall, that’s the nature of us. I fell for you slowly then all at once. They call it falling because you come crashing down and can’t climb out, no matter how much to claw at the walls. Do you feel my claw marks on your arms still? Do you think we’re doomed? Do you think I’m a fool? Fool for your love. Maybe it is toxic. Maybe. Maybe I just know. I know how I feel I know how you feel I know what we need and how right now all of it swirls around and can’t come together. But maybe it can down the line. Maybe it never will. Maybe you’ll be my greatest loss. Maybe it’ll always be me and you and you and me and us. But there is no us. Maybe there can’t be an us but there can be a sam and a bella and we are just what we are. God, I crave you. Your lips, your hands, your voice. I crave your affection I crave your rough wicked love I crave your lust. That look in your eyes where your pupils overtake you. Where your lips quirk just a little. I crave your sighs and when you ask me for help. I crave your back rubs. I crave you calling me baby and lovey and telling me everything will be okay. I crave you being proud. I crave you seeing me as I see myself. The genuine the smart the fucking parts of me no one sees. The rawness of you and me. I crave the choking in my chest. I yearn. I yearn for you. Your collarbones. Your cheeks. Your teeth. You can take what you want from me. Consume me. Bury yourself in me. Harbour yourself in my heart. There’s no us you’re not mine I’m not yours, but I am, but I’m not. But I love this fucking feeling. Love will have me in this daze. Even if you need to leave me I’ll let you be happy. There’s no us. No we. Just you and me, and the space between.

[princessbella004]

Something about you ignites me with fire. I can just barely reach you. So close to grasping you. It’s like you slip away from me before I can get a taste. The cool dark nights threaten to whisk me away to you. They could never come as close to me as you. I’d let you into my soul if I could. Having you in my arms would suffice. Come close to me, put your hand on my chest. Feel the wild beating of my heart. Feel my pulse with your lips to my neck. Resurrect me with your sinful thoughts. Make me yours. Devour me, desecrate me, consume me, no high will triumph over you. I never knew true admiration until I got to admire you. I could drown in your thoughts, in your mind, in you. I yearn for you. I dream of you. I seek you. You’re mine and I’m yours.

[princessbella004]

I wish I could breathe you in. Take you into my lungs. Feel you in the evanescence of the cool morning air. Oh to touch you. To feel you in my hands. Skin to skin. That would be my greatest wish. I feel you in the breeze, your whispers in the wind. Its surreal to call you mine. To say I have someone who finally who fight to have me. Who won’t up and leave. I sense you in the morning dew. The gentle moisture that tickles my fingers while I pick at blades of grass. Your way of calming my anxious habit. Maybe I’m a fool or a hopeless romantic or something in between but I yearn for you, I call to you. Every landscape mimics you, I hear you in the notes of my favourite songs. You’re everything I’ve told myself to want but couldn’t find. And you’re finally mine.

[princessbella004]

Her eyes remind me of the summer leaves. Speckled with the colours of the earth, wind and sea. Constellations live with in her, I can trace her stars for hours. How can a person embody such natural beauty. Such an essence of the world passing within her. Eyes, windows to the soul, I want to swim in the warm pools of her heart. Worlds apart but so connected. I feel so intertwined. I wish I could give have her, feeding my greed and desire. I wish I could give her everything, cure her every ill. How can someone open me this way. Despite my deepest fears. My mind spiralling because of everything I may lose. How to let it all go, her essence calms me down. She’ll have me awe stricken. Bring all my walls down.

[princessbella004]

I feel like an idiot for focussing on her when you could’ve been here the whole time. You held my hand through the storm. She means nothing to me, not when you came to ease my mind. I don’t understand why I feel so much. I don’t understand why you even like me. I’m lost in my mind sometimes. You allow me to let go.

[princessbella004]

What the fuck is wrong with me.

[princessbella004]

I tell myself I’ll make friends. But still I sit and listen to the conversations around me. Fiddle with my food. Yes I’m hungry but the eyes on me make my appetite pass over me. I think of ways I could maybe interject. But still as the voices around me ignore my presence I decide not to. I slip away. Sometimes I want to make a spectacle of my own absence but even then my attempts prove to be fruitless. I try my best not to feel upset. Upset when people don’t reach out or return my calls. Upset when they’re dry. Upset when I know I’m being irrational. Everyone hates you. They’re all talking about you. No one. I mean no one could like you. That’s why I sit alone at lunch.

[princessbella004]

You’re truly laced with something worse than nicotine.

[princessbella004]

I hate seeing you in pain. I don’t even know if I want to be your girlfriend anymore. Sometimes I hardly recognize you. But I love everything about you. I know that she broke you though. I know until you help yourself you can’t be who I need. But I love you inside and out. I hate what she did to you. I hate how you feel about yourself. I hate how well we get along. I hate that we’re special to each other. I hate that there’s no other you and no other me. I hate the way I still want you. I do want to be your girlfriend but I don’t want to be her replacement. I hate how complicated this whole thing is. I’ve loved you for so long. I always have. I still want you to myself. Do you think of her when you look at me. Am I just another rebound, another hoe, another girl to brag about. Please I love you. I love you.

[princessbella004]

Maybe I’m not so sick after all. Is it sick to be like me. Is it sick to want to disappear but not to be completely vanished. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be gone. I want to feel my body sink and my mind be free of thought. Sometimes I think about ending it all. Running away and no one knowing what would happen. Would people notice my absence? Would people wonder where I went, would they even cry? Do people think about me? Maybe I’m just selfish. I hold the flame to my skin, trying not to flinch. See the white lines course against my wrists. I don’t think my life lacks purpose. I don’t think I’m worthless. I don’t even really think I don’t deserve to live. I want to fast forward to who I should be. Stop all of these feelings. Sacrifice my life, ends with true meanings. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a note. But I do think about it. What if I give up?

[princessbella004]

Sometimes you have to self implode.

[princessbella004]

A tangle of limbs. The way you kiss between my shoulder blades. The intimacy of in between. I feel you pull me in, close to your chest. Holding my waist and admiring the sun hitting my temples. I see you in the mirror, looking down at me, the arch of my back. Sometimes at night you shy away from touch only to reel me back in. Everyone says these things that attack everything I’m insecure about. Oh how you make that all disappear. Maybe you’re lying but I think I have to take it for what it is. Depth perception is limited. I have to explore with my other senses heightened. Please just don’t drop me like I’m nothing.

[princessbella004]

Such a curse to think the way I do. Feel how I feel so deeply. Such an interesting way to be. I love to pay attention to things. It tracks my thoughts into one direction. However one cannot deny the way that overthinking will penetrate your being. Swallow you whole and leave you to die. I always think there’s something to be said about how much people tend to equate emotion with weakness. It’s dumb. It’s bullshit. The amount of emotion I feel has made me stronger than most people need to be. To fight everyday with my own mind. It’s so suffocating. What is fact what is fiction and when the fact is revealed how do I not let myself get proven right time and time and time again.

[princessbella004]

I could write sonnets about the littlest freckles on your face. Worship the arch of your nose. Find beauty in the softness of your lashes. The softness of your jaw. The warmth of your chest. I could listen to the thump of your heart with my head in your chest. The way your body rises and falls as you inhale and exhale so delicately. The curves of your elbows. The bends of your knees. I’d take it all and keep it to myself if I could.

[princessbella004]

Hold me close to you and please don’t let me go.

[princessbella004]

She could set me aflame. Who could blame me. Lips like fire, eyes like ice. Take me as yours. I’d let you hold me hostage in your heart. Maybe you haven’t thought much about me but you circle in my mind like a constant omen. Kiss me hard and slow like I’m the only girl that’s ever existed. Make me forget the others. Make me forget that you’re gonna leave again. Let me enjoy this moment with you. Let me get lost in your eyes. Fuck right and wrong. Fuck good at bad. Can it just be you and me for one night. Heart to heart, skin to skin. You know me inside out. You draw me in. It’s more than just the physical, it goes beyond just the surface. You have me in your palms. You ease my mind. You make me whole. I’m not even yours but the semblance of it is enough to sustain me.