princessnakkie-blog - Tumblr blog

princessnakkie-blog · 6 years

Text

What type of woman do I want to become? 10/24

today… Chris and I kissed. once I stopped thinking it felt nice. Then his hand began to venture places I didn’t want it to. Why am I a quest? Why didn’t I stop it? I am human but listen… this isn’t how I wanted it to go. It was in front of a camera and I am so shameful. Do I not respect or love myself? Did I ever? Let us be honest. I want Chris because I am bored and it is “cuffing season”. Why do I want to date? What can I get out of dating right now? I am not seeing a therapist… I am not even in the first stages of starting the gym. I have only realized that I need to start going. Why do I need validation through a boy? Chris does not like me. Chris only wants me for what every girl has. I need to come to terms that I am average. How do I stop him from my head? I became confident when I realized what I needed to do. Be mean. I needed to be mean. Not to give him what he wants and look at what happened today. Why the fuck am I so stupid? Why am I considering to just be what he wants? No. I won’t. I got over Bashir because I got him where I wanted and even though I didn’t get entirely what I wanted… I came extremely close. Now I do not care to get a text from him. What type of woman do I want to be? I still want to remain a mystery to niggas. No, I want to remain a mystery to boys and men. In order to respect myself, I must respect those around me. Okay, we had a set back with Chris. He felt what a girl must give. He kissed me which means he already took my air. It won’t happen again. He will not speak to me because my thoughts are almost the same when it comes to discussing my heart. I value the trait I have gained. I do not hold anything back. Let us access where I went wrong in this situation though.

1. I approached him first.

2. I envisioned scenarios involving him in my head… whatever I create I try to make a reality.

3. I kept texting him back. The more I text someone is the more I find out about them. The more I find out is the more supply for me to start liking them.

4. I became a fien to talk to him. I started to procrastinate.

5. I started thinking about a relationship when I know I am not even close to being ready. I am only 19. I have been screaming this for the longest. My head isn’t where I need it to be for a relationship because I am selfish and I only think of myself in most situations. I want to be my boyfriend’s prize. Therefore, I must be and look my best. If I look slipped then I am regular and I am not comfortable with just being regular. I have to go to the gym. I have to become comfortable with my skin, find my style, and be who I want to be. I do not want to put a time on it but I do want someone nice for Valentine’s Day.

6. I let basic human needs overcome my hard work. To be precise, I slipped. I didn’t remain a mystery to Chris. He somehow made me slip and show him what he is supposed to see months later. We are young but what is binding us to behave the way we do when it comes to sex and feelings? I want no more parts in this. It should never happen again. If the conversation is going into that direction then I will stop it.

7. I formulated what is worse than feelings. I have assisted my loneliness for a measly kiss from someone I will never get. The hard pill to swallow is that I am not the girl Chris will compromise for. It is sort of bothers me but there are boys who will. The thing is: I do not want those boys. So why do I want Chris?

I want Chris because I am immature and I am still a girl. Because of my princess complex, I believe that I can get what I want and how I want it and that isn’t the case. I am not a princess and it is okay to think I am but when it comes to other people, I must realize that I am not. I cannot get Chris the way I want him. I am starting to understand that as I speak.

Okay let’s look at it from his POV:

- here’s a girl that came to me. She is alright yk, she’s a girl. She isn’t what I expect. She says that she doesn’t have sex yet she allows me to touch what girls should hold close. How can I respect her?

What can I do?

- stop speaking to Chris. I do not have to block him or unfollow him. However, I will not be unrealistic. I will text him but it will not be in his favor. I will not always answer his calls if he does. I will not always text him back. I will not look for him. My heart will not pound for him when I notice him.

What woman do I want to become?

I want to be a beautiful mystery with a secret. I allowed Chirs Thomas to touch me. That is my secret. Will it happen again? No. Do I want it to happen again? At this moment, I do, however, in the future I know I will not. Once I start, I will never get my heart crushed again. I will get what I want and how I want it. I will be peaceful and dainty with a flare.

How do I get out of this funk?

- Start doing what I plan. For themoment since I know I cannot, I will induldge into my schoolwork headway. I will sleep, and watch death note. I will not text back Chris Thomas. I did not want his issues or problems. i wanted his heart for my own validation.

Im sorry Delilah, it just will not happen. Naketa needs to stop liking boys. It always sets us back. Go back to fnding boys repulsive. Tobias will give head when head is due. Grace wil supply weed. You will be fine.

i will love you one day.

10/25 5:22 AM.

1 note · View note