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[prismcaster]

Plieades:

Tonight is the night to make my wishes for the next year… so here we go… 7 sisters, here are my wishes.

1) I wish to continue to get to know myself, and fall harder in love with myself, so I can continue to grow, and become a better person.

2) I wish for good health for myself, and my family.

3) I wish for courage to continue to pursue my dreams.

4) I wish for acceptance, for the ability to continue to accept others, despite our differences, and also the ability to accept the things that i can not change.

5) i wish for guidance to help steer me to make the right choices for me.

6) I wish for tolerance, to help keep my anxiety and stress levels low, so that I may keep my thoughts healthy.

7) I wish for abundance. I don’t need a lot, but I wish to not struggle financially this year, and to turn finally start to turn my money problems around.

Merry meet, merry part, merry meet again. Blessed be.

[prismcaster]

I used to always be the “best” at everything for the wrong reasons. It was never to make me happy, although, if I had gotten the attention I wanted, each and every time I went all out on whatever project or task laid before me, i may have ended up happy… but it was always to impress someone else, and I was destined to never impress.

Then i met my husband. He saw that promising creature living deep within my soul, and held on to me for dear life, no matter how hard I tried to flee.

He was truly with me, despite my hatred and disgust for myself, and saw me through the darkest times in my life. He supported me as I worked through every dark crevice of my soul, as i searched within for the true me, so that maybe, somehow, i could finally like who i was, and what i was doing in this world. Then, once i finally found that person, the person that i really am, I have come to love myself, and my husband, my soul mate, more than I could ever have imagined loving a single person.

Ladies and gentlemen, until you experience true love, ya’ll have no idea what it is… but once you’ve felt it, you’ll know. It is like that person carries a piece of you with them, and when they are not there, you don’t feel whole. I will never ever trade this connection for anything, or anyone. It is true what they say, “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?”!

Thank you for sticking with me through all the tough patches our first 10 years or so. I promise to spend the rest of them showing you how much i appreciate your devotion.

You helped me become a better, stronger, and more stable version of the person I had always been.

I used to be like a little girl, playing with matches, hoping to get the worlds attention. Now, i am a fierce woman, twirling balls of fire around me, making my mark wherever I go.

You may have reduced me to ashes… but like a Phoenix, i have been reborn.

[prismcaster]

For some unknown reason, i can not seem to fall asleep. I don’t even feel tired at all, which is insane, because I have been awake for 18 hours now… and i sadly have to be awake again in 6 short hours.

I am guessing that tomorrow’s full moon has something to do with my restless mind… but i really do wish i could turn this crazy brain of mine off from time to time.

I’ve been laying here thinking of art projects; past, present, and future. I’ve been thinking about my mom, and my love/dislike relationship with her. I’ve traveled into various life decision scenarios, and keep circling back to wishing I could just fall asleep already.

Its interesting to me though, to consider the fact that the moon, and its distance from us, coupled with its position in the sky in relation to the sun, just how much it effects things in our world. From major things, like the changing tides, to minute things, like the feeling of restlessness, and due to that, ultimately effecting our moods.

The sad part is, a vast majority of the population is completely unaware that we are personally effected by this naturally occurring phenomenon. Blissfully unaware, as it were.

I think I may talk emily into another superstition type episode for the podcast… and i can maybe research this concept more, not just for myself, but also for anyone who cares to listen.

Anyway… here i am, aimlessly rambling, typing out the concepts and ideas that have been flowing through my brain, as i attempt to relax, shut off my mind, and drift into dream land.

Good night world.

Until another day.

[prismcaster]

The road to recovery is long, and rough. When I first started this journey, I had just found out I was cancer free.

Those words, while great to hear, meant I could relax, and maybe stop worrying so much about whether I would live or die, or whether I’d have to do chemo, or radiation, or whether of not my hair would all fall out.

But, alas, i was wrong.

Yes, that worry did subside, but i would still wonder time and time again if they were sure. No scans were involved, so who knew what was really going on inside of my body.

But it turned out, that those thoughts were the least of my concerns.

You see, as a child, I didn’t exactly have the easiest upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 3, and my mom moved my sister and I to California. From then on, I was a pawn. And i quickly learned how to appease, and hopefully please both sides.

It was hard… they were young, and I don’t know if they truly believed that they were making the best choices or not, but they made those choices all the same.

Those choices led to multiple things happening that truly traumatized me, and left me carrying around pain and agony that took a heavy toll on me for most of my life.

It was after they said “you are cancer free” and i began to relax, that I started to realize just how much damage there was, and I had no idea how to fix it.

I tried… i saw a therapist, I talked about things, and she sympathized with me… and told me how strong i was, and how smart i was, and all sorts of super positive things. But that’s when the real problem became apparent… I didn’t believe her.

I didnt feel worthy of anything good. I had a strained relationship with my mom, no relationship with my father, i had stopped talking to my sisters because I felt so different after cancer, and i imagine they also didn’t know what to say to me anyway. I had my husband, but i kept him at arms length from me because I felt defective, and undeserving of his love. I literally isolated myself, and i didn’t realize I was even doing it at the time.

I spent so much time alone. And time alone, when you feel alone, is a very dangerous thing.

I was so mean to myself. I would even ask people sometimes how they were able to put up with me, leaving room for them to help me tear myself down if they wanted. Usually, they would try and talk me up, but then I would just assume they were saying it to be nice, and doubted every kind thing anyone said. I was a truly honest hot ass mess.

One day, I decided I was going to give myself a bruise. I wanted a big, dark bruise… something painful, something I could poke at and feel, because pain was better than the numbness that I was feeling otherwise.

So, i poked, and poked, and poked some more at various veins, trying desperately to pierce one, and get the bruising I truly desired. When that didnt work, I said “fuck it” and grabbed an exacto knife, and before I knew it, I had a giant gash in my fore arm, and blood running down to my wrist.

At that moment, while watching the blood stream down my arm, I realized I fucked up. I didn’t want to tell anyone, because I was ashamed of myself, and I also didn’t want to admit to the people whom i believed would judge me more for the action I was already punishing myself for, so I cleaned myself up, bandaged it up, and pretended like nothing happened.

But it wasn’t just nothing… it was definitely something. I reopened that wound 5 or 6 times before I finally let it heal all the way. And i dodged questions about where it came from all the time.

Then came the fight.

This fight was probably the worst fight I have ever been apart of, but also the most pivotal fight in my entire life.

As bad as it was, it was over something so simple… laundry.

Then, after i stormed off to sit alone in the dark and cry, my husband came in, sat down, and asked me what was going on. Then i let it all out. Every last detail, from beginning to end.

I cried. He cried. And he promised me he would help me get through it.

So, i went back to my therapist, i figured i had already laid out the ground work for her, i just had to fill her in on the new self harm stuff.

That day, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and from there, my true journey to recovery started, two years after being told I no longer had cancer.

When I got home, i looked up lots of information on PTSD and it made sense. Perfectly. My whole life had been traumatic up to this point, but I had to figure out how to be happy despite that.

I visited a doctor and started anti depressants. When i was given them, i was told I wouldn’t feel much for about two weeks, but honestly, for me, i started to feel the difference in a couple of days.

I told my therapist this, and what i was taking, and she explained to me that my brain must not have been producing seratonin, those wonderful feel good brain chemicals, at all. So, i knew then, i was headed the right way.

Today though, I feel great.

It has been a long and difficult battle, but over the past two years I completely rewrote my life manual, and have worked so hard to change my outlook so that I could get better, and be better.

One thing I can’t say enough, is that self love is really the most important thing. In the words of my idol, Rue Paul, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?!” Its so true though.

With my self care came a better relationship with my mom, a beautiful relationship with my sisters, the best relationship with my husband, and best of all, I have mostly stopped my negative self talk.

Yea, I find myself being mean to myself sometimes still… but I catch it now. And I stop it.

I am proud of who I am, and how much I have managed to overcome, despite the level of difficulty.

I now know I am worthy of all of these great things, the family, the friends, the positive words, all of it. And i try my hardest to spread that positivity around. I never pass up an opportunity to try and help someone else feel joy. I never pass up the opportunity to pass out compliments. I never let a family member or friend leave my presence without letting them know that I love them. And I do this because I don’t know how any of them are thinking or feeling, and I would hate to ever make them guess if anyone cared about them.

Today I love fully, and give of myself what I can safely, so that I can continue to spread the magic of inner peace around to anyone who needs it.

As I have said before, the road to recovery is hard… but while it was difficult, I am so glad I did it. I wouldn’t change anything now. I am perfect the way I am. Take it or leave it… this is me!

[prismcaster]

I just had the most amazing experience!!!

I am going to do a little back story here, because it has been quite a while since my last post...

So, my grandfather, who was the the only person in my entire 35 years of existence that I never felt the need to question if he really loved me. Any way, super long story, shortened because I don’t feel like getting into that right now, he passed away three months ago.

In the time since then, i began to question my choice of kicking spiritualism from my life. You see, since my father, i chose that purposefully, because calling him dad would insinuate that he ever truly gave a fuck about me, or my sister.... but anyway, he used and still probably does, use his religion as an excuse to punish his children for doing him wrong.... which is typical narcissistic behavior.

Which speaking of, i recently read a book called Narcissistic Father, and it literally explained him to me perfectly! It actually made the fact that he has something wrong with him mentally, make me feel so much better about myself somehow.... because well, it turns out, it really is his fault, and none of it is mine. So definitely check out that book!

So since I have all these odd feelings for him because of these things... I cast “religion” out of my life completely. I figured, religion had to be fake, because no religion would keep a parent from their child, so i cast it out 100%. It was so bad, i began to believe that when you die, you just go. I believed that when you go, there is nothing, it just ends, and that your body decomposes, giving it back to the earth you were born from, and that is that.

Then the depression came in. Because there is nothing. Nothing else. And if I couldn’t have my family back, the way i thought it should be, and that at the end of all this pain, there truly is nothing, then what is the point in being in pain forever? And contemplated suicide while laying in the floor in my art studio in complete darkness.

But i thought,” that’s stupid, you didn’t die from cancer and you’re thinking about this right now?! What the fuck, you idiot!” And i got up off the floor, switched the light back on, wiped the tears from my eye’s, and started to draw again. This eventually led to me cutting my arm open, and telling someone months later, and finally getting the help i needed to be able to get better.

Therapy was such a blessing. I truly recommend it. Talking about your problems with someone you are literally paying to listen to you, and paying to keep their opinions to themselves, is a blessing in and of itself. I also strongly suggest journaling. When ever i felt bad, i would write to myself... it helped me explain what i was feeling to myself so that i could finally start to process what was actually happening in my mind so that I could start to slowly solve my own problems.

As i did this, a strange sense of accomplishment came over me suddenly, as i realized that the saying is true, you have to create your own happiness, and also, that you have to love yourself if you ever hope to love anyone else.

So i kept working on myself, and one day, my sister mentioned to me that she had picked up a ouija board at a garage sale. Immediately, for some reason, i said, let’s do it! And we called our other sisters, and planned our first seance. The four of us went all out. We put white candles everywhere , took it very seriously, and experienced the magic of ouija for the first time.

Now, it took a while of hitting dead ends which what we were communicating with, but one day, the mother lode of insane things happened! My cousin came through the board, and after confirming neither of us were moving the planchette, and that this truly was who they said they were, i realized that the end isn’t really the end, but that there really is more, and my life started to change more and more.

I eventually decided that since I didn’t enjoy coloring any more, that I should make a coloring book instead, that way other people can color my art work, and make it their own.

Then, in the midst of this, I decided that I wanted to make my own ouija board, but not call it a ouija board.... so the google searches began.

My sister and I started a podcast, and i used that as an excuse to do an episode on the ouija board, as an excellent excuse to do deep dive research on the boards themselves.

Using this info, I knew I needed to make a spirit board, so I started to work on drawing a design, while also trying to figure out how to make it.

One day I realized “hey, i could make this design up on my ipad and turn the background off, and turn this into a png file, and cut it out with your cricut!”

So i immediately set to work on that, while still trying to figure out how to make them. Finally one day, i discussed this idea with my husband, and he suggested resin on wood. And so it began.

So far, i have made around 30 or maybe more, boards, and yet, i still do not have my own! Maybe some day! Anyway, so that was done and in progress, I left my job that was sucking me dry physically and emotionally, started pushing myself harder, was finally trying to live my life for me, instead of trying to live it the way i thought my father would have wanted me to.

I was truly happy.

And then my grandpa left us.

I collapsed hard. But I had to try to keep it together at the same time because my grandma needed me... my mom needed me.... and my sisters needed me. I fought it as long as i could.... but eventually i broke under the pressure, and re visited my therapist, whom I have decided I am just going to continue to see monthly just in case.

Turns out, I was handling grief the right way.... which I am sure surprised her a little, being as how she had diagnosed me with ptsd a few years prior.

Since his passing, i have not touched a board, or held a pendulum, and not because I am afraid he will talk to me.... but because I am afraid that he won’t. As a 100% Irish Catholic man, I am not sure if he would come through the board or not, although, i do think that he would think it would be funnier than hell to scare us.

I have however found something to believe in. Paganism. No judgements, no frills, just love, paganism, and I will never look back.

After I decided to “come out of the broom closet” so to speak, and openly declare that I am a magical being, things started changing fast...

I finished my coloring book, and most importantly, feel mentally healed. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I will try....

First, after grandpa’s passing, I realized I had learned a few things. For example, that you shouldn’t take those you love for granted, which is when i realized he was the only person who had shown me unconditional love my entire life, no matter what. I also learned from that, the passing of the person who took care of me like a dad, that all I was doing was punishing myself for something someone else did, and that I needed to stop. And you know why?! Religion!

The same damn thing that i tried so hard to keep out.

You see, my grandpa was a wonderful dude. In my entire existence, i never heard him say a negative word about anyone. And most notably, whenever he heard me say anything bad about anyone, he would tell me that I couldn’t change them, but I should say a prayer for them.

It was this phrase, which i had repeated to me over and over again, that now finally made sense after finally realizing the true power of religion. You see, I couldn’t change my father, but, I could change the way he effected me. So, i made a little testament outloud, i moved on.

But then i realized, that if that was the case with that, maybe I needed to be more open to the idea, of religion being legitimate. So i started some research again. But this time, as homework for the tribe I was planning to join. I researched goddesses, because If I was going to pick a deity to start working with, they had to be a strong female.

First up, came Athena. And i truly believe she has been with me, allowing me to get through all of my life’s battles, without me even knowing, for years.

I studied greek mythology in college because I was fascinated by it, and was floored by the parthenon, and the giant statue of Athena that stood inside, and even insisted on visiting the replica while in Tennessee for my sister’s birthday.

Coincidentally, it also turns out that she is the goddess if wisdom, arts, and crafts, so i knew she was the one for me.

Tonight, after my full initiation into the group, i went to the full moon ritual, and was asked some very prying questions by what I will refer to as the “mega crone” and I was forced to question a lot about my choices right then, in front of everyone, and ended up crying while explaining all of that to them , and not really all that well.

But i left there thinking that I needed to let go of the idea of needing to know everything, and just go with the flow.... knowledge is nice, but too much knowledge can have it’s downfalls as well. But also left me wondering how I ended up on this path.

So here i am, telling a long ass background story to get to the damn point!

I was feeling emotional after getting home, and decided to light a candle for my great aunt who is in the hospital, and try to meditate for a while.

Normally, when I try to meditate, I don’t feel anything, and also don’t normally see much, but It’s like I can envision it, even though I can’t actually see it... imagination! Which is something I had cast out of my life a long time ago as well.

So tonight i was ready. Whatever happened was going to happen.... and if grandpa communicated with me while i was meditating I would deal with the emotions and just go on. I turned on my favorite meditation video, and jumped right in... and it fuckin worked! I could feel the ground and see lights, it was so magical! I wish I could explain the trees!

Then, after i processed that I am magical, that I can truly take my own pains away, which set off a mini party if thoughts in my mind, i refocused, and realized that athena had actually been with me my whole life. She got me to grandpa somehow when he was living thousands of miles away, so that I could continue to see and feel what true love is. She was with me through the shit storm that was my youth... and stood with me as i learned to fight for myself, and get up.

It was right now that I realized I am truly magical.... i am loved.... i am perfect the way i am..... i am enough. And if anyone ever should stumble upon this ramble, and stuck with it until now.... know that you are all of those things too! And if you don’t agree, i hope maybe my path will inspire you to get to know yourself, and see what incredible, life changing things could be in store for you.

[prismcaster]

10/23/2019

I have been feeling a lot of garbage lately... and i think i just figured out why...

I may have been fooling myself, but i tried to kill myself. I mean... i didnt intentionally... but i did. I fucking cut myself. I fucking took a razor blade to my arm and started digging for my fucking vein.

I kept saying i was just trying to feel something... but thats probably what every person who commits suicide is doing... trying to feel something. I bet none of them want to die... they just want to feel...

And i could have killed myself.

I could have left this world.

Fortunately i didn’t. I am still here... and i am processing feelings in a way that i never ever had before.

But let me just say... the fact that i just realized that is effecting me very weirdly.

[prismcaster]

4/17/19

Set my life on fire. Drench it in gasoline, and toss a match on it.

Where did I go? I thought I was coming back... But I slipped again. The climb up this hill is fucking muddy and messy. I keep thinking I'm near the top, and the next thing I know, I've slipped and slid back to the bottom, only to find myself stuck again. And I'm getting tired of fighting. Would it be easier to stop? Would it be easier to give up? Would it hurt more?? Or less?? And do I want to even find out the answers to those questions?

Fuck it. Fuck me up. I'm so tired of this. Throw it at me. Give me your worst. I'm done trying to be better. I'm done trying to fight it. I just need to get out. As the girl that never runs, I think it's time to put on those running shoes, Sprint up that hill, grab on to any hope or sanity that I can and get the fuck out. I just can't keep doing this any more. Freedom is eminent, I just need to figure out how to find it.

[prismcaster]

3/23/19

I'm not sure where to start here... So I'll just do it.

I cut myself... And sadly, on purpose.

I don't know why... I don't have any explanation for it at all.

But I did it.

Three days ago I took a hypodermic needle and pierced it under my skin. I pushed it in at an angle just under the skin and ran it in all the way.... Then, I pushed the base of the needle down so that I could see where the needle was under my skin, took my xacto knife, and started cutting the skin so that the opening got a little wider... Then I quit.

Two days ago I stuck the needle back in the swollen sore spot on my arm and started cutting at it with the xacto again.

I wish I could explain to myself why. I don't know if I wanted to feel something besides emotional pain.... But it was something. It happened for a reason.... I just don't know what that reason is.

I want to tell someone... I want to ask for help... But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that I'll tell someone who won't understand and will judge me for doing what I've done.

I can't take it back... But I'm craving doing it again. I'm craving it badly... And that scares the shit out of me.

[prismcaster]

3/9/19

Again my anxiety is eating through me like a ravinous beast. Why is it that the appetite of my anxiety never seems to be fulfilled? Try as I might, I can not slay this beast that is threatening to extinguish the light in me.

I need to figure it out... Once this little flame is snuffed out, what will be left? Just a sad girl with nothing but her ghosts to keep her company. And I don't want that... No one does.

[prismcaster]

2/21/19

They say I am strong... They have said I am brave...

But I don't feel strong. And I've never felt brave.

Today I have been with my current company for 6 years. And for some reason, all I want to do is run. We are headed in a great direction and we have a clear path marked out to get to where we want to be.... But my head is screaming. It's not that I can't do this job. I can slay it over and over again.... But it is killing me. It is literally draining the spirit from my veins. I am pouring my heart and soul into something that means nothing to me. Two years ago I decided I was done with things that didn't matter... And yet here I am, continuing to grow more and more attached and care more and more about a job that will never give back any of the thought or caringness that I have given to it.

So how do I fix it? Do I quit? Do I try and get fired? What do I do? How do I get back to where my soul feels alive. My work/life balance is obsolete. And when I am home all I do is think about what I am going to do next at work.

I need a miracle. I need something miraculous to come along and save me from self destruction.

[prismcaster]

12/06/18

I feel super anxious today... It makes me feel sick. I don't know what the problem is exactly... But it's making me want to quit everything and go curl up in a ball somewhere. I've never been a fan of feeling g this way, and I really wish I had better control over it. My self actualization is pretty damn good... So I generally know how to fix how I'm feeling. But not today.

Today a giant hole is opening up under me and threatening to swallow me alive. Today I may not make it.... But I will survive. I have to.

[prismcaster]

11/9/18

I can feel the monster coming back for me. But I will run fast and run far to avoid it. I can't go back... So I won't go back. I will preservere. I will stay happy. I will rise above my internal pain and exterior stresses... Or at least I wont go down without a damn good fight.

[prismcaster]

10/20/18

This insomnia is killing me slowly. I keep snapping awake three or four hours before my alarm is set and then I can't shut my brain off to be able to fall back to sleep until about 30 minutes before I have to get up... I am exhausted.

[prismcaster]

10/15/18

I feel my soul breaking again. Maybe I am just sick... Because I have not felt well the past few days... But I just am starting to feel empty again.

I need to get my act together and start journaling again. I had been doing so well with that, but I just stopped once I started feeling better.

I haven't drawn in weeks. I have a picture that I could probably finish in a couple of hours taped to my drawing table, and yet, I've just left it sitting there. I haven't touched it in a month or so. Usually my best work comes out of my darkness.... But I can't seem to bring myself to get to work and bring my darkness out into the light.

Maybe I can force myself soon. Just maybe. I had been working on healing and fixing myself, and I was doing such a good job with that until I started this new position at work. It was a position I had been working and striving for for what felt like forever... And now that I have it... I wish I could just take it back. I've stopped trying to fix me, and have started working on everything and everyone else... And my soul is dying again. I NEED to figure out a better balance. I NEED to pull myself out of this. I NEED to get it together before it's too late.

[prismcaster]

8/10/18

What do you do when you talk too much and you break your own heart?

Take a day to yourself. But only a day. Perk up butter cup... It never lasts forever.

[prismcaster]

7/12/18

I swore that this year would be my year...

And here I am, killing it.

[prismcaster]

6/14/18

Anxiety sucks.

Anxiety eats you alive.

I hate anxiety.