private-bryan

[private-bryan]

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up 

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

[private-bryan]

[private-bryan]

Nice!

[private-bryan]

Tango. Uniform. Mike. Bravo. Lima. Romeo.

[private-bryan]

the whole "lipstick on a pig" thing makes no sense because the second we gave a pig access to makeup she became god's cuntiest soldier

[private-bryan]

Why are humans the worst flight risk you can have?

out of all animals, humans are the most difficult to contain for long periods of time and require the most elaborate containments, as evidenced by the thousands and thousands of ridiculously difficult prison and POW camp escapes that various groups of humans have pulled off throughout history.

(NECESSARY DISCLAIMER: keeping large groups of humans imprisoned has often been done for horrendous and unethical purposes, and just should not happen on the scale that it is currently happening at in the world today. we're talking solely about hypothetical alien-run human zoos, here.)

compared to the absolute insane level of carefully-engineered architecture and constant supervision required to keep a group of humans where you put them when they absolutely don't want to be there, a bear exhibit is nothing.

even a chimpanzee enclosure, fucking NOTHING.

animals are stymied by metal fences- humans will jury-rig a pair of wire clippers and chop through that shit in the dead of night while three other humans start a perfectly-timed fight on the opposite side of the facility to distract the guards.

tldr- if aliens ever show up and try to put humans in a zoo long term, we WILL eventually get out. and then boy will those aliens be sorry.

"fuck, there he goes! Zgrybax, get the nets!"

[private-bryan]

STOP! before you decide you are irretrievably doomed, try one of the following options:

transition

bdsm

iron supplements

[private-bryan]

Why are you using chatgpt to get through college. Why are you spending so much time and money on something just to be functionally illiterate and have zero new skills at the end of it all. Literally shooting yourself in the foot. If you want to waste thirty grand you can always just buy a sportscar.

[private-bryan]

guy trying to sell me a spear: Are you absolutely SURE you wouldn't touch that man with a ten foot pole? 🤔

[private-bryan]

Since it's almost Midsummer...

p.s. I also have a book coming out: www.tomgauld.com/comic-books-v2

[private-bryan]

I hate her so much I can't believe this lmao

[private-bryan]

Your boyfriend starts mumbling in Latin in his sleep and it scares the hell out of you but upon translation he’s introducing himself, inquiring on the price of grain, attempting to sell dormice, brainstorming silly Saturnalia gift ideas. In his sleep he somehow becomes a 1st century BC plebeian, of modest means but with a pleasant outlook on mundane life.

[private-bryan]

[private-bryan]

[private-bryan]

[private-bryan]

It's Juneteenth yall. And I'm not letting this day go unmarked.

Black people fight for everybody. We stand in solidarity with women, lgbt people, poor people all over the world of every skin color and background. Every religion and nationality.

Today, stand with us. Be with us. Tell a black person you love them. Hug a black person (with consent). Ask that hot black girl out today. Make a black person smile. Black lives matter to everybody and you matter to us.

Stand with us on Juneteenth like we stand with you all year round, and I hope a happy Pride month continues for all of us

💝

[private-bryan]

Kurt Vonnegut really went off with "So it goes." Truly the most devastating 3 word composition in the english language