probablydeadorsomething

[probablydeadorsomething]

this whole writing thing isn't making me feel any better. my friend said it made her feel better, but it's making me more upset or i feel indifferent. maybe it's because i just think about the same 2 things all day?

[probablydeadorsomething]

it happened.

i can't necessarily say that any of this wasn't expected. i had to do it, considering the circumstances. if i could have just walked away and never seen him again that would be better but i did my favorite thing and forget loose ends. i have to finish some things and then i never get to see him again.

the overwhelming feeling i have at the moment is frustration, after clarity. how could i let this get this far? how could i allow myself to do something that i had always told other people was bullshit? i have a new understanding of how people and their weaknesses fray towards romantic ideals and expectations.

otherwise, i feel an overwhelming sense of relief and a slight ping of airiness, among a small burst of euphoria. i was so worried about needing someone who could never give me anything i actually needed. i feel alive.

it's been 30 minutes and he hasn't responded. i hope he never does. i hope he never touches another person again for a long time. i tried to keep it clean cut, no emotion. there wasn't much emotion to give in the first place, honestly. i was so sucked dry from him. i feel like i just dipped into a fountain or some stupid bullshit like that.

sick. it's done.

[probablydeadorsomething]

this whole writing thing isn't making me feel any better. my friend said it made her feel better, but it's making me more upset or i feel indifferent. maybe it's because i just think about the same 2 things all day?

[probablydeadorsomething]

if you really loved me so much, you'd leave me. but you don't, and you're selfish.

[probablydeadorsomething]

it's never over, or at least it feels like it never will be. i am so tired. i just want you to love me, why do you say that? why do you say you love me when you can't even show me? and it's everyone else's fault, not yours... grown man, brain of a child. ungrowing and stagnant wrinkles in that fluffy head of yours. i love you so much, and i had loved you even more. i keep trying to keep you, why do i have to try? is all of this pain even worth it, anyway? why should i stay? when i call your name, you look the other way... i used to think i understood you, but when i finally did it was too late. i know you'll never change and i know i will have the hardest time letting you go. it's a good thing at least one of us will be okay when that day comes.

who will i go out with? who will understand my jokes? you are so cruel. i fell in love with a man that favors me. his chest engulfs me and his hands are indifferent, but warm. a man that couldn't bear to love me. my pleas were an offense, and my declarations of love, an awkward conversation. i just wanted you to love me how i loved you. am i unlovable? am i not a good enough deal? not worth the risk? i didn't try to change you, i was lied to... but you changed me. and i hate you for it.

[probablydeadorsomething]

im having kind of a hard time and am trying to find an outlet. i don't want to write or journal, it feels like i cant get my thoughts out fast enough, and it would give me time to think and formulate what im writing about instead of just letting it out. so i resort to this...

i dont think ill write much this first time, just long enough for the washer to finish washing. i just need to talk to someone but have no one to talk to. every time i try they dont respond. why does that keep happening? i try and be courteous and listen more than i talk, ask how theyre doing. it seems like no one im interested in talking to is interested in me. i'm going through the end stages of a relationship, or at least what i hope are the end stages, if i'd just let myself leave. hes a self described emotionally crippled man that felt like i was deceived into falling in love with, but here i am. still here. im having a hard time leaving. we've been together a couple years, and it was great for the first year and this second year, well, most things have been up in the air. no real motive to move into a more serious thing, won't marry, won't even move in with me. i thought for a while i was okay with that, but i'm not sure anymore. i see tiktoks of happy, fully integrated couples and it never fails to make me tear up in a seething, envious, and painful empty way. nothing makes me feel so empty so quickly. thanks, levi and william on tiktok.

maybe ill just talk about that, as it's the most heavy topic on my daily mind. i think about it often, multiple times, how the man that is perfect for me is not actually. but somehow still is in so many ways. isn't it fun how fair life is? the sex isn't even that great, anymore. i feel like a husk of the young woman i was before i met him. i worry that after this is over, i'll be a more jaded and bitter version of myself. i'll be like him, not willing to sacrifice for anyone anymore, too burned from my past. i must not let myself be like him. why does he not just end it for me? this is so so hard. i think maybe he'd have to care more than a few ounces worth to do it. i am just a floating sex doll and nag to him. a doormat. why am i so scared of being alone? sometimes i try and imagine that maybe i dont want to see him happy with anyone, but i dont think i care anymore about that. i don't think hes capable of being happy with anyone, truly. not the right way at least.

this topic personally feels like beating a dead horse, if i'm honest. i know he's bad for me and i know i need to leave, blah blah. my kid knows him and i don't know how else i'd get my tinctures made. i don't have any friends in this city and he'll do stuff with me if i drag him. we have a lot of the same interests and hobbies, a lot of the same personality features. sex used to be amazing. does that make it seem a little bit easier to understand why it's hard to leave?

[probablydeadorsomething]

food log

taco bell $7 box thing - 1240 calories according to the app.

not counting the pepsi zero for my own sanity

and that's it!

[probablydeadorsomething]

uh oh

chat i fear we may have lost the plot

[probablydeadorsomething]

don’t mind me just relapsing 🌚

[probablydeadorsomething]

I have eaten like shit for so long that I truly cannot weigh myself 😭

[probablydeadorsomething]

i need weed money

May the 10 of Pentacles bless your account with more money than you can spend. 💵✨

[probablydeadorsomething]

what it dooo babyyy