probablyundiagnosed - Tumblr blog

[probablyundiagnosed]

ay-up. it’s been a minute. i’ve been forcing myself away until i’ve seen endgame and i’ve not had anywhere to talk since. my weight has continued to drop. i’m at 134. closer and closer every day to my goal. my body gets smaller. my hair gets  longer. someday soon i will be pretty. the shorts i bought less than two months ago do not fit anymore. they are too big now. as are most of my clothes. i’ve moved home for the summer. going to a concert friday with an old friend. hippo campus. one of the few reasons i made it through the year. school was rocky. but. i thought it out. and since november of 2016 i have gone from a whopping 176 pounds. to, in november of 2017, a big 158 pounds. to december of 2018. 142 pounds. to now. 134 pounds. i’ve lost 40 pounds without even trying. amazing what your body does. puberty addeth and then puberty subtracteth away. it’s quite late. i’ve got to go to bed. it’s late here. yuh.

[probablyundiagnosed]

im on my period and i feel... upset. not specifically angry, although i am angray because im eating a lot!!! of junk food like easter candy that i knew i should not have brought to college and gaining period weight and i feel frustrated. and sad now because my radio show is over and my cohost is transferring schools to colorado. and fryustrated because i am not ahppy with the way I look. also the lights just flickered. it is raining. hmmm. i wish. i had boyfriend. to give. hugs n snuggles. and feel less bad.

[probablyundiagnosed]

when will the rain stop? bums me out when it gets dark from the rain and the clouds. bums me out when my jeans get wet and stick to me legs. bums me out when i’ve got to wear rain boots. mine are nice and clean and matte black, and i wipe them off it they get too cruddy, i did that a lot this winter since i had no snow boots so i used those since they were $15 at primark, but i don’t wanna wear raincoats and big boots! i wanna wear my vans and spring clothes. sad bby

[probablyundiagnosed]

hippo campus always makes me feel better. i won a pair of tickets to their concert in may and i,m really excited because one of my friends said she could go with me but at the same time i am a bit nervous because i have invited her to two other concerts before this but both times at the last minute she flaked on me, but this time she did promise, and if she flake i’m gonna give up on her, even though i won’t because i’m a sucker and give people too many chances. it’s extra bad if she flakes this time because it’ll be summer but idk when the rest of my frineds get out. i’m sure i’d def be able to find someone else to go with me easily, but it would just sting me to have her drop me again. she dies this very nearly every time we hang out, concert or not. i’ve not seen her since before august though, so maybe she’ll come to reconnect this time. i hope so.

[probablyundiagnosed]

y’all ever just... feel ugly? not in like a bad way or anything, just an i-should-not-have-cut-my-hair-all-the-way-off, just a lil regret because i spent my whole first year of college lookin like a mophead waiting for it to grow out and i can never make first impressions over kind of way. i’m not gonna cut it this short again i don’t think, though it did grow out pretty quick, I was impressed. that and the fact that i dress like a husky middle school boy doesn’t help me get past my lack of romantic options. i look sloppy. This summer i’m really going to go through all my stuff in my room and chuck a LOT of it! i need to majorly pare down on all the junk i have, it’s holding me back from living in a space in my house that makes me happy/

[probablyundiagnosed]

sadness is not helping.

[probablyundiagnosed]

you know, sometimes you really can go from unharnessable energy that leaves you unable to do anything you need to do all the way to mindless emptiness and self dislike  that leaves you unable to do anything. i’m not doing too hot right now. I feel... not sad, but empty. a bit upset, but mostly just void of feeling, I could, at this moment, sit and stare at a wall for at least an hour without moving. i can’t get work done like this. should i tell someone? probably. will I? no, i’ll sit here trying to sift numbly through my playlists for various feelings to find one that sets me off in some emotion, any emotion at all. my anxiety playlist is not helping.

[probablyundiagnosed]

my school therapist is... finally, someone who is listening to my concern that i might be on the autism spectrum, and no it’s not just because my brother is an aspie, i genuinely think that’s what all my stuff could  be stemming from, i’ve spent eons going through possible symptom lists and checklists and quizzes on the internet and gosh, you guys, they all come back positive and so many things are like... yes, that’s me, i do that, you know?, and so i just... want to know what the chance could be it definitely all runs in the family, possibly on both sides, and i just want to know. what if this is it? it’s harder, much less common, to catch in girls.

[probablyundiagnosed]

someone in my dorm is listening to what sounds suspiciously like poooooorn please stooooop thank yooooouuuu

[probablyundiagnosed]

ooh i am doing good todayyyyy i had protein bar for breakfast and water i’ve had so much water today that my pee is practically clear with no yellow like bruh compare that to five days ago where it looked a little like whiskey i feel good too like damn all i’m having for lunch is pretzels because, oh my god, rold gold pretzels, like the tiny pretzel sticks, is 110 cals for 53 of them!!!! so many for so little!!!! i love pretzelsssss

[probablyundiagnosed]

UGH doing laundry at 1130 was an awful idea because it’s 115 AM now and its still in the dryer and i want to go to fuckin bed i didnt get any homework done so i’m mad at myslef abut that and i still havent gotten myfitnesspal like my therapist told me to and i have to email my head of department about classes for next se3memster and i have to email the financial aid office to see if they’re gonna take away my money if i don’t get my gpa back up to a 3.5

[probablyundiagnosed]

i did good today although i do believe i am a bit dehydrated since ive got a headache and my pee is fairly yellow so i’ve been drinking water for abot an hour now, i’m a liter and a half in and i’m gonna take some tylenol. BUT i got a whole plate of food from my dining hall and it was only 130 calories!! and i feel full and good!steamed broccoli and plain mashed potatoes were a godsend,shout out to the cafeteria people for not judging my awful diet lmaoooo which brings us out to 1080 cals today, not too bad! i need to pee, and then drink more water. bikini season don’t scare me!

[probablyundiagnosed]

hi i spent the whole weekend so far not counting and i’m a bit bothered although not too bothered, i did a good job resisting eating extra food and now my therapist is making me get a nutribullet so i have to make protein shakes every day in addition to eating more but last night i bought the cutest bikini eve and if i gain any weight at all it wo’nt look good on me so i might just use the protein shake as meal replacement which of course is the opposite of what she wants me to do but like michele bb with all due respect i need to get skinnier and not gain! she did tell me to use myfitnesspal to get on it in a healthier way so i might do that instead lol because right now i am just writing it down on my phone tumblr has so much good inspiration for getting thin! how cute :)

[probablyundiagnosed]

i have therapy tomorrow and i dont wanna go because thy’re gonna ask me about my eating habits and try to make me see someone at school and get me medicated and feed me and i’ll get fat and ugly even more than iam now and i dont want that i just want to be thin and delicate looking, hard to do when you have an eastern european troll face and you’re five foot nine like just let me do my thing i’m being safe they made me go out and get a big jar of this protein powder stuff and it’s so sodisgusting and even just thinking about it makes me nauseous like no way dude i couldn’t even get down one cup of that crap, it coated the inside of my fucking mouth so i ahd to keep stopping to rinse out with water it was so awful and i wish that on no one i’m not out of control i’m not over my head i can do this and still be totally fine

[probablyundiagnosed]

hahaha so i had a mental breakdown last night and called my mom and then i ended up going home for the day and i have to go back tomorrow for a therapy appointment because i told my mom about my eating issues and she told my therapist and so i was given a jar of protein powder and a shitload of almondmilk and jesus christ garden of life protein powder is DISGUSTING it’s so thick and really grainy and it smeells really wierd and tastes god awful and not chocolate at all! do not recommend but i did use unsweetened almondmilk so tomorrwo i will try it sweetened and see if it makes a difference becuase boy oh boy. that stuff is GROSS

[probablyundiagnosed]

is it bad that i ate 1200 calories today and now i feel like a whale so i set myself for a calorie guideline on my phone with fasts 3 times a week and yeah i’m not doing too hot, but imagine how i’ll look in a month. stunning. lithe and thin and beautiful and willowy, i’ll be a literal model, 5′9 and 125 pounds, elegant and attractive. i’m worried, but not as much as i was last semester. me last semester was very self aware that the unintentional skinnydowning was not good, but this semester i look at thinspo every day, sometimes multiple times a day. i count calories and worry about my stomach and how far it sticks out. i’m worried i might actually be developing an ED rather than what Michele said was just disordered eating. i just need to drink more water! it’s fine.

[probablyundiagnosed]

art school makes me wanna shoot myself