problemsofateenagemess

[problemsofateenagemess]

5"5' [minor] sw: 115 cw: 97 gw: 95 ugw: 88 ♡in recovery, except kind of not♡ ♤not pro sh, not pro ana, not pro anything♤ ♧stay safe loves ♧

my bio from last year. i'm back on tumblr, yay i guess. now i'm 115, 5'7" and have absolutely no clue what to do.

[problemsofateenagemess]

!!! tw ed !!!

is anyone else in my situation? i feel so alone

you're supposed to be in recovery, and you're kinda sticking to meal plans but compromising (800kcals a day at most which makes you feel disgusting) but you do as much exercise and excessive working out to try and burn off every thing you eat. so everyone thinks you're in recovery but mentally, you're not and you're just doing a load of exercise to cover up the fact that you aren't better.

just me? okay.

[problemsofateenagemess]

major tw: sh, suicide

i od'ed today

things got so bad that i tried to kill myself. not that anyone is going to see this but i took a shit load of pills in the park, ready to die. but then i got sick and vomited everything out again. part of me is thinking that i failed

"you can't do anything right, you can't even kill yourself without messing up"

the other part of me feels as if i am being given a second chance. as if i really am meant to be here. but i don't want to be here. that's the problem.

i have had enough.

i cut earlier but it just wasn't as satisfying. i felt so numb to the pain and for the first time ever, cutting made me feel worse rather than better. i didn't feel relieved as if a weight was lifted - only worse because cutt1ng wasn't enough.

i want to die.

but i didn't die. and here i am. i don't know how to feel, maybe i am dead nothing feels real any more. anyway, sorry, enough about me thank you for reading <3

stay safe everyone

[problemsofateenagemess]

you're so sweet thankyou :,) you've made my night.

just ordered a cute new dress even though i'm going to be too self conscious to wear it check:

sidenote: your never to "fat" to wear skirts/dresses/shorts ect if you have chubby thighs that's fine, it's adorable! if you have stretch marks those are so cute too! they're like little tiger stripes 🥺💕

[problemsofateenagemess]

this is the cutest message!! also, s*lf h*rm scars are beautiful too <3

sidenote: apart from my thighs. no, they can burn.

:)

just ordered a cute new dress even though i'm going to be too self conscious to wear it check:

sidenote: your never to "fat" to wear skirts/dresses/shorts ect if you have chubby thighs that's fine, it's adorable! if you have stretch marks those are so cute too! they're like little tiger stripes 🥺💕

[problemsofateenagemess]

Right so, I'm new to this. But you can call me L, I'm a teenager and I hate myself.

I don't really know where to start honestly but I'm not too good. Scrolling through all this tHiNsPo doesn't help me but I know I am not good enough and I am fat and ugly so, this is what we're going to do.

I got called fat. I already hated my body but I was told I was fat by a very close friend. He was my friend back when I had more confidence and, despite feeling a little bit on the "fat" side, I still went out in shorts and tight tops and short skirts. I was comfortable.

I know I've changed. I was the popular girl - I wouldn't necessarily say the pretty popular girl but I sure did have friends. Then, due to poor mental health, I dropped my two best friends and stopped talking to people generally (which of course, made me lose more friends). I was fine with this but I was so worried that I'd put my sadness and anxious thoughts and problems onto others that I stopped contacting them and didn't spend time with them in school or meet with them much that summer. I had made a new bestfriend and had a solid friendship group of one bestfriend (she's still stuck by me) and three boys. Two of them weren't really part of our group and didn't go to my school but they still spoke to us often and they met the other two including my bestfriend through me.

"Fuck off you fat bitch"

I knew I wasn't skinny. Not overweight but definitely not skinny enough to be happy with my body. If I had to chose a point where it all went downhill, it would definitely be around here. That's when I decided I needed to do something. I am not self diagnosing and have never been to a doctor but I had regular panic attacks and thoughts of anxiety (and I still do) and I became too anxious to eat in front of people. Around December, possibly back to scool in January, I stopped eating lunch. I never really ate breakfast - I hadn't for three years but pretended to just so my family weren't on my case. I didn't like eating in front of people and felt extremely worried as if they were judging every mouthful I took and thinking about how fat I was and what I was eating.

"Fat slag"

So I decided to solve that problem by simply stopping eating in front of others at school and in public. Easy, right? I discarded of foods my mum made for packed lunch or bought food and binned it so my parents would know I had eaten if they checked the app that told them what I spend money on in school.

So no lunch, no breakfast. This can't be too bad for me, right?

Wrong. Even though I knew I should eat, I couldn't bring myself to do it and my mum had noticed that I was getting skinnier. I had lost weight and I don't know how much but I'm still not happy with myself. Luckily this national lockdown has saved me from having to go out in summer in shorts and tight tops as I'm not comfortable without my hoodie and jeans. I have cuts on my thighs (my arms are clean as I never wanted my parents to notice) but after getting reported to school, my mum knew about s*lf h*rm and now this sudden weight loss.

I'm scared

Genuinely scared to eat. I don't want to eat or anyone to see me eating when I do eat a little. But when I eat, I feel disgusting. I have a horrible fear of sick and the smell and everything about it so I've never tried vomiting up my food and I don't think I ever will be able to. And it's hard being stuck at home because I have to eat so my family see I'm eating. Which means I need to at least fake eat breakfast and eat some lunch and dinner. Usually I have small dinners and say I'm full from school lunch but that's not an option anymore so I have to eat.

This could be a sort of food diary for myself?

I want to keep track. So for example, today:

Breakfast: nothing (0kcal) I fake ate a pain au chocolat but hid it back where they're kept.

Lunch: soup (300kcal) a small bowl but I'm not sure on the exact amount of calories. I didn't add extra cream or anything because that triggers the fuck out of me and makes me feel so shit about myself when I add unneccassary calories. Soup is usually one of my safe foods as I don't need to eat mouthfuls, only drinking it.

I haven't eaten anything else today but I'm sure I'll need to eat something at dinner hopefully not too much. I can no longer use the excuse of not being hungry or not feeling well because I've been there done that.

Sorry

Thank you for listening to me ramble on, any ideas on what I can do? I want to get better but I also don't want to be fat. My body won't let me eat even if I want to in public and it's kind of getting hard. I haven't told anyone about this and I've dropped from a size 10 women (UK) size to a size 6 (UK) and a few girls in PE could tell but I don't really like discussing my problems with anyone. I feel like a burden. Do I have an eating disorder? Am I just seeking attention? What's wrong with me?