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[projexmono]

My First And Last Letter

is something i keep dear to me. Only a select few has read it.

maybe i'll publish it for the world to see, but i think i may regret that decision. every other blog posted here was written after my letter. it was a way for me to cope with the struggles and strife of life. some of my friends even complimented my "work" and say i should be a writer but i disagree.

after all, how could i write well when my writing is just a mess and a madman's ramblings?

little fact, this 'series' of letters of mine was written well over a year ago. 'Regrets' is the only one written recently. For now maybe, I don't know.

[projexmono]

Thank You.

All my life I've been wondering what life was really about. Some would thrive and make changes to the world never before seen. Some would drown in their perils, forgotten forever in the sands of time. And some would simply live mundanely, going through the motions as if their only purpose was to live and eventually die. I had thought life was like that once.

Although that all changed when I got into secondary school, where I would meet all the important people in my life who would change me forever for better or for worse. Never once in my life did I think that I would go from an introverted outcast who spends all day locked in his room to an extroverted idiot who would love to hang out with his friends. Don't get me wrong, I still treasure my alone time.

I developed my morals pretty early on in life and that was strengthened when I met everyone I did. Regardless if I've loved them or hated them, they all made me a better person every single day. So, from the bottom of my heart, my friends, enemies, and even acquaintances…

Thank you

Signed, LH

-From 'My First And Last Letter'

[projexmono]

Regret.

"One thing about regret is that it's always after an event happens, never before"

These past few weeks have been hitting me hard lately. I've been thinking about the way I live my life, how I act and behave. How I wish I was different back then and did things differently. Unfortunately, I just need to suck it up and move on like everyone else. Which is why I've been going through some changes lately.

Change comes at a price though, I've never had my own body fail me before since years ago when I had a severe asthma attack. And recently, that change I made to myself landed me in a hospital and out of commission for a week straight, the most important week of the term too. Probably why I've been having so many mood swings lately. Missing out on tests and group project works, all my hard work down the fucking drain. If only I hadn't pushed myself to the absolute limit, I could've been one of the best in school, that's my regret. 

What I don't regret is focusing on my studies, my own future that I'll forge with my blood, sweat, and tears. I'm done with going where the wind blows. I'm going to carve my own way out of the hole I've dug myself into. It's about time I learnt from all my mistakes in the past and work my way up. Even if it costs me my health, I do not care. They say the devil works hard but I'm working harder.

Rain or shine, I'm making sure I get my own way. My life is in my hands and I'll damn well do what I need to do. I'll proudly shoulder my mistakes and regrets as trophies.

Signed,  LH

-From 'My First And Last Letter'

[projexmono]

Thoughts And Insomnia

Thoughts and insomnia go hand in hand when dealing with the lack of rest. A peaceful mind is a well slept one, yet how does one sleep with a myriad of thoughts going through one's self?

Never once could I sleep without a pinch of a thought that would eventually snowball into something akin to an existential crisis. I've always thought of the future despite my reluctance towards it. It was always something that will always be there clinging onto me, burdening me with the possibility of despair and depression in my life I had yet to fully live.

June 2022 was the darkest part of my life, almost bringing me to take my own life. A war against my own mind was as hopeless as a bird with its wings clipped. I had almost succumbed to those thoughts… almost. 

I fear for the day when I do.

Signed, LH

-From 'My First and Last Letter'

[projexmono]

A 'Gifted' Child

From a young age I was always known as a gifted child, someone who didn't really need to put in much effort to pass tests and exams. Now that I'm older and more knowledgeable in my studies, I just don't really feel the urge to strive for high grades in school. I've never let myself do it as I just want to enjoy my life as I see fit.

Going with the flow has always been and will be my way of life. I dread the future of my education so much that I've hated putting any thought into it. Though I like to wonder sometimes, if I ever would be successful in life and thrive in the cutthroat careers or drown in despair and hatred for the world, wishing to rewind time just once to fix all of my mistakes and prevent any regrets I had or will have.

I digress though. As I was saying, my family, especially my mother, had put me in high regard in my abilities in studies that pushed me to aim for the stars. Yet I've missed several times and it has taken its toll on me and my mental well-being. Not living up to their expectations drained me of motivation to move on. 

I irk at the times my mother recounts of how much of a genius I am yet so apathetic towards my studies, as she's been saying those same exact words like a broken record.

Regardless, moving forward I'll try from now on. Not for my mother pushing me, but for myself to ensure a brighter future for me. I still dread the effort I need to put in to make it happen either way.

Signed, LH

-From ‘My First And Last Letter’

[projexmono]

Life Is A Chore

Life is a chore. That's what I feel what life eventually boils down into. A chore something all are forced to do, to experience.

Wake up, eat, study, work, hang out with friends, sleep, repeat.

A cycle that ends only in death. A story told for eons and never changes. So what makes life worth living? What makes such a dull existence worth doing over and over and over again?

To me, that would simply be my friends.

My friends make my life worth living. Good and bad alike. They all make me grow as a person, have character development. They let me know, even if they don't say it, that life isn't so bad when you have others to go through it with.

Too many times I have thoughts of taking my own life, to just end it all and be done with all this bullshit. But everytime I just think of all the friends I surround myself with, and I think, 'how would they feel if I was gone?' and I stop myself. I've been on the very edge of rooftops far too many times for it to be healthy, but my friends stop me every time regardless that they were never with me at the time.

Though I digress, life is a chore but my friends remind me that.. sometimes life can be fun too.

So with that, thank you once again, even if this letter seems the same as the previous, I can't thank you guys enough.

Signed, LH 

-From ‘My First And Last Letter'

[projexmono]

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish I could disappear from reality, just watch the world go by like some sort of spectator. I mean, I've always felt that way since the day I gained consciousness. Never really having my own story and even if I did, I'd definitely be the side character. I've never felt like myself. Like an actual living, breathing human being. Basically an amalgamation of bits and pieces of others. Others, who I idolize and yearn to be yet never will.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear from this world, be somewhere else without all the things I worry about. Where I live carefree and run around plains and just have fun. I've never gotten to do that during my childhood. I pray everyday to turn back time and do it differently, yet I wish not. As if I do, will I truly be the same person I was before it?

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel anymore, I don't like being sad, being angry. Being negative. Though I know it, you cannot have good without bad. If I always feel good, it gets boring, no? One must balance out the good with the bad. Such a shame that that is the way of life.

Sometimes I wish the world was just as black and white as others make it out to be. I want to hate a person with all my heart knowing that they are an evil person, cut and dry. However that isn't as simple as it would be. No matter the individual, they always have some good in their heart. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Sometimes I wish…

Sometimes I wish, but my wish never comes true. For I know the world is cruel as can be, yet as beautiful as the universe that surrounds our just as beautiful world. This world is as unforgiving as it is forgiving, as ruthless as it is gentle, as cold as ice and as warm as love itself. Once somebody told me that the universe said "I love you, because you are love itself. The universe is you as you are the universe, watching itself,"

Sometimes I wish, I wish to tell those words one day to the one I love dearly. I wish to love them as much as I love the universe. I wish to hold their hand on my deathbed and tell them not to worry because we will meet once again, reunited by the cosmos. I wish to look at the love of my life as I slowly disappear.

I wish.

I wish..

I wish…

I wish I didn't wish as much as I do.

Signed,  LH

-From 'My First And Last Letter'

[projexmono]

life/death

every day, every hour, every minute, every second.

life is a miracle and it's a blessing to be alive yet everybody takes it for granted. maybe not all, but most

to breath, see, smell, touch, feel. the air i inhale, the nature and city i observe, the warmth of my closest ones, the emotions i go through. such is a gift i was granted to experience, yet i take it for granted

i've experienced so much while being so young and i think to myself, "what else life has to offer for me?" I've experience every emotion and have been in so many situations I believe myself to be wise, but that is hubris.

i ask myself that question everyday yet never once i've believed my life to end at any point, at any second. i could be at the peak of my health yet drop dead at any second. maybe by accident or maybe by my own asinine nature. who knows when death will take me or the ones i cherish?

for now though, i will live till i die, as simple as it sounds. i just hope death takes me gently, like whenever i hug my mother goodbye.