proposetomewithakitkat

[proposetomewithakitkat]

I feel like I’m fucking everything up again. I should run. I’m not supposed to be here. Peace is not an emotion I get to keep.

[proposetomewithakitkat]

A blog with essentially my deadnams as its url liked a post of mine. It looks like a normal blog. It’s just one letter off from my deadname. That can’t be a coincidence… right?

[proposetomewithakitkat]

I remembered that today is your birthday in the middle of talking about how great the people in my life are and how much they all love me. There’s an amazing irony in the fact that I completely forgot until that moment. Half of me wishes you well. Wants you to have a happy birthday and wants you to do nothing but the best with your life. The other half hopes that today was the most inconvenient day you could have. Some part of me wishes that the people around you could see the nasty side of you that you only ever showed me.

Regardless. I’m having a great day. I had therapy and talked to my friends. I’m working on the letter for my crush. I’m doing really okay actually.

I hate that I hope you’re doing okay too.

[proposetomewithakitkat]

The idea that i could have a positive impact on people other than my friends lives is astounding to me

[proposetomewithakitkat]

Random as fuck update, my favorite artist just reached out to me. To thank me for what i said uhm. I will not attempt to befriend them or try and drag this interaction out. They are an artist. I am a fan. Any perceived camaraderie is parasocial. They thanked me for being kind and i sent some pictures that i send to my friends which was weird yeah but. They thanked me so. Maybe i didnt come off as creepy and annoying yknow. Still. It was nice to know that something small that I did had a positive impact on someone I admire. It’s nice to know that I have a positive impact on anyone honestly.

ALSO MY FAVORITE FIC WRITER HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME FOR A WHILE AND BEEN LIKE. ACTUALLY RBING SHIT SO LIKE. IVE BEEN DYING ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE NOW. they HAVE to know right??? My ao3 name is the same as my tumblr. Right? They have to know. If they dont know then thats absolutely wild. I comment on every gamkar related fic. They have to know.

OH MY GOD MY FAVORITE ARTIST HAS FOLLOWED ME OH GOD OH FUCK WERE MUTUALS I SEND THEM ANONS ALL THE TIME OH GOD DO I STOP BEING ON ANON??? they seem to prefer answering anons if its public ill still do anons I think ill just go on like before. they'll probably almost never reblog my shit bc they have a theme and aesthetic and I'm all over the place. i wonder how long this lasts. i mean. its. lasted for some people. there's one blog that I've loved for years and we've been mutuals since 2018. same with a couple of my other mutuals. maybe I'm over thinking it? i still don't see them reblogging anything or liking it and ill be surprised if they continue to follow me back but still!!!! my favorite artists followed me!!!!! ME!!!!! IM SUCH A LOSER WHY WOULD THEY FOLLOW ME OF ALL PEOPLE

[proposetomewithakitkat]

okay so my fav artist def followed to answer my ask and then unfollowed which I expected BUT the cotl artist still follows me and I just realized that I'm mutuals with someone from a discord server and I don't know if they know. why do cool people follow me my bog is a slew of bullshit with no organization

OH MY GOD MY FAVORITE ARTIST HAS FOLLOWED ME OH GOD OH FUCK WERE MUTUALS I SEND THEM ANONS ALL THE TIME OH GOD DO I STOP BEING ON ANON??? they seem to prefer answering anons if its public ill still do anons I think ill just go on like before. they'll probably almost never reblog my shit bc they have a theme and aesthetic and I'm all over the place. i wonder how long this lasts. i mean. its. lasted for some people. there's one blog that I've loved for years and we've been mutuals since 2018. same with a couple of my other mutuals. maybe I'm over thinking it? i still don't see them reblogging anything or liking it and ill be surprised if they continue to follow me back but still!!!! my favorite artists followed me!!!!! ME!!!!! IM SUCH A LOSER WHY WOULD THEY FOLLOW ME OF ALL PEOPLE

[proposetomewithakitkat]

okay wait another artist did???? I can see the follow notif from the cotl artist that followed me but not my fav. I'm like desperately scrolling to see if the mutual tag shows up on the dash

[proposetomewithakitkat]

OH MY GOD MY FAVORITE ARTIST HAS FOLLOWED ME OH GOD OH FUCK WERE MUTUALS I SEND THEM ANONS ALL THE TIME OH GOD DO I STOP BEING ON ANON??? they seem to prefer answering anons if its public ill still do anons I think ill just go on like before. they'll probably almost never reblog my shit bc they have a theme and aesthetic and I'm all over the place. i wonder how long this lasts. i mean. its. lasted for some people. there's one blog that I've loved for years and we've been mutuals since 2018. same with a couple of my other mutuals. maybe I'm over thinking it? i still don't see them reblogging anything or liking it and ill be surprised if they continue to follow me back but still!!!! my favorite artists followed me!!!!! ME!!!!! IM SUCH A LOSER WHY WOULD THEY FOLLOW ME OF ALL PEOPLE

[proposetomewithakitkat]

Ive spent all of this time working to view you with kindness and compassion that way the way you fucked me over didn’t hurt so bad. That way I wouldn’t regret giving you nearly 10 years of my life. That way I wouldn’t hate the way that I still love you, the way I still would leave the door open for you to return if you wanted. It’s worked for the most part. I’ve rounded out the edges of my grief and anger, sanded out the rough parts of my pain. When I think of you I typically hope that you’re doing well, I hope that you stop hating me for your own well being, I hope that you smiled and laughed today.

Yet that doesn’t change the way that I’m traumatized by you. Today, I saw a silly meme on instagram, and it made me quickly spiral. After four years of you keeping me deep in an unreality episode, I finally crawled out. Almost a year after it ended, 9 months after you abandoned me and smeared my name to anyone who would listen, something triggered it. “You forgot your name. You forgot your superpowers. You are forgetting that you are dying.” I could feel it. Could feel the sensations that immediately went away the second I abandoned the beliefs you planted in me. Could feel the unreality creeping in. Im still trying to ground over an hour later.

As much as I want nothing but the best for you

Fuck you. Fuck you for ruining my brain. Fuck you for wasting my time when you knew you wanted to leave. Fuck you for leading me on for months and lying to me. Fuck you for hurting me. Fuck you for lying to my friends.

I don’t wish you harm, but I hope you had a meltdown today. I hope you yelled and screamed and lost your shit like you would on me. I hope your day was at least a little miserable.

I hate that every time I see the same car you own- the car I picked out and named- I have to check to make sure it isn’t you. I hate the wave of panic I feel when I see that shade of orange. I hate the way that I can’t look at my favorite shade of green without wanting to throw up.

No one deserves the way you treated me. You loved me with intensity, and hated me with a passion.

I hope you sleep well, I hope you dream of me in the same way I dream of you. I hope you wake up with the same chest ache that I do. I hope you feel the same panic that I do.

[proposetomewithakitkat]

Im really anxious that my main rp partner has just dipped on me or has gotten really sick. Homies been offline for a concerning amount of time and im just worried. Part of me misses the rp but honestly im worried about them. I wish I had a way to directly contact them, for now I just have to wait and see if/when they log back into the site and let me know whats up or disconnect

[proposetomewithakitkat]

Ive been hanging with a childhood friend and bc of plot reasons i met with her fwb and ended up chilling with him and im pretty sure the only reason i didn’t expect to third wheel in my own house is bc bro is v serious about not locking her down but BRO

Dude was basically HANGING OFF HER the whole time it was wild. It was even horny he’s just straight up in love with her and ig doesn’t realize or doesn’t want to act on it when shes equally as interested in him.

Wild. Cishet men are such a confusing breed

[proposetomewithakitkat]

jimmy neutron really got the biggest head and on top of that he got a feces fade

[proposetomewithakitkat]

to all the minors following me you dont have to reveal everything about yourself on the internet you dont have to make a laundry list of the MI’s and traumas u have endured be on your about its ok to not make this very extremely personal stuff you wouldnt tell to people you first meet irl easily available on your online web page you really dont owe anything to anyone and you can and should indulge in privacy 

[proposetomewithakitkat]

[proposetomewithakitkat]

me if i was on dr who

the doctor: cheerio lad whered ya like to go?? mi box can go to any galaxy litche’rally anytime anywhere, we can go to whole ass other planets!!! and- 

me: oh sick can we go to the year 1987 i wanna fuck keanu reeves 

[proposetomewithakitkat]

if you’re white. being,,,not straight ,,does not give you a “poc card”. i think a lot of you think it does. like being ,,not straight,,does not mean you can seperate yourself from other white people.

[proposetomewithakitkat]