proudtobemesworld-blog

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

The End ?

I'm dead.

No, don't worry, I'm not really dead. I haven't hurt myself in any way, even though I think about it a lot some times.

The old me is dead.

I'm not the same person I once was. A weekend with two of my best friends a few weeks back changed me and started something incredible.

It shook many things loose and brought many bad stuff up to think about.

It also brought many good things to mind and many more will follow.

Over a year ago I started writing this blog. I started to tell you what I feel and how my life went. I don't know how many out there actually read what I said but it felt good to tell.

I will take some time off. I don't know how much, when I will come back or if I ever come back. What I know is that I have to start working on myself and figure myself out.

I have the most amazing people at my side that will help me get through all of it. I won't be alone.

So, maybe we will see each other again. And when that time comes I will tell you everything about myself.

Until then, goodbye. V.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Afraid

Harsh words but true words.

On Sunday I chatted with J and told him about my fears. Well, one of them to be exact. It would take me more than an hour to explain everything I am afraid of and I don’t even know it all.

I told him about my fear of going back to training.

A few months back I went to Rugby training and it was so much fun. I went two times and told everybody that I will start coming regularly. But I didn’t. I was ill and injured for two or three weeks and then I just kept pushing it to next week and next week and the next and so on.

The reason was and still is that I am so damn afraid of failing not just the team and the people I know there but failing me as well.

I want to prove myself, that I can do things I never could have imagined but the fear of failing is so strong that it keeps me from doing things like training.

And it sucks.

I told J about it and explained it a bit. This is what I wanted to do when he was with me last week but I just couldn’t do it. We had so much fun together and I felt down some times and I didn’t want to ruin it further.

As I was telling him about it he listened (well, we chatted on WhatsApp so I think he read and thought about it) and for a time there was no answer. Then, after a while, an answer came and it hit me. Hard.

What he said was harsh and I was angry but only for the first few minutes. Then I realised that he was correct, that everything he said was true and that I just couldn’t admit it to myself. But reading it, reading his words, reading the truth, it hit me and realisation crept in.

And then I started to cry. Not because of his words, well, not exactly. I didn’t cry because his words were harsh and even a bit mean. I cried because it was the truth.

I opened up more, explained more, all the while sitting crying on my bed. I told him that I was afraid because I don’t want to fall again. I know how it feels to fall, he knows it too because last summer was the worst time for me and he was there. I just don’t want to fall like this again.

But then he said this: ‘You won’t fall. You have friends like L and me. And we are here to catch you. It won’t be easy but you have us to help you.’

That was it for me. I started sobbing like there was no tomorrow. But it felt so good. Not only reading the truth or reading his words but realising that he is right and that I have people that are there for me to catch me and keep me from falling down.

That is why today, Tuesday, I will start training again. I’m still afraid and anxious but I know that the only way to go from here is up.

What do I have to lose?

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Sam

At least he can’t run away.

Yesterday, J and I talked about stuffed animals. I don’t know why we chose this topic of conversation and what we really talked about. All I know is that I told him that I made a bear some time ago.

I showed it to him and remembered that it was about twelve years ago that I made this bear in school.

I was so pleased with what I made back then that I couldn’t throw him away when I moved out. This bear is probably the only memory I have left from school, the time before I was bullied all the time.

And I left him sitting in a corner, collecting dust.

After I showed him to J I just couldn’t let him go. I held him close to me, not wantin to put him back in the dusty corner. I just couldn’t.

So I held onto him for the rest of the day and through the night and when I woke up a few hours ago he was still next to me, looking at me with those big brown eyes.

I felt home.

It’s just a bear that I made. A part of me thinks that it’s stupid to still hold it in my arms like a loved one. I will be 25 this year and I slept with a stuffed animal last night.

However, I think there is more behind that.

Some part of me thinks that I keep holding him close to me because it’s the only thing and the only one I can do it with. I have no one else that I can hold on to, keep in my arms and love like I do this bear right now.

It feels so good, too. It feels good to hold him. It feels good to hold anyone.

Even if it’s just a bunch of wool.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

No

I am so afraid.

J is back again, this time for good. He came back yesterday and he’s again staying with me, sleeping in my bed. I’m of course happy that he is here again. Some part of me wishes he would not be.

It’s only a small part that has that kind of wish but it keeps bugging me.

Why would I want him gone when he is the reason I’m still here? Why would a part of me think such things?

I think the reason is fear.

Fear for losing him. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being left alone again. Fear of him? It sounds stupid but I think that at least a small part is afraid of him. Not in a way a hero is afraid of the villain. More like -

I’m afraid of what he might do to me.

I know he would never hurt me. He told me today that “you are important to me” and I believe him when he says that he does not want to hurt me. My fear of being hurt by him is not that I’m afraid that he intentionally will hurt me. I fear that he would be the reason I’m hurt because of what’s inside my head.

It’s difficult to explain. I really like him. He helps me so much and I owe him so much. And that’s what makes things difficult. That and things he says to me. I don’t think that he knows what impact his words have on me and if he knows he hides it well.

In truth, I don’t think I’m afraid of him. I’m afraid of me and my thoughts and feelings and what they might become regarding J. I don’t tell him that, how could I tell him something like this? “Hey, I really like you but please don’t be nice to me or else I will fall in love with you��? No.

Just no.

I don’t want to feel this way for him. I kind of do already but I can’t let this feeling grow stronger.

Why? Because I don’t want to loose him. He is my best friend and if my feelings grow stronger and are not matched by his I will get hurt, badly. I will loose my friendship with him and that is something I just cannot do.

I can’t.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Fast Forward

Why can’t it be easier?

I sometimes wish that there is a button to press to speed up some of the ongoing and timeconsuming processes in life.

Just like in the movies, when there is a flash forward or a kind of timelaps to speed up the plot or show the development of the character or what he does with his life.

That would make some things so much easier for me.

The problem for me is not the process itself or the thing I have to do. I enjoy it and I can learn a lot from it. The problem for me is starting.

I want to do so many things, finish or start so many projects. I have a list with all the projects I want to pursue and it’s getting longer every day. It contains many things that I have started a long or short time ago, many things I wanted to start ages ago and things that are somewhat spontaneous.

The list is getting longer and longer and more and more things come to mind that I always wanted to do or want to finish. I start something, get bored and let is sit, unfinished, just to start something else.

This continues until I run out of ideas or have so many things to do that I get stressed and give up on all of them.

Starting is the hard part. Doing that first step of many and continuing to put one foot in front of the other until you have crossed the finish line. The first step is the hardest. And I am afraid of making it.

Why?

I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of giving up like I have so many times before. I am afraid of disappointing not only myself but the people around me. I am afraid of the success I might have if I cross the finish line. I am afraid of who I will become.

Doing things that keep you moving forward is essential in life, I believe. So why am I so afraid of moving forward if the thing I don’t want is falling behind?

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

My Movie(s)

What is going on?

I feel like I’m in a movie. The plot is moving forward, I have a working sleep schedule, I’m somewhat productive and starting to work on myself. Everything is kind of working out for me and I seem to be going 

In the past few days, maybe even weeks, I had the feeling that my movie is going towards the part in a story were the protagonist has to face a challenge or conflict.

It usually has to do with the fact that people start boding against the protagonist or someone in particular is trying to deceive him or her.

I somehow feel that it is something like this for me right now.

Just a few hours ago we watched a movie, our usual Sunday movie time, and I could have killed S for speeking against me. Again.

She‘s the girl I wrote about recently, the one that stole the first head of board and a tutor position from me. Stealing is not the right word but I think it fits. She knew I wanted both of it, almost had one of it, until she swooped in, told everybody she’s the boss now and I had nothing to say and do against it.

Well, she spoke again today. Last week was the same. We wanted to watch a movie she had seen a few weeks ago so, naturally, she didn’t want to watch that movie. Today we wanted to watch a movie and I said we will decide between two favourites when enough people are there. I didn’t know the first movie but the second we watched on New Years, three weeks ago.

I decided that we watch the one I didn’t know and she (and only her to be exact) ranted about me deciding for all of us (we were three people, me and her included).

The best thing about it is that she has a key and owns the movie so she can watch it every day if she wants to. She was the only one that said a bad word about the movie, before and after we watched it.

We were eight people total. If the others would have said “we want to watch the other movie” it would have been totally fine for me. But only she said anything so we didn’t.

The worst thing about it is that I‘ve been raging for an hour just because she wanted to get what she wanted, expecting everybody to back her up.

They didn’t. So she raged about it. Not really rage like scream but rage like talking behind my back while she was sitting right next to me and talking behind my back to my friends.

I really hate people that do that. People that act like they own the place and get everything they wanted with the snip of a finger. She is used to that all her life and she will go on using that probably for the rest of her life.

She already took two things from me, she won’t take this one. She won’t take my movies.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Plotting

I sometimes feel that I’m being played with.

Maybe I have watched too much Game of Thrones the past week but I somehow constantly feel that people, even some of my friends, are plotting against me. I don’t really know where this feeling is coming from, especially because I have never felt this way before.

Maybe it’s all the anxiety being piled up inside me that builds up to this conclusion, I don’t relly know to be honest.

What I know is that I’m being left out of things my friends are planing. It’s perfectl normal that some of them don’t do every single thing with me or invite me to every party, but I sometimes ask myself if they just forgot or if the deliberately don’t ask me because they don’t want me there.

It’s a kind of stupid thing to think, I think, but it’s just what my head is telling me today. Maybe he wanted to tell me but couldn’t and now that I have made up my mind and build some suspicions, this feeling comes up.

It started yesterday when I talked with L. She asked me if I wanted to apply for the totur position in our dorm for the next semester. I have applied for the position for this semester but another one got it and I said, back then, that I would definitely try again.

It only occured to me today that she might have asked because the one that got the position last time asked her to do it. It’s a stupid thing to think because I trust L, she has become a good friend over the past months. The other girl, S, kind of stole another position from me and I never really got warm with her.

The position she stole was the first head of board in our dorm. Shortly after I moved here I was voted into the board with the plan to make me the first head in half a year. That was overthrown when S became the girlfriend of one of the boardmembers and immediately voted as first head. Since then I have a certain hatred for her because, it seems to me, that she is planning on working against me. There were several occasions that prove that suspicion.

She will go in half a year and her position will be free. I thought that it would be kind of obvious that I would get that but, as it seems, it’s not. She suggested one or two other people they could bring in, completely ignoring what was planned when I became a member.

This is just one thing that let me to believe that my friends aren’t really my friends; they just use me or keep my company because they don’t want to hurt me or whatever. If I would tell anyone about that, they would say that it’s stupid to think that and that this could never happen.

I’m not so sure about it right now.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Fighting A Tree

It’s Pen and Paper time.

I’m part of a group of eight people. We meet up on a regular basis and play together. We play Pathfinder, a rollplaying game like D&D.

It’s so much fun!

They started in September and I joined them in October. It was a national holiday and I had nothing to do and L asked me if I wanted to join her and some others and just watch them play. I had so much fun that J, the game master, asked me if I wanted to play with them.

I said yes.

Now I play a sorcerer with some epic and powerful spells. The best thing about my character, however, is the secret that me and J managed to keep silent from day one.

I’m half vampire.

My character is classified as undead and only J knows about that. I’m surprised that the others haven’t found out yet but it’s kind of fun to keep it all secret.

Besides me there is M who’s playing a ranger that is half werewolf, B who is playing a bard that’s a cat, P who’s playing a half-orc dragon disciple, A who’s playing a dwarf barbarian, T who’s playing a half raven rogue and L who’s playing a human cleric. We are a fun group and we have so much fun when we meet up and play.

Today’s session was all about werewolfs. The story we play right now, at least this part of the story, is all about a fight between the werewolf clans so fighting against those is kind of inevitable.

We had a boss fight and leveled up (I got a fun new spell) and then we went on our way again. It was at the end of today’s session that we came upon a farmhouse with a large tree standing near it.

And we fought the tree.

While traveling we have come across some weird shit but fighting against a tree was something new to us. The funniest thing about this fight was that, after one round or so of dealing fire damage, the tree started to move.

We fought a moving tree.

We lit it up, of course, but it was fun to fight some moving thing you never would have guessed to move at all.

It may be a weird context but that just came to me. Fighting a moving tree, for me, is fighting my depression.

You never would expect a tree to move and attack you. I never imagined my mind to move and attack me. But that’s how it feels, somehow. It feels like my mind is fighting against me, inside my own head, and I’m aware of it.

Just as we were stunned by the movement of the tree, I’m stunned by the movement of my mind. I’m stunned that my mind is capable of something like this.

And that it seems to be winning because I don’t know what I can fight it with.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

In My Head

Sometimes it’s driving me crazy.

I am a very emotinal person and I think much. Too much it would seem. Everything seems to happen inside my head, in my mind, and it is confusing and sometimes crazy to think as much as I do.

Right now, I’m thinking about university, my friends and two in particular.

The first person I think about is J+. Kinda obvious I think. Today I met with two friends of mine and I couldn’t stop talking about him. It figures, kind of, cause he is my best friend but it feel weird sometimes. I always say that I love him but I don’t love him in that way, like I already explained.

I will talk about the other person in a bit.

First, I want to talk about university. I have discovered for myself that the thing I do right now is not the right thing for me. I always thought it was but I kind of torture myself with the studies since the summer and I just cannot go on like this anymore.

The coming summer will be spend preperaring for the other studies I will be changein to, maybe a bit of working and lots and lots of recovering and getting myself back to full strength again.

Without it, without a healthy mind, body and soul I feel like giving up before even starting. And that’s the thing I am most worried about. Failing.

I’m told that being afraid is a sign of my inner self, a sign that I already think, somewhere, that it would never work out and I’m destined to fail this as well. And I couldn’t live with that. And I won’t.

Now for the third thing; the other person. He’s someone I have met in October and felt a connection pretty soon. He is in my barteam and we already cooked together. We hang out a few times when we had a party and we had fun every time.

We hang out on New Years and I can’t get him out of my head since then.

I almost constantly think of him, I have dreamed about him (twice) and I’m daydreaming about what could, maybe, be possible. I wish that something will happe between us because I think that we would work pretty good.

My problem is, again, my head. It says that I’m not cool enough, that I’m not as beautiful as I should be having something with someone that looks like him.

I know that if I keep saying that I’m not enough I set my mind to really not being enough - inevitably accepting it. And that’s something I just cannot do. I have come a long way to being like this and I can’t just say that I’m done growing and just accepting that I’m not enough.

I am enough. I just have to believe it. Somehow.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Falafel

And now he’s gone again.

For the past three days J+ stayed at my place. He visited me for New Years and today, actually about an hour ago, he took a train back to Denmark. He’s coming back in a month, for good this time, but it still feels like he’s leaving me again for half a year.

I went with him to the train station to say goodbye, when the train came we hugged and said our goodbyes. Then I went down the stairs to go home and I could have started to cry then and there.

The past three days with him were the best.

New Years Eve was the big party in our dorm where he got to see some of our friends again and we had a really good time. I’m still missing about two hours of that night but I know for a fact that it was a fun time.

New Years Day was just suffering for me. I had the headache of death as I called it and just stayed in bed. He went out to meet a friend of his and in the evening we watched a movie with some friends. I can’t stop listening to the soundtrack of that movie since then.

Yesterday we went shopping. He needed some things (jeans, shoes, things from the drug store and so on) and it was the best day I’ve had in a while. We met a friend of his and had coffee with him and then we went to a store where I got to watch two men trying on suits - the best thing ever, let me tell you.

And then, when we were hungry, we had falafel. I had some a few years ago and it tasted awful so I never tried it since then. But it was so good!

When we came home yesterday, J+ said that he is so happy with how the day went and I couldn’t agree more.

However, when he went out to have dinner with another friend of his, I felt so brutally hit and down. It wasn’t his fault, I told him so when he said that he feels bad for leaving me, and to be honest I really don’t know why it hit me so hard.

What I know is why I wanted to cry when he left today.

He is one of my closest, if not the closest friend I‘ve got right now. He has helped me so much in the past half year that I know him and we seem to have grown closer together in the time he was away which is kinda weird.

I know that he likes me in a certain way just by what he’s saying sometimes. And he knows that I like him. Heck, I love him if I’m honest.

It’s not the love a man feels for his wife or a mother feels for his child. It’s something else that I can’t really describe.

I think it’s the love someone has for the person that saved their life.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Loneliness

I am so fucking thankful for all of my friends and what they have done for me.

It’s the last day of the year, five minutes after midnight to be exact (not the new year, the 31.), I’m sitting in my bed with a list called ‘100 things I am thankful for in 2018′. I have found thirty things by now and I struggle to fill all of the empty lines.

The first one was the easiest - all of my friends.

This year was shit, especially the summer and ever since but my friends have been there for me every step of the way. There is still a lot to do and I know that I have to face most of that by myself. But I know for a fact that my friends will always be there for me, no matter what.

And they know that I would do the same for them. I would go through fire and death if that’s what it takes to save them. I would do anything for them and they know it.

But they don’t take advantage of that and I think that’s the most remarkable thing.

I was at my parents’ for Christmas (just one day though) and ever since I came back home I was alone in my room, sleeping or bingeing Netflix. I had no human contact whatsoever for almost five days. This morning I went to church for the last service this year and when I came home I was productive.

I felt good. Better than I have felt in days and I used that to do the things I always kept postponing day after day.

And then the most funny thing happened - I got a text from C, asking me what I was doing and if I wanted to hang.

That text and the feeling of someone else beside me, just existing side by side and listening to music, not really doing anything, is what got me out of my hole of loneliness (at least for today).

I don’t know what tomorrow (New Years Eve) will bring but I hope for the best. And I hope for the best for the coming year.

I hope that, in one year, I am still here, sitting in my bed, listening to music and writing what comes to mind.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Holiday Cheer

Christmas is around the corner. In about seventeen days we will give one another presents and the year is almost done.

It’s the first week of December and I haven’t written anything in three months. And I missed it. Dearly.

I miss so many things right now.

I miss the warm hands of a person wrapped up with mine, holding my hands steadily and without hate.

I miss coming home to someone that is waiting for me, looking at me when I step into the room and giving me a bright smile filled with love.

I miss being in someones arms, letting myself be held and pressed against their body, feeling protected and safe.

I miss my best friend who is in Denmark and I miss my other best friend who is moving in with her boyfriend.

I miss looking at someone, feeling that fuzzy, warm feeling creeping up and through my whole body, looking into their eyes and being home.

I hate being alone, especially at that time of year when seemingly everyone has that special someone they can spend their time with and look at and kiss and hug whenever they want.

It’s not like I don’t want them to be happy. I don’t hate them for what they have, that would be stupid and wrong.

I just wish that I have the same.

I wish that I’m not alone anymore.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Count Your Blessings

I don’t know how long it has been but I think it’s close to a month now that I haven’t written anything.

Today is Wednesday and the first week of September. It has been a rough couple of weeks after the exams were finally over. I fell into a hole for a while, got out of it just to fall even deeper into it again.

J+ went away, to Denmark, for half a year whick was hard for me as well. Him helping me getting out of the first hole was important but him going away and me knowing that I won’t be seeing him for quite a while pushed me right back in.

He doesn’t know that him going away had such a big impact on my life. I don’t think that I will tell him, at least not right now. Yes, he is my best friend but there are a few things that I won’t tell even him.

The weekend was heaven for me. I finally got out of the hole and ever since Saturday evening I can smile and sing again. I’m productive and I have fun with my friends without putting on a mask as I used to these past weeks.

It was rough.

I thought that I would never feel better, that I would end up falling and falling and when I finally hit the ground I would never come back up again. The horizon was dark and far away and I was afraid. Very afraid.

I was afraid that there was no coming back.

But I came back. And I can be proud of that.

I never could have done it without my friends. They are there for me as they have ever been and will continue to do and I am so thankfull for that.

Having such friends as I do is a blessing, truly.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

How I’ve Missed You

Finally.

J+’s last exam was today and now he is done as well.

We had planned that, after he is done, we meet in the city and go shopping (it was his idea, not mine). I knew that he would be done at around three and was ready to go at three.

Then I got a message.

He was pissed because the exam didn’t go well and he had tried to call me twice. I was in the bathroom at that moment but messaged him back almost instantly. I told him that, if he needs me or if he needs to talk, I’m there.

And then he was at my door.

I have seen him pissed just once before and I never wanted to see him that way again. It was not that bad today but it was not nice to look at either.

He told me about the exam and I tried to comfort him. I asked if I could do anything but he said no. I know what he means with that, though. He told me before that it’s perfectly enough if he knows I’m there and he can just talk to me, there doesn’t have to be anything else.

And that’s what I like about us. Because I know that he does the same for me.

He didn’t want to go shopping, which is understandable, so we drank instead. And we drank a lot - at least for my standards right now.

I haven’t had a beer for more than a month (during exam time) and today I drank about six. I haven’t eaten much before as well so I was pretty done after a few hours. But it was good nonetheless. I have missed drinking with my friends and today was the first time in a long time I felt connected to my friends again. All in all it was a fun night.

He was doing better as well. I hate seing him like that. I hate if one of my friends doesn’t feel good and I hate it even more if J+ isn’t feeling well.

I’m always there for him. Whatever he needs. He knows that and he does the same for me, just like he did in the past few weeks.

He will be leaving soon (half a year in Denmark) and I begin to feel sad because of it. We have bonded and became really close in the past months and I don’t want to lose him.

I won’t truly lose him, I know that. He will come back.

But I would like it better if he didn’t leave in the first place.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Shopping

It was fun as long as it lasted.

Today began as a good day. My exams are over and I can relax for two months now. I can enjoy life again and that’s what I did with L today.

I was planning on going into the city before lunch but I slept in instead. I really have missed the times I didn’t have to get up as early as ten and I think that I deserve to sleep in a little.

I asked L if she had time to go shopping. She did.

She came over for lunch and we talked a bit about nothing special. After that I tried on some dresses I ordered for a wedding I’m goin to in September.

I was surprised that almost all of them fitted well. Out of the eight dresses I ordered I took two. I really like them and I think that I look good in them.

After that, L and I went into the city.

We were there for about two or three hours. I didn’t need much. I’m on a birthday party on Friday of one of my longest friends and I had to buy the present for her. I wanted to look for swimsuits next so we went and did that.

That was a mistake.

I found only one swimsuit in my size and that didn’t even fit properly. I got discouraged pretty soon and I was a bit depressed on the way home. Because I’m not really satisfied with the way I look and because I didn’t find anything that fit I was down for almost the rest of the day.

I just feel like I don’t really belong in the circle of friends I have. They all look fit and have a beautiful body and features and when I look at myself, in comparison, I look ugly.

My friends tell me that I’m wrong but I don’t really believe them. Or I can’t believe them because I cannot see myself the way they seem to see me.

Not yet, anyway.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Over

Finally.

I would have had an exam on Thursday, in treece days, but I resigned from it.

I wouldn't have made it, I'm sure of it.

I'm so done mentally and even though today was a better day I know that tomorrow or the day after, at the latest, would be bad again and I'm having none of that.

I think that this is the best thing that I could've done.

I'm so worn out and my battery just won't reload. I needed this.

And now it's over.

Now I can relax, sleep, do nothing, write, drink and just have fun again. That's what I crave to do for the longest time and I'm looking forward doing it.

An I have time for my friends now as well.

I have the feeling that, with a few exceptions, I abandoned some of my closest friends and I have such a bad feeling about that.

But now I have time to catch up.

Finally.

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Skip It

I hate myself.

Yesterday was an okay day. I was down in the office I sometimes work at in the dorm and J+ was with me. He has to study as well because he has two more exams next week.

That’s why we have met up in the past two or three weeks almost every day to study together.

It was about nine in the evening when I went home, hung up my previously washed clothes and watched a movie.

The past few nights have been terrible. I haven’t slept much and because of that I am exhausted throughout the day. I hoped that, when I go to bed early, I will catch some sleep and can start fresh today.

That was not the case.

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, for almost three hours, tossing and turning and sweating my ass off. I sometimes drifted off into a bit of sleep but woke up about half an hour later.

I slept into midday. On a Sunday. Again.

And for that I hate myself. I hate that I can’t keep to the schedule I set for myself and that, in the past few weeks, I haven’t been to church. Not every week but, out of six Sundays, I have been to church on two.

I don’t know what I can do about it.

I try to make myself get up in the morning but it’s impossible if I haven’t slept more than three hours. I put on three different alarms but either I snooze them constantly or cancle them immediately.

I just want my normal schedule back. You know, the one before all this mess started.