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How I found that “meaning” within myself through the pain. (not in order) 

1. Surround yourself with people who will lift you 

Very grateful for everyone who was there for me and all my friends. I found most comfort from those who’ve felt my pain. It made me feel less alone and less crazy. I felt validated. 

2. Set goals

I wanted to better myself and did not want to accept the ‘loser’ label. I wanted to achieve a lot of things. Little by little I wrote down my goals- small/big. 

3. I took care of myself

For the longest time I didn’t really care much about “how I looked”. I was thinking that maybe if I started putting myself together on the outside, it would also reflect inside.  

4. Stayed close to church family/ministry

These people felt like my family. Doing ministry together felt very purposeful and fun. God was a part of our conversations. 

5. Activities that gave me peace

I needed an ‘escape’ in that chaos. Some things I enjoy(ed) doing include: writing, music, going for late night drives, therapy in-car sessions with a friend, etc. 

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14. FROM MY DRAFTS*

One year later.

About a year ago, I was at my lowest. It was hard getting up every morning and it was hard to “go on”. Everything was in pain. I never thought I’d be able to go through it. Or I wished for life to skip to the part where I didn’t hurt anymore. I wished for the pain to go away. But honestly, you cannot skip the pain after . You need to embrace it. (Sounds stupid but hear me out). 

What i’m trying to say is, you actually need to FEEL the pain. You cannot just mask it. However I believe there are good and bad distractions though. Idk. In my opinion, it’s okay to distract yourself by keeping yourself busy. I tried looking for another job that time and just went out with friends. That way, my mind was on something else. It was still hard though, ‘cuz the moment I got home- my thoughts were everywhere again. So that’s when I started writing a lot. It’s good to write. Physically writing worked best for me. Letting things out is a really healthy way to cope. What is NOT healthy would be getting into another relationship to fill that “void”. I think that’s unfair. It’s unfair for the other person. You’re basically using them. 

-will probably write a full version of this- 

[psalmonethirtynine]

broken glass

I still think about what caused my trauma. I feel like I still have unresolved issues and I’m having a hard time getting rid of them. I can get through my day alright. But, I still have my triggers. 

I am frustrated because I am currently pouring out negative energy towards the innocent people in my life. I keep hurting the people I love because I cannot control how I react to what triggers me. It’s so unfair. 

I will be honest and I will say that I still have anger. I’m angry because the people I love deserve so much better from me. I wish I was better. Why is it so hard for me to resolve the chaos in my head? 

I feel like a broken glass. I have pieces shattered pieces. When people get too close to me, I feel like I end up hurting them with the broken pieces I have. 

I understand people who still suffer from their trauma after so many years. 

Because I am the same way. 

[psalmonethirtynine]

[psalmonethirtynine]

Rising up.

Trauma is often discussed in the courses I take. I wrote a paper regarding Post-Traumatic growth before and it really stood out to me. 

Many tragic experiences occur in life. However, the concept of trauma can’t be applied in the same way for everyone. Two people can experience the same tragic event, however, their way of perceiving the situation may not be the same. One person can experience trauma (which may lead to PTSD) and one may be totally fine and be super resilient. 

Post Traumatic Growth is basically about experiencing trauma and rising above it. Trauma can come in many forms and it can really change someone’s life. 

You cannot say someone’s experience is not traumatic because you have not walked in their shoes. 

It’s really hard to rise up from trauma. But I believe, with time and with the right help, a person can experience post-traumatic growth. They can grow stronger. 

My trauma made me stronger. It changed me in many ways. I like to believe it’s for the better but I think some parts of me have been corrupted-which I am still working on. 

My goal is to keep pushing through. I won’t give up on myself. 

[psalmonethirtynine]

Poems & Words

[psalmonethirtynine]

What is holding me back.

It still hits me sometimes. Healing is weird.

I wrote this a while back. It's sad.

What is holding me back?

Okay, hear me out. Because some people do not understand. And some may never will.

When he left me, he didn't just leave me physically. He left all of me. He gave up on all of me.

It left me questioning. It left me wondering. It made me think about all the things that are and possibly are wrong with me. It made me look for flaws within me. It made me think about how imperfect I am. My baggages. My weaknesses.

Then it lead to self-degradation. Like, he's right. Who would stay with someone like me anyway? I wouldn't be with someone like me. There's better girls out there. Better ones who can fulfill certain things. Just, better. I'll never be good enough because of the person that I am.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like me.

That's why, I've been teaching myself to be content. That i'll be fine. I'll be fine if no one ever stays. That it's okay if I'll have to course this thing called "life" by myself. I'll be okay.

No one will stay with me forever.

That's why it doesn't even matter if I begin to like someone. It doesnt matter if I develop feelings for anyone. Because deep down, I know they deserve better. Everyone deserves better. I don't wanna sound proud or anything but the people who will ever consider me- ALL deserve better. I can never truly fulfill anyone and for that I apologize and I am so sorry.

I can't even bother to try with anyone because I KNOW how it'll end.

It's hard to accept me.

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@jesusistheway_7

[psalmonethirtynine]

13.

I realized something. There are two things in life: things you can actually change and things you cannot. There are certain things that can be worked out. There are things people can physically, emotionally and spiritually do to achieve whatever it is they're aiming for. Action. That's what it takes. It may not be easy to accomplish, but it can be planned out. It may need some negotiating. It may need you to go outside your comfort zone. For you to do something you've never done before or haven't done in a while. Anyways, the point is, it can be solved. So, don't lose hope. It may take time. Lots of time. And lots of patience too. But remember this, it is not impossible. On the other hand, there are things in life that people actually CANNOT change. Maybe its innate? who knows. It's just sad when life hits you with 'the unfortunate'. Things that leave you with no choice, but to accept. No amount of money, beauty, effort, or even fame can change it. Things that you actually cannot cannot do anything about. It sucks. Because here you are trying to be positive about it since "God knows best" and "God planned my life". But Lord, sometimes I can't help but ask, why? It's hard to be strong. I really like to believe that the things we go through makes us stronger. Especially the painful ones. I also like to believe that if a person goes through something by themselves- makes them EVEN stronger. You know why? Because it shows they can handle themselves. They don't need to depend on anyone. They probably cry within closed doors. But fix themselves the next morning to go on about their day. They carry themselves with confidence even though they're most likely hurting inside. And you can't tell because they laugh and smile ALL THE TIME. They speak of motivational and encouraging words to reach out to others. But most of the time, those words were actually meant for themselves. Quotes speak to their souls. And not everyone understands it. Well, to be honest, it wasn't made for everyone to understand. Pain understands pain. I know it's hard, but please stay strong for me.

[psalmonethirtynine]

12.

Pick your passion. 

I just want to talk about “careers” for a sec. I now understand why people say that it needs to be something you’re passionate about. You can’t just choose to pursue something solely due to money. How far is that going to get you? Sure, you may get them bills but are you happy? 

Can you imagine yourself doing this job for the rest of your life? 

I believe that we all have passions. We all have something that we like to do and are good at it. I think it’s very important to choose a career one is actually interested in and passionate about. I feel sorry for those who are forced to do something just ‘cause it makes money. Or are forced to do something their parents want. I mean, I’m all about respect and obeying parents. However, who’s life are we talking about? Who’s doing the work? 

I hope people truly love the job they do. 

[psalmonethirtynine]

11.

The struggle of keeping too many things to yourself: 

There are things that can be easily talked about with other people. When we talk to others, it can make us feel better. The act of “letting things out” actually has a soothing effect on people (I think, but i’m pretty sure cuz #science). That’s why we vent. We talk to people when we are worried or distressed. Sometimes they don’t even need to say anything. They could just sit there and listen- and it will all be alright. Right? However, what’s different and difficult is if what you had to say can’t be easily shared. What if what you had to say was something dark? What if it was different from what people perceive as a “normal topic”? 

That’s whats scary. It scares me because I know they wouldn’t know how to react. It scares me because what I’m carrying is a weight they do not carry. I feel like at this age, God is really testing me. I would often question, WHY? Out of all people, why me? I know it’s bad to question God since He knows everything. He knows whats best for me. He made me this way and placed me here. Sometimes (aka often), I just can’t help but question. Why is He making me struggle so much? Why did He make me this way? 

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I’m going through. It’s hard because at the end of the day, no one around me would understand. So, I often have no choice but to make my own self feel better. It’s hard, but I make it through the cycle- somehow. 

1. The first part would consist of the thought GETTING IN TO YOUR HEAD. It may have been a repressed memory coming back to the surface, or a first time thought bothering you. 

2. If it was during the day, you’d probably try to push it away so you can go on about your day. You’d probably try to DISTRACT YOURSELF. (You have errands and other responsibilities to do). You’ll tend to focus on that first. 

3. However, at the end of the day, when you’re in bed, alone, it haunts you again. This is the hardest part. You know what helps though? Crying. For real. Theres #science behind that too. It’s a coping mechanism. Just let it out. You have feelings. Your chest probably hurts and it will hurt more if you keep it in. So LET IT OUT. You have to. 

Always look at the bright side, they said. Benefits that come with this :( 

-pain tolerance (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger) 

-develops independence (so you won’t always have to rely on others)

-makes you humble 

-maturity 

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I have no words of wisdom right now. I just wanted to leave this here.