psychamancy

[psychamancy]

GUP...!

[psychamancy]

Though he swears, though he promises... though his words are laced with a fealty that rivals all else, Neku knows that it was near impossible for him not to hurt her. Hurt in itself was the root of them — the very source of the first words they've ever exchanged, and the foundation of what made their bond as deep as it was. Malevolence has never been any further from his heart than it was now, and yet still... Still...

Neku only ever seemed to hurt her.

But that didn't mean he didn't know how to care for her.

When Shiki's embrace comes in a tight twine, Neku's eyes have already closed to accept it. When she pulls away only to bridge their distance in a cold seat she intends to warm, Neku is already crossing that bridge by scooting closer in the wake of her bleeding vulnerability. All this and more, like it was natural — that caring for Shiki Misaki and understanding her was his sworn duty just as it was his greatest desire.

So when Shiki curls into herself, Neku sweeps down with her.

Her tears sever slice after slice within his heart, because though he understood her pain for what it was, it made it no easier to bear witness to the agony she's withheld from the world until this very moment. How many times has she endured this grief alone, while all her friends were roping into bearing an atlas she simply wasn't allowed to bear? Neku wouldn't make her do it, if he had to do it all again, but the stubborn thing about Shiki was that she would want to anyway. Shibuya is equally as stubborn — its music drumming harsh into him like it needed him to understand that Shiki wouldn't want this pain to be another burden for Neku to carry.

But Neku was born stubborn, and he's died stubborn time, and time again.

"—Don't say that."

And it's his turn, now — to act in the span of a single pulse that pulls her into his arms. Neku doesn't think when he does it, and he certainly doesn't think when he squeezes her so tight, that he knows she can feel the way he trembles underneath the weight of her words and hear the strain of his own. What she doesn't see is his wide eyed stare — doesn't feel the way his jaw clenches.

"Don't say that, Shiki."

And in spite of it, it comes gentle — forgiving, even though the wrong has little to do with her character and more to do with the notion that her existence must be tied to his. He's seen it before, because she's suffered it before — first with Eri, then with him (he'll never forget watching her dissipate before his eyes, only to teeter along the fallable bridge of life and death all because he decided to give a damn). Because of that, Neku can never let her do it again.

"I already told you I'm not going anywhere, right...?"

A nestle now, into her shoulder — his face burying into her neck as he sighs with the very same tremble that wracks his frame conjoined with his breath.

"So don't say that. Don't say you need me to live."

Not when she's already fought so, so hard to live for herself.

The pleasant breeze in Miyashita’s air caught her auburn fringe, the otherwise peaceful atmosphere making their exchange seem almost trivial, benign—though things between them could never be simple. 

His touch is feather-light, a sedative in both how it calms and dulls her—reminding her fully that he’s real, he’s here, and just as much, how he could disappear all over again. Unable to resist the very true feeling of his caress, she nuzzles her cheek to his hand, like a puppy waiting for an owner that won’t return. Before she even realized it, phantom tears turn painfully corporeal, rather on account of his word, and the droplets gather in her ducts. Ever her partner, ever her savior, he catches them before they can rain from her cheek to his. 

His oath makes her happy. And it makes her sad.

As he leaned back, her gaze befell his, and he had that look in his eye, a look of determination that not even God himself could best, as previously proven… but Shiki also knew there was a tired, burdened boy hiding behind the guise of a legend (if only on account of the insecure little girl—hidden and frail on the receiving end.) From the bottom of her heart, she knows he’d never lie, but whether he likes it or not, for Neku Sakuraba—the lines between trust and death are paper-thin. He's always, always kept his promises, but that didn't make their conditions any less painful.

For a moment, she held him tighter, ultimately relenting to let him go. 

“I,” she exhaled, her voice not more than a whisper in the gentle air, “I missed you.” The left half of the bench calls for her as she chose now to sit at his side. She wants to lean on him yet, and her fingertips twitch with the urge to reach out and take his hand, comfort him, hold him, be held, be perfect, be together, be with him—but even just the simple notion of their shared touch makes her fear he might disappear into thin air once again. She curls into herself, holding Mr. Mew tight to her chest, her head lowered to avoid his gaze, “I missed you so much,” she huffs, pitiable and pathetic as her tears only fall thicker, “I didn’t know what to do.” 

“I'm... I'm sorry, Neku, but I can't...” Shiki trailed off, sincerity seeping through the tone of her voice, and not in a way that’s cute or charming, but rather destitute, aggressively reliant, broken, because, in the end, she's just become another burden for him to bare, “I can't live in a world that you're not part of."

[psychamancy]

A spectral graze commands the stillness of every ripple in the stream of thoughts that ran through Neku's mind; he remained unflinching, but tenses for that flicker of a second to signify awareness before he melts altogether. Shiki looms like an overcast shadow from where he draped himself on the park bench (tucked away from prying eyes – like a nest amidst the wide, wide jungle that was Shibuya) – elbows digging deep into his knees as he hangs his head. Then her palms are buried into him, and Shibuya's song is a muted murmur far, far away from him. Shiki speaks of hope and perseverance – of a persistence in her faith that she never lost in him. She says she never gave up on him, and it's easy to believe her, because he knows she didn't.

Neku can't help but wish she did.

A shrill note signifies the wail of his soul, and it smothers itself with indescribable guilt and tenderness in equal bouts. Neku feels Shibuya struggle to twine its melody with his own in an attempt to soothe what it thinks shouldn't be there, but he defies it in the form of a furrowed brow and a shaky breath as he wills himself to sink into Shiki's embrace (he shouldn't, really – after all he's done to her... but he tells himself it's for her comfort less so his own).

Shiki envelopes him in a way that feels safe – warm, when it should scathe. And here he is, sitting in silent misery as he lets her – surrendering himself to a promise he doesn't want to keep, but will anyway (for both of them, he knows; it grounds him to deny himself a way to surrender to the harder days).

"...You know I won't."

His voice is steady, in contrast to the waver of her own (in contrast, too, to the tremble of his heart). The breeze is calm – the sunlight gleaming in paint splatters due to the swaying leaves... and Neku presses his fingers against Shiki's arm to gently bridge some distance between them for a breath between a second. Then, he crosses it himself with a tipped back head, and an eye brimming with harmony as he twines their gazes together – lifting the very same hand that signaled his affirmation in her need of him in order to brush away the tears just shy of a cascade down her cheeks.

"You stayed for me, right?" Neku affirms – swift to catch the another tear, "so I'm staying too." The guilt blooms into resolve, and Neku's face settles in a determination to never let her ache for him again. "I promise, Shiki."

“You know,” she whispered softly, hauntingly, leaning forward a touch to speak quietly in his ear. From behind, she put both hands on his shoulders, and the forced smile on her face was nearly visible in the mere tone of her voice, both fond and melancholic in its affect. “I never gave up on you,” Shiki swore, “I always knew you’d come back to us,” to me.

Hypocritically, there were few people in the world she could truly say she believed in as she did him. Shiki was innocent to a fault, trusting even those who shouldn’t be trusted, but Neku had already proven his loyalty, ironically enough, by turning his back on her. Considering all they’d been through, and after all was said and done, be it by the ways in which he cursed her, or his his hands at his throat—she knew he’d never do anything to hurt her like that again. The end truly justified the means, and that’s what made him so special to her.

Her smile doesn't last.

Slowly, her arms shifted, wrapping around his neck in a gentle embrace. She hugged him softly, sweetly, for the first time in three long years, nuzzling her cheek to the top of his head. “Hey,” she said timidly, her tone notably almost somber this time, “promise me… you’ll stay this time,” she pleaded, weak as she was sincere.

“Please, Neku,” she exhaled, voice wavering, “don’t go away again.” | @psychamancy

[psychamancy]

FUCKING, HI?

[psychamancy]

Wh—where…where have you been this whole time, yo?! I looked all over for you!

[psychamancy]

the boy a scraped knee & asking ‘why’ in that way children do & the boy unanswered & the boy limping & the boy blaming god & without god & without direction & without answer

�� Silas Melvin, from “The Boy,” Grit

[psychamancy]

ten things + nekudge (:3! sorry in advance for his hair btw) ( → @psychamancy )

( → color palette meme !! no longer accepting )

momentary rest

[psychamancy]

Sorry this one is later than usual, but here's positivity anon wanting to wish you a very happy weekend! Did you get to do anything fun during the week or is there something this weekend that you're looking forward to? Finally, try to do something nice for yourself! Buy that thing you've had your eye on, treat yourself to takeout, etc etc! Remember that you're always loved and needed and that your presence here brightens up the day of everyone who is on your dash! ♡

THANK U, THANK U!! I HOPE UR WEEKEND HAS BEEN A HAPPY ONE TOO!! I really appreciate these asks you send, they’re super sweet! 

I guess the fun thing I did this week is definitely dishing out as many drinks as I fast as I possibly could yesterday. Normally, I’d feel stressed, but I had a good line of support when it came down to it, so it felt more like challenge (drive-thru bar is INTENSEEEE I knew I was a fast barista BUT DAMN THAT PUT ME TO THE TEST). I’ve been digging the coworkers I’ve been getting to know, so I won’t lie in that I’ll be a little sad once my store is back up for business!

ANNNNND SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH, I BEAT U TO IT!! I did treat myself to something pretty nifty, half-inspired by hazuki cus i LOVE his jacket sm I... got one of my own with the same colors and similar design LMFAO. I plan on having it accompany a sleeveless turtleneck, and my usual jeans, steel-toes, and ofc my beanie. We rockin’ that alternative style babey.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THANK U SO VERY MUCH, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THE SAME EXTENDS TO YOU!! I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels giddy knowing you’re around spreading the love!

[psychamancy]

I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.

Epiphany (via quotefeeling)

[psychamancy]

continued from x: @the-composer​

There’s something of a question on his tongue – seeing Joshua’s face twist in surprise, but it smothers itself when he reminds himself things are... off-kilter. Neku can’t say for certain what it is, exactly, but it started with the Scramble Crossing – a cruel joke of some kind, to be sure, but not cruel enough to leave him in the UG for the third time in his life. Then, as he was piecing himself together, he noticed something... strange, about Shibuya. It sounded similar enough to the tune he knew, but it still held a touch of unfamiliarity (golds – tinged with purples that could mimic a water’s surface). 

Where Joshua felt surprise, Neku felt confusion. They look at each other like strangers, and when Joshua speaks, he regards him as one. If Neku were to guess, he’d say they were.

      “ ... “

Now, Neku feels something heavy in his gut – mingled with apprehension. There’s no doubt he trusts Joshua, that much is certain... but he’s not sure how he feels about the idea of Joshua (not-Joshua, but certainly Joshua in the same vein) feigning ignorance to his appearance. Then, with a touch of recklessness, Neku finds himself unconsciously playing in this charade too.

     “ ...Home, “ he starts – beginning with the honesty of his confusion, “ I don’t... things are all sorts of turned around right now. “ Then, the veil – the lack of acknowledged recognition. “ So... I just want to see my home. “

[psychamancy]

“ This is making me think of a sharp red triangle. and it’s big. “

[psychamancy]

[psychamancy]

Positivity anon back at it again! I hope you have an excellent week! Is there anything you're particularly excited about that's happening this week? Or, is there anything you're looking forward to for Halloween? Lastly, only answer this if you feel comfy doing so! What is something that you'd like to let your mutuals know about you?

HI AGAIN!! I have been having a... strange week, but it’s definitely one of my better ones to say the least! 

The thing I’m most looking forward to would have to be meeting with my coworkers on Sunday (we’ve all been working apart from one another at different stores since ours is undergoing intense maintenance) because we’re gonna try the holiday drinks!! Everyone knows I’m the most excited because CHESTNUT PRALINE IS MY FAVORITEEEEEE 

Halloween is something I’ve never really celebrated bc of my upbringing, so I can’t say there’s anything I’m really looking forward to... BUUUUT if a change of plans does happen, then we shall see :)

AND LASTLY, SOMETHING I’D LIKE MY MUTUALS TO KNOW ABOUT ME ISSSSS I have a cute little corner of merchandise, which includes most of neku’s merch, but his plushie was so late in arriving i started a whole thread on twitter documenting when i’d go to work hoping when i’d come home he’d arrive in my mail, only to come home and he wasn’t for like... three weeks KJFBNSFKLMBKFBGLMK when he did though i recorded me grabbing him and slamming him on my desk. Fucker.

[psychamancy]

ooooookay just a heads up!! i finally went through with that blog clean-up i mentioned in passing once upon a time, so if we have any old interactions (1 month+) that are waiting for a reply that you’re interested in still keeping, please feel free to let me know!! looking at my numbers on this blog was MADDENING i had to sweep up before i went berserk 

[psychamancy]

strawberry-barista​:

Hanekoma pulled the book a little closer to himself and tugged at his chin while he studied the piece. Having Neku put his own art into the world, even just like this, was a good step after everything that had happened. He wanted to be able to cultivate and encourage it as much as possible. And maybe if he was lucky Neku could go on to use his skills to really start making waves in the city. His connection with the world was a lot stronger than many others out there, and his contribution to the music of the city would be the most beautiful thing he’d heard in a very long time.

“It’s lookin’ damn good,” he purred, his eyes rolling over the piece. “Though I will say… I think ya could stand to loose a little negative space on this side. It’ll balance out better that way, an’ while ya got most’a this pretty good, it looks a little heavy on this side. I guess ya could clean up this edge, too. That’d work just fine. But personally I think it’d be better just to fill in this side a little.”

Neku wouldn’t deny that there was a stir in him – the whirlwind of silent anxiety making his idle knee shaking seep into the nerves of his entire leg. Neku grips closely to his cup while staring at Hanekoma with something mimicking a blank expression – betrayed by the anticipation in his eyes. When staring at Hanekoma observing his art gets him too worked up, Neku settles for looking down at where he thumbs at the sketch.

Then, Hanekoma speaks, and Neku is brimming with joy.

It shows in the way he inhales – the way he sits up, eager to listen to every word. It’s a testament of sorts, that though it may have been years, Neku’s admiration for Hanekoma has never wavered in the slightest. “ You think...? “ Hanekoma’s advice, to that end, is held in high regard. Neku’s eyes flicker across the page, and he can see exactly what Hanekoma is talking about (the space that’s just a little too empty – the careful chaos losing its edge because of it). Neku leans over to do something of a double take over it – eyes squinting as he turns the sketchbook over back to his side once Hanekoma was done looking at it. 

      “ Mmm... “ It’s his turn, now – to cup his chin. The only difference is that he’s lifting the lip of his cup to his mouth with his other hand. He takes a small sip, before humming again in affirmation. “ Yeah... I think it’d be better to fill it too. Makes the piece lose its punch just a little bit. “

[psychamancy]

Little by little, I feel a bit better <3

[psychamancy]

❝  someones up early. how's th' day goin' phones? ❞ the café was open (for once) at a decent hour and the local barista had been in the middle of moving décor around the shop as if prepping for a big event. ❝  playin' hooky t'day? ❞

There’s an easy roll of his shoulder – a barely stifled yawn behind his lazy smile that attested to his half-asleep state. A hum, too – tilting his head side to side.

      “ Yeah... guess so, “ he confesses all too easily; sometimes enough was enough, and school could be put on the back burner in the meanwhile. Neku never did like feeling stifled. He all but sprawls against the countertop with a slow stretch – tucking his head into his arms with a huff. " ...Juuust –– pretend I’m not here. “