psychotically-empty - Tumblr blog

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Me in the Psyche Ward doing my arts and crafts to get out early

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It's not wrong to do stuff solely for attention. Being an attention seeker isn't a problem. If someone does something bad for attention, it's because they haven't been given enough.

When someone does something for attention, and you intentionally ignore them, you're just being cruel.

"they just want attention" THEN STOP NEGLECTING THEM!!!

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npd culture is having a bad narc crash and going offline for two weeks and coming back online and. Nobody fucking asked how I was or if I was okay or anything. I mean someone sent me one post from a blog that i have blocked but other than that literally nothing???? Come on. You guys said you liked me.

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Histrionic pd criteria/behviours and examples

The DSM is notoriously vague, and it's mainly because of this that so many people with hpd don't realize/know that they have it. Personally, I think the criteria desperately needs to be revised.

It is because of this that most people, in the course of figuring out if they have hpd, have to base a lot of their research off of other people with hpd, rather than use the dsm. In this post, I want to discuss the hpd criteria/bahviours associated with hpd as well as give examples of how they manifest in my own life/how they could potentially present. However, please keep in mind that I do not meet every listed criterion, and exhibit a mild/moderate presentation of hpd, as well as having npd and bpd! This is also based off of my own subjective experience, these symptoms may present differently in another person.

1. I get uncomfortable when I am not the center of attention.

I find that I do experience this criterion. Feeling uncomfortable/upset when not the center of attention can show up in a lot of ways. I also think that it is important to mention here that hpd can be more covert, and that the idea that it is always obvious is an outdated and borderline ableist idea, rooted in stereotypes.

In my life, this criterion shows up in a myriad of ways. A few examples being: I tend to interrupt people, because I need the focus of the conversation on me. I have a HUGE issue with shifting the conversation to revolve around me and my life. I will exaggerate stories to make them more interesting (eg. Making myself out to have more of a backbone than i do/say more shocking things.), and I dress very noticably. In a less socially acceptable light, I also use a lot of my opinions as ways to get attention/make more friends, when I really don't care about the opinions I put out (these things also mix into the second criterion: 'when interacting with others, I make them pay attention to me', so I will skip to the third criterion).

3. I have rapid mood swings.

When people hear this criterion in regards to hpd, people tend to think these emotions are 'fake', or 'shallow'. While this may be the case and is relatively common, I think it is important to mention that people with hpd can and do experience intense emotions and express them authentically. What differentiates these intense emotions from bpd is the main need that motivates the behaviours. In bpd, it is usually in response to abandonment and other personal triggers, whereas in hpd it is more likely to be in response to lack of attention and other personal triggers. However, anyone (esp. cluster b individuals) can experience a fear of abandonment and react accordingly, as these disorders do overlap, hence why they are cluster disorders.

In my experience, I do both. I experience shallow and intense feelings, and I do tend to play them up, usually in a way that is disguised as a joke/in an environment where that type of behaviour is seen as normal (eg theatre, which is an AMAZING outlet for that type of stuff). I have a lack of empathy, which I really don't try hard to hide, and while I do feel it, it is very shifting and shallow. Music heavily influences my mood as well. Along with rapid mood swings, I feel that my identity instability sorta ties into this. I will take on different aesthetics/personality traits/etc based on how I'm feeling and what will get me the most attention/appreciation/makes me feel most superior (npd trait).

4. I often use my physical appearance to draw attention to myself.

HUGE HUGE HUGE thing with me. I wear bright makeup, weird patterns, unusual outfits, excessive/tacky/bright jewelry, dye my hair, etc to get people to notice me. I will forsake my own comfort for that type of attention. It gets me compliments, stares, helps me stand out (which i take huge pride in), etc. I also dress skimpy sometimes in order to achieve sexual attention, to compensate for my lack of physical confidence.

5. I have a style of speech which is impressionable and lacking in detail.

Personally, I'm not sure if I really exhibit this one. I feel like when it comes to school projects such as essays, I do take a while to get to the point/put a lot of emphasis on wording more than actually getting my point across.

6. I am incredibly hyperbolic or theatrical in how I express myself.

In a lot of instances, the way I naturally move is very spinny and flowy. I walk very fast, heavy and confident in order to be paid attention to and seen as confident.

7. I am easily influenced by others or circumstances

This shows up in a much less obvious way for me. Eg if someone says 'hey that colour really works on you' or 'that piercing would work well with your facial features', I will probably start wearing that colour or go get that piercing. If someone says I seem very extroverted, I will act more extroverted. If someone says that I am smart, I will act smarter/see myself as smarter, which ties into my npd as well.

8. I often misread relationships and consider them to be closer than they actually are.

For this, I am actually not sure. I do get attached fast to people who give me my desired forms of attention/hang out with them more, so I'm not sure if that counts?

So, as you can see, experiences are very subjective in nature and can be vastly different for everyone. The point of this post is to show that the vagueness of the DSM is harmful and that people should definitely make sure that they are fully understanding each criterion.

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How is BPD created from a BPD perspective

In my experience BPD is created through fundamental abandonment trauma, particularly with family. I can give an example to show how this functions.

Let’s imagine Betty lives on a planet far away, where it is customary for family members to always shake hands when they see each other. Betty sees other families doing this all the time. She sees her own family members shaking hands with each other. Yet for some reason, none of the family members will shake Betty’s hand. They simply refuse to and ignore her when she tries. Eventually Betty gives up trying.

When you’re a child, you often don’t have enough context for how healthy families work, to know that there’s anything dysfunctional about yours. In this case, the child is more likely to draw the painful conclusion that they are the problem. It’s not the adults for refusing to shake her hand, she must not be worthy of it. She internalizes this shame as a permanent core sense of self when relating to the world. She enters the world through the filter of “I’m not worthy. There is something inherently wrong with me.”

Later in life Betty falls in love and enters a romantic relationship. She finally has someone who will shake her hand upon greeting like she always wanted. Which possibly contradicts her feeling that she is not worthy.

For this reason her ego will hold on to this romantic partner in a way that idolizes them. They’re not just bringing her love, they’re validating her entire sense of selfhood.

One day her partner is in a bad mood and does not shake her hand upon entering their home. For couples that grew up in healthy homes, this would happen from time to time and be forgivable.

For Betty, she is actually reliving her childhood trauma of being denied a handshake. Her partner is not intending to hurt her, and cannot understand the seemingly disproportionate reaction.

Betty’s body is remembering all of the exact same sensations she went through when her own family would refuse to shake her hand. She is actively experiencing a PTSD flashback. On top of that, the experience is validating her core sense of shame and unworthiness.

Someone she once saw as someone totally different from those who betrayed her, is now acting the same way. To Betty, she feels like she cannot escape this pattern, because deep down, she is not worthy of having her hand shook.

Betty is in so much emotional turmoil during this flashback that she says angry and somewhat hurtful things to her partner. Her thoughts are racing and she feels like a hurt child again. In the moment, she feels that she is doing what she can to reveal this deep seated pain to her partner, which is so painful that it comes out laced with anger and betrayal that is not solely from this moment, but decades deep. She isn’t just speaking to her partner in this moment, she is speaking to her family members who neglected and abandoned her.

Betty tells her partner she doesn’t want to speak to them anymore. Betty does not feel she is worthy of having her needs met, so she has to find another way to get them met. By pushing her partner away, part of her hopes that they will “realize” the truth of her pain and validate it. But her partner doesn’t understand why she is having such a strong reaction.

Eventually the PTSD flashback will fade away and for Betty it will feel like she is coming down off of a bad drug mixed with an angry panic attack. and Betty’s rational mind will start to see the situation as it is. For a BPD person an argument can feel like waking up with a bad hangover and seeing you texted your ex, but worse. It’s waking up to reality and seeing you have said things you know are unreasonable and pushed away the one person who showed you love.

The truth of BPD is that to an outsider, our behavior may seem unreasonable and difficult. But to that person, there are many layers of trauma and context that have led to these specific rejections being profoundly painful, especially when coming from someone you love.

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(questioning) cluster b culture is accidentally telling someone about your homicidal ideation and them saying "it's ok lots of people have intrusive thoughts about that." no. you don't get it. I LIKE thinking about this. It makes me feel BETTER.

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"I only support the narcissists who go to therapy and take accountability for their actions and try not to hurt other people, others deserve no empathy and should be eradicated"

FOOL! SKELETON DEATH BLAST 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

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so i’ve been thinking again, and i wanna make an important reminder for my fellow cluster b folks and trauma survivors.

healing involves evaluating your current behaviors, how they may be harmful to yourself and others, and then replacing those behaviors with more constructive coping skills.

in order to do that, it’s important to approach the healing process without judgment. especially when you have a cluster b disorder or any personality disorder, it can be hard not to judge yourself as a bad person because of your maladaptive behaviors. you may see yourself as selfish, for example, because of possessive or dismissive actions.

but remember that being selfish is a survival instinct—your body and mind wants to look out for itself first, that’s totally normal. even though the results of that desire may be harmful, it’s best to acknowledge and accept that those maladaptive behaviors are a trauma response, and there is no reason to judge yourself for that.

self-love can feel nigh impossible for cluster b’s but it’s so important to our healing to at least try! i love yall and i believe in you!

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I fucking hate when the internet waters down actual serious diagnoses to the point where everyone can somehow relate to it. I hate when the bad symptoms get glossed over for the sake of making cluster B individuals seem nicer and more relatable to the public, at the expense of painting an accurate picture of the disorder. I hate when the response to me talking about my bad symptoms is to deny that I have them and reassure me that I'm a sweet person who would never do that. That I just have the wrong perception of my own behavior. I hate when my friends say they have the same personality disorders as me because they related to some symptoms they saw on fucking tiktok. But then turn around and call me a horrible person for displaying any symptom that isn't self deprecating, quiet, cute, and deserving of sympathy. The whole fucking point of cluster B disorders are that they make life a living hell. It's not fair, it's not nice, it's not sweet, there's no justice to it. There's no "it's okay to have (insert disorder) and get mad at your loved ones as long as you don't act on it ^^" when acting on it is part of the fucking disorder. Can we stop acting like all symptoms can be suppressed, that having personality disorders and being cluster B is just a minor inconvenience and it's still easy to be a functioning nice person. And can we stop acting like being horrible to yourself makes a disorder "better" and more "noble" than being horrible to others. Thanks. (And no one put words in my mouth, I am not saying that it's okay to hurt others by acting on your symptoms, I'm just saying that it's a part of the disorder that needs to be recognized in order to be dealt with. Denying it's there is not doing anything. "I didn't choose to develop this disorder and I didn't choose to act this way" and "acting this way hurts the people I love and I need to be responsible and seek help" are two statements that can and should co-exist. There's nothing fair about being mentally ill.)

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I love pop rocks, can I have some more [x]

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scrolling the npd tag and scoffing at someone’s superiority complex while simultaneously thinking how i’m so much better than them. Girl

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having bpd is actual hell on earth cause no one tries to fucking understand you and they write you off as being difficult and too much and they leave and we’re left with this fucking personality disorder that consumes my entire fucking existence and they act like its THEIR inconvenience that IM ill.

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worst part about getting angry is how much it makes you want to be mean

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who up trying not to slit their wrists at the function

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i don’t usually make posts like this but dni if you think of people with PD’s as abusive /srs

(goes for any personality disorder. narcissistic, borderline, dependent, antisocial, histronic, etc.)

i’m not saying that nobody with a personality disorder is abusive. i’m just saying that just because someone is a narcissist doesn’t mean theyre automatically abusive.

personality disorders literally come from trauma. you can’t say you support or are sympathetic for trauma victims if you don’t support people with personality disorders.

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I don’t know how to communicate

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