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What's the Difference between Couples Counseling and Relationship Coaching?

As a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides relationship coaching and counseling psychotherapy services, I get asked this question a lot.

The normal distinction drawn between coaching and counseling is that counseling tends to focus on resolving issues from one’s past, whereas coaching deals with the here and now in order to create solutions in the present.

Counseling can also be said to examine and resolve specific issues you’re facing today by understanding how those issues are created and affected by your previous experiences, while coaching focuses on helping you overcome current struggles by taking action today.

Another distinction commonly offered between coaching and counseling is that in the counseling relationship the therapist is generally considered the expert, while in a coaching relationship the client and coach are seen as equal partners.

Yet another difference between coaching and therapy lies in the reasons one seeks the help of a professional coach or counselor. Clients generally seek the help of a licensed counselor or therapist when they find themselves struggling with emotional issues, while clients are more likely to look for a professional coach when they are seeking clarity, direction, or accountability.

However, all of these differences are oversimplifications at best. Counseling and coaching aren’t mutually exclusive, many licensed counselors also provide coaching services, and counseling psychotherapy can not only help individuals and couples come to terms with their past experiences, but help them achieve all the positive results coaching helps bring about.

Is a Relationship Coach or a Couples Counselor Right for You?

Partners in troubled relationships have typically sought couples or relationship counseling in order to help them understand their problems and determine whether there is hope for a future together.

Unfortunately, many couples wait far too long before deciding to seek professional help and they are often cynical or disillusioned about any future possibilities their relationship may have. Thus, couples counseling is all too often a last-ditch effort partners feel obligated to make before they call their relationship quits.

Couples in this situation are usually looking for immediate relief from the issues they face in order to determine whether or not they can work together to rebuild their relationship.

Happy couples experience conflict just as often as couples who divorce, but partners in happy marriages have learned how to resolve their conflicts in effective ways. What separates couples who divorce from those who stay happily married is not commitment or even love, it’s skills… communication skills, problem-solving skills, and intimacy skills, to name just a few.

To this end, relationship coaching can be just as effective as relationship counseling in helping a couple not only prevent divorce, but learn the skills necessary to create a more stable and loving foundation for their relationship and life together.

That having been said, while relationship coaches can help couples resolve immediate conflicts and determine whether or not their relationship is worth pursuing, only counselors are trained to analyze and resolve the underlying sources of the issues the partners are experiencing.

Even for couples who successfully learn new ways of relating to each other and are able to effectively re-structure their relationship, it is not uncommon for old behavior patterns to return, often in new and unexpected ways, unless the work is done to address and resolve the underlying issues that led to the relationship’s initial difficulties.

Overall, the emphasis in relationship coaching is on creating positive interactions between partners and creating change as soon as possible, whereas relationship counseling focuses on each partner’s understanding of themselves and their relationship on a deeper level.

If your relationship needs immediate help, you may want to consider locating a relationship coach to work with. If you’re looking to understand and resolve the causes of you and your partner’s difficulties, relationship counseling is likely the better course to follow.

Just remember, relationship coaching and counseling are not mutually exclusive. You may begin working with a relationship coach and decide, once your immediate issues have been resolved, that you’d like to do more in-depth work with a couples counselor. Alternatively, you may begin work with a relationship counselor who provides coaching services, allowing you to continue working with the same professional as your relationship heals, grows, and deepens over time.

Regardless of what professional you decide to work with, if you think your relationship can benefit from professional help the sooner you get the help you need the better the chances you and your partner will be able to resolve the issues you’re experiencing and create a life together that is truly worth celebrating!

About the Author:

Pamela M. Levy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) in San Mateo, California, who specializes in providing individual, couples, marriage, and family counseling to help individual adult women, families, and teens discover long-term solutions that bring families together and provide relief from emotional pain. For more information about Pam’s practice, please visit her website, https://pamelalevymft.com.

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Team Parenting: The Recipe for a Healthy, Thriving Family

Perhaps now more than ever, parents try to equalize the challenges and responsibilities involved with raising children. Unfortunately, if one partner doesn’t take an active role or doesn’t help out in the way the other partner expected them to, hurt feelings and resentment are likely to arise.

Fortunately, many of the trials and tribulations of parenting can be dealt with effectively by communicating openly with your partner and having a shared vision and plan. Putting some effort into building effective parenting teamwork can make things a lot easier on the parents and children alike.

Starting the Conversation

The time to start discussing the job of parenting is well in advance of your child’s birth, preferably before you start trying to conceive.

Obviously, many parenting issues cannot be anticipated, but some can. General styles and strategies can be set out and agreed upon long before your child is born.

Find out what kind of values your partner wants to impart to your children and what kind of mistakes he or she is worried about making. You should also both explain what approach to parenting you plan to take and make sure you have compatible views.

While a family can remain healthy thanks to compromises, you can expect to run into more than your fair share of conflicts if you and your partner have very different ideas about how your children should be raised.

Giving some thought to these big questions early on frees up both parents to tackle the little issues more effectively as they arise.

Sharing Responsibilities

In most modern families, both parents will be working before the children are born. Adding in the responsibilities of caring for a child makes three full-time jobs for two people. Is someone going to devote themselves to full-time parenting? If not, how will you (generally speaking) split up the time without shortchanging your child or spoiling your careers?

Your partner and you should have a serious discussion about how to balance these financial and temporal responsibilities and create a plan to decide which parent will do what each day.

For instance, one parent may play with the child while the other makes dinner. Both can help clean up and still have plenty of family time left over for the evening. Make doctor and other appointments well in advance in order to decide who will accompany the child when both parents are not available. Share nighttime responsibilities, such as one of you giving your child a bath and having the other read bedtime stories. Even rides to school and help with homework should be discussed. There’s no shortage of responsibilities to be shared, so relax and take the time you need to come up with ideas that feel fair to you both.

Life is all about change and none of this will be set in stone. But having a framework in place that allows flexibility will allow you both to adapt to circumstances as they arise with the comfort and confidence of knowing you have a plan and don’t need to simply react out of panic.

Crime and Punishment

Children misbehave. It’s how they learn about what’s deemed acceptable behavior and what’s not.

While teaching your child responsibility and accountability is much more important in encouraging their development into self-confident and well-adapted adults than “punishing” him or her for bad behavior, discipline is a broad topic that’s worth extensive discussion in advance.

Your partner and you should discuss all of your thoughts on this critical subject as well as what sorts of expectations you have for your child’s behavior. It’s also wise to discuss specific techniques that you both feel will be constructive, fair, and effective.

A family can fall apart if one parent thinks spanking is the best form of discipline while the other is totally against it. Additionally, if your partner and you have different disciplinary styles and are unable to come to an agreement, your child will likely be confused as to what sort of consequences to expect from his or her actions, both at home and in the world at large.

Get this important subject out in the open, make a solid plan, and agree to teach your children about accountability and consequences fairly and uniformly.

Beyond Good and Evil

Another important subject your partner and you should be sure to discuss beforehand is moral and spiritual instruction. While this will become a larger concern only as your child gets older, there’s no reason to wait until then to discuss your ideas and intentions.

These days, it’s not at all uncommon for partners to come from vary different religious and spiritual backgrounds. Your child’s exposure to religion – how much, what kind, and how often – as well as what moral character you’d like to install goes far beyond what is acceptable behavior and what’s not. This subject can include how we view and treat other human beings, self-defense, political and social values, as well as what we value most about ourselves and our interpersonal relationships and it is a subject you should discuss often and settle as much as possible well in advance.

It’s especially important for your partner and you to find a solution or set of solutions you both find satisfying, as your child will be able to tell early on if one of his or her parents is disinterested or disengaged in his or her religious or moral upbringing.

Handling Conflict

Once you have children, remember that parenting is a team effort, even if your partner and you should become separated or divorced. As parents, your number one job is to create a safe, structured, and nurturing environment for your children.

While some disagreement over parenting techniques is to be expected, be sure your partner and you avoid conflict in front of your child.

If there are any conflicts with your partner regarding parenting, you should agree on a compromise before you actually implement a parenting strategy or technique, such as setting a new boundary or rule for your children.

Your children need to see your partner and you functioning as a team and presenting a united front as opposed to witnessing parental conflicts and receiving inconsistent parenting, which will only leave them confused and doubtful of there being any safety or consistency in the world around them.

Enjoy Your Family and Each Other

Parenting may be one of the most difficult jobs we ever have, but it can also be one of the most rewarding.

As you plan for your future as parents, try not to see parenting as an unbroken string of responsibilities to shoulder and hurdles to overcome. Remind yourselves that there will be more fun times than difficult ones thanks to the proactive steps you’re taking towards parenting as a team.

And never forget what they say, “families that play together stay together.” It may sound trite, but it’s no less true.

Spending quality time together as a family (sharing meals, going for bike-rides or walks together, planning movie or game nights, etc.) is critical to your family’s health and happiness, as is spending quality time together with your partner so you’re not always assuming the role of a parent.

Parenting is never without its challenges but, like most things in life, it becomes easier when the responsibility is shared. And, if you find your partner and you ever need help, don’t hesitate to seek out a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in providing parent or family counseling.

If your partner and you work together as a team and form a workable parenting plan early on, you will be better able to form loving, lasting relationships with your children and each other, turning your loving partnership into the core of a healthy, happy family and future together.

About the Author:

Kimberly Kerlin, MA, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Lafayette, California, who specializes in providing counseling and psychotherapy services to those with perinatal mood disorders and parents with young children. For more information about Kimberly’s pratice, please visit her website, http://kimberlykerlin.com

[psychworks]

Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment

Anger hurts. It's a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it's because we're really reacting to something in our past – often from childhood.

Codependents have problems with anger. They have a lot of it for good reason, and they don't know how to express it effectively. They're frequently in relationships with people who contribute less than they do, who break promises and commitments, violate their boundaries, or disappointment or betray them. They may feel trapped, burdened with relationships woes, responsibility for children, or with financial troubles. Many don't see a way out yet still love their partner or feel too guilty to leave.

Codependency Causes Anger and Resentment

Codependent symptoms of denial, dependency, lack of boundaries, and dysfunctional communication produce anger. Denial prevents us from accepting reality and recognizing our feelings and needs. Dependency on others spawns attempts to control them to feel better, rather than to initiate effective action. But when other people don't do what we want, we feel angry, victimized, unappreciated or uncared for, and powerless – unable to be agents of change for ourselves. Dependency also leads to fear of a confrontation. We prefer to not "rock the boat" and jeopardize the relationship. With poor boundaries and communication skills, we don't express our needs and feeling, or do so ineffectively. Hence, we're unable to protect ourselves or get what we want and need. In sum, we become angry and resentful, because we:

Expect other people to make us happy, and they don't;

Agree to things we don't want to;

Have undisclosed expectations of other people;

Fear confrontation;

Deny or devalue our needs and thus don't get them met;

Try to control people and things, over which we have no authority;

Ask for things in non-assertive, counterproductive ways (i.e., hinting, blaming, nagging, accusing);

Don't set boundaries to stop abuse or behavior we don't want;

Deny reality, and therefore, trust and rely on people proven to be untrustworthy and unreliable;

Want people to meet our needs who have shown that they won't or can't;

Despite the facts and repeated disappointments, maintain hope and try to change others; and

Stay in relationships although we continue to be disappointed or abused.

Mismanaging Anger

When we can't manage anger, it can overwhelm us. How we react is influenced by our innate temperament and early family environment. Thus, different people react differently. Codependents don't know how to handle their anger. Some explode, criticize, blame, or say hurtful things they later regret. Others hold it in and say nothing in. They please or withdraw to avoid conflict, but stockpile resentments. Yet anger always finds a way. Codependency can lead to being passive-aggressive, where anger comes out indirectly with sarcasm, grumpiness, irritability, silence, or through behavior, such as cold looks, slamming doors, forgetting, withholding, being late, even cheating.

If we're in denial of our anger, we don't allow ourselves to feel it or even mentally acknowledge it. We may not realize we're angry for days, weeks, or years after an event. All of these difficulties with anger are due to poor role models growing up. Learning to manage anger should be taught in childhood, but our parents lacked skills to handle their own anger maturely, and therefore were unable to pass them on. If one or both parents are aggressive or passive, we would copy one or the other parent. If we're taught not to raise our voice, told not to feel angry, or were scolded for expressing it, we learned to suppress it. Some of us fear we'll turn into the aggressive parent we grew up with. Many people believe it's not Christian, nice, or spiritual to be angry and they feel guilty when they are.

The truth is that anger is a normal, healthy reaction when our needs aren't met, our boundaries are violated, or our trust is broken. Anger has to move. It's a powerful energy that requires expression and sometimes action to correct a wrong. It needn't be loud or hurtful. Most codependents are afraid their anger will hurt or even destroy someone they love. Not necessarily so. Correctly handled, it can improve a relationship.

Anger and Depression

Sometimes anger hurts us most of all. Mark Twain wrote, "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

Anger can contribute to ill health and chronic illness. Stressful emotions wear down the body's immune and nervous systems and its ability to repair and replenish itself. Stress-related symptoms include heart disease, high blood pressure, heart attacks and stroke, digestive and sleep disorders, headaches, muscle tension and pain, obesity, ulcers, rheumatoid arthritis, TMJ, and chronic fatigue syndrome.

Unexpressed anger breeds resentment or gets turned against ourselves. It's been said that depression is anger turned inward. Examples are guilt and shame, forms of self-hatred that when excessive, lead to depression.

Expressing Anger Effectively

Managing our anger is essential to success in work and relationships. The first step is acknowledging it and recognizing how it manifests in our body. Identify the physical signs of anger, usually muscular tension, including clenching, and heat. Slow your breath and bring it into your belly to calm you. Take time out to cool-off.

Repeating gripes or arguments in our mind is a sign of resentment or "re-sent" anger. Admitting we're angry, followed by acceptance, prepares us for a constructive response. Anger may signal deeper feelings or hidden pain, unmet needs, or that action is required. Sometimes, resentment is fueled by unresolved guilt. To overcome guilt and self-blame, see Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding Self-Forgiveness.

Understanding our reaction to anger includes discovering our beliefs and attitudes about it and what has influenced their formation. Next, we should examine and identify what triggers our anger. If we frequently over-react and view others' actions as hurtful, it's a sign of shaky self-worth. When we raise our self-esteem and heal internalized shame, we won't over-react, but are able to respond to anger in a productive and assertive manner. To learn assertiveness skills, read the examples in How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits.

In the heat of anger, we may overlook our contribution to the event or that we owe an apology. Acknowledging our part can help us learn and improve our relationships.

Finally, forgiveness doesn't mean we condone or accept bad behavior. It means that we've let go of our anger and resentment. Praying for the other person can help us find forgiveness.

Lastly, working with a counselor is an effective way to learn to manage anger and communicate it effectively.

Copyright Darlene Lancer 2017

[psychworks]

Online Dating: The Right Mindset Can Make All the Difference

Online dating has lost much of its stigma over the past decade, and a majority of Americans now say online dating is a good way to meet people. In fact, according to Pew Research, 15% of U.S. adults report having used online dating sites or mobile dating apps.

Yet, despite online dating's increasing popularity and acceptance, some people have decided to forgo this 21st-century method of finding a romantic partner for a variety of reasons...

The fact is there is a lot of mystery involved with online dating and some people simply are not comfortable with the unknown, especially when the unknown involves the most intimate aspects of their lives.

The good news is that anyone can become comfortable with online dating. All it takes is a little preparation, which involves knowing what to expect and how to handle certain situations.

Specifically, it all comes down to your mindset about the online dating process...

How Does Online Dating Work?

The first online dating website was Match.com, a site that has well over 20 million subscribers today. As the site's popularity grew, a number of competitors stepped up to the plate. Today there are over 10,000 online dating sites and apps spanning the globe.

With so many dating sites and apps, and so many potential partners to choose from, it's no wonder that some people need help wading through this sea of uncertainty.

To start with, not all of these sites and apps are created equal. Each is unique in some way. Some focus on certain populations, particular sets of interests or values, certain social, economic, or demographics, and so on. But, they also all have a few specific things in common.

When you find the app, site, or sites that seem to be the best fit for your personality and needs, you'll be required to provide some information about yourself in order to start being matched up with others.

Some of the information you'll be expected to provide includes:

Basic information about yourself, such as your name, email address, gender, and location.  

Your physical attributes, such as hair and eye color, body build, height, tattoos, etc.  

Personal information, such as previous marital status, whether or not you have any children or want them, religious and political beliefs, and occupation.  

Interests, what you enjoy doing during your time off, what sports you're interested in, what kind of music you listen to, your favorite movies, books, and so on.  

A photo of yourself so that potential matches have a face to go with all that information.  

Information about the type of person you're seeking, what beliefs are important in regards to a partner, what you expect out of a relationship, and any other values and traits you feel are important for possible matches to have.  

And, of course, some apps and sites may require a payment to complete your profile and make sure it's "live" and visible to others.

Once your profile is complete, you can browse through the profiles of other members that might be a match for you. You'll be free to reach out and connect with any of these members and they'll be free to reach out to you. You can chat online or via email with potential matches until you and they are comfortable enough to actually meet in person. At which, point, online dating comes into the offline world with a "real" first date.

This is the basic process for most dating sites, although some variation is to be expected with so many different sites out there.

But this is just the basic logistics of online dating.

The most important step in online dating should actually come first, and that's creating the mindset necessary to be successful at online dating...

Improving Your Chances of Online Dating Success

Online dating success, like success in most fields of endeavor, is often something that comes from inside yourself, before you even get started.

If you feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed about giving online dating a try, you're probably not going to be too successful at it.

On the other hand, if you view online dating as a new experience that can be fun and exciting, then even if you don't find your perfect match you'll still get something out of the experience.

That being said, there are a few specific steps you can take that can help you navigate the online dating jungle...

1. Don't Be Overly Aggressive  – There is nothing wrong with sending messages to multiple members of a dating site, just be sure not to contact the same people multiple times if they don't respond to your initial contact. Male or female, it's a little bit creepy when someone can't take "No" for an answer, whether that "no" is communicated out loud, online, or by silence.

2. Don't Focus on Profiles  – Profiles are meant to give you basic information about other members of a dating site, they are not meant to tell the entire story. Having conversations with people and meeting them in person, when the time is right, are the only true ways to discover who someone really is.

3. Try Not to Take Rejection Personally  – If you're rejected by another member of a dating site, bear in mind that all the clichés hold true. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and it takes two to tango. Beside, unless you've already met this person in person, you're likely being rejected by someone who's never even met the real you. Rejection is a part of life. Accept it and acknowledge that the most important thing about rejection is how you handle it and find a way to bounce back. And, remember, rejection is often the Universe's way of helping you keep the door open for something or someone even better.

4. Be Willing to Forgive Yourself  – You're going to make mistakes. It's part of being human and it's definitely part of the dating process. You're going to get rejected. It's inevitable. It's easy to be angry with yourself, to blame yourself and want to just dwell on all the ways you did things wrong... but it doesn't do you any good. You have to be ready and willing to discard that which is not useful. And hanging on to all of your previous rejections and failures is the literal opposite of useful. Being comfortable with dating and yourself doesn't mean all of your experiences are great, it just means you know how to roll with the punches and how to handle things when they go south.

5. Look at Online Dating as a Numbers Game  – There are thousands, even tens of thousands, of members on any given dating app or site. That's almost an inexhaustible list of potential matches. The sheer number of options puts the odds in your favor, but there is no telling how long it might take to find your right match. So, relax. Take it easy. And be patient and persistent in your endeavors.

6. Make the Investment  – A lot of people seem to think that, because it's online, you don't need to spend the time and energy on online dating as you might offline. However, almost nothing could be further from the truth. If you put up a lazy, generic, boring profile and mediocre pictures, you're going to get lazy, generic emails from people with mediocre profiles. In order to attract great people online, you need to create a great profile. Online dating takes time, resilience, and persistence, so be prepared to put into online dating what you expect or hope to get out of it.

7. Don't Become Obsessed with Finding the "Perfect Match " – I know, I know... Your sister's doctor's lawyer's painter's massage therapist went online and the first person who emailed her ended up becoming her husband. We've all heard the magical stories of people who get online and find their life partner within weeks. For the vast majority of online daters, however, it doesn't work that way. Have fun with online dating. You can meet great people and have great times with them without them becoming the partner of your dreams. In fact, I know more than a few people who've become lifelong friends with people they met on online dating websites. They were anything but perfectly matches romantically. But, despite what you may think going into it, romantic relationships aren't the only benefit to online dating! The more you leave yourself open to the mystery and enjoy people for who they are, the more likely you'll get a lot of online dating and stick with it long enough to even find "the one."

Yes, online dating can be a little scary... But, whenever we try anything new, there's always a little uncertainty and fear involved. That's part of what it makes it exciting and fun.

And, don't forget, if you ever have problems with the anonymity of online dating, handling rejection, or just creating a plan to make sure you're finding and attracting the best possible matches, even just a couple of sessions with a relationship counselor or marriage and family therapist who specializes in these types of issues can help you overcome your uncertainties and fears and create a plan that helps you attract the right match.

In baseball, Babe Ruth was known as the "Home-Run King." However, most people don't realize that he struck-out more than any other player of his era. How does this relate to online dating? Well, you may have to strike out many times before you actually hit a homerun and meet your ideal mate. What's important is that you don't give up.

And, if you like this post, please visit http://www.counselingtoyou.com/articles.html for more helpful info!