pucktm

[pucktm]

i bet that's not true. you're a freaking rockstar, dude. that's gotta count for something. i think you're memorable, and i've got a shit memory. ah, see, there's my shit memory at work - i don't remember. too bad, so sad, guess you missed the boat, huh? 😔 ...you think anyone would buy them?

if you're coming to me for life advice, you might be better off just checking yourself into the nut house, dude.

earn it? i thought i just had to walk to the end of the rainbow. ...oh my god. that's a gay sex thing, isn't it? this whole time, it's been code for gay sex. my mind is blown, holy shit. nah, i'm not there yet. i've got some meetings and shit this week, but i'll be flying in next weekend. i'm pretty excited, honestly. i love spaghetti. what, like a groupie baby? don't do that to some poor kid.

...you were serious about that?

there’s nothing wrong with reality tv. i’m just not dramatic or interesting enough to be on one of those shows. i’d be one of those lads whose name people forget because they never do anything cool. you were? damn. maybe i should have watched it then. what’s it called again? you should trademark it. put it on t-shirts and merch.

your little brain is old and tired? i will come to you when i need sage advice that only grandpas can give.

you don’t just get my pot o’ gold, puck. you have to earn it. marshmallows, now that i can do. are you here in paris? i’ll bring you some in the morning. maybe i should have a child just to get upgraded to dilf status. i only have musician going on for me and it’s not as sexy.

… okay, i’m definitely watching this show now.

it was a joke, puck. have i not made it obvious that you’re the pilf (puckerman i'd like to fuck)?

[pucktm]

yeah? same here. ...well, mostly slow. slower. yeah, dudes too. that's more recent, didn't pick up on that until a couple years ago. but i guess i've always been a little late to learning stuff. hey, you know, good point. two people can look hot at the same time.

i'm not gonna lie things used to be pretty wild, but i take it slow now. oh dudes too? shit man, fucking go for it. ignore all that bullshit, who cares what those articles think, all that matters is that we look hot

[pucktm]

he's definitely playing the long game, that's for sure. what he's after, idk, but it seems to be working out for him.

backup could be nice, thanks. unnecessary, but appreciated. well, yeah, maybe, but college sounds a hell of a lot harder than being shirtless, getting drunk, and making out with people on tv.

i don't know man, if that's true then he's very good at pulling the wool over our eyes. yeah that sounds about right, it is quite out there. but not impossible so just keep on your toes yeah?

i can kick his ass too if needed, but if he's gonna treat her right then we'll be okay. i mean, you made something out of yourself too. ain't never watched your thing myself, but a lot of people have. hold your head up high man

[pucktm]

what's wrong with reality tv? it's one of america's favorite pastimes, like baseball and apple pie. plus, i would have thought you'd be into it - i was shirtless basically all the time on my show. i have a lot of love to give, baby. ain't nothing wrong with that. yeah? i'll take that. even if idk how to pronounce it.

no, but it still affected my brain. even if my body is still young and sexy, my brain feels a lot older, i think. at least sometimes.

see, i didn't think so, but the way you were saying it had me wondering. nah, i'd be asking you to help me find your pot of gold, actually. or at least some of those little colorful marshmallows. ...fair point. that's why they invented the word dilf, right?

who said i'm straight? you really didn't watch my show, huh?

nah, it's cool. i don't talk about him much, you didn't know.

hey man, jake's a total catch. i'm not bothered, i think you'd be very lucky to wind up with a guy like him.

you will never see me on reality tv unless i get asked to be on the masked singer. or maybe a judge on the voice ireland. two is overkill, puck. what do you need two lovers for? i only want one boyfriend, thank you. i guess that’d make you the gfoat– greatest fuckboy of all time.

you didn’t have the kid, her ma did. you just planted the seed. i can’t imagine that’s too taxing on the body.

really? you’re a literal motherfucker, dude. i guess that makes me feel a little less bad about sleeping with a friend’s dad. none of those things are new to me though. it’s supposed to be something i don’t know about you.

… smurfs aren’t real. have you been spending time with brittany? next thing i know you’re asking me to grant you wishes. i think you’re sexy but you’re still a good dad. both of these things can be true.

you’re so painfully straight sometimes. aladdin was so much sexier than aladdin, puck.

sorry about that. and it was a joke. there’s only one puckerman i’d sleep with.

jake.

[pucktm]

get a big-wig lawyer, got it. ...how do i know if they're wearing a wig or not? or are the big-wigs only for the pop girlies?

good. you could always borrow one of your lawyer's wigs, if you wanted to switch up your look, you know?

every pop girlie needs a team behind them if they want to make it anywhere in this industry, sweetie. and it was actually pretty simple, once i blew up, doors opened for me. i made the cash to be able to hand it to big-wig lawyers and say "take care of this for me."

yeah i have no idea. i love what god gave me, i wouldn't change a hair on my pretty head.

[pucktm]

it does. i think your voice would still be on the radio even if you weren't hot - they just would have attached someone else to it. but obviously someone saw you as a full package kinda deal, and clearly they were right about that, since you've been blowing up lately.

and, honestly? i think it's super deserved. your sound isn't the kind of thing i normally listen to, but even i found myself bobbing my head when one of your songs came on the radio the other day. not just in solidarity because i think you're a cool person, but because it totally slaps. but you don't need me to tell you that.

i mean, i like to think it had a little something to do with my talent? but i guess you're right, the industry is pretty shallow and if i didn't have a cute face, they probably wouldn't have signed me or marketed me the way that they do.

[pucktm]

i think he's doing it to spite us. i have a theory that the irish thing is totally fake, and he's just been from, like, boston this whole time. ...i had eaten a pretty good amount of special gummies when i came up with that one, though, so don't take my word on it.

she's got a boyfriend anyway. this little scrawny guy whose ass i could easily kick if i needed to, but he's smart enough to treat her the way she deserves - you know, totally un-puckerman-y, so we're good. yeah, she's a genius. if any of us are gonna make something out of ourselves, it's definitely her.

he has. which is crazy, i really thought we'd bring the true american out in him.

oh shit okay. i was gonna flirt with next time i saw her but yeah i'm not gonna do that anymore. hey she's doing you and your mom proud man, another legendary puckerman

[pucktm]

i'm sure you're probably more of an expert than i am. i always feel like i've got new stuff to learn about chicks. ...even new stuff to learn about dudes, as it turns out. matching could be fun, even if i know that who wore it best article is gonna hurt my feelings.

god i love me some hands on learning. its been a while, i don't know what else i need to learn. thank you, thank you, i'll take the compliment. i don't know, you probably look good in one too. next party or event we get invited to we should try it out. maybe we could match

okay good. i was very close.

[pucktm]

okay, well... have you tried reality television? look how it worked out for me. i wound up with two lovers, so i'd say it was pretty successful. let the producers do the work for you, ya know? ...can't i be both?

maybe. i think having a kid aged me.

you know how many of my friends' moms i've hooked up with? because i don't, i lost track. that's how many. idk, having a kid with my best friend's girl is pretty up there. plus, i went to juvie.

...like smurf toys, or actual smurfs? because i didn't think those were real. you think? you're not just saying that cuz you think i'm sexy?

you know he's a drawing, right? ...actually, i can't talk. princess jasmine did something to me, too. still does, a little bit, i can't lie.

i have no idea what my dad is, besides an asshole. we don't talk.

did i say bone? it’s not hard finding someone to have a quick shag with but i think i’m ready for something more serious. and i wouldn’t date a groupie because, i don’t know, i’d want them to see me as an equal and not idolize me. who’s calling you the goat? i thought you were the fuckboy.

way to make me feel old. we’re not that close to our forties so you still get two decades to misbehave.

it’s naughty as hell, dude! i still feel ashamed to this day but it was hot. but tell me a naughty thing you’ve done then, bigshot. show me up.

 you’re not wrong. if i had money to spend freely as a child i probably would have had a smurf army. are you kidding me? you’re the coolest dad. there’s no way the wee girl is embarrassed.

i was more of a pokémon lad. but i did have a massive crush on gohan. i remember he took his shirt off in this one episode, it was my sexual awakening.

that won’t be an issue because parents love me. maybe i should just date dads. is your dad single?

[pucktm]

i don't think you have to make a deal with the devil for that, man. there are plenty of guys that'll wanna bone you just because you're in a band, you know? don't you think that's fitting, though? since i'm the goat?

yeah, maybe. but i think it might be a good thing, that i got a lot of it out of my system while i was young. reckless behavior ain't so cute when you're like forty, no matter what other puckermans might try to tell you. i'll try my best to survive, ig. for you.

...that's it?

i send her presents, but not money. i made a savings account for her instead, for when she's older, you know? otherwise she'd probably just blow the whole thing on like, a bazillion barbies or a ferret farm. her parents are pretty well off anyway, so she's good for now, i think. yeah, i guess. i just hope i'm making her proud. or at least not totally embarrassing her.

really? that'd be dope. the bros take japan, i can see it now. i always thought goku was super badass when i was a kid, so ig it'd be cool to see the guy's hometown.

nah, that's kind of outdated at this point, i'm pretty sure. even my ma wasn't too bothered about the ink i've got, and she's pretty strict about this stuff usually.

i guess. some people do. but it's not totally up to me, it's my ma you've gotta win over, and i don't know how she'd feel about that.

maybe i should make a deal with the wee fella. what should i ask for? maybe a boyfriend that won’t use me for my money. depends how big the horns are. you’d look like a goat if they’re too big.

i think your only mistake was starting to live wildly too soon. people wouldn’t have bat an eye if you got someone pregnant post-high school. don’t die on me until we’re older. i don’t want to have to deal with all that.

okay, i slept with a friend’s dad once. and said friend still doesn’t know about it.

i assume you send her money and that’s not nothing. at least she knows you care. some parents are with their children every day and they don’t care as much as you do. i’m sure you are loved loads, puck.

i’ve been to so many that i’m starting to lose count. let me know when you go to japan, i’ll try to put it in my schedule. i’d love to go back and i could show you the best spots. canada was fine… just felt like a washed down version of the united states. 

it’s not that you’re secretive about it, it’s just not on my mind often. aren’t you not supposed to get tattoos if you want to be buried in a jewish cemetery? how will we ever get matching ink now? 

but you guys don’t have the caroling or the tree or santa! i love santa! can i do both?

[pucktm]

i think he's only gotten more irish over the years, tbh.

she just turned twenty. she's gonna be a junior this year, which is just wild to me. i mean, who ever thought a puckerman would go to college?

yeah i've known the guy since i was 16 but i'm still trying to get used to it

... how old is your sister again puckerman?

[pucktm]

most of it's been hands-on learning if you know what i mean, but... yeah, i guess i've picked up on some stuff along the way. you know what? i can totally picture that, and it's hot. i bet you'd rock a suit a hell of a lot better than i do, and i already look pretty damn good in one.

alright, alright, i'm breathing. no need to break out the noah.

that's right! he's learning! nah its' not an insult because you are masc. i mean i'm definitely femme, but sometimes i might slip into a more masc style for like a music video or photoshoot or something

jeez puckerman breathe. don't make me first name you, i know neither of us want to be a part of that today

[pucktm]

nah, just did a vibe check. ...that sounds dope. i bet i'd look badass with some horns.

well, maybe, but i've been known to live pretty recklessly. not so much anymore, but i still go a little too wild sometimes. even a dude as swole as me could get into an accident, life's crazy like that, man. naughty, duh. why would i want a sad one? you tryna bum me out?

it's not that hard, when all i've gotta do is send her letters and cards a few times a year. ...then again, i guess that was too much of a challenge for my old man to manage, so... maybe i am. i'm a better one than him, at least. got it. wasn't planning on going over there anytime soon, but i guess i could use more culture or whatever. the only other country i've ever been to is canada, and i don't think that even counts. 👀

really? it's not like i'm secretive about it. i guess i don't really practice it or whatever too much anymore, though. mostly just around holidays. eh, i think if they were gonna kick me, they would have done it by now. i think i'm good on that front, but thanks for looking out. hanukkah kicks ass, dude. why settle for just one day of celebrating when you can get eight? try a latke and then get back to me.

did you email the devil? i bet it looks like you but with two little horns and a tail. we can blame him for all your bad decisions. you’re in better shape than me. i don’t think you have to worry about kicking the bucket before me. but, alright, i’ll give you a wee tease. do you want to hear a naughty secret or a sad secret?

you’re a great dad, puck. she’ll be fine, murderous otters or not. do not take weed with you if you ever visit japan. but i definitely recommend going, it’s one of my favorite places.

and i’m not even joking.

i forget you’re jewish sometimes. don't let them find out you made a deal with the devil. they'd have to kick you out from the jews. i’d miss christmas too much, i think i’ll have to stay catholic, future hubby.

[pucktm]

oh, that's a rory word? no wonder i didn't get it, i don't really speak irish.

uncle puck. i can dig that. don't think i'll be becoming an actual one anytime soon, anyway. pretty sure i've drilled the safe sex talk into my sister's head enough times by now.

it means he likes you. sorry his way with words is rubbing off on me

please don't ever say that to me again. you'd be uncle i guess, and maybe, just maybe, i can live with that

[pucktm]

ahh, okay, got it. it's like, the opposite of masc, right? someone told me i'm that once. thought it was an insult or something at first and almost kicked their ass before they explained. ...which maybe kind of further proves their point, i think. is that what you are? femme?

i don't think it'll hurt your wallet too much. i'm a pretty cheap date. ...not that is like a date date, don't worry, i won't put the moves on you or anything. i'm not interested in embarrassing myself.

it means feminine women, but you're learning and i respect that

well i said i was paying first time so it better be worth it

[pucktm]

femmes, got it. once i look that up, i'll totally narrow down my list of bachelorettes.

i don't wanna overhype it, but.. yeah, it might really be that good.

i'm not to fussy honestly. i like femmes, redheads are cool though. and you can't go wrong with a blonde.

dude you're on. if this place is that good i might have to make your house my vacation home.

[pucktm]

yeah, keen. totally. whatever that means.

oh, come on, you don't want to call me daddy? alright, alright, fine. i guess i can live with... whatever that would be. cousin? uncle? no clue, but i'm here for it.

probably not, depends what you offer him. thirst traps will maybe work, he seems pretty keen on you.

that's the weirdest thing that anyone has ever said to me, however knowing you it is not impossible. wait that will make you my father-in-law, i've changed my mind don't do it. aunt and niece could work