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[puitik]

A letter to my friends

Hi friends,

If I sent you a link to this post, just know that you are a special person in my life and that’s why I feel the need to tell you this. A few days ago (28/09/2022), I finally got my official diagnosis from my psychiatrist, that is depression. Yeah, after years of doubting myself, I can finally say what I have is depression. I’ve always thought that my problems weren’t serious enough to call it as such but now here I am, taking antidepressants and having weekly therapy sessions. 

This may be confusing or you may not know how to react to this and that’s normal. I had once been the one who was lost when I had friends who expressed suicidal thoughts. Speaking of which, at this point you may be wondering if I ever had such thoughts. To be honest, I did have those thoughts and maybe still do feel that way. But rest assured, I will not go through any suicidal attempts because while I do not fear death (as in no longer existing), I do fear pain. 

So, when did this all start? I suspect it started from my poly years, back when I was overwhelmed with both school and CCA subcomm responsibilities. School started at 8 am in the morning and because of subcomm, I came back home at around 10 pm. I cried every night until I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I quit subcomm. 

But it didn’t end there, I never stopped crying. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m crying so hard. Sometimes, I have this sense of doom that I’m about to die. Those were probably panic attacks but I’m not sure. Some of you might know that I have a bad memory so I don’t remember much of my past but I found writings from secondary school that alluded to suicidal thoughts, which surprised me. Could it have started from that early? My childhood was quite turbulent though so it seems plausible. 

While I did experience low mood, crying and suicidal thoughts, I didn’t feel it was serious enough to warrant professional help so I endured it until I quit university last year. That was a wake-up call for me to seek help because I knew I couldn’t go on like this. Actually, I knew I was having difficulties with uni stuff in year 2 and asked my academic mentor for a LOA which was declined. Then it didn’t help that when I asked my mom for help and told her my thoughts about quitting uni year 2, she mentioned marriage and family’s honour etc. So I took an unofficial LOA by only taking 2 online modules and thought things were going well when I came back but nope. I was only avoiding the problem. That was when I decided to quit.

However, I’m thankful to have supportive friends who stayed by my side while I was going through all this. To the friend who saw my pain through my smile, thank you. To the friend who didn’t treat me like a failure, thank you. To the friend who’s still here, thank you. I have issues with my family but I know I scored it in the friendship department, even when I feel like I’m a shitty friend sometimes. 

If you’re wondering on what you should do after hearing this news, there’s nothing different. We can go about our usual meetups and maybe this time talk more about our mental health. And don’t be afraid to ask questions. Weirdly, there’s no such thing as an invasive question to me so feel free to ask about depression or my past etc. I would also love to hear more about your opinions on mental health or your own struggles, if you want to! 

Thank you for reading this whole ass essay. Love you all!

[puitik]

과연 이걸 맞을까요?

누가 알아요. 인생을 원래 이렇게 살아야 해요. 그러니까 좀 재미있고 설레요. 뭐 불아하고 걱정된도 그래요.

[puitik]

문문 ㅡ 결혼

이 노래가 너무 좋아해요. 인생은 처음이라, 이 노래를 만들었어 고마워요.

[puitik]

저도 모르게 긴장해요. 한국에 너무 가고 싶지만 그냥 저랑 한 친구 있었어서 좀 걱정해요. 이제 와서 뭐.. 어쩔 수 없어요. 모두 잘 되길 바래요.

[puitik]

이제 인턴쉽을 하고있어요. 일은 너무 많아 그리고 정신없어 만큼 바빠요. 월급은 일 만큼 부적해요. 그래도 친구보다 제 월급은 더 좋아요. 

착한 사람들이 있었어 다행이에요. 새로운 친구도 생곘어요. 이 사람들 때문에 일이 너무 즐거웠어요. 

언니 같은 동료도 생곘어요. 저는 언니 없었어 그 언니들 한테 너무 고마워요. 인생은 지금 힘들지만 좋아요.

[puitik]

이 밤은 언어의 밤이에요.

드디어 블로노트를 진지하게 읽어요. 이해 때 정말 신기했어요. 제 한국어는 모자라서 생각은 잘 설명할 수 없어요. 

의미 아는 후에 저는, “ 우와!!!!! 블로 씨 천재다!! 어떻게 이렇게 만들어?” 그 생각은 나와요.

그리고 오래만 그 글씨를 해봤어요. 몇 년전 보다 더 좋은데요. 정말 재미있어요. 역시 저는 언어가 관심이 많아요.

[puitik]

제 친구가 한국어 배우는 시작했어요. 그 친구가 수업을 안 받아서 저는 제 교과서 그런것들이 빌려줬어요.

한국어 배운 친구가 있어서 너무 좋아해요. 외국어 배운 사람들 화이팅!

[puitik]

넬의 노래 들리는 오래만이에요. 

[puitik]

돌아가고 싶어

파란 달이 빛나는 그 곳

[puitik]

이미 계획을 만들었어요.

[puitik]

오늘의 숙제

오늘은 한국어 수업이 없어요. 대신 수필 한 장 써야 해요.

숙제는 한국 친구에게 (없는데) 싱가포르를 소개해야 해요. 뭐 소개해 저는 몰라요. 제 부모님을 소개해도 돼요? ㅎㅎ장난이에요.

[puitik]

잼 없어 그냥 어색한 한 소녀

오해하지 마요, 제발요. 그냥 진심으로 칭찬이에요.

너무 쪽팔려서 사라지고 싶어요. 

[puitik]

여기에, 제 마음이 다 볼거예요. 지금 한국어 배워요. 그래서, 실수하면 이해 부탁드립니다. 

[puitik]

안녕하세요.