puppyfairymi

[puppyfairymi]

why must i plead for my individuality :( why do i have to beg for something that has always belonged to me.

[puppyfairymi]

hihi.

its currently 2 am and i couldnt sleep but i kind of had a revelation??? if thats the right word o_o well im not sure but the point is i feel like im rediscovering myself!! i've felt so out of control with my life and myself lately. so disconnected from the person who was speaking from this body but tonight something changed. i could NOT sleep. and i got lost in thought. but some magical thing makes me think that wasnt for no reason. i suddenly felt like my world got bright again?? as if nothing changed or like i never felt lost in myself. it was such a fast shift and weird time that i refuse to believe it wasn't meant to happen. im also thinking perhaps i was also reacting out of a sense of confusion. i mean.. staying up late isnt healthy i admit. but its been a part of who i am since forever. somehow i can hear my thoughts again in this silence. i dont feel like im putting on a mask. or a play. i just feel like its me, my thoughts and the universe. i feel like me again. and i want to cherish that. im unaware if its the staying up. or just a sudden thought. whatever it is im so happy to finally feel so full of life and have life feel so fluffy and dreamy again. a part of me also feels like its the change. i mean i never felt safe before sure. but my surroundings were mine. my things were mine. my schedule was mine. i was surrounded by the things i loved. the things that i found so much comfort in. that reminded me of my whimsy self. even if things got weird or felt bad i never needed to doubt or feel unsecure. because i knew everything around me was just what id created. it was my own. so many things. so much freedom!!! well i guess freedom is a strong word considering the situation was anything but- however!!! the enclosed space was my own and thats my point!! if im being honest im really struggling. i know everyones supposed to do this adult thing but i really dont think i can. even now im barley doing what most people have to do and i feel so inhuman. when i dont have my own space my own time and my own things i dont feel like myself. somehow feeling like im constantly needed to do things. so much responsibility. no sense of my own time no schedule of my own and just feeling that i have to take on so much maturity. its too much for me. i understand how this could sound bratty or immature to some but for me its just myself. if im feeling so disconeceted from myself just trying or living it for a few months is it really normal? if i can even function thoughts like the person ive always been am i still existing or am i just fufilling this robotic role thats expected to survive. i cant do it. O_O and realising now LIKE actually feeling liek me again!!! and realising how disconnected i was... i HATE and i know thats a big word but i truly HATE how that made me feel/act/be. ive always been an overthinker. a blessing and a curse but its been me. and ive grown to love myself for it. but recently i just feel like theres so little thought behind my own individuality. so little thought behind what i do. its just being on alert. and mature mode. i dont think im supposed to be the sun. i think im just a star. im supposed to float just out of reach of everything. enough space to keep me dreaming of a fairytale. but far enough to be unbothered in my eternal slumber. i shine the most when im left to my dreams. its exhausting trying to have a normal life and im still trying for some reason but i just feel alien. im realising people like me because im whimsy, im dreamy, im childilike because i dream. but as soon as i dont get to be in that space anymore. i just feel like a fleshy blob of nothing.

whats the point of a soul if im just a pile of skin with no soul. i want my soul back. i want it back. let me have it!!! :( is it really a secret if my soul belongs to me or is that just invasion.

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i feel as though getting to be me has become a rarity. despite my optimism. after a few tears and having my thoughts interrupted and pleated from my mind. im not sure what i have anymore

[puppyfairymi]

rawrawr!!! :D updatessss! solis and nimbus ((OUR CATS WE GOT BABIES!!!) have grown to 14 weeks old!!! they r so handsome :3 I AM A CHANGED GIRL!!! lover girl into motherhood!! i love them sm! this heckin oven always messing up my bakes tho!!! NOT SWELL AT ALL but its ok :] we moveee things r going okay just uhhh

well i feel a little dissassociative and not like present but im hoping that can change soon so i can regain some control over corpselike body! ON ANOTHER GOODN OTE THO!!! we went to the meadow next to our house and just sat there drawing!!! it was sosssoososos prertty and i definitely want to do it more :)) im really self conncious about drawing in publix tbh bc i feel like people r usually really good to be doing that and i am but a novice! (i think novice means inexperienced) so ya.. BUT REGARDLESS sososos pretty and i got some cute pics!!

[puppyfairymi]

forever cursed to be the girl u meet before the love of ur life!!! >^<

[puppyfairymi]

hes grabbed me 3 timesss <333 wowwwi (not ok!! :D)

[puppyfairymi]

since being here ive made blondie browniesss and a cheesecake!! hehe >^< they were so yumm!!! AND I SURPRISINGLY EVEN GOT A COMP<LIMENT FROM OUR NEIGHBORS??? O_+O I THOUGHT THIS ONLY HAPPENED IN MOVIES HEHEHHEHE. i also tried sum like new pasta reciple thing but lije lowkey was not that good but U KNOWWWW GOTTA HAVE SUM HUMBLIN!

[puppyfairymi]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii >^< I KEEP LOSING MY TUMBLR LOGINSSSS WAHHHHHH NEW YESR NEWWW ME!!! (its februaryr! <3) anywhosi8es!!! IVE TRAVELLED ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND I LIVE INA COTTAGE NOW AND AND MANIFESTIAION MIGHT BE REAL???? AMD :AND LIKE YA IDK LIFE DOESNT FEEL REAL ATM TBH!!! i take every day as they come and try to be present but its so weird i have this strong feeling of like no sense of self and like even though im conciously douing things it still just doesnt feel real??? IM NOT SURE I JUST DONT REALLY GET IT BUT BESIDES WALKING UP THE HILL ITS SO LOVELY HERE~ finally sum fortune for this lovergirl!!! HEHE! (EVERYTHING COMES WITH A PRICE PLEASE DONT EAT ME!)