pure-hxppiness

[pure-hxppiness]

13 January 2021 @ 8:16pm, Wednesday

Ahh welcome to the new year filled with many empty new years resolution hahah. Well, I think I want to start writing again, as in writing on a journal, because I’m so fucking scared that Tumblr would close down hahah.

But anyway, please pray that I’m gonna do this. I am coming in the new year with positivity, love, and hopefully many amazing opportunity ahead. 

[pure-hxppiness]

9 November 2020 @ 6:55pm, Monday

I can never bring myself here to type because I dont want to face reality, and of course Im lazy. But there were many moments in my life that I did wish i documented and shared here. 

One being going cycling to Coney Island with N and H. H ended up getting into an argument with a dude who was using his motorised boat in the pond filled with terrapins and fishes. He simply expressed his concerns for the animals, but not in the most polite way. Of course, being a citizen of a country who’s people get triggered very easily, he approached H and started to pick a fight. I did interfere cause the dude brought up about how H is not a citizen of the country and he should not be messing around with locals with triggered me a lot. We did get stares from so many but I was so filled with rage that I didnt care. Thankfully his wife was kind and shared what she feel and a police was nearby to break thee fight. I keep replaying this situation and thought about what could have been done to prevent this. Should we have just walked off? Should I have stopped H? Should I get N to stop H? Idk..

Next, S constantly borrowing money from me every month now. I’m getting so frustrated because her finance management is so bad. She constantly waste money on cabbing to work, spending a bomb on food almost every week, and doesnt keep track of her expenditures. And I have to be the one who ‘suffers’ because I have to sacrifice my spending and relying on My Love occasionally to pay for my meals. Its not that I mind her lending the money. Its because i know where the money goes to and it pisses me off how the money can be used on other important items. Yes food is important, but is spending 6 bucks on a acai bowl important? I’m furious as to how she put the money, even if its her last couple of bucks. Come to think of it, I saved $100 extra last month cause she borrowed it from me. Thankfully, I can spend on Dad’s birthday a little more this year. Idk man. I bet she will borrow money from me again this month. Hopefully its not true. 

My ‘friends’ whom I dont really consider them as friends anymore cause I dont see any importance and I wanna keep my circle small, got married and engaged recently and I gotta admit that it hit me hard cause I feel like am I going at teh right pace? Idk bro lol. But its okay. Still studying its all good. Enjoying this life while I can. And plus, I dont think I’m mentally ready. I’m pretty proud that I cleansed my instagram cause keeping things close and intimate is so much better. Lesser people know the better. I used to tweet about anything and everything. But I dont anymore. 

Anyways, i just cried alone and vent out to My Love about how I dislike myself, which led me to here. I’m currently doing my practicum and honestly its one of the worst centres I’ve been to. Messy classroom, so many worksheets stacked, children are all over the place. And oh boy dont even get me started on the noise pollution!!!!! ITS NUTS. But!! The staffs are great and they are very welcoming, especially my host teacher. But I gotta admit, this COVID thing is really making educators work twice as hard cause of all the constant cleaning and safe distancing measures implemented. 

I havent been feeling myself lately, and everything triggers me so much. I tend to dwell on things thats has a negative impact on my life. I think its trauma and it gets to me so badly. I can suddenly think about those situations out of the blue. Especially when I’m alone and got nothing to think about. Idk whats happening to me and I am really worried for myself. I dont really have anyone to talk to about it just cause I dont want to relive it cause it sounds ridiculous to me. My Love doesnt seem to be worried about my well being. Its prolly me overthinking it but thats what I feel. I always put other’s first and I know I’m not a priority. Its okay. Whats new right?

Rn, all I wanna let my future self know that its okay not to be okay. You’ve been through this. You’ve been through it alone. It doesnt necessarily have to get better, but know that things will be okay cause you know its gonna be okay. Eventually you will be okay. 

[pure-hxppiness]

7 September 2020 @ 9:35pm, Monday

2 post in one day huh. Life is so unpredictable. You were such a fighter, just like your wife. I’m very sure you fought till your last dying breath. I truly dont know how do I go about from here. 

Dear Yayi, there are so many things I would love to tell you rn, but thats the thing. Right now, you’re no longer with us. I want to talk to you when you’re no longer here. Isnt that sad? This isnt the life i want with you. I want to go back to the way we were, when I was your little granddaughter and you’d bring me to places, laugh and make lame jokes, buy macdonalds with no tartar sauce cause you hated it. I’d always remember how you wanted to save my cousins from their abusive dad because you loved them so very much. You’d always take me home and made sure i was okay. You and Nyai gave me a childhood that every grandchild would love to have. 

You taught me to fight and stand up for my rights. You taught me to be brave and always to push till the finishing line. If anyone asked me to describe you, it would be strong, just like your wife. 

But it wasnt always flowers and rainbows. You taught me values that I currently posses through your ugly ways. I never agreed with your actions, I never once appreciate how you treat your in-laws, I dislike how you are so disrespectful to others. You were constantly grumpy, and looked at everything negatively. Despite it all, I still care about you. 

If life wasnt all bad, you could have meet your great-grandchild for the first time. You would have loved his bright eyes and cute button nose. You could have gotten to know the love of my life more. I’m sure we would have spent more time together. I would have loved to invite you to my wedding and have you as one of the witnesses, read prayers, and lead the ceremony. That would have been nice. 

I know I wasnt there for you when you needed me most. I know I was so selfish because I only cared about my well-being. I always feared being around you because i know how you’d treat others. I dont think i deserve to cry tonight. I really dont after how i treated you. But somehow, the tears keeps flowing because I know I failed you. I failed at being you granddaughter, I failed at being there for you, I failed at not being present in your life. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry Nyai. I’m sorry Yayi. 

I’m glad that you remarried the lady and I truly hope that she made you happy during your last few days. I’ll be seeing her for the first time tmr inshaallah, and i’ll be seeing you after prolly over a year. Inshaallah you are safely where you are supposed to be, and I hope Nyai is there to great you with the biggest heart in the universe. Inshaallah we will meet again in Jannah soon. I miss you, I love you. 

Your granddaughter. 10:03pm

[pure-hxppiness]

7 September 2020 @ 11:02am, Monday

Hi. I was suppose to start work for this $12 per hour job but they ghosted me meh. Anyway, I’m desperately trying to look for jobs cause im down to my last 200 bucks and idk man. I’m at least grateful that i didnt take driving rn cause that would’ve cost me a bomb. Anyway, like what i predicted. Because of the baby’s birth, things are starting to go downhill. SIL parents are moving out and back to their place. Bad relations with parents. Mum got affected by SIL’s actions. SIL going through postpartum depression and many more. I’m pretty devastated by this because I knew it was coming and I didnt do anything to prevent it. At the same time, true characters are coming out and i’m not ready for that. 

I want us to be the best loving family that the baby deserves and live happily together, being able to rely on each other, growing old together, and many more. I’m so afraid that a hurricane is coming and none of us would be prepared. I believe that this baby would be a blessing in disguise. It may not be obvious now, but i hope it will in the future. 

[pure-hxppiness]

30 August 2020 @ 11:12pm, Sunday

I am really not good with keeping this up cause I havent had the motivation or ‘want’ to write here. Idk what to feel about that. Anyway!!! Boy it has been a crazy week. So, yesterday, I accompanied My love to work doing deliveries and we had a flat cause he was pointing to the house where he delivered but we didnt realise that we were driving towards the curb and bomb. But it gave a good reason to change tyres cause it was balding. Cost us 320 bucks and thank god Dad was there to help. I love how my dad goes out to help. I thought we would take the tow truck but nope.....  We thought we could change to spare tyre, BUT VESEL DOES NOT HAVE A SPARE TYRE IN THE VEHICLE EUGH. So a dude came to change to a spare tyre and then we drove to the shop and they changed all 4 tyre. 

My love clocked out early and we went to buy some groceries aka drinks and many many soft drinks lol for his dad’s party later on in the day and picked up food from TPY. Then we went to pick up food for his sister all the way at Pasir Ris then helped her to transport items for her side business. The car was jam packed and we went to help with the set up as well. After we were done, we went back home and celebrated. We stayed there till over midnight and went back to Pasir Ris to transport back my love’s sister things. My love and i had to squeeze on one seat, and I ended up sitting on him. Then his ankle was itchy and holy shit it was funny cause i couldnt reach it hahah. He sent me home and we had to get ready for our double date at N and H’s house for hotpot and games. 

Today was the day that my first nephew was born!!!!! So precious and adorable. My SIL had to go through with C Sect cause she wasnt dilating and her fluids were not enough or something like that. He was born at 10 plus in the morning. Sadly with the COVID and everything, we couldnt visit but thanks to technology, we could call and see pictures!! Yall he has my SIL’s eyes and its the cutest. 

And that motivated me to write today cause I felt that its something that future me would want to read. So yeah! Tmr I’ll be seeing my girls at Y’s house and we gon catch up and everything. My love is starting a new delivery job with Amazon. Hopefully everything goes through smoothly. Thats all folks. xoxo

[pure-hxppiness]

20 August 2020 @ 2:24am, Thursday

Hey. I’m feeling fucking sad. The whole entire day, I had so many random thoughts that made me feel so low to the point where I felt that I was ready to leave the world. I was so confident and felt so fearless to die. My thoughts are literally all over the place. I thought about going to jail, murdering people, living all by myself, how I’m such a failure at life. All these thoughts while doing crochet and watching Lucifer. I’m honestly so afraid of myself. Idk what to do. I kept thinking about how I’m so useless in this world, but I really dont wanna die. The song death bed (coffee for your head) by Powfu and beabadoobee is a representation of my life rn. The lyrics are so on point.

But the thing is, I feel like the love of my life doesnt prioritise me. He doesnt care about me. He doesnt check up on me. Idk man. I’m holding on so much cause I know I’m so in love with him. But idk if he feels the same way. I want to believe he loves me as much as I love him. I really do. Anyway, I created a playlist called help. Its honestly not the best to listen to rn cause the mood is too much and im already crying and all the random memories coming to my head. I cant. Why am I like this. 

Perfect by Simple Plan is another spot on music. Fuck i dont wanna cry anymore.  

[pure-hxppiness]

16 August 2020 @ 11:29pm, Sunday

Hello. I am back. And I am assignment free, KIND OF. Left with 1 reflection assignment which can be done by tmr?

Anyway, a lot has happened recently and one of the most recent one is something I’m truly not proud of; I ‘cut’ myself using a sharp corner of my nail that was chipped of yesterday. My love and I havent been seeing things eye to eye and I honestly feel that it’s my fault, and I know I havent been great or easy going. I’m not mentally well. I am more aware of my emotions and feelings, but somehow I’m just not getting the memo on how to deal with it or fix the situation. The reason why I did it was because I was tired of feeling mental pain, and I wanted to turn it into physical pain. But doing it only made my mental pain worst. I keep looking at it and thought about how stupid I was to do it and how ugly i feel because I havent felt this way for a long ass time. Looking at it now, I regret. I regret doing this to myself, to my love, to my family, and everyone who sees this. I sat at the toilet bowl pooping and crying while nervously thinking about how I will tell him about it. I felt that it was only right to tell him about it cause I tell him everything and I know he would be upset if I didnt tell him about it. So yeah. 

Anyway. I have more time for myself now since the holidays are coming and i cant wait to start on the list of things I wanna do; - Crochet - Paint my room - Organise my room - Hang more pictures - Find a job, hopefully.  - Knit more instead of crochet hahah  - Diamond Painting please!! - Declutter house with Mum if she allows me to hahah  - Dates with my love > must. 

We havent had the time to go on dates since this virus, but things are getting better. The mask are working and the number of cases are lesser than 100 here. So, we doing good.

Today is my first day of period and I accompanied my love to work. Then after we went to CWP and shopped for food to bring home and then chatted with his mum for the longest time about his family. I love chatting with his mum. I’m trying to encourage my love to do the same, hopefully it will work. Though the convo is mainly her sharing about her life experiences and gossips, it still feels nice. 

So, I think I wanna end here cause I dont wanna force myself to do something I dont want to, not that I dont wanna write here, but I think I’m done for the day. 

Keep going babygurl. You got this. 

[pure-hxppiness]

4 August 2020 @ 9:24pm, Tuesday

I am very stressed cause its hell week with 3 submissions, and I am just not amused by all of this. Im sorry i havent been active here, but i will be soon okay?

HOLD ON MURNI YOU GON BE OKIE

[pure-hxppiness]

27 July 2020 @ 11:28pm

3 times today. That must be a record. Anyway. I cried my balls out after I got home from a long day with driving and My Love’s family - eating teppanyaki for the first time, impromptu trip to ikea, and daiso.

I cried like those in the movie. And when I finally looked myself in the mirror, I looked like a wreck, like a kid who got lost in the mall. When I was crying, I had nothing in mind. I literally just cried and cried and cried, and when I thought about why I was crying, everything just came to mind and I couldnt stop it. I was so afraid of myself. 

Idk what is happening to me. I thought I was better than this. I thought I was able to control my emotions better. But I guess not. Nothing changed. I’m not any better than before. And I’m going to start crying again. I hate this. My brain physically hurts. Murni, you got this. Please be strong. 

[pure-hxppiness]

27 July 2020 @ 2:58pm, Monday.

Im sorry Murni i failed you. I didnt do my best. Thought i did but it wasnt good enough.

Man, my vibe was so positibe before i started. Honestly if i were to get my previous tester, i would have been able to concentrate better. Whatever.

Its done. Stop crying. You’re okay. Just take again. Love you.

[pure-hxppiness]

27 July 2020 @ 11:16am, Monday

Here we go ladies. TP test and i feel so anxious honestly. I feel like shitting no doubt cause i ate yesterday’s garlic bread.

Anyway, i just wanna tell you now that you feel pretty confident but still a little scared of what will happen. Its POURING rain outside and hopefully nothing bad would happen. I’m just hoping that i would pass and not have to worry about wasting money on this anymore. Plus, I wanna be able to drive confidently so that i can bring my family and friends out to places, and even get that mirro at Spotlight by myself.

Inshaallah everything will be okay. If others can do it, i can too. Sadly i need to waste a little more money cause need to take the can there zzz.

You got this Murni!!!!! I believe in you!!!! Murni believes in Murni!!!!!

[pure-hxppiness]

26 July 2020 @ 12:21am, Sunday

Hi. Tmr is my TP test and I’m pretty nervous. But I think I improved a lot. But Im not that confident. But hopefully I will be more confident in the future.

I think I have anxiety. Jessica Kent, a YouTuber that you currently like watching cause you enjoy her personality, once mentioned on her Instastory that if you’re a person who rewatches a show over and over again is a sign of anxiety. And i think I agree cause till now, I still have not watched the end of The Big Bang Theory, I stop watching series that dont go my way. Idk why. Same goes for when I overthink. Just last night, I had trouble sleeping cause I thinking what would happen on Monday during my TP. Im scared I would hit the curbs, or park wrongly, or mount the curbs. I really dont wanna waste money anymore because I wanna move on and save money for my future with My Love. 

Anyway, this week has been so hectic and I think my body isn’t the best right now. 

21 July 2020 - Went to Y’s house again to do assignments together. But it became like a rest day cause they were not as motivated.

22 July 2020 - Went to follow My Love to work and it was pretty fun. Did some work along the way in the car too.

23 July 2020 - Went to Y’s house again to complete another video for an assignment which I already cleared and felt pretty proud, but not entirely cause it’s not the best. Afterwards, I followed My Love to work again till night time. He almost knocked down someone which was pretty traumatising and haunting cause I still think about it. 

24 July 2020 - Went for driving which was pretty good? I felt like 80% confident. Went to My Love’s house before going out with the crew. Planned to watch a movie but there was no slot. So instead, we ate Mala @ CWP and bought snacks to be eaten at My Love’s home. We ended up watching Train to Busan cause I’ve never watched it before.

25 July 2020 - Which was technically yesterday. I finally stayed home after a week worth of going out. But Bibik R came to visit cause she was around the neighbourhood. I miss being with my relatives and just being funny. Made a super last minute card slot for her too haha. Cant wait to do for my classmates too. After she went home at 6:30pm, my body suddenly felt weird, cold and eyes were getting hot. I waited till after Maghrib to sleep cause I didnt wanna take meds. My short nap helped a lot cause I feel so much better now. But, hey sleep schedule lol. 

So here we are. Following My Love later again to work cause Sunday is super busy, and he’ll be working from 8am to 3pm which is something new cause he always work for like 5 hours. God knows why he put longer hours!!! 

So yeah. Oh, you are currently obsessed with a YouTuber named Baylee Jae cause of her super super charismatic personality and her art! So in the future if you have money to support, please do.

[pure-hxppiness]

20 July 2020 @ 11:50pm, Monday

I know i typed here close to 24 hours ago, but i really wanna write now. Today, i founf out that C’s good friend from her previous school recently passed away and it broke her so much because thats 2 deaths in less than 2 months. She shared that both of them go through similar life situations and told each other that they never wanna see each other’s death from someone else. Sadly, she was not able to go to the funeral due to superstitions and also the funeral happened very fast. C was so broken and we shed tears together because she told me that she does not wanna see us in that situation ever. 

But i cant help to think, what if she is next. And i told her straight up that she better not be next, and we hugged each other. I really dont wanna lose C. I really hope that she gets better soon and learn to love herself, because she deserves nothing but happiness. 

My love fetched me from Y’s place and we went to eat drive-thru Maccas. I broke down and told him that i cant imagine my life without him. Everyday without fail i tell myself that i cant imagine, what if he is really gone. Who’s text am i gonna look forward to. How hard its gonna hurt me. Just like how Nyai’s death hit me like a brick.

I’m not ready for death. I really am not. I love my life here. Though its not the best, I know i am so blessed to be given this opportunity to live. I am still alive, and i hope that i get to live the best out of it. 

[pure-hxppiness]

20 July 2020 @ 12:27am, Monday

Its been a week since you last wrote here. There were many times you wanted to write, but you just cant seem to put time for it. Cmon murni, i know you can do it. In the last 7 days, i broke down, quite a few times, but better than before.This week has been pretty stressful cause assignment due dates are coming, and there’s so much to do. It was pretty much consultation and meetings week

14 July 2020 - NUM consultation and i think it went pretty well. We can start to finalise our idea and make the board game. It was supposed to be WISP meeting to but honestly i dont favour the module cause im the only one from my class and my teammates pretty much rely on me a lot. And they are pretty meh.......

15 July 2020 - WISP consult went fine too. Though we had to change the ideas a little, we managed to rectify it and make the necessary changes. But my group literally just sat in the skype and typed away which was so awkward, and plus, i hated it so much cause they always wait for me to give the command. The initiative is there, but idk. Just not fun.

16 July 2020 - WEC consult was not that bad, but I feel that we are not that prepared for the next step and its due next week which is pretty scary. But i think we can pull through. Tmr we are meeting to do some filming and stuff and hopefully it goes well. I mean today at 11am later. Oh, and I did an impromptu meet up @ S’s and followed her to work cause i needed to buy zip for her birthday present. I went to vivocity and then to plaza sing, and back to vivo to have dinner with her. Super impromptu i know. Thankfully, my family fetched my back home from vivo.

17 July 2020 - SEL consult and S’s birthday! The consult went fine, so we can finalise our report and move on to the next step. The ‘surprise’ went well. I went over to her house in the morning before her work and bought her cinnamon meltz. Then went to stuff some cinnamon to wake her up which was hilarious. I gave her the bag that i made for her and she liked it though i screwed some parts up. But she didnt mind it. Oh yeah, thats why i cried. Cause i screwed the bag up. 

18 July 2020 - stayed home to complete some for the upcoming week and rewatched Lucifer cause the new season is coming and i needed a recap. I also crochet some items like the connector for the masks. Wanna make more for people though.

19 July 2020 - which was just now. Celebrated my love’s nephew’s birthday at Malayan Council and boy it was expensive af. I felt bad for not giving money cause i think it was a much better gift. It was a fun time considering the pandemic we’re currently in, we had to sit at separate tables, and avoid being too near to each other. But we didnt really abide by the rules meh. Afterwards we went to his sister’s house to open up some presents and i bought an army soldier set thingy and uno (technically not bought cause it was ‘donated’ by dad’s boss, but it was in great condition and i didnt wanna waste it). 

I truly feel blessed with love’s family members cause they are all so accepting and drama free and truly love each other. I cant wait to be officially part of the family. Inshaallah everything goes well. I should end here cause I’m leaving the house in less than 9 hours and im exhausted cause i walked from the mrt all the way to the place. Cant wait for when its my turn to treat the family. They deserve nothing but love, good health, and happiness. 

[pure-hxppiness]

13 July 2020 @ 10:45pm, Monday

Hi. My name is Murni. I have a gazzilion tumblr accounts, and the last time I used tumblr was in 2017. A lot has changed since then. I want to start writing again because I miss writing. I miss reading back my past experiences and regret so much not writing the past few years. When I look back at https://spazial-blog.tumblr.com/ and https://myctophobias.tumblr.com/ and many others haha, I really am proud of who I am today and see the ‘progress’. 

So much has happened since I last wrote online. I did thought about doing this for the longest time, but never really brought myself to it. I dont really know why but I guess its me not wanting to listen to my heart speaking. But I wanna change that because sessions like this helps me to talk to myself and really listen to how I feel. 

Heres an update:

- I am madly in love with the man who’s the mermaid man to my barnacle boy - I still have a best friend who is practically family - I have such insane friends from both ITE and Poly that i am so thankful for - We are currently living in a pandemic called COVID 19 and wearing mask, social distancing and everything else online is the new norm - I am currently a year 2 student studying what i love - I have great future in-laws who are the craziest family i have ever met - I am going to be an aunt soon in Sept 2020 - Idk what else to tell you, but mentally, I think I’m okay. I do get emotional so easily rn, but I think its all part of growing up.

So, I think thats a good enough catch up. 

Today, I went to Y’s house together with C because we wanted to do school work together. At around 6 plus, just as we were about to leave, Y found that her neighbours who were 80+ years old both on the floor. We went into frantic mode and started to attempt to help them. The poor grandpa was flat on the floor, but thankfully there were no major injuries. Apparently they both fell and were on the floor for close to 3 hours. 

We called the ambulance and waited for help to come. Y and C were trembling, and I was on the verge of breaking down. But I felt that I couldnt be the weak one cause if that were to happen, who is gonna save who? At the same time, I handled the situation well because when I spoke to the paramedics, I was speaking in a very calm tone, and my voice was trembling, but I stayed focus and calming spoke. Which is a huge improvement. I think i did pretty well, but i was shaken by the incident because I was so afraid that both of them could lose conscious anytime. 

There were funny parts to this scenario. What happened was the grandma wanted to pee so badly. Y’s suggested that she peed on the floor but she refused. He then said “Its okay, dont think about peeing. Come, drink some water.” I was like broooo, pee??? drink water??? more urge to pee? hahahah Then Y said that she thought originally that the grandpa was sunbathing because he was only wearing a tee and towel wrapped around his bottom half. 

Thankfully everything was okay and the family members came to take care of the grandma. Afterwards, I went to meet my love and we had dinner at 4Fingers. The comfort he gave was just everything I needed after a long day. So thats it. 

Felt great to type and let my feelings go. I hope that this becomes a regular thing because I really want to look back at how I grow.