purelycathartic

[purelycathartic]

my last post was december 2017. it’s now december 2022. entering into 2023. 

and i just feel like i’m sadder than ever before. because i’ve now realized that the type of romance and love i believe in, is just a dream. the reason i get so heartbroken every single time is because 1) men are all assholes, and 2) hurting the people you love is just normalized. im the crazy one for always immensely putting everyone else’s feelings before my own. 

men operate with only their own happiness in mind, never their partner’s. i look at marriages and get so sad, because women do all the work. yet men will cheat. men will abuse. men will laugh and mock. but they’ll always do one thing tho - they’ll fuck you. they can see you as nothing, as garbage, as the biggest loser in the world, but they’ll still fuck you cuz they can’t fuck the girls they actually want!

hmm but even when they think they love you, theyll fuck other people. even when theyre happy with you, theyll think of other people. theyll talk to other people. their eyes will look for other people and desire them. 

since the last time i’ve posted here, i was on an upward trajectory for a while yknow? i was with a partner who loved me a lot, treated me like i was the most special person in the world. i was visibly happy, glowing, i remember 2018 and most of 2019 as a happy time in my life. which is .. extremely rare. 

and after that, everything’s just gone down to shit again. i am miserable - i hate looking at myself, i feel so disgusted looking at other couples, my own partner sometimes, i just feel so much pain. i am angry at God, i am angry at everyone and at this world for lying to me and raising me on the belief that true love is out there in the way i defined it. cuz its NOT. 

like i said. you gotta pick ur poison - a cheater, an abuser, an absent partner, a pig, the most common tho? a liar and a cheater. usually a mix of both but always a liar lol. 

i hate my life and i can’t wait to die. or better yet, i can’t wait to get my own apartment with my cat and just live the rest of my life alone, hugging myself and crying every day. everyone’s gonna move on (they already are) with their lives - getting married, seemingly being in love and having a partner who fulfills their needs. every night of my life I have asked Allah for signs, to give me something to let me know my fate. and everything has pointed to me not being meant for a life of companionship and romance. short-lived passion, solitude, and pain instead. 

i hate every single one of you for what you’ve done to me, and how your lives are all working out pain-free and karma free. i hate you all for making me feel so inadequate. i hate you for lying to me, for making me go insane, for making me think im the problem for years, only to realize it’s you. but no one will ever know, no one thinks you’re the crazy one, everyone knows me as this girl whos hysterical for no reason. im the ugly girl. im the angry girl. i do not respect you. i hate everything. 

[purelycathartic]

You just didn't like me that much. That's all there is to it. You shouldn't have said I love you but you did. You were detached even though we had sex, I wasn't. You didn't open up to me even though you "loved me", I probably didn't live up to your expectations. All that combined with distance, it was just a waste of time. For both of us, really. It made me unreasonably angry because I was way TOO into you, and you just moved on like it was nothing. And that really hurt. But I am glad I remained cautious. Or else this would've really, really negatively affected me. Boys are so utter complete shit. Don't even know how to make sense of stuff sometimes. But it's been more than a year. I need to get out of this resentment phase. Not healthy for me. You had your life together (still do!) And I didn't, I still don't. Better than before, but we're at two different places. Fates can be tied and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again, but this felt like defying fate.

[purelycathartic]

After that entire gaslighting situation I realized there's a lot mentally wrong with you. And with me for even loving you for so long. Mixed in with my terrible family situation (at the time) it is pretty safe to say that these two things are the main cause of my current mental state. And probably money.

Ok so. What kind of person were you? Let's start... No female friends. Whatsoever. Until maybe after you started dating me. Before that, terrible social interaction with girls unless they were MY friends, and it was only online.

You used me to a) practice how to groom a girl for abuse. Which ended up being me anyway, cause I was the only.one dumb enough to stay. My god.

B) practice on how to befriend girls and socially interact with hem, which is so weird considering YOU HAVE A SISTER. AND CLOSE TO YOUR GIRL COUSINS. WHY DONT YOU KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS??

Before we became friends, you were sooo insistent on insulting me. You also insult any girl you basically aren't friends with. Superiority complex. You also think your opinion is right above everyone's no matter what the topic is. Everything you do is right. Everyone else our age? Deemed mindless idiots (by you. Your own words) unless they're "worthy" of being your friend. Wtf. I hate myself for liking you at this point.

Lying. Compulsive lying. You love it. Also incredibly racist , homophobic , SEXIST(!!!!) And just. Ugh. You also were so obnoxious because you thought you were the funniest person in the room. You'd command it by laughing louder on purpose, being ridiculously offensive just for shock value. You're not funny.

Being patient and calm doesn't work well if you're literally not listening to the other person, using eloquent words and basically pushing that your agenda is right. Also, you're not really patient and calm if you're sending me a fcked up letter saying that I'm a liar and a whore with no self respect.

I don't know what else to dissect from this for now, but speaking this into existence makes me feel a lot better. Like, a whole lot better.

[purelycathartic]

Oh lordy lord I'm back on this blog. Lmao looking back at my.old posts thank god I'm over that bullshit. Let's move on to some more serious past issues shall we.

[purelycathartic]

tbh, if you dont wish me on my birthday im cutting you off for good 

[purelycathartic]

I thought I'd change but boy was I wrong

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Year one, you think it's a phase and it'll be over before you know it Year two, you don't know how to deal with toxic people and you keep quiet a little bit longer Year three, at this point youre passive and miserable and you've already tried once to end it Year four, you can't believe you're starting a new life and it feels more hazy than anything else. You feel a chain being dragged along behind you Year five, it's there but you dont acknowledge it anymore. It's just a part of you you learn to ignore Year six, it's stronger than you all over again. And you let it take over and you surrender. I've surrendered for a long time now and I just want to leave. Ive given up for so long, I feel so small and helpless. I hate this.

[purelycathartic]

I’m allowed to be angry about what happened. I am allowed to be angry about what you did.

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you’re so cute and sweet but you’d never go for someone like me :S

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honestly i dont care anymore, fuck u :) 

[purelycathartic]

i fucking hate my life :) 

[purelycathartic]

i want to scream, i want to cry and yell it out to someone. but after venting to you all i feel like is a burden. i dont want to hear the words of a stranger, i wanted someone i care about to hold me during my rough times and tell me it’s going to be okay. but that’s not possible, i don’t want to burden anyone anymore. i don’t want to bother anyone. all i have is myself and i hate me, so i guess we’ll just see what happens 

[purelycathartic]

it’s inevitable, i dont know why i can’t accept it? one day you’re going to meet someone who makes you fall in love even more. i can only hope it doesn’t happen around me because i don’t want to see it. wait one more year ok? i’ll be gone by then. 

[purelycathartic]

Why the fuck are you so unsupportive...fuck off and stop trying to act like my Savior

[purelycathartic]

i could die right now tbh. where’s the road at ill just lay there please lol

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[purelycathartic]