purgatoryresident

[purgatoryresident]

people seem to forget that even people with contamination OCD are often not clean....? and in fact their OCD can make things dirtier....?

it seems counter intuitive but contamination OCD can result in really, really dirty environments.

hi I have contamination OCD and one of my biggest obsessions is mold! I go to extreme lengths to avoid mold! and I just spent an hour cleaning real, not imagined mold out of my bathroom! how did that happen!? how did it get that bad!? it's really simple! my OCD made me avoid mold which meant avoid cleaning the mold which meant the mold got worse which made it harder to clean the mold.

the increasing distress at the mold meant very little until it got me to the point of breakdown where the mold was finally bad enough that my avoidance of it was a weaker force than my need to get rid of it.

I do this a lot.

I bounce between obsessively getting rid of anything that could possibly be moldy or get moldy in the next week and avoiding disgustingly moldy food because I can't touch it. usually I'm doing both. the mold causes me distress but the distress of dealing with it once it's there is greater than the distress of having it there. I solve this by obsessively preventing mold to the point of self destruction.

I have a completely disrupted relationship with food and my environment that makes things infinitely worse for myself because I'm constantly operating in both directions. my environment gets worse while I further restrict myself and destroy myself to try to prevent it but I can't just.... fix my environment? because that would involve interacting with mold.

I live in mold hell 🙃 help

[purgatoryresident]

well fuck going to class today i guess. OCD is a bitchass.

[purgatoryresident]

daily affirmations:

i am kind

i am in control of my emotions

it does not bother me when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

everyone in the house has the right to be in the kitchen

i am kind and in control of my emotions even when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

[purgatoryresident]

man what the fuck is gender bro. why does 'woman' feel fine but 'girl' doesn't right now.

[purgatoryresident]

maybe buying a little trinket will stop me from acknowledging how miserable i feel

[purgatoryresident]

of fucking course i start tearing up at school. not when I'm home or somewhere private but in the middle of class. okay.

[purgatoryresident]

suddenly close to tears and feeling shitty abt myself. cmon now

[purgatoryresident]

moldmoldmoldmoldmold how the FUCK when did this happen wtf mold how how how

[purgatoryresident]

that's not what i meant at all, why can't you understand?

my words couldn't be any more clearer, or am i already losing grip on reality enough that i can't comprehend what I'm saying??

[purgatoryresident]

metallic dullness in my heart spreads like a disease, fog gathers and dampens all blood flowing through its arteries

a pain indescribable, where the words themselves have been erased till all that remain of them are indents—the shadow of a memory

[purgatoryresident]

extremely bad feeling in my gut just hit me at the ungodly hour of 3am, wtf is there to be anxious about right now?

[purgatoryresident]

it's an intense hurt, yet i know it'll mean nothing.

[purgatoryresident]

I don't think I'm even really 'here' half of the time

often the world and my mind feels like a hazy daze; closer to dreaming than being awake

i don't know what to do about it though

[purgatoryresident]

im back in the fucking building

so i can't even listen to music in peace. ok. damn.

[purgatoryresident]

jfc my hands are dry as hell

[purgatoryresident]

so i can't even listen to music in peace. ok. damn.

[purgatoryresident]

i feel like I'm about to pass out, brain's more fogged than ever. got work though.