purpledonutpeanutturkey

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Reflection.

It is incredibly difficult for me to be kind. I don't understand how I can be so cruel all the time, I don't know what to do about it, I can decide to think before I talk, but thinking has become tiring.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

That night I lay in your arms

You were unable to confide

The feeble dream of mine

You were whispering wishes to me

I already have mourned the dream

I shook my head at the pearly gates

Heaven was your eyes

Heaven was this moment

Heaven was now

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Forcfully dwelling in existence

who am I to sue for distress

Am I to sue God himself

Or am I to stay obsessed, being bleed dry

Becoming everything but kind

Am I to sue the world

for the dreadfulness it fills

Monetary value I earn

Waste from my hand

this cannot be given back

To anyone else but me.

I'm killing time

Watching it bleeding out

Who am I to kill.

Do I kill myself to be pulled from mystery

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

People don't like me and I've made peace with that 🤨

I can never be simple

In fact I can never truly be whole

I am forever unbecoming

everyone around me ashamed

Angered at my existence

Wincing at my joy

Still I burnt my poems

Sniffed it like cocaine

Only then will I be whole again

I read my poems like someone else wrote them

That is how I honor who I am

How I learn to be kind to myself

And all the people I'm capable of being

all at once

I am divided

forever heavy with my chaos

But I'm united

Like where the pacific and the Atlantic meet

Different but one.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

To know

I am woefully and hopefully expecting to somehow escape existence, even the moon in its glory cannot capture the mare essence in my failure to become who I told myself I was, clawing at the simple ends of the fabric that kept my sanity in pattern. at times like this, I will kneel and beg for repentance but in that moment I realize I am be beyond redemption, I begin to mourn something I have yet to lose.

The loss

Soft hands that rub my back to calm me down, as I heave and struggle to breath, my vision is blurred with tears and I begin to hear my very soul cracking, dismantling. I will be grasping my chest like my heart was leaking from every orifice of my body, trying desperately to escape me, to be freed of the cruel fate I was damned to, just as I had heard the song and I must face the music, in this moment I mourn the very thing I knew I'd lose.

Aftermath

I hope you did not expect me to be kind, or offer a simple smile when my soul is withered, small like the blades of grass that I grasped in agony, disgusted in the simplicity of the being I watched myself become. I remember it now, how I had abused the earth kicking the same patch of grass over and over again like I was digging a hole to bury my sanity, the organ the size of my fist and everything else, useless within me. In that moment I have lost it all, I truly am nothing at all.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

You are pleading to me but my ears begin to bleeding, the sound of the sea is everything but pleasing and the trees in their whooshing are my enemy. I am easily angered as I am sure you know but you are so determined to drown as a fish, you anger me more. You have failed once again as you always do

You have failed as you always do, I am unashamed to say this brings me joy

For there is a beauty about failure

the desperate wanting, the desire to sin

growing like the greed so green

it becomes currency for the angry you feed

you despicable being,

Riddle me this. how quickly does my humanity disappear with my disapproval?

What have you said to yourself to feel justified.

My body, parting with the ocean,

my soul between tides,

you search my eyes

waiting to be reminded of who you were.

Unable to see that I am no longer here

My lifeless eyes

My cold skin

You never feared those little things

You were a man and you were allowed

You are a glass fully empty to me.

It is almost unthinkable

that a few years ago you were but a child,

eyes shining with glee and hope

but there was a suffering about hope,

The moment a single moment fleeting

the light that slowly fading in your eyes

as you accept a fate and doubt change

So much you become against it.

how quick does my humanity disappeared with my disapproval. No matter how shallow I am, am I a full person to you? Soon you will be looking to me to remind me of what was, ashamed of the man you've become

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Like the rose that blooms in the winter

My love thou at rare

Come sit on my lip or

Are thou scared

You constantly play with my mind

Thou at

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

"It was hard for me to come to the conclusion that I no longer knew how to be kind, and it hurt me, it hurt me more than anything else. Relearning empathy, like becoming human again

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

damn-kendrick

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

The small things I hoard

the little things I become

my mind is scattered with things I have gathered

my hands wounded, my fingers crossed.

Looking down at my watch to be ignored.

I am whole, unable to be held.

I am cruel like the ones that never ruled.

I am new. 18, still saving.

Clawing, no longer enjoying

The chore that I'm calling existence.

Tears fill my eyes, I am beginning to be worn

Giving unable to even ask

Am I foolish to fear the beyond or am I brave to question at all.

These are the things I am unable to comprehend

I fear I may be ill, with the pounding of my sour aching head

No longer as simple as I used to be

I fear, I feel the need to kill, no longer as light as the wind. I am heavy.

June oh June I beg thee, sanctify me. Renew me for I have heard. Here , there and everywhere "ignorance is bliss"

In addition to June being a symbolism for growth and abundance, June was when my sister was born who is June and brings me comfort, therefore I beg June to bring me something else to be renewed

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Lazy eye, how can she be African she's not black

Laya eye, how can I be tea, drink tea and say that's tea.

Lazy eye, speak to me, I'm jealous cuz you're better than me.

Lazy eye, in your restless night have you ever thought of me

Lazy eye, can how much I am loved be counted on my fingers or not?

Lazy eye, worship me, I have no one else to love me

Lazy eye, surgery. I am thinking of getting rid of thee

Lazy eye, are you hereditary, will my child tug on my sleeves and question me about her differences

Lazy eye, I beg, share your wisdom with me, is it a sin to be born in this sheltered body of me

Lazy eye, I am full of it, I've heard them say. What exactly is it? Have you heard?

Lazy eye, don't cry. I'll only be gone for a while

Lazy eye are you ever mad, they call you weak does that make you sad.

Lazy eye, no no it's nice. It is fantastic.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

I'm sorry that I looked at you so cruelly that time When you're bare your soul to me I remember I was silent you then you start to look foreign to me but It was then I began to realize my love is so huge that it would suffocate you, I was a handful, but of course, being weak minded was within your right..

You will become me, and those letters I wrote you, you will write to others, in you there was no originality, not a spec of light behind your eyes, no goals, no passion. You had to become me. I was full and whole, you are torn and empty You will become me.

You, a cruel thing

a cruel thing that I molded to beauty

I cuddled and cooed you as I try to truly shape you into me,

Now it is clear I can only blame myself and it was foolish of me.. I was full and whole. Then I didn't realize I was not looking for someone to pour into. So when next you feel joy with others, when you are alone but never feel lonely, when you can smell the rain before it falls. I hope you fall to your knees with gratitude,thankful for me. Because those things are not you, they are pieces of me that you have become

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Junk Sale

I am junk and I'm nothing at all so..

I'm selling my human heart free of charge since human life is of no cost what use is a heart so heavy and laid. Hopefully you never tire of feeling as I have, graphically I will reach into my chest and give it to you, only then will I truly become a bleeding heart and if you do not understand.

I'll sell you my human brain, free of charge since human life is worthless now, what is the use of a brain so filled and packed bu

ike a library filled with empty books, empathy is a facade and books no longer educate let's get you back to the start. If you can't hold a book.

Fine, I'll sell you my arms. Free of change human life isn't worth a dime besides I wouldn't need them anymore but be warned my arms are heavy I've been carrying a lot so you be feeling like

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

The scariest type of person are people who lack depth of any kind... Like what do you mean you have no interests or goals at all... Like at all

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

Reflection.

In the silence were i barely think of thoughts, my chest is heavy and I'm consumed with guilt, I cannot stand who I've become, empty like all things full, shallow like a welding well. Cry painstakingly. I've said it before and i am sure you are tired if hearing about it but there is nothing else to speak of. I am filled with gratitude, slowly but surly i have accepted the fate that belongs to me. Love is not a required, love is not necessary, happiness however temporary it may be I have decided to be smile for now.

I could look at the news of things I've already seen, i feel that my hope has decreased and sadness overwhelms me and constantly I am thinking of it but no, today I've decided to be happy, i grip to my smile or I laugh till tears fall down, surely i am filled with joy.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

21st century love and my thoughts.

I bothered you day and night asking you "would you love me if I were a bug"

You said "do I love you now? Do I even care for you now? If I do not love you now how could I love you ask a bug, then you'd just be easy to ignore, I'm swat you away with my hand and if you kept bothering me, I'd kill you"

Then we just laughed about it

I wasn't even expecting to be loved as a bug, I guess you don't love me enough to lie.

[purpledonutpeanutturkey]

These little things I am unable to understand, I carry a cross like I am your lord, you look at me confused and I am agape. I am the dead body on the side of the road you have looked at with pity. I am your lord and died to teach you a lesson.

These little things I do not understand, I carry a Bible like I am your pastor filled with greed, you look at me with glory as I ask you to pour your rent money for Christ, it's what God would want.

These little things I cannot grasp. I am your sin, sweet and harmless like a white rose, pure and innocent but with the mouth of the preacher or perhaps your mother, I am the devil that resides and I am the demon to be conquered.

These insignificant things I'm too stupid to comprehend. I am a child with eyes and while I do not hold all wisdom, I didn't need to be Solomon to realize, existence in a land of war less wars is still a fraud

These things my tiny mind fails to understand, men who romanticize war and smile fondly at the memories of fire that consumes, the ones who dehumanize and rectify, celebrate with the death of a mother and her child, history taught to be glorified, all my life I've heard "violence is the the answer" but it seems to be the only solution.