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To Gothamies Batman is just like the Leonardo Dicaprio of vigilantes.

His sidekick is Robin but once that mf grows up, Batman just ditches their ass and gets a new younger one.

It's not even an age thing.

Like, one time, he changed Robins after only two years just 'cause the poor fucker hit a grow sprout and got tall.

And he dropped the girl one immediately, rumors has it, because she was too old looking.

The one with the bowstaff lasted a good while. Not really surprising, considering he had a bad case of baby face, and was on the shorter side. But the moment the kid started to put on muscle, boom, done for.

And then it got even worse because they used to be teenagers, at least. But the newest one he got literally looks like he's nine years old. Like his voice hasn't even cracked yet. He will yell at you and it just sounds like you stepped on a chew toy.

Parents will say the first one was just like that, basically a 5th grader. But still there's bets on how young the next one will be.

There's memes and cakes, and when you turn 18 people hit you with the "damn, can't be Robin no more". A mother will try to get kids-eat-free discount and the employee will go "ma'am he looks old enough to be de-robined". It's a thing.

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크악

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Batfam headcanon ×2

Been thinking abt the fact I didn't really know much about my parents as *persons*. So, what if the batkids just suddenly realized this?

Jason and Tim: *talking about a certain band*

Bruce, just woke up: *enters the room*

Bruce:

Bruce: Oh yeah, I have been to their concerts before, I have some.of their vinils and everything *leaves*

Jason and Tim:

Jason: WHAT THE FU—

Something similar happens when the batkids suddenly get into an argument about ice skating and it comes to light that Bruce can, in fact skate. It also happens with other things.

Batkids: *hanging out in the livingroom, just existing with each other*

Bruce: *happy he is bonding with his kids*

Jason: *starts talking about his time in the LoA*

Tim: *also talks with his experiences with the LoA and also with Lady Shiva*

Damian: *follows their lead*

Bruce, listening quietly: Oh yeah, Ra's has barely changed across the years, huh?

Batkids: ?

Bruce:

Bruce: Did I not tell you I trained with the league?

Batkids, minus Damian: *sounds of bafflement and outrage*

Dick, whispering: now so much makes sense

Damian: I thought this was common knowledge

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As Bruce grows older into his 50's or 60's the paparazzi and people crowding him becomes less and he thinks that people have finally decided that Bruce is too old to be attractive or mainstream and he's actually super fine with it and makes jokes( more like sarcastic remarks) about it. But in reality they've grown more freaky cause instead of looking wrinkly and a sappy old man the level of cunt he serves grows everyday,he doesn't look like a snack he looks like a buffet, 13 year olds are using his pics as the cover pages of their mafia wattpad stories, he looks majestic, absolute dilf, we don't talk about the amount of tags he's birthed just by ageing on ao3, and hes still an absolute UNIT, the reason he's not heard about it yet cause the batkids are blocking the shit OUT with all of their will and strength cause it doesn't matter if all of them are full grown adults they're still all like-THATSMYDADGETAWAYFROMHIMHEDOESN'THAVETIMEFORYOUHESBUSYBEINGOURDAD

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When Dick was a teenager and at odds with Bruce, he tried to get a piercing as a form of rebellion. He heard from his friends that their parents totally flipped, so he got himself an earring.

Blue, gaudy, and bedazzled.

When he showed up to the manor with it, he made sure to strut in front of Jason and pretend he didn’t care that his little brother was practically fawning over how cool he looked.

The moment Bruce came into the room, Dick was expecting a huge confrontation and a yelling match, like his friends had all said would happen.

Instead, Bruce lit up and smiled at Dick before leaving the room in a hurry.

Jason and Dick exchanged confused glances before Bruce came back holding a picture and beaming proudly.

The picture is of teen Bruce with a whole bunch of piercings, looking like an ethereal vampire. Snake bites that made it look like he had fangs, industrial, lobe, septum, bridge, etc. Just a lot.

The boys are slack-jawed at their Dad looking like that while Bruce is fondly telling him about all the piercings he had and how he wished he had more, but Alfred wouldn’t let him

“I also had a belly piercing. Ollie convinced me to get that one back at boarding school.” Bruce said wistfully, reminiscing about his intense goth era when he didn’t have to worry too much about public perception.

Dick is mortified because for more than half a second he actually thought his Dad was super cool again. Jason is ooh-ing and awe-ing at the picture.

When Dick does back his apartment, he considers taking the piercing out and letting the hole close up, but he feels slightly bad since Bruce was trying to connect with him.

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Idk if anyone else remembers, but Batman canonically carries around Bat-cookies according to the Batman/Scooby-Doo crossover.

I LOVE to think Batman carries them around as snacks for Robin. I love it even more to think he uses said cookies to bribe Robin into good behavior in a similar fashion to Scooby Snacks.

Little Dick Grayson: I don't wanna go to some stupid Gala! U can't make me!

Bruce, in desperation: would u do it for a bat-cookie?

Dick: woah! Bat-shaped! Cool!

Bruce: andddd you can have another one after the party

Dick, mouth full of cookie: okay :)

Bruce, internally: thank fuck a parenting hack that works

Batman: stop! Don't kill him!

Red Hood: and why do I give a fuck what you-

Batman: would u spare his life for a Bat-cookie?

Red Hood:

Red Hood: I'm not a kid anymore-

Batman: they're fresh, look, still warm

Red Hood: ...

Red Hood: this works ONCE. This ONE time. Gimme that damn cookie.

Batman: of course

Red Hood: Fuck I've missed these what the hell does Alfred put in em

Bruce: go to sleep, Tim

Tim: I'm almost done-

Bruce: go to sleep now and you can have a bat-cookie

Tim: a what?

Bruce: a bat-cookie. See? Here, first taste is free. Try it.

Tim: bribery? Really?

Bruce: positive reinforcement

Tim: giving me treats like I'm some kind of dog?

Bruce: try it and then we'll debate the ethics

Tim [eats cookie]:

Tim:

Tim: okay

Bruce: Okay?

Tim: if I promise to sleep a full 8 hours I want two more and a glass of milk

Bruce: u drive a hard bargain but I accept

Dick: aw, c'mon, Damian. One picture. For me, to remember your first day of high school. Do it for a bat-cookie?

Damian: -tt- I've heard of these so-called "bat-cookies" Insulting. I am not a child. I refuse to participate in such an asinine tradition.

Dick: shame. Alfred made animal-friendly ones so you can share with Ace and Batcow. I guess they don't get any treats either, then

Damian: well

Damian: since it would please you so very much, I will overlook this patronizing lapse in judgment

Damian [tries one bite of cookie]:

Damian:

Damian: given Batcows higher food intake requirements, I will require at least a dozen.

Damian [takes another bite]: perhaps two dozen

Duke: you agree I did a good job today?

Bruce: yes? I suppose. Earlier, when you stopped that-

Duke: shut it. Don't care. Cookie me.

Bruce: excuse me?

Duke: I know about the cookies, old man. You've been holding out on me. The cat's out of the bag. I did a good job, I get a cookie. That's how it works, right?

Bruce: uh well

Bruce: that was a long time ago

Bruce: i had to discontinue that method after-

Duke: are you saying I'm not a valid member of this family because I was never Robin?

Bruce: of course you are! But I don't have any on me-

Duke: don't. Lie. To. Me.

Bruce: Okay! Okay. You're right, I'm sorry. Here, take it. Just... do me a favor, and don't go announcing to the whole cave you got-

Duke: YES. MY FIRST BAT-COOKIE! SCORE!

Every batmember in the vicinity: BAT-COOKIES ARE BACK????

Bruce: NO! stay back! Stay back you animals! Alfred! Alfred! It's happening again-

Alfred, sighing: I'll preheat the oven, sir

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Gotta keep a straight face u guys

based on this post

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I love the idea of Jason "6'0, packed with muscle, illegal crime lord" Todd being the most visible, absolute mess of a man when Bruce shows clear signs of aging.

Every time Bruce's hip cracks or makes even the slightest noise, and Jason is there? He just stares at Bruce and bursts into tears that he cannot hide or stifle for the life of him.

Bruce has to use his glasses when he reads something or goes on the batcomputer, and Jason is in the cave? Jason looks away and doesn't say anything, but his shoulders shake ever so slightly, you could hear faint sniffles, and it just gives him away.

He just can't accept the fact that his dad is aging and actually growing old, and that in the future, he'll go through the natural course of life, and actually die. It makes him become a complete crybaby, so no one ever mentions or even hints at Bruce already becoming older whenever Jason is around.

The other children are exactly the same (crybabies), they just hide it better!

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Batman doesn't help by being the enabler, but he is a proud father.

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One of the first lessons Bruce taught Dick when he was training to become Robin was to make use of every weapon in his arsenal. He of course meant his utility belt. But Dick just nodded his head so seriously and said, “Got it.”

And that’s how Robin became the menace kid that bites people. His arms are held back by a goon? Chomp! He can’t reach his birdarangs in time? Chomp! He’s just mad at someone and needs a quick and easy attack? Chomp!

Bruce can’t even get mad, because Dick always looks so proud of himself, and it does work rather efficiently. So he’ll just sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose (even if he’s wearing the cowl) and tell Robin he did a good job.

Bruce is just thankful he doesn’t bite other kids at school when he’s being Dick Grayson. He’s called into the principal’s office at Gotham Academy for enough other reasons, he doesn’t need to add biting to the list.

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Dick: Okay, so with Bruce being on a mission with the Justice League, we need someone to be Batman.

Jason: So you just be Batman again

Damian: Actually, I strongly disagree with that arrangement

Tim: Don't tell me.... you think you should be Batman?

Damian: No, I'm aware I don't have the same attitude to be Father

Jason: really?... just the attitude?

Damian: I believe Cain should be Batman

Cassandra: Oh?

Dick: Umm.... Dami, I don't think-

Damian: Think about it. Grayson is too nice, Jason has way too much pent-up anger

Jason: Fuck you.

Damian: And well Drake is just..... Drake

Tim: Wow...

Damian: Cain is the only person who can match Father to a T.

Dick: There are many reasons why she can't be-

Jason: No, no, no, Dick. The demon child has a point

Dick: ..... um, okay then

(Later thar night)

Penguin: About time you showed up-

Cassandra (in Bat suit): You'll pay for your crimes

Penguin: ..... the hell am I looking at?

Robin: What?

Penguin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? WHO IS THIS?

Red Hood: Batman, duh

Penguin: No, don't do that

Nightwing: Don't do what? This is Batman

Penguin: That's obviously a teenage girl

The Batkids: (gasps loudly and in sync)

Penguin: WHAT?!

Red Hood: How dare you assume his gender.

Robin: During Pride Month, too

Red Robin: (shaking his head) and here I thought you were an alley

Penguin: okay no just take me in

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tw mentioned/referenced suicide attempt

Fic Idea/Mini Fic: Jason, who instead of wanting to immediately kill the Joker, first wants to haunt Bruce.

It starts of course with reconnaissance. He watches the Bat and his newest Robin, all shiny and obedient, but also decides that watching Bruce Wayne is also needed. He stalks and memorizes their routines. Noting when Bruce is alone and vulnerable or when he's most susceptible to believing what he plans to tell them.

Jason starts to leave notes where only Bruce will find them. In his office, his car(s), his coat. It's laughable easy to sneak into wherever the man will be to hide them. And each of them are clearly written in his handwriting.

Why?

Disappointment

Avenge me

Bring me Justice

Bring me Peace

He sees how it affects Bruce and Jason relishes in the feeling. Righteous anger bubbling up whenever Bruce's hands start shaking and he has to cover his mouth.

Then Jason starts sending him voice messages on untraceable, burner phones. He records them whenever he's especially emotional.

Oftentimes angry and furious. Screaming, accusing and berating the Bat for not ending it sooner. For letting the Clown live on while Jason still rots in the ground.

Sometimes Jason's messages are full of sadness. Grieving himself and the life he thought he'll have. Openly crying while asking Bruce why he let Joker take his life and future. Telling his dad that he's so alone and lonely. That he wants his dad.

He doesn't send them regularly. The sporadic timing of messages and notes keeps Bruce on his toes and deleting them before Bruce can ask anyone for help makes sure that Bruce alone burdening the guilt.

Then he starts appearing too. Never on any kind of camera, less Bruce might ask his new Robin or Barbara to help. But hidden in the crowd while Batman is too busy apprehending a rouge or when Brucie Wayne can't find an excuse to go up to him. He makes sure that Bruce sees him, recognizes him, before he disappears.

He actually loves it when he can see Batman waver and getting hit by Ivy. Loves it when that stupid Brucie masks slips and breaks. Jason sees the way it's breaking Bruce and he doesn't regret it. Not one bit. Definitely.

That's what he wanted- to make Bruce feel just as bad as Jason did and does. Because even the years at the LoA never stops the gaping wounds in his heart and soul. He wanted Bruce hurt, he wanted to see him down, he wanted that and wanted so, so much to-

...

Jason never wanted to see an ambulance drive up to the manor and deliver his Bruce's body to the hospital. His dad is strong, stronger than anyone he knows and that's why he wanted to see his weak points exposed.

He never imagine Bruce lying in his hospital bed, restrained, with Alfred and Dick crying next to him, all vulnerable and weak. The horror of it all shakes Jason like a bucket of ice down his back.

Jason never imagined reading through his dad's medical file and reading about how he tried to kill himself. Never imagined vomiting as the report describes how thoroughly Bruce tried to kill himself and instead is stuck in a coma.

Hanging alone should've done the trick, no need to pump himself full of drugs as well.

"You were supposed to get better!", Tim tells Bruce, who's unconscious and near deadly still, "Why didn't you tell us? Why?"

"How could you!", Dick hisses, voice full of anger caused by hurt and despair, "You aren't supposed to leave me too! I'm not letting you!"

Alfred just watches over Bruce, mourning in silence.

In the end Bruce wakes up. Of course he does. It's in the middle of the night and of course his vitals stay low enough to not activate any alarm. No one knows the man is back from just being a body.

Except for Jason. Jason knows, because he never stopped watching over him ever since the man got admitted. So while everyone else is still away, Jason slips into the hospital room.

"Jay...", his dad whispered, his voice full of desperation and yearning but Jason can't bring himself to answer.

Bruce seems to take the silence for judgement. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I should've tried harder than this", and gestures at the restrains keeping the man from hurting himself.

That's when Jason find his voice again, "Why the hell are you sorry? Trying to take your- Why would you do that!?"

His dad looks at him hurt and confused, "You were hurting all alone... Wanted to follow you. Keep you from being lonely."

If Bruce didn't still have the rope marks on his neck, Jason would've tried strangling him.

Instead, he just cries and takes Bruce's hand. When Bruce tries to soothe him, Jason buries his face in his dad's shoulder. In return, Bruce buries his face in Jason's hair.

"... are you real?", Bruce whispers into his curls, full of hope and disbelief and confusion.

Jason sobs once more before answering, meek and quiet, "Yeah."

The two of them stay like that for roughly an hour, until Jason can feel Bruce slowly slipping back into sleep. He waits until Bruce is truly sleeping to extract himself. Before he slips back out, he leaves a note in Bruce's fist.

Get better soon. I'll be back.

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Bruce’s Goth furry Aesthetic VS Dick’s flamboyant Disco Noir aesthetic: Fight.

Idk I say we let Dick make it

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Red Hoods goons are panicking, petrified even

Scarecrow decided to show up in the Crime Alley, there was a confrontation, Red Hood got aggressive and, well

Somehow the fear gas got under Red Hoods helmet causing him to inhale it

And now their boss was shaking on the ground, almost completely unresponsive, and worst of all

He was calling his mom

"mama, mama" it was a rather sad, pathetic sight but the goons were smart enough to not say it out loud

They didn't know if their boss' mom was even alive in the first place not to mention where she was

As they were panicking they noticed in the corner of their eyes the Batman standing near them

The goons started to gear up, ready to protect their boss from the bat

Only for Red Hood to get up, walk over to the Bat and hug him burying his face in his shoulder

"Red?" The bat was just as confused as the goons, but Red Hood only hugged him tighter and continued shaking

"mama, mama"

The goons could see the bats eyes soften and gently hug Red Hood back

The goons just stood there in shock but snapped back when the bats eyes travelled to them and regained their usual coldness

"your Boss will be alright, you can go" he commanded them, his hands not stopping the soothing motions on Red Hoods back

The goons contemplated leaving their boss with Batman but eventually decided to leave

Seems like mothers love doesn't fade, even when you're a crime lord

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Alfred steps into the cave after getting an alert that someone was in there. Bruce is halfway through tearing off his button up shirt.

Alfred raises a brow and asked in a measured voice, "I thought you were taking the night off to see the circus act, sir?"

Bruce freezes for a second before returning to frantically undress and get into his bat suit. "Uh, the ropes snapped. Two dead. Foul play suspected."

"Oh, goodness me, that's horrible."

"Yeah - oh! I need you to pick up the things on this list." Bruce shoved a crumpled piece of paper towards him. Alfred took it calmly, scanning the contents, pausing when all of the items were... for a child?

"Master Bruce," he begins calmly "why do you need children's clothes?"

Bruce paused for the slightest second, clearly hearing him and then deciding to ignore him and instead start putting on his gauntlets. "I'm not going to be home until late. I need to investigate the scene with Gordon."

"Master Bruce, why do you need a step stool?"

"And then we need to conduct interviews with each of the circus members - "

"Master Bruce, why do you need children's vitamin gummies?"

" - which will take a while because they're all, reasonably, very upset at the moment. Anyway, I'll be back by 6 am to make it to that meeting. I may need to do it without sleep, but it's fine." Bruce said as he started to move towards the Batmobile.

Alfred’s eye twitched. "Sir, why do you need these things? Sir? Si - BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE!" he snapped. Bruce froze and turned around slowly.

"Do you think ignoring me will make the fact that you're buying things for a child go away?!"

".... I was hoping it would.."