purplephantomwolf

[purplephantomwolf]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 5

Dick: ok i think that's our guy. you ready to- *pause* Hood.

Jason: *distracted questioning hum*

Dick: who are you texting right now? we're supposed to be working.

Jason: yeah, yeah- i'm paying attention, i am, it's just the demon brat.

Dick: wait- you're texting Damian?!

Jason, casual: yeah, he's still pissed that Bruce's made him go on that overnight fieldtrip. been complaining to me all day about it.

Dick: *incredulous noise* i text him once to ask how it was going and he told me if i kept 'hovering' he'd block my number! how come you can text him all day and i get banned instantly?!

Jason: because i'm the fun brother?

Dick: you are not the-

*distant ping* *a snort*

Dick: -wait what'd he say?

Jason: uh, 'this is fucking stupid, i should have stayed in the desert'. hold on, let me voice message him back a sec and then we can go jump our target.

Jason: *throat clear* you should just shoot up the school, it would solve all your problems instantly.

Dick: JASON JESUS CHRIST-

Jason: don't fuckin' yell in my ear! and don't yell my goddamn identity, what's your problem?!

Dick: you can't say that shit to him!

Jason: see this is why i'm the fun brother. Damian'l find that funny, you guys are all just cowards.

*distant ping*

Jason: see? 'lmfao'. i'm his favourite.

Dick: you both scare me so much.

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Steph: Fuck we forgot a torch.

Tim: Hang on I got this.

Tim, snaps Jason’s arm like a glow-stick.

Jason, eyes illuminated bright green casting light onto the surrounding area: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Tim: Got it.

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Kimi: Did you know there's a drugs dealer who is also a barber that lives down the street? He's actually getting arrested right now

Gabriel: Really?

Ollie: Yeah, I've been going to him for years

Ollie: Did you know he's also a barber?

Kimi: No idea

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TRAINING SESSION july 24, 2025

[purplephantomwolf]

Alex: GEORGE! Keep your shirt on! George: *already stripping in the middle of the street* NO!

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Bruce, Newly Batman: I̸̺̺͎̰̥̜̯̼̮̰͖̜͂͆̿̈́̿̔ Ą̵̺̰̻̻͔͇͓̈́̓͛̏̈́͌͋̄̑͆̏M̶̧͚̪͉̯̜̰͎̘̀͋̇̀͗̍́͆̑̏͂̿̊̚ T̷̡̧̬̲̭̦̘̩̊̉͛̓̓̌͌̕Ḩ̵̛̘̤͙͔̝̫̖̻̦̞͙̺̅̿͘͝Ȩ̸̪̯̗̘̥̣̲̣̣͍͚͙̥̩́̀̈̆͑ N̸̡̧͕͙̼̻̳̦̪̞̯͎̦͓̏̒͌͑͒͊̾͌̑̅̕͝ͅI̸̺̺͎̰̥̜̯̼̮̰͖̜͂͆̿̈́̿̔G̶̺̥̎̄͌͑͂̔̏̓̂́̈́͜͝͝͝͝ͅḨ̵̛̘̤͙͔̝̫̖̻̦̞͙̺̅̿͘͝T̷̡̧̬̲̭̦̘̩̊̉͛̓̓̌͌̕

Aflred, done with this bs: Very well, Master Bruce. I don't suppose the night can get off the roof in order to have dinner? Mulligatawny

Bruce:

Alfred: I made mulligatawny soup

Bruce, already scrambling down:

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𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐄: *crying in the middle of the night*

𝐌𝐀𝐗 (sleeply): Your turn.

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐄𝐒: Mon dieu... if I must.

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐄𝐒: *starts crying*

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Dick teaches a self-defense class for kindergarteners at the Gotham YMCA. Why? Because Cass dared him. Insufferable brat. He loved her.

“Rule one!” he says cheerfully, kneeling to eye level with twenty-three wobbly children in dinosaur sweaters. “Always go for the kneecaps!”

One of them raises a hand. “What if they don’t got knees?”

“Then you climb them like a tree and bite.”

Cassandra watches from the observation window, deeply horrified and slightly impressed. This reminds her of her childhood. Slightly.

An hour later, one of the toddlers flips a mugger into the sidewalk like a sack of potatoes.

“Where did you learn that?” the cops ask.

“My friend Dickie says bite crime.”

They nod, like that explains everything.

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forever endeared by his younger brother core

[purplephantomwolf]

While Batman is the sternest mentor in the world because he has to be, Bruce Wayne spoils his children on a scale bordering insanity, and the only force on earth that can stop him is Alfred.

For all of the batkids, one of the most jarring aspects of being adopted by Bruce was the overwhelming whiplash between the utilitarian, practical "I've calculated exactly how many gummy bears you need and the answer is zero" vigilante they work with, and the endless shower of nonchallant gifts and praise that comes from their father the moment his mask is off.

When Duke casually mentions that he likes the baklava from that one Mediterranean bakery on 7th, Bruce has the bakery cater to their dinner table for a month. All Cassandra did was point at a sketchbook in a museum gala, and within two weeks, she had a fully equipped art studio in the west wing of the manor. Damian knows that all he has to do is gently tug on his father's sleeve and say "Baba, the electronics at the school are completely inadequate for my studies," and Bruce will pick him up and nod knowlingly, "Of course, Damian, I'll have Alfred drive you to Best Buy tomorrow."

No one in the entire Justice League has the gumption to try and quell this monstrosity. They sit helplessly as Nightwing interrupts a JL meeting and catches Bruce right before he slips into his Batman persona, innocently mentioning how sorry he is for barging in but he's just absolutely craving- and Bruce's credit card is already in his hand. Clark, once, tried to softly plead with Bruce to just not spoil the kids quite so much, and Bruce respectfully acknowledged his concern while actively wrapping Tim in eight heated alpaca fur weighted blankets. God help them when Steph wants a car.

Alfred is the only one who can restrain Bruce, but it's painful. "Master Bruce," he says in a firm, gentle tone, "Master Jason certainly does not require this many brand new motorcycle jackets," and Bruce just pouts- pouts, ladies and gentlemen- as he's actively sewing new patches onto an $1,100 leather jacket. "But he asked for it Alfred, and he never asks me for things, and I only got him eighteen of them, you know he runs through them so quickly..."

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8 year old Dick, sitting on top of Bruce's shoulders and giggling: Do I weigh anything to you?

Bruce, in his mid-twenties: No.

22 year old Dick, sitting on top of Bruce's shoulders with a mix of confusion, concern, and astonishment: Do I... weigh anything to you?

Bruce, in his early forties, slightly smiling despite his 4 hidden broken ribs: No.

[purplephantomwolf]

are we even trying to make posts anymore

[purplephantomwolf]

Fernando: You know archaic Latin? Lance: I got bored with classical Latin. Fernando: You know normal Latin? Lance: Yeah someone from my knitting club taught me. Fernando: YOU HAVE A KNITTING CLUB? Lance: You don't know everything about me Nando. Now do you want a sweater or a scarf?

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[purplephantomwolf]

every now and then I am reminded to my great chagrin that my mother is funnier than I am

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Charles, visibly turned on but also confused: When you said "I know magic in bed," this isn't what I thought you meant.

Max, covering his eyes: was THIS your card?

Charles: HOW'D YOU KNOW?

[Meanwhile, in Britian somewhere]

George, visibly confused: Why are you taking off your clothes?

Alex:...Excuse me?

George: No, I mean, like, if you're going to take a rabbit out of your shirt that's totally cool, I'm not gonna judge your tricks.

Alex: Why would I have a rabbit coming out of my shir— YOU THOUGHT I WAS LITERAL?

[purplephantomwolf]

playing twister* lando : Right hand red. Charles: *ends up on top of max* max: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? lando : I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.