purplerandi

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

#broken

broken. That's what I have to describe the current state of my heart. I have no interest in dating. I sadly still check Justin’s fb (even though I can’t see shit). I already deleted his number from my phone to save myself from him, stopped following him on snapchat. He’s essentially erased from my life. We weren't even in a real relationship why am I so broken? I know I have had a bad run the last few months... maybe it's just the last straw. Will I ever recover? Will I ever trust people again? I already have trust issues from the shit I went through in high school and now this too. I have had relationships in the past, real people I thought I loved and I never felt like this. Maybe because then it was on my terms? This time it was not on my terms... I just want to forget and regain my hope in humanity, love, and the possibility of a life partner. I know I sound like an over-dramatic millennial but this is how I feel and tbh idk if anyone reads this shit anyhow.

[purplerandi]

From butterflies in my stomach, To a knife stabbing my back

mcsa // why did you suddenly change into someone i dont know (via singlebiteofmemories-blog)

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me. And I know how much it hurt that I didn’t say it back, but… Damn it, this sucks for me, too.

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

How quietly we endure all that falls upon us.

Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns (via wordsnquotes)

[purplerandi]

Heartbreak

I swore I wouldn’t fall for him. I swore that I would guard my heart. I was expecting things to end but I wasn’t prepared for this. I asked Justin if he wanted to hang out this weekend half expecting him to say no or just say he's not interested in talking anymore any of those reasons would have been hard but I would get over it. I am very persistent cause fuck I like him. We had sex and things were fun I wanted more of that. Then he told me. He said “I have to tell you something,” I thought he was gonna tell me he slept with another girl on his trip to Denver. I was very wrong... he's apparently married and has a wife, granted he was separated but the fact that I didn’t know hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh and get this his ex is pregnant and he wants to try and be a “family” with her. I get it I really do but I can’t help but feel broken. My heart hurts, why am I so trusting? Why do I take peoples word as the truth? 

I just can’t handle any people with double lives who are liars and cheats. 

[purplerandi]

What are you fighting for?

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

nick & jess - favourite quotes

[purplerandi]

[purplerandi]

Skinny Love

As I sit here tonight listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver for some reason choosing to torture myself I miss the elusive Franklin. I have fallen for him unexpectedly and hard... I met him just a few weekends ago and I already feel as if he could be the one. 

I have been going on tinder dates for the past 2 years with a little luck and a few decent lays from some fuck boys but still feeling more alone than ever. I met Franklin at my friend Annies biking bar crawl. I thought he was kinda dorky in a cute way when I met him but honestly, for once I didn’t attend the event with expectations of meeting anyone. I just wanted to celebrate my friends birthday and have a good time.

We got to beer hive and I kinda got stuck sitting across from Franklin who I didn’t know very well. So naturally, I started talking to him and talking to him about brunch of all things. In a joking way, I said “Hey we should get brunch sometime” not being super serious because I had just met him. Then I proceeded to tell him how I didn’t want to drink a lot that night and he told me that was silly and proceeded to make a bet with me that I couldn’t guess his pet within 30 tries, I guessed on try 8 telling him that he owed me a beer.

As the night continued I was cautiously flirtatious because I had no idea if he was single, or taken, or just entirely an inappropriate person for me to be involved in. The group biked to Fisher Brewery where Annie really started to show off how drunk she was. Annie then asked Franklin if he had a crush on me and he seemed coy and didn’t want to answer the question. 

Soon the night ended and I went home, checked my FB and saw a friend request from him which I promptly accept and a message from him asking about Brunch. I figured why the hell not. We went to brunch, I was tired and nervous because everything was so new. He had mentioned wanting to go on a Wyoming run for been and I had nothing going on that day so I volunteered to go with him. We laughed and sang along to songs, got McFlurrys I really felt like I knew him and I liked what I saw. 

The next time we hung out I had asked him to come over for dinner then we could take a ride on his motorcycle. He kind of forgot about our plans and ran late. We then rode up the canyon close to sunset. I wanted to badly to kiss him but I couldn’t tell from his vibes if he wanted too or not. So we got back to my house I invited him inside, fed him. We sat on the couch and cuddled and talked. Finally, I got sick of waiting and kissed him.

His lips were soft and he felt familiar like we had kissed a million times before.  The next time we saw each other could probably be considered a booty call, but IDK if he intended that. He rode his bike over here at 12:30 PM, jumped over train tracks for me. We kissed and did everything but have sex till late in the night and early morning. If it wasn’t for a lack of condoms we definitely would have had sex. I am glad we didn’t because it makes me giddy for when we do. 

But now I am just waiting, waiting for him to reciprocate. He doesn’t text alot, all I have to work off of is in person experience and I am trying my hardest to keep my cool. I am failing miserably I just want to spend as much time as possible with him. I don’t want to loose him. I am afraid that if he doesn’t like me or decides to leave it might break me, Is that love? Can it happen so fast? Or is it just a hard like at the moment? 

[purplerandi]

not even in a sexual way but i’m just craving affection because i feel like crap i just want someone to hug me for a couple of hours and tell me i’m going to be okay 

[purplerandi]

shitty weekend

I don’t know what to title this. I have had a real shitty weekend. I have been dumped on my ass lost out on the house hunt. I am just sick and tired of being alone. 

[purplerandi]

Outsider in SLC

So I have been living in Salt Lake City for about 6 months now and I still don’t feel like I belong. I am not Mormon, and honestly I don’t super affiliate with any sort of religion. My whole life I made friends easily and I thought that SLC would be more or less the same thing. Boy was I wrong! From my very first day on the job I got asked “are you mormon” if I had known better at the time I would of lied my ass off and said “yes of course!” But I didn’t know better and I was under the assumption that I would get judged on my character rather than what god I believe in. 

Overall I have found mormons to be some of the most judgmental and hateful people I have ever met and I think thats saying something considering I have had some pretty shitty experiences in my past with customer service jobs, friendships, relationships, etc. Now before a stranger even begins to know me they automatically assume that I

1. Drink Excessively.

2. Have no regard for anyone but myself (essentially I am criminal).

3. Drink Coffe (GASP!) 

4. Sleep around.

5. I am a heathen to society and I will kill mankind.

6. I am a liar and can not be trusted.

7. Overall not someone worth respecting.

8. I did not take 2 years off to go on a mission and convert people to the Mormon faith. 

9. I don’t wear holy mormon underwear.

10. Because I am a woman I am seen as lesser by their religion (AKA my worth is nothing more than a child caretaker and baby making machine.)

All of these things I have a HUGE problem with... I don’t believe who a person is, is defined by religion and I have a big problem when something like religion interferes with how people view me as a person. Now if someone gets to know me and my character and still hates me fine thats their decision but for someone to automatically dislike me based on 1 question, without knowing who I am... I have a problem with that. 

I am not saying I hate Mormons cause I don’t. I just wish they wouldn’t be so quick to judge and the could open their minds to the fact that not everyone grew up in SLC in a perfect LDS family their whole life. Or if they could just accept that other cultures have value too not just Mormon Culture. I try to ask questions about their Culture because I want to understand but I get nothing but rude undertones and snotty comments like “ Why don’t you just google it”... I am trying to understand who you are... not find directions to the local temple. Give me a break I have been here 6 months theres no way I can know all the in’s and out’s of being a mormon.

I really wish I felt at home here because I love the skiing, food, outdoor activities, bars and even my job. However the people here make it unbearable, I have never felt less welcome in Utah. Mormons you win. I’ll stop being a heathen to your society i’ll leave.