purposlyconfused

[purposlyconfused]

Been 7-months and many changes

First off where has the time gone, I feel like the last time I was writing about the new guy it was winter. And now here we are in summer vacation and I have moved 40 mins away from where I lived for a few years. INSANE!

It has been 7 months of dating my amazing person and I couldn't imagine life any differently. There has been ups and downs as we did have our big fight just about a month or so ago. We worked hard and made it out and created a healthy communication style and been working through my trauma of the EX... this new guy has shown me that intimacy is not just sex. It is being able to cuddle up on the couch together after a long and hard day, to be able to give each other a long lasting hug during the day. Giving frequent kisses and making flirty comments. Never in my life I thought intimacy could be something other than sex, and still feel fulfilled in my intimate portion of my relationship. Quality time also being a level of intimacy as you share things you both enjoy or show each other what your passionate about. He is truly the best and I have grown in such a positive way and so has he. We definitely make each other the best versions of ourselves.

Now... the big change! Back in March my partner came to me with the question of living with him as both our leases would be up and thought we were ready for the big step. Cost of living is insane and he is rarely home due to his work lifestyle so I said why not! And of course I would be able to see you more which is amazing and I would feel more fulfilled in my relationship with being able to see him more. I honestly thought it was insane because we have dated only a short while... even my family had their concerns but my close friends encouraged it as they thought he was this great guy and we are so good together. I was afraid to live with another man... I never wanted to do it again after my ex as it was a horrible experience and left me feeling broken and mental health was deteriorated. I knew spending 5 days at a time with my partner was amazing but giving up my comfort of my OWN home and sharing a home with someone else again would be quite the transition. Spending more time at his apartment I was warming up more to the idea of living in a new place with him and enjoyed the out of city lifestyle. When it was time to move all my furniture and boxes in, I was super excited but also secretly terrified because what if I made the wrong decision? What if I don't like having all my stuff here and want to go back but now my home is gone. And so, after the moving was done and everyone went home, I bursted into tears. Upset that my other apartment was empty and all my stuff is moved so easily (easy to pack up your life)...expressing to my partner and new roommate that I am terrified that if this doesn't work out then where will I live? What if we get in a big fight? What if I loose myself again? So many what ifs.... but he just held me and made sure I felt validated and comforted. He knew it was a good idea and that we are great at living together. That everything will be okay and things will settle soon. Honestly, feeling validated was the best emotion that one can have. Making you feel not crazy and not being gaslight because you have an honest concern and someone doesn't create a fight over it. I got really lucky and I believe we remind each other each day of how lucky we are and how much love we have.

As I continue to live with him for the first week, its scary because our intimacy seems different this week but thats because he is working and I am not because I am on summer vacation. Lucky me, I have to find hobbies to keep my mind occupied because if not I am left with my own thoughts and worries.... does he think I am fat? Not sexy? Why is not kissing me more? Does he not want to have sex because he is masturbating or finding it else where? But then I talk myself off the ledge because he treats me so well when he gets home, makes me feel loved... its just that this is the first summer I am not working and I have told myself of the hobbies I want to try this summer.... gardening, puzzles, colouring, video games, reading etc....

crazy what the mind is capable of when life slows down and your left with your thoughts...

Hopefully write again soon before 3-4 months happen down the line haha.

[purposlyconfused]

Breaking Down the Walls.

Last night was the first night that I finally cracked my shell open and just cried in his arms about all my worries this month about us and just life. And he expressed his concerns and worries too. Who said alcohol isn't a stimulant about opening up. It was near the end of the night, alcohol was wearing off but it felt so right to finally be open.

He listened to me express that I am proud of us for navigating his crazy shift work but its going well. And then I just broke down that I am afraid I may not see him lots due to his shift changes and my school and work lift balance. He then comforted me saying that we have been doing really well with seeing each other on my days off all month. We are killing it and it will be okay. I did tell him that I would like to have it so we can see each other weekly and he agreed to it thank goodness haha. He communicated that on his two days off he may not be able to hang out as he will be switching to days and won't be much fun to be around and with squeezing in band practices. I knew his life style before saying yes to him. I would always tell him that we would make it work and we are flexible and make time.

I then communicated with him that I have been strong for him all month because I haven't been wanting to spook him about my over thinking of our relationship as he has been timid. As we are settling into this new lifestyle of being with someone, we are going to be more communicative about our feelings and not be so scared to share. After expressing to him that I am exhausted from being strong this month and this has all been going on in my head, he understood completely and we were able to come together on it. Later on in the night we connected like we never have before. The kisses were passionate, the way our pressed harder and harder into each other and the way we had sex... was nothing like I have ever experienced with him. Emotional connection and sex is the best feeling ever and it honestly was the best sex that I have had with him. And he agreed that it was the best.

Breaking down walls, making each other facebook girlfriend and boyfriend, falling for each other... is so amazing.

He may just be my person and I believe I am his.

Until next time... the dark corner internet. I hope your enjoying my experiences of this new dating life style of 21's century.

[purposlyconfused]

Its been a month...

It has officially been one month since dating my boyfriend.

I have many mixed feelings as we have dated in the past for a week but felt it was too much pressure so decided to stay friends and get to know each other in a casual setting before being GF and BF. Honestly, when he asked me to be his girlfriend I was concerned that after a week he would call me and say I don't want to be with you. He never did, time has been flying by and feels effortless. I definitely believe in love at first sight with this man. I believe that I have loved him for more than a month but I am afraid to express it as he hasn't been in a relationship in 7 years and he can still be a bit timid. We are taking things kind of slow... but not? Its confusing. He has almost said " I love you" when we were finishing a phone call and then I bugged him about it as he was going to say it first but then he stopped himself and said its a habit because I do it with my family, friends, and band mates. He responded after this comment that its only been a month so no, I am not there. But then just last night he expressed that his feelings for going deeper for me, which I was so over joyed as he was opening up to me.

Now, in this month he has met my brother and sister in law as my parents are away in California and won't meet him till they come back. BUT! I have met his family kinda sooner than I wanted but I am so glad I did. Last weekend, him and I were suppose to have a date and then he forgot that he had a family dinner so he invited me because he believed he was ready for me to meet them and thought I would be a perfect fit. I was so worried they wouldn't like me and would think I was not good enough for their son. Near the end of the dinner, his brother invited me out to Lamont to spend time with them and his mom was feeling up my skirt because she liked it so much. Honestly, after meeting his family and spending more time with them... makes me fall more and more in love with this man. And I can sense he is falling for me too. The way he looks at me, kisses me, grabs my hand, won't stop cuddling me as we sleep and just tells me how proud of me.

After many toxic, abusive, and manipulative relationships I didn't know I could have a man like him. Someone to express my mental health too and someone to just listen and to not just solve it and say, "Oh get over it". He is empathetic, kind, caring and loving. I didn't know if I was worthy enough of this kind of partnership. This whole month I was waiting for a red flag, another shoe to drop or him to call it quits. But we have both agreed that we are stuck together and continue to build a relationship that will last. We have started to knock down some walls together, he has asked me for emotional support with his drinking and he has requested for me to lean on him some more when I am over thinking or getting anxious/overwhelmed with anything. I am scared to be vulnerable and let someone into my broken brain and thoughts as I am afraid he will run away. As at times he has brought up my anxiety as he is concerned with how I will respond in social situations and I remind him that I have dealt with this my whole life and I am now medicated.... and going to counseling so I do have my own strategies. However, I told him that I loved his support and look forward to opening up to him and vice versa.

How could I ever earn so much happiness from one person, so much joy, comfort from hearing his voice as he breathes into the phone and tells me everything will be alright. That not being physically present isn't everything, that just the sound of his voice, a text message or just knowing I can run to him for salvation.

[purposlyconfused]

First Holiday Season SINGLE and living ALONE

Well this is the first year EVER that I have lived alone and been single. Usually I have lived alone and had a partner or lived with my family and been single.

So, I felt neutral about being single for the holidays. Saving money on gifts because I didn't have a partner to buy for and spending more time with family as I didn't have to juggle two families this holiday season. But as I approached the days leading up to Christmas I began to feel more lonely, sad, and mushy. My mother was worried about me and invited me to stay with my grandmother, my father and her for christmas eve and christmas night. I wasn't too sure but I agreed and so thankful that I did! It was nice to have my loved ones around me and I got more visiting in with my family that I have been wanting and needing.

I tried to stay off dating apps and just talk to friends and family if need be. As I feel my judgement was clouded with misery if I was on dating apps. I felt proud of myself that I didn't feed into the loneliness. And so, as the holidays wrapped up and I went back to my house I was thankful to have my own space again and to not share. There is something about living alone and being able to just be in quiet and not feel forced to talk to anyone. OR feel bad that your not interacting with them. SO this holiday season wasn't as bad as I thought and I had lots of enjoyement with my family. And no I go have a girls night for New Years Eve, but I don't really go all out for this night but I do like to spend time with people. As I have been feeling socialed out, I am feeling tentative about spending New Years with others and maybe just sitting in my bath tub with wine and then going to bed at a reasonable hour haha.

[purposlyconfused]

The on-and-off boyfriend

It has been a few months since I have written on this page and its been a fucking journey.

I have been on dating apps for a few months now since the past boyfriend lets call him Jeff post broke things off with me and wanted to be friends for a while. I have worked hard to move past him but the more I wanted to text him, make plans with him and see him at parties... made me want him more. I had tried to date numerous men and none compared to him. Until I found someone off Hinge that I thought would be something special. Until Jeff found out that I was seeing said person. When we were at a party together. He would ask questions if we were serious and if anything has happened between us but nothing had. After a few drinks he expressed that he was jealous that I was with this person and I expressed that I was jealous that he was texting this stripper that he was interested in. And then... as most drunk people with crazy chemistry do.... they make out. I continued to build the boundary that I will not have sex with you unless you want to be with only me. He then in his drunk state asked if I wanted to try to give us another shot. I then continued to explain to him that when we are both sober we can talk about it. We then decided to go to bed for the night still not passing the kissing stage of intimacy. We eventually went to sleep and a few hours later when we woke up, he smiled at me. He hugged me really tight and asked if we could give it another shot. I then asked if he was sober and he said yes. He and I kissed passionately as I said yes. After confirming our feelings for each other we finally had sex together since October and it was amazing.

We then cuddled in bed and he wanted to show me some of his videos off of his social media and just continued to be smitten. I told him that I needed to go for a walk with the hinge guy but that it will be short and I will be right back, that he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted in the apartment. As I was out for my walk, I was counting the minutes till I could go back to the apartment and be with Jeff. When I got back I just wanted to kiss him for hours and not let go. I told him I missed him and I could feel that he was melting in my arms. I think we finally figured our shit out and maybe I finally got the man of my dreams? Later on he had to leave for another event and that I would see him later. We both agreed that we wouldn't tell much people about this new development as we didn't want it to get jinxed or ruined with peoples opinions or meddling. So it was kinda sexy, being under the radar with him.

When seeing him at the event, my heart was going so fast. I was so excited to watch him do what he loved and he was amazing. I loved watching him interact with his friends and peers. It made me so happy that he was happy. When it was time for us to leave, my girlfriend that came with me to the event left ahead of me and I stayed back to give Jeff a quick kiss on the cheek. I can't stop thinking about him. Just like I couldn't stop thinking about him for a few months since we decided to be friends up till this point.

I continued to explain to him that you have to be with me for real, that I will not be happy if you come to me in a week to tell me that you have changed your mind and don't want to be with me. He confirmed he will not do that and will communicate if he is overthinking things. As I was hurt before and will not be again. Jeff seems more sure this time round and I expressed to him that I am not an idiot and know how much you care about me and same with me to him. Jeff explained that he has seen how much care and love I have showed him in the past few months and how much he has fallen for me. He has asked me many times to be his girlfriend but I am scared to say yes. I am scared that if I say yes, it will be short term and I will be heartbroken eventually. I have sadly not expressed this to anyone not even Jeff. Hopefully I can soon because I do really want to put labels on us, I am just afraid of commitment and getting hurt. And as I have ended things with the hinge person, I have not told Jeff yet and would really like to tell him in person that I only want to be with him and that I am all in. As I am a hopeless romantic and cheesy person.

I have not told many people about this huge novel of a story, as we are keeping it on the DL. But the friends that I have told are very supportive and agree with me that we shouldn't announce it to the world yet. It hurts that I cannot tell more people as I am so excited. I have missed writing on my page and missed expressing my feelings to the black obis of the internet. As I feel many people do not read this.

[purposlyconfused]

I have a boyfriend.... now what?

It has been a while since I have written anything. I did not know where to start. I spent a month or so with online dating and that was a disaster. Either I would find men that would just want to have sex with me, go on a first date with me, and then say they are too busy with work or just lose interest. It made me feel foolish because some of these guys I was actually very into. Met a man off Bumble who finally made me feel like we had a real connection and everything felt great, chatted over Snapchat for a week. He was nice, respectful, kind, handsome but also very horny when chatting at night (shocker). Eventually, I gave up on him when my best friend set me up with my now boyfriend.

And so, here is the story! When I broke up with my ex, my best friend comes up to me and says I have a man for you. I said oh sureeee, but wasn't ready to meet or know him till the end of October. After having enough with online dating, and shitty men... I was ready for this magical man that she spoke about. She told me his name, how old he was, his hobbies, personality, and his values. I was 100% on board and was excited to meet him. The best part was that they have been best friends for 11 years and never dated, so I knew it would be fine and after many discussions with my best friend I knew I could trust both of them, and no one would hurt me.

SO! I found him on Instagram and followed him. I responded to his story and then we just got to chatting. He was so sweet, and his tone through messages was so genuine and kind. I knew then and there, my friend was right with how great he was. Later on that week, my friend threw a Halloween party and invited both of us. I finally met him in person. I was not sure if I would be attracted to him or not but I wanted to try. His costume was so fricken cute as he was Argle from stranger things and I was Rosie the Riveter. I felt hot AF and ready to hang out with him at the party. I felt we hit it off instantly and I couldn't get enough of him. At one point in the night, we started being more flirtatious, cuddly, etc... he had to go out to his car to get his bedding so we could all stay the night after drinking. When we were outside alone, I took this opportunity to kiss him. I caved into his arms and he leaned down and kissed me. We were drunk but felt so right. Then we were making out.... then interrupted by our mutual friend. She came out and was like is everything okay? But then she saw we were making out and was all excited and knew that we were really digging each other. Later on in the night, we were all getting ready for bed and I realized that I didn't need to sleep in my sleeping bag and that I could have a real bed. My mutual friend said that both I and her guy friend could share the bed. I 100% said yes and he agreed too so I was excited. We cuddled and shared kisses all night, it was so fricken great. I was in heaven!

And so we went on a few dates and hung out during the week. We slept together, laughed together, went on walks, etc. But we never actually sat down and talked to each other and learned about each other. And that there was a big problem, how can I call him my boyfriend if I know nothing about him?!

[purposlyconfused]

I finally blocked him

FINALLY! After a whole month of talking back and forth of finalizing the apartment, shared finances and bills... we finally became disconnected enough so I could block him out of my life. Boy did it feel good. I am incredibly relieved that he is out of my life and I don't have to communicate with him anymore. I have sent a message out to my family members that if he reaches out to them to not respond as he has not been very kind and is starting to come across in harassing mannerisms. As one of my sister-in-law says that harassment is illegal and damn right it is. I am so glad that my family has backed me up. Thank god its over!!

[purposlyconfused]

Back to the apartment

Long time no chat readers. I have now moved back into the apartment that I once shared with my ex-spouse. Feels like a big relief to be back in my space and to have full control of what I do in my space and how I decorate/treat it. I do not have anyone getting mad at me for doing something wrong or cleaning something in the wrong way. I have also re-stocked the kitchen with healthy meal and snack choices, which I am so excited about! I love the idea of not working around anyone's pickiness of eating what I buy.

Many family, friends, and psychology professionals have stated that I shouldn't move back into the place where my abuser and I once were. But honestly, I don't mind it so far. Yes, it has only been a few days but I love this apartment and I do not attach it to those bad memories. I worked hard to enjoy the new space with the new furniture and using both sides of the walk-in closet. AND I finally get to use my dresser and not some stupid cube-hanging clothing organizer. I definitely feel that I have made a good choice moving forward.

As I move stuff around the apartment I find more and more of his stuff that he has left behind and I feel this rush of happiness as I get to throw it out or donate it. As I have told him that you need to have your stuff gone by Friday and if it isn't gone, then it's being donated.

Ah the life of a single woman, having anyone over that I please, cooking what ever I want, watching what ever I want, and wearing what ever I want! This is a beautiful life to live.

[purposlyconfused]

Moving forward thoughts

Well since my last post, I have been having thoughts on moving forward and creating a new life for myself.

I have started researching new hobbies such as dancing, pottery, and cooking classes. I have had thoughts about career changes and what I need to do to get into a new career (finances, how long post-secondary will be, and willingness to pick a brand new field). So far I have settled on dancing classes and will start next Friday evening as a sample class. Not sure what to expect but to know that I will be trying partner dancing for the first time since junior high school. I have been planning trips in my brain and how much it will all cost as I will have to start paying bills on my own in September as I start to move back into the apartment. Creating a space that is just for me :).

I go through highs and lows of excitement for the new single life. I also think to myself about dating and exploring my 20's a bit more. Expanding my horizons and meeting new people in friends or romantic ways. I will be seeing my counselor tomorrow and hopefully we can work on some things that can be beneficial for me until I feel comfortable by myself and not in the vulnerable head space where I would date anyone. I want to learn to love myself first and know healthy vs non-healthy relationships. Can't wait to see what singlehood brings!

[purposlyconfused]

Seeing a psychologist stage of breakup

I waited to see my psychologist after my break up. She tried to squeeze me in when she came back from vacation but timelines didn't work out so I stuck with my original session date.

I sat down in the peaceful room and got comfy on the couch. She had a face of concern and wanted to know what brought me to the session. And so, I word-vomited what has been going on in the past 6 months that I didn't even tell her about and I see her regularly. I tell her I broke up with my spouse and left him. I explain how he emotionally abused me, manipulated me, pushed me farther into a depression, financially put me in a sinkhole that I will work hard to get out of, and lowered my self-confidence and self-worth. She seemed shocked and surprised that she didn't know any of this was happening. I reassured her that this man made me believe that I couldn't go to counseling and vent about my relationship and gain insight from a professional. That none of my friends and family knew what was happening. After the story was finished, she told me how proud she was of me to leave him and not go back. To set the firm boundaries of making sure everything is out of the apartment at the end of the month and if it isn't I am throwing it out. She supported me through it all and wanted to help me through the trauma and breakup that I am going through.

Near the end of the session, she asked what I would like to do forward. I told her I want to work hard on finding myself again, loving myself, looking at myself in the mirror, and telling myself that I am beautiful and worth it. I am wanting to learn to not bounce back into a relationship right away after a breakup and to know how to build up my independence again. I told her I was on dating apps and wanted to gain mens attention. She told me to stop window shopping and delete the dating apps. And so, I did. I felt better. I wanted to do what she said and learn to do it right. She asked me how long I felt it was a good time to be single and when I would feel ready for a relationship. I told her 6 to 7 months I would like to give myself. She found that healthy and agreed that I would find that beneficial. As for the dating apps or reaching out to men to go on dates, she has mentioned that 1 to 2 months would give me time to reconnect with myself and heal from my ex.

I am looking forward to going to counseling more regularly and building myself up again. I deserve the best life possible. Keep reminding myself of that.

[purposlyconfused]

Figuring out casual dating today

As I go on some dates here and there or start conversations with new men. I am thinking... are they interested in marriage, are they wanting kids, would they be a long term partner? I do not want to waste my time anymore after having two terrible relationships back to back. So... I am taking my time and enjoying my exercises, reconnecting with friends and family, enjoying getting back into reading and other hobbies.

Being a woman in society it is a big pressure to find a partner, have children, get married, and take care of the family and home. I have the need to fulfill these needs for my parents and siblings so I can continue on the family line. It is challenging to put these thoughts away while I casually date until I am ready for another boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. As I am not ready for such a thing, many men that have been single for a while are ready for a relationship and pressuring I should want to jump in. But as I continue to remind people that I am just not ready, I feel guilty for rejecting these men. As I want to people please, I need to fight this need. To listen to my heart and wait till I feel ready. And so, I continue to casually date and have fun flirting till then.

Being single can be complicated....

[purposlyconfused]

Options of suiters

Casual dating...having men interested in me. It is intriguing to me that I have options of who I can or want to date. I have never had these options before, I am used to men not communicating their sexual desires for me or how attractive they find me. Learning that I deserve a great man and deserved to be desired.

I have had a recent conversation with a past man that I used to have a more sexual relationship with. Years later we reconnect and he wants a relationship with me, to be exclusive. Now I thought I wanted this, but as I have another guy I am dating and he has not asked for exclusivity I am not sure how to come to a conclusion. One man wants exclusivity and another man is more chill and has not had a conversation about focusing just on us. To be tied down by a man right away after getting out of a relationship is not in the cards right now. I am enjoying being single and casually dating with seeing what kind of men are out there. I don't need to have sex with all of them but it would be nice to flirt and talk with other men to see if there is anything in common or if nothing is there. As I grow older I am using more emotions with dating than the lust feature of dating. I feel the need to build an emotional connection before sex and to feel comfortable with them in that sense before I jump in the deep end.

And so as I navigate the suiters I am learning to nail down who I want to focus on when I am ready to date one person casually and see how it goes. But I am enjoying just being on my own right now since it has been almost 3 weeks now since the break-up.

[purposlyconfused]

Being okay with being alone

There are times lately since the break up that I have hated being alone. I hated being alone with my thoughts, my feelings of sadness and guilt from the relationship ending because I broke up with him, and finding something for myself to enjoy.

These are the moments where I will reach out to friends, family, and guys who I am interested in. To keep my mind distracted on something else so I don't have to be left alone with what is in my own mind. I want there to be happiness when I am alone so I can be okay with not talking to someone all the time. I know this will take a long time to get used to as I have lived with someone for almost 2 years. I know I can do it. When I am alone I remind myself that I can always go back to my hobbies of reading, photography, movies, walks, and rock climbing. But in that moment I always feel a sense of dread because I have to do it alone. And so, I spam text people to see who wants to chat or who wants to do something with me. To fill that fear of being alone.

Filling the fear of being alone by drowning out my thoughts with journalling, playing guitar, or using Spotify for music and podcasts. Having some sort of constant stimulation because if I don't I am afraid of falling deeper into my depression and grievances of my break up. I am afraid to heal and deal with the emotions head-on, and want to just shove it all down and move on. But I know, that is not healthy and wise. I need to give myself time to heal before getting emotionally invested in another guy. To give myself grace in this hard process and to be open-minded to dating eventually. To step out of the comfort zone that was built for me in those 2.5 years that I am having such a hard time breaking out of. Here we go, we can work hard and make it through. When I reach the end of this tragedy I will tell myself, " I can't believe I made it."

[purposlyconfused]

Monday as I continue to figure my shit out

Well, here we go again, another day in the life of being single and continuously attempting to figure out what I want or need. As frustration continues with the ex of him always texting me to see how I am doing and seeing if he can do anything to support me. I continue to ignore and try my best to keep the peace until I get to live in my own space once again. Who knew you could continue to have your words thrown against you after you asked such a simple question. Can you let me know if you change your moving date? As my ex responded that is me evicting him out early and me trying to figure out what he is doing. As he is sending me mixed signals as well. As well as him wanting to leave his couch there and pick it up in September as maybe a way to reconnect with me later on. I have told him, I have changed my mind and want it gone when he leaves and hands over the keys. He responded in a way that should make me feel guilty and bring pity on him. But I won't... I won't give in to this behavior as I have done for the past 2.5 years. I am done. I so badly want this awful man out of my life and to move on to a peaceful and energized new lifestyle. To delete the number, block him on every contact possible. To write a letter to truly show him how much he has hurt me and ruined my self-worth.... self-confidence. That I am intimated to be loved by someone new and to be found attractive by a new man. Because I think I am worthless in any romantic relationship. As I will crave intimacy and emotional connection in silence as I am afraid to communicate openly to ask what I truly want... instead of starting an argument and ruining everything.

I continue to get messages from guys to tell me how attractive I am, how beautiful my eyes are, and how they love my curves... but I honestly cannot see the beauty in my own body. I need to take the time to find the beauty in myself. I hate that my ex took that away from me. He took away my confidence thinking no one will find me sexy, hot, beautiful, and want to be with me. That I need to cover up every inch of my skin to be "his woman". Only he would be the one to discover what's underneath the clothes. I want to show off my skin as I have been hiding it for so long.

As the journey continues.

[purposlyconfused]

Online Dating

Well, I guess it's that time when I want to feel the need to explore online dating. It has been almost 3 years since I have been on dating websites/apps and boy it has been a journey and it has only been 2 days.

Chosen the apps Hinge and Plenty of Fish to explore because why not try something new. When first creating the profiles they want to know if you are divorced, widowed or just single. Next would be if you have kids or want kids. Then you put your occupation and how much money you get per year so they match you with someone to your economic class I assume? So then the last step is to put up the pictures. Most want 3 to 6 pictures. And honestly, it felt like a lot and I feel like online dating has changed a lot.

Now is the time to swipe right and swipe left on men that I wish to date or message. At first, none of the men seemed interesting enough to actually send a message to and see what they are like. I have had many odd people sending messages about sexual interactions, commenting on my body, and not truly trying to be respectful and get to know who I am. I feel I would like to keep trying as I continue to explore dating. Mmm will give it a month and then reflect once more.

Good luck to those on those interesting dating apps!

[purposlyconfused]

Exploring being single

Nothing like going to bed in so much room that I can roll where I want, and starfish. But there is some nights where I wish someone was there to hold me, tell me goodnight and kiss me as I fall asleep. And waking up in silence and getting out of bed when I want too and not forced to stay longer in bed or wake up to soon on a Sunday morning.

Last week I went on my first date after 2.5 years of being in a relationship. My best friend who I have been friends with since 2020, showed romantic interest in me and I agreed to go on a official first date with him. It was exciting and nerve-wracking. I thought all day about what I was going to wear, what make-up I will use, and what I would do with my hair. Before he picked me up I was on the phone with my other best friend and explaining to her how nervous I was. She asked me why? I responded well, it has been a while and what if I fall on my face. She made sure I felt confident and had a safe get away if things didn't go well. But as soon as my best friend picked me up for our date, I was instantly calm when I saw his face. Knowing everything was going to be okay. He told me how beautiful I looked and how excited he was. Our plan was to start at a plant conservatory and explore the various pyramids. It was a beautiful date as we slowly walked through and held hands. We would stop and admire the plants and then slowly kiss each other which made the evening so romantic. Throughout the evening we shared conversations about our values, past memories, and shared interests. I explained to him I was starving and instead of becoming and annoyed and frustrated he offered different restaurants we could go to. He asked if I was in the mood for sushi and of course, I was on board as sushi is delicious! It was lovely, we shared various types of sushi and I felt it was shared equally and he always checked in if I wanted more food or if I was all done. I felt full and satisfied with dinner so we paid the bill and headed out. Near the end of the night, we ventured to his place as we have hung out there before so I felt comfortable with the idea. I was looking forward to kissing, cuddling, and feeling each other's bodies. It was amazing to feel desired, wanted and cared for. He listened to my needs, wants, and desires.

Nothing like finding a person who is better for you than the last.

[purposlyconfused]

Entering Singlehood

I always thought about putting my brain's thoughts on paper was healthy so here we go. After 2.5 years of being in a relationship and then finding out that it was very emotionally abusive, and finding the power in me to leave my partner was very hard. At first, it broke my heart and now I find it liberating to find my own self again. Getting the freedom to wear what I want, talk to who I want, spend time with who I want, watch any show I want, or even eat whatever I want. I feel I have been lost these past 2.5 years and was never able to truly find myself. But here we are, starting the journey.

It has been a week since I left him, he messages me non-stop asking and manipulating me to take him back. But I will never go back. He lives in the apartment we shared as I live with family until he moves out. Hoping each day that he will follow his plan to move out at the end of August and I finally get my home back. My comfort. My happy place. He tells me that he has moved belongings that remind him of me to better help him to move on. Covering my TV with a blanket so he doesn't have to know that TV belongs to me.

As the days go on and I have moved on with my life already. He tries to send me messages to make me feel guilty and as I don't respond he will then send messages of appreciation. Not knowing how I should respond, I continue to ignore it. I continue to worry that I hope to return to the apartment of how I left it. I think I have been done with this person for quite some time and have fallen out of love and have already moved on months ago...

I continue to find myself in my new identity of being single. I have men reaching out to me telling me that they like me, think I am attractive, and think I am a catch. But all I can think of is...they don't want anything but my body. Until I had a friend of mine express his emotions to me about how he has been interested in me for quite some time but waited till I was single. I was unsure what to make of it, as we have a great friendship. But I honestly love spending more time with him, the way he kisses, the way he is taller than me and towers over me, the way he holds my body so tight that he will never let me go. I love the way he looks deep into my eyes and is trying to tell me something deeper. As we continue to get to know each other on a more romantic level, he is just proving to me that I deserve the best and that he wants to offer that to me. He continues to tell me, "I want you".