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Some family came and gave me and another worker an entire watermelon (cut up already) because they decided they didn’t want it anymore. 

Guess who the fuck is eating watermelon and updating blogs today?

This guy.

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Where is your god now?

Shit happens

Alright ya’ll. I came in on the 3rd to work a 4:30-9 shift. I come in, and me and C are working together again. Cool. Not even 10 minutes into our shift, a man comes up to our window and says, “Someone shit in the floor of the mens bathroom. I stepped in it and my grandson almost did too.” I kinda felt my brain short circuit. Excuse me? What? Dude wait, I ain’t even had 2 sips of my coffee. I just blinked at him and stuttered out something along the lines of, “Oh, uh, well, I don’t know why people do that. I guess….I guess I’ll tell our boss…”

So I message G and I had no idea how to even word this in a professional way. So I sent,

“So, I’m working PuttPutt and some man just told us someone went #2 in the Mens bathroom. What do we do?”

Read at 4:48.

Me and C are thinking like, some little kid had an accident or something. Whatever. So C decides he’s gonna go look at it. He comes back, looking horrified. He showed me a picture. Guys. It was orange. C told me it was A LOT. There were footprints where the dude stepped in it, it was smeared all over the floor and wall. He said it smelt so bad he gagged and couldn’t be in there long.

We see G heading towards the bathroom, and in that moment, I realized, I forgot to mention it was a shit in the floor. Not like, a clogged toilet. G took two steps into the bathroom and backtracked faster than anyone I had ever seen. Me and C are peering out the last window like, “We are so sorry G.”

That man, that poor, poor man. He was in there (with gloves) using toilet paper, trashbags, a mop, and shock chemicals from the pool to get rid of all of it. Soon enough, there’s a knock on the PuttPutt door.

We let him in. He is traumatized. All I could say is, “I don’t know why people do that.” He just nodded and looks at us. “Did you see it?” C says he did.

“Did you see the clothes?”

OKAY WAIT. Clothes? What? Apparently, in the back area, someone had taken off all their clothes either to shit on them, or to use them to clean up. Put apparently one sock was full of shit like some kind of human waste sock mace. I could only wonder:

If their clothes are in there, where are they at?

So, if you see someone, covered in orange shit and naked running around, let me know.

Actually don’t.

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Shit happens

Alright ya’ll. I came in on the 3rd to work a 4:30-9 shift. I come in, and me and C are working together again. Cool. Not even 10 minutes into our shift, a man comes up to our window and says, “Someone shit in the floor of the mens bathroom. I stepped in it and my grandson almost did too.” I kinda felt my brain short circuit. Excuse me? What? Dude wait, I ain’t even had 2 sips of my coffee. I just blinked at him and stuttered out something along the lines of, “Oh, uh, well, I don’t know why people do that. I guess….I guess I’ll tell our boss…”

So I message G and I had no idea how to even word this in a professional way. So I sent,

“So, I’m working PuttPutt and some man just told us someone went #2 in the Mens bathroom. What do we do?”

Read at 4:48.

Me and C are thinking like, some little kid had an accident or something. Whatever. So C decides he’s gonna go look at it. He comes back, looking horrified. He showed me a picture. Guys. It was orange. C told me it was A LOT. There were footprints where the dude stepped in it, it was smeared all over the floor and wall. He said it smelt so bad he gagged and couldn’t be in there long.

We see G heading towards the bathroom, and in that moment, I realized, I forgot to mention it was a shit in the floor. Not like, a clogged toilet. G took two steps into the bathroom and backtracked faster than anyone I had ever seen. Me and C are peering out the last window like, “We are so sorry G.”

That man, that poor, poor man. He was in there (with gloves) using toilet paper, trashbags, a mop, and shock chemicals from the pool to get rid of all of it. Soon enough, there’s a knock on the PuttPutt door.

We let him in. He is traumatized. All I could say is, “I don’t know why people do that.” He just nodded and looks at us. “Did you see it?” C says he did.

“Did you see the clothes?”

OKAY WAIT. Clothes? What? Apparently, in the back area, someone had taken off all their clothes either to shit on them, or to use them to clean up. Put apparently one sock was full of shit like some kind of human waste sock mace. I could only wonder:

If their clothes are in there, where are they at?

So, if you see someone, covered in orange shit and naked running around, let me know.

Actually don’t.

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Guess who’s working a full shift on 4th of July? 

Oh boi. 

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Welcome to the park my friends. 

(In case you’re wondering, no, they didn’t leave early, just raised the chemical levels.)

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I Love Crushing Kids Dreams

I want to give some back story real quick. I worked from about 6-9 yesterday. I was covering for someone that hadn’t showed up. (It was C, if you remember me and him dealing with Donnie Thornberry. However, his girlfriend B was marked down as vacation for this week. He went with her but they forgot to mark him down, so no one worked then, BUT ME, GET THAT CASH FLOW) 

So, I wasn’t actually scheduled to work. No problem though, I want that paycheck bro. I get there, things are slow AF. BUT THEN THERE IS THIS ONE KID, THIS LITTLE TURD.

Our first conversation went along the lines of:

Grandma: *Comes to first window* Can I get a putt please?

Me: Yeah sure, one second. *gives her the stuff*

Little shit and first random friend of the day: I wanna play putt putt!! Give me a ball!! Give me! Give me a putt!! Hurry!! My friend wants one too!! Can I have one! I want to play! Give me a ball!!! Hey!! (I’m not shitting you, all the while trying to climb through the window.)

Me:....Your grandma has them...

And of course he wanted to play every color of ball we had, and wouldn’t be satisfied until he got the right one. It’s a freaking golf ball, take it and leave. 

 He was the kind to demand things from me, and also was the kind to play for 3 minutes, throw the club and ball back through the window (THROW), come back, demand to play again (No please or thank you), get a club and ball for him, only to come back a minute later and ask for another putt and ball for ‘his friend’ (Some kind he drug with him from the playground), also, the main thing, trying to be funny, AKA, being a little smartass. He’d come to the window with the ball and be like, “Here ya go!” And when I go to reach for it, he’d yank it back and be like, “No, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!” 

Oh my Godddd wowwwww you’re just amazing, so funny, so original, child haha.IWillFuckingBreakYourArmsOffAndBeatYouWithThemYouLittleShitHahahaha. That was a real zinger. 

Anyway, little shit keep doing all these things, and when I would look out on the course to check and see where he’s at, he’d be beating the ground with the putt. 

Lovely.

 No. Really, please, do that, I love when our already shit putts are further made to more shit. 

So, anyway, 8:50 rolls around, and I have a family on the course, so I just shut the windows and wait for them to get done. I didn’t want to let anyone else on the course since it can take between 20-30 minutes to play the whole course, especially if they’re letting really little kids play, and I clock out/close at 9. 

Little shit is still there. I hear him throwing a tantrum to his grandma, saying he doesn’t want to go yet. (It’s getting dark????) 

“NO! I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE! I WANNA PLAY MORE!!” 

Followed by this lovely line. 

“IM GONNA PLAY PUTT PUTT!!” 

(Keep in mind, all windows are closed, we are technically closed dude)

I knew this little shits plan. 

‘If I play putt putt, then MY GRANDMA CAN’T TAKE ME HOME!! HAHA!” 

That’s where you’re wrong betch. 

He’s “played” like, 4-5 times now. I ain’t having this bro. Nope. I hear his grandma yelling at him not to do it, and sure enough, he comes running through the entrance gate of the course, around the back side. I casually turn away from the last window, pretending to check my phone. I figured if I didn’t look at him, he’d leave. Nope, he starts banging on the window. All my fucks are gone today. There is none left to give. I couldn’t even be bothered to put on my ‘happy’ putt putt voice. I just turned and stared at him with the most dead and salty look, before arching my brow as if to be like, “The fuck you want??” I knew what was coming, and I was very excited about it. 

“I WANNA PLAY PUTT PUTT!! GIMME A GOLF CLUB AND BALL!!!”

YOU FOOL! YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!

Not even an ounce of sorry, I just went. 

“We’re closed.”

I’m telling you, I saw this kids entire life of hope and dreams crash and burn. His face dropped, and his shoulders hunched up, pretty sure he almost started crying, before slowly walking away, as if he just couldn’t believe the world of putt putt wasn’t always open. 

Last thing I heard was his Grandma yell, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU??”

Damn straight Grandma, get it. 

(Disclaimer: If he had been nicer, and the grandma was alright with it, I would have let the boy play a quick last round. but no, you act like a little shit, you will be treated as such.)

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Also witnessed like, 4 kids faceplant today. It was nice.

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Caught in the Crossfire

So, like I mentioned, I worked a 12-9 today. About 20-30 minutes after I come in, this group of like 6 kids come to play on the play ground. whatever, knock ya selves out. 

Well, the young leader of this group, a small girl in a pink shirt, decided the best way to talk to her fellow children was at the highest volume, with the screechiest sound. Like, literally tantrum screaming for normal conversation. 

Now, I normally would have lost my mind, but as I listened to this cluster fuck of dying crows, I realized they were playing pretend. 

Some chunks that I made out are:

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOOOOO

ME AND JEREMY GOT THIS GO

GOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN

RUN FOREST

RUN LIKE FOREST GUMP

I’M HAVING A SERIZURE

THE ZOMBIES EXPLODE

GET TO THE HELICOPTER

THE SHIP, NO

Some kid screamed and just flopped down on the ground, idk

John needed to get his ass to the damn ship because of robots, but John said he has force fields. 

Some kid was yelling either that he was on fire, or the ship was, idk, 

Pink dressed girl started howling

Like, ya’ll, I don’t know what the fuck was happening, but it was lit. 

Also, the girl, while screaming, said the following: “MY HEAD HURTS. WHYYYYYYY?!”

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I’m now “Coo’”

I was working on a drawing today at work (I’m an art major), and occasionally I’ll get a ‘You’re good at that” or “nice drawing”, something simple, and usually from little kids. Typically, no one really pays much attention, which is fine by me, I’m awkward at taking compliments. Well, I was working a 12-9 today, and was alone from 12-4:30. There was a large dude that was working with the grounds clean up crew, helping cut grass. He seemed nice enough, he stopped by one of the windows about an hour into my shift to ask how everything was going and if I was having fun yet. I laughed and told him I was listening to some kids out front role play with ‘exploding zombies and robots’. We agreed kids were crazy and he went on his way. 

Well, he came back around 3 probably to clock out. I had my stuff on a table and was working on a piece. I was suddenly startled to hear a loud, “DAMMMMMMMN THAT’S GOOD.” This large black man, was knelt next to small, so-white-I’m-Translucent me and gushed about my art. 

“Holy shit, that’s so good! You draw all of this?”

yeah

“ALL of it?”

Yeah, I’m an art major. 

“Bro, that’s so freaking cool. You’re amazing.” 

He was such a sweet dude. ;w;. We talked about art for a while and he was excited to hear the story behind it and told me I was super creative and to ‘keep doing what you do.’ Before he left, he patted my shoulder and was like, “You coo’ dude. Good luck.” 

I am now coo’. 

However, probably 30 minutes later G came by to check and see how things were doing and thought it was a color by number thing. 

“Whats all that?” (I had a ton of markers with me)

Uh, my markers, I figured I’d draw while I’m here.

“They all different colors?”

(No G, I have 100+ black markers that magically change color)

Uh, Yeah, I just like to have a large color selection.

“Is that one of those color by number things? Like, it tells you what color goes where.”

Um, no, I uh, I kinda drew that G. 

“OH YOU’RE AN ARTIST.”

G gives me life. 

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These kids kept coming up to the window, no parental supervision, being absolutely crazy. Literally shoving half their body in through the window, tossing their clubs and balls back in through the window (not handing, TOSSING), banging their club (through the last window) against the metal ball cage, demanding things, you get it. Would. Not. Leave. They decided they wanted to play doge-ball. We don’t have those but we have other kinds of balls. (like, I dunno, FUCKING GOLF BALLS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO WORK PUTT PUTT) So we gave them like, a soccer ball and shit. Well, they kept coming back, demanding more of them. They also take it upon themselves to complain that they’re not inflated enough. (Kid, it’s been sitting here for god knows how long) 

Well, on their 5-6th time around, my co worker hands them another soccer ball

and a baseball. 

They quit shortly after. 

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Had a little kid come in and point to the golf clubs and go, “I need a hockey stick!”

So close child.

We now refer to the golf clubs as hockey sticks.

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Any one remember Donnie from Wild Thornberrys?

Yeah, I met him. 

I should mention I’m not particularly fawn of children. By particularly, I mean hella. Like, they creep me out and make me nervous. They smell weird, make noises, are loud, like ????????????? What the hell is that??? It’s probably due to me being the 2nd youngest out of all my siblings, and only by like, a year. And I also grew up super isolated and I guess I never got to interact with other kids to figure out all that shit. 

Spoiler: I still have no desire to try and communicate with these gremlins.

I don’t even think you guys understand how bad I am with kids. I’m already awkward okay. Then here comes these mini drunk people babbling incoherently while the mom encourages them.

 Bitch, I ain’t taking time out of my day to try and decipher your hob-goblins gargling, scratch record speech. Because frankly, I don’t care. Like, I try okay? Once. I’ll try once then after that I’m out bitches. Nothing good can possibly come from something that sticks its hands down its pants, scratches its ass, picks its nose, then shoves its hand in its mouth.

Now will I slap a kid? Absolutely not. But if I see one fall, I sure as hell ain’t running to help it. Honestly though, like, you tell me your kid is in 5th grade, I will understand nothing. 

What age is that??????

Does it know how to talk????

How smart is it???

Can it use the bathroom by itself???

Do you have to walk it on a harness???? 

Like,....The fuck does that mean?????????

Now, my job means I have to sometimes interact with these ovarian spawns. 

Whatever, that’s fine. It’s typically them just saying a number. Some are actually pretty well mannered and all that. Most are shy and don’t say anything. So, in short, tolerable. Hell, some are even kinda fun to talk to. 

HOWEVER. As I mentioned above, I met Donnie from the Thornberrys. These 3 kids come through, 2 boys (Big and little brother, and a sister) I guess they were like,,...5???? 6??????? Idk?????? Small????? My guess is like, 4 years for the sister, 5 for the little brother, and like,...6 maybe for the big brother??? The fuck I know.  

Now, this day I was working with a guy, we’re gonna call him C. C came in around 4:30 to help me work night shift. (I worked 12-9) We bonded over the fact we are both shit with dealing with these sperm slip ups. As if God above heard us, here come the kids. Now, I knew the girl that was with them, Gonna call her Lo. However, I didn’t say anything to her because I’m an antisocial shit that hates everyone. 

But, But, BUT,........the first thing these children do is come banging on the damn door. Fuck you gremlin, we have a window. 3 actually. Damn. But none the less, we open it. Smallest of the shits shove past and starts trying to touch everything. 

Excuse me child, but what the frick frack, putt putt, butt fuck do you think you’re doing? 

So we finally get him out and the girl is just like, lol he do that sometimes. 

Well, maybe my foot sometimes slips right up your ass? Come get this thing. (Is it a good time to mention I’m a salty person?) We get them the damn balls and all that good jazz and they head out. Now, they come back, the little one does. This kid doesn’t know how the fuck to speak apparently. Literally, mumbling and pointing at random shit and I just?????? Why the hell are you like this??? Did your mother not slap you and tell you to speak up? Mine did?? 

He leaves again after I nudge him out and close the door. (And Lock it cause he just flung the door open and came right on it, rude spawn) So, they get to the last window and they, like many other uterus expulsions, are amazed at the ball drop pipe. (It’s typical for them to want the ball back to do it again when we explain how it works, but we try and ask them not to stick their hand down there since last year, apparently, a kid almost got his hand stuck.) So, unlike most kids who are like, “Where did the ball go????” and us simply explaining there’s a pipe, then letting them drop it again through the hole, then they leave, these little shits start SCREAMING, “WHERE DID IT GO??? HOW DID IT DO IT? HOW? TELL.” 

Bitch. Chill the fuck out you sim creation reject. We explain over their screeches and they continued with, “GIVE IT. GIVE BALL, GIVE.” I’ll give you these hands son. So we give it and they drop it again and leave the putt putt area a little after that. So, I go to use the bathroom okay. I come back and C is not amused. Apparently, the youngest had come back to the last window and stuck a hand through, holding a  melting ice cream (it was all over his arm) and was like, “Help, my ice cream is falling.” So C is like, “???? Uh, take it back outside??? I can’t help you???” And the kid just keeps trying to hand it to him while dripping ice cream everywhere. C is like, “PLeASe? SToP?” And finally his brother ran up, snatched it, and just chucked it towards the nearest trashcan. 

We are not done ladies and gents. 

The oldest bro comes back from the bathroom a little while later and he just leans into the last window and stares at us. (The fuck up with kids and staring?) So Me and C are like, ??? What? And this egg goes, “I went to the bathroom.” Okay????? We kinda just look at each other and then just say, “Good job???” THIS LITTLE SHIT JUST GOES, “I ain’t done yet.” 

????????????!!!!!! BITCH COME AGAIN? YOU RIGHT OVER THE HOLE THAT LEADS IN HERE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU BETTER NOT.

So, it just keeps staring at us like we know what he’s talking about, so finally I quietly go, “You’re not done....playing?” He just nods and is like, “Yeah, wanna play golf.” JESUS CHRIST KID, THE HELL. IF IT WASN’T YOU SHITTING, IT WAS ME CAUSE YOU SCARED THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF ME. Whatever though, I hand him the shit. He looks at the club and is like, “No, just ball.” 

NOW Y’ALL. Remember how I went out and bought new golf balls with my own money? I was not excited about the aspect of handing this thing a ball, considering it would probably run off with it. But it’s my job, so fine. Donnie Thornberry has come over now, and he wants one too. Fuck me. Whatever. So I hand them white golf balls. “I want black.” 

Child. Fuck you. Take the damn ball. I tell him, “We don’t have black. We have white, 2 green, and a yellow.” 

“I want black.” 

Boi. 

We explain it 2 more times before he settles for yellow. 

WELL ALL THEY DO IS IMMEDIATELY DROP IT IN THE HOLE AND START SCREECHING AGAIN. 

At some point, mumbling mertle knocks on the door. This little turd was clever. It was a convincing knock, and sounded like one of the clean up crew workers knocking to clock out. 

We opened the door.

There it was. 

First thing it does and point out the ants on the side of the door frame. Good job. Then he starts mumbling incoherently, in child talk, that neither me or C know how to translate or speak. I ask, “Do...Do you want to play again??” SIMPLE YES OR NO ANSWER, AN OFFERING TO THIS HELL SPAWN TO GET HIM TO LEAVE. I get jack shit of an answer, as it continued to babble and barge on it. It went to the ball drop bucket and pulled it away, throwing the balls everywhere before taking one and trying to shove it back up the pipe. 

Where was the girl watching him at? Right outside the damn last window. So, now I decide to bring out my drama acting lessons, to pretend I give a fuck how she is. 

“Lo??? Is that you??? How are you?” 

“Omg hi!! I’m doing fine! I took them out to play a little today, you work here now?” 

No, obviously I’m a masochist who enjoys hurting myself through dealing with your burrowed responsibilities. Yes I work here. 

“Yeah! It’s a summer job til I get back to college. Speaking of the kids, you wanna get this one?” 

“What’s he doing?”

Bitch, just come get him, what the fuck. It’s in my shack. 

“Uh, well, he’s sticking his hand up the pipe and he might get his hand stuck, we had someone do it last year.” 

“Oh! Just smack him.”

MOTHER FUCKER i CAN’T JUST HIT YOUR KID???? AS MUCH AS I DON’T LIKE KIDS, I AIN’T GONNA HIT IT?

I tell her, “Uh, I can’t, I don’t wanna lose my job.” 

“Oh, kay, I got him, just gotta smack him and tell him to leave.” Sure enough she leans over and bops him on the head while telling him to get out. Out he goes. Lock door again. 

AND THANK GOD THEY LEFT SHORTLY AFTER. 

Quoting C here, “Most people would assume if you worked here, you’d get nervous around the druggies, the pedo’s, snakes, whatever. No. It’s the kids.” 

PEOPLE PLEASE CONTAIN YOUR CHILDREN? THE FUCK?

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Tell em about pedo Pete!!!

PEDO PETE AH YES. 

Alright, so, let us recap. 

We got snakes in the toilets, black widows in the corner, and pedo’s outside. 

So, the last part there is new. Basically what happened was me and L were working together again. (I think, I suck ass with names. I know faces, not names though) Anyway, where I’m from, my county always has a fair in the park for about 3 days, every year. It’s not a huge thing, but it can get pretty crowded. During this time, the PuttPutt Crew was instructed that putt putt would be open later due to the fair. The closing time depended on when ever the fair would start winding down. I had no problem with that and said I would work every day of the fair, as long as D and G needed me to. (Get that $$$, work bitch) 

 Anyway, me and L have decided we’re gonna stay all day. (12PM-~10:30PM) It’s the first day of the fair, by the way, and a Thursday. Surprisingly not that busy. During this time, me and L are just goofing off and talking about dumb shit, considering no one was at putt putt really. As she’s leaned out the last window, she suddenly goes, “…..He shouldn’t be here…” 

So, I’m thinking maybe she’s talking about an Ex or something, I dunno. But I’m a nosy bastard and shoved my head out the window with her like, “???????? Which one?” She points out an older dude, maybe late 40′s, early 50′s, white-blond hair, wearing a blue, striped shirt. He looks pretty average so I’m like, “?????” 

L came from a different high school than the one I went to (It’s literally at the bottom of the hill leading to the park, THANK GOD I’M GONE FROM IT), but her school wasn’t too far anyway. (It was a rival of my high school, but honestly, everyone who attended my high school was a rival of our school cause fuck our school.) She explains that he’s a child molester and was banned from her school grounds for what he had done. Keep in mind, this is literally like, my 3-4th time working here, it’s barely 3 in the afternoon probably. So, me and her watch him, and sure enough he’s kinda sticking around the play ground area and the pool, waking slow and acting like he’s helping pick up trash. Now, I won’t give his full name, but we all call him Pedo Joe. 

L gives me his name and we agree we should probably go tell D or G, just to let them know. There was security working the park, so we figured they would tell them. Now, my friend who works at the pool, Gonna call her Mookie, and drove me to work and told me that if I wanted something to eat at the food booths for lunch to come to her cause she had cash. (She also a perf person.) I only had my debit card, no cash. So, about this time, I’m getting hungry and I got over to the pool to talk to her. Well, there’s Pedo Joe, around the back side of the pool fence, just lurking around. Thankfully, though, D and G were right inside the entrance of the pool talking to each other. 

I had no clue how to go about this so I kinda awkwardly went up to them (Little 5 foot 5 me, talking to these 6 foot, giant dudes) and I was just like, “Uh,….so…that guy in that blue striped shirt,…L told me he wasn’t allowed on her schools property and isn’t suppose to be here cause he’s a child molester…?” And they look over at where he is and they’re like, “Oooooh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, we know him. We got ‘em. We dealt with him last year too, we’ll get him again.” ?

????!!?

Again????

Freaking Again????????????

OH BOI

So I went and got the money from Mookie and headed one back to get food. I brought her back a coke and went back to the shack. About 30 minutes later, L had went out to go grab food to, and I look out the last window and HEYYYYY Pedo Joe is being escorted by 2 cops away from the pool area and such. I’m pretty sure they basically told him, “You can be here, but you can’t be down past the putt putt area where the kids are.”  

He kept trying to go into the bathrooms, then try to walk out past the cops (Who D told me had let 2-3 cops stay there to make sure he didn’t come back through) only to make eye contact and awkwardly walk back the other way. #GOTCHABITCH 

Well, everything’s fine for a while, me and L are laughing about how stupid he is when NYOOM. THIS BITCH COMES FLYING THROUGH THE GATE FOR PUTT PUTT, AND SPEED WALKS/RUNS PAST THE BROKEN WINDOW AND AWAY. (Quick lay out explaination: If you look out the last window, you see the bathrooms. Also there is a gate there that’s basically the exit gate for the putt putt area, that’s where he came in at. On the other side of the shack, near the first window, is the entrance gate for putt putt, they both stay open. So he ran in the exit gate, out the entrance one, and I’m guessing either climbed the fence or something, cause he just disappeared, and was over on the walking track.) So me and L are like ?????? BITCH WHAT THE FUCK. Pedo Joe? More like Pedo-THERE HE GO. 

Well, L know’s people, more specifically, her people know the cops. So, she calls her dad, who tells the cops working. We don’t see him again. My guess is that they told him to fuck off. 

However, the dude apparently has been around around the track everyday at the park. I had a worker tell me he’s stayed there from before 12, to like, 8PM, running, and ‘picking up trash.’ I actually still see him when I’m working, running the track. 

I like to think he’s practicing running from the law again. 

You can expect updates about Pedo Joe.  

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Tell em about pedo Pete!!!

PEDO PETE AH YES. 

Alright, so, let us recap. 

We got snakes in the toilets, black widows in the corner, and pedo’s outside. 

So, the last part there is new. Basically what happened was me and L were working together again. (I think, I suck ass with names. I know faces, not names though) Anyway, where I’m from, my county always has a fair in the park for about 3 days, every year. It’s not a huge thing, but it can get pretty crowded. During this time, the PuttPutt Crew was instructed that putt putt would be open later due to the fair. The closing time depended on when ever the fair would start winding down. I had no problem with that and said I would work every day of the fair, as long as D and G needed me to. (Get that $$$, work bitch) 

 Anyway, me and L have decided we’re gonna stay all day. (12PM-~10:30PM) It’s the first day of the fair, by the way, and a Thursday. Surprisingly not that busy. During this time, me and L are just goofing off and talking about dumb shit, considering no one was at putt putt really. As she’s leaned out the last window, she suddenly goes, “.....He shouldn’t be here...” 

So, I’m thinking maybe she’s talking about an Ex or something, I dunno. But I’m a nosy bastard and shoved my head out the window with her like, “???????? Which one?” She points out an older dude, maybe late 40′s, early 50′s, white-blond hair, wearing a blue, striped shirt. He looks pretty average so I’m like, “?????” 

L came from a different high school than the one I went to (It’s literally at the bottom of the hill leading to the park, THANK GOD I’M GONE FROM IT), but her school wasn’t too far anyway. (It was a rival of my high school, but honestly, everyone who attended my high school was a rival of our school cause fuck our school.) She explains that he’s a child molester and was banned from her school grounds for what he had done. Keep in mind, this is literally like, my 3-4th time working here, it’s barely 3 in the afternoon probably. So, me and her watch him, and sure enough he’s kinda sticking around the play ground area and the pool, waking slow and acting like he’s helping pick up trash. Now, I won’t give his full name, but we all call him Pedo Joe. 

L gives me his name and we agree we should probably go tell D or G, just to let them know. There was security working the park, so we figured they would tell them. Now, my friend who works at the pool, Gonna call her Mookie, and drove me to work and told me that if I wanted something to eat at the food booths for lunch to come to her cause she had cash. (She also a perf person.) I only had my debit card, no cash. So, about this time, I’m getting hungry and I got over to the pool to talk to her. Well, there’s Pedo Joe, around the back side of the pool fence, just lurking around. Thankfully, though, D and G were right inside the entrance of the pool talking to each other. 

I had no clue how to go about this so I kinda awkwardly went up to them (Little 5 foot 5 me, talking to these 6 foot, giant dudes) and I was just like, “Uh,....so...that guy in that blue striped shirt,...L told me he wasn’t allowed on her schools property and isn’t suppose to be here cause he’s a child molester...?” And they look over at where he is and they’re like, “Oooooh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, we know him. We got ‘em. We dealt with him last year too, we’ll get him again.” ?

????!!?

Again????

Freaking Again????????????

OH BOI

So I went and got the money from Mookie and headed one back to get food. I brought her back a coke and went back to the shack. About 30 minutes later, L had went out to go grab food to, and I look out the last window and HEYYYYY Pedo Joe is being escorted by 2 cops away from the pool area and such. I’m pretty sure they basically told him, “You can be here, but you can’t be down past the putt putt area where the kids are.”  

He kept trying to go into the bathrooms, then try to walk out past the cops (Who D told me had let 2-3 cops stay there to make sure he didn’t come back through) only to make eye contact and awkwardly walk back the other way. #GOTCHABITCH 

Well, everything’s fine for a while, me and L are laughing about how stupid he is when NYOOM. THIS BITCH COMES FLYING THROUGH THE GATE FOR PUTT PUTT, AND SPEED WALKS/RUNS PAST THE BROKEN WINDOW AND AWAY. (Quick lay out explaination: If you look out the last window, you see the bathrooms. Also there is a gate there that’s basically the exit gate for the putt putt area, that’s where he came in at. On the other side of the shack, near the first window, is the entrance gate for putt putt, they both stay open. So he ran in the exit gate, out the entrance one, and I’m guessing either climbed the fence or something, cause he just disappeared, and was over on the walking track.) So me and L are like ?????? BITCH WHAT THE FUCK. Pedo Joe? More like Pedo-THERE HE GO. 

Well, L know’s people, more specifically, her people know the cops. So, she calls her dad, who tells the cops working. We don’t see him again. My guess is that they told him to fuck off. 

However, the dude apparently has been around around the track everyday at the park. I had a worker tell me he’s stayed there from before 12, to like, 8PM, running, and ‘picking up trash.’ I actually still see him when I’m working, running the track. 

I like to think he’s practicing running from the law again. 

You can expect updates about Pedo Joe.  

[puttputtpity-blog]

I didn’t sign up for this

Okay, so, remember how I told you the Putt Putt Shack is a shack? Well, it’s exactly that. It’s probably a little bigger than a family restroom, I’d say. Big enough to have a flimsy, plastic, round table in the center, a fold out table by the first window, a mini-fridge, a metal ball crate (this one is for soccer balls and such, our clubs and such hang on the walls using peg board), and some miscellaneous stuff, mainly cause the Putt Putt shack is basically a storage shack as well. #HighClass. I should mention it’s made of concrete blocks, a metal door, and a concrete floor. The outside is this weird brown color, so is the floor inside. The walls on the inside is white(-ish) with an (uneven) brown bottom trim. 

Long story short: It’s messy and dirty. 

I’m a very organized and clean person. It KILLS me when something is messy, especially if I’m spending long hours there. After my first shift, I figured I’d clean it. I brought some cleaning supplies my next shift (4:30-9, Night shift). There was girl working with me, we’ll call her L. Thankfully, she also wants to clean the place up and offers to help me. Awesome. 

Now, we aren’t stupid, we know we’re probably gonna run into a spider or something somewhere. Now, there’s this corner, in between the broken window and the last window. In this corner is an old hose, a grass clippings bag from a mower, a toddler swing seat thing, and one of those Round-A-Bout things. We were sure that’s where it was going to be. 

I’d also like to insert the fact that we were VERY VERY low on golf balls. (We don’t get the best funding obviously) D had said he would work on getting us more. (Spoilers: I just went out and bought 24 for 9 bucks at Walmart, considering we had like, 7.) So, as we’re cleaning, we’re finding some golf balls. Great, awesome, we really need those. It’s awkward telling people we’re out of golf balls when we still have 15+ golf clubs. 

Oddly enough, we don’t really find any spiders in that corner, just a few water bugs really. Now, in the opposite corner, diagonally across, (by the first window) is just 4 buckets of outdoor carpet adhesive, some large rakes, and old paint rollers. So, L is up helping a group of people that had come through and I’m busy moving things out of that corner so we can clean and organize it. Lo’ and behold, Golf balls. 3 of them. 

Yes Bitch. 

I go to just grab them and I stop and think: ‘Yo, maybe I should check and make sure nothings back there. It’s kind dark.’

I checked with my phones flashlight and eyyyyyyyyy, I spot a leg of a spider. #YouThought. So, no big deal, I’ll just use an old putter to move the buckets of adhesive (since the balls were behind them) so I didn’t have to stick my hand back there. I move everything and use the putter to start and knock the balls away from the spider-y corner. (L is still helping people) I drag one of the balls close and notice there’s another spider, but this one is on the underside of this golf ball. Well, that was a close call, good thing I didn’t grab it. However, as I’m looking at it, I’m noticing that this spider looks really odd. I’ve seen a fair share of spiders considering that there’s a lot of outdoors areas where I live, and my house is basically in the middle of a forest. But I had never really seen a spider in this shape. I’m like, “The hell is that?” and lean down with my flashlight to look at it. It was small, so I didn’t think much about it, but I noticed it was very rounded and had very pointed legs. The hell is up with this thing?? Finally, my tired head catches up to me that there is red on this bitch ass spider. 

Well Fuck me with a cactus, that’s a black widow.

I’m over here looking over at L (again, still helping the group of people at the window) like God himself has come for us. I’ve never seen a black widow, I should mention. Just common house spiders, writing spiders, whatever. Now, I did play Spider-Man for a drama production in high school but I was not about to commit to that. So I’m over here looking like a chameleon, trying to keep one eye on the spider and one on L.

Finally she’s done and looks at me. Convo went as follows:

Me: We have a problem

L:...Spider?

Me: Black widow.

L:....Don’t lie to me.

Me: Bro, I’m serious. 

Neither of us knew what to do. There was an off duty cop playing with his kids outside on the playground, and we honestly considered how insane it would be to ask him to pepper-spray this demon spawn. We decided not to, for obvious reasons. We finally come up with the logical plan of dousing it in bleach spray. We spray it, it spazzes out. 

Ah shit son. It’s moving, trying to climb on a bucket. A vantage point to kill us both. Thankfully, the spider was too slippery to get traction to climb up, but none the less, bricks are being shat.

L panics and takes said bucket and slams it down on it. 

This bitch ain’t dead. Terminator style, it’s dragging it’s self around while probably cursing us. I still have the ratty golf club. At this point, an old man had come up to the window, and with my guess, been watching us scream and fling things around during this Thunderdome showdown with this black widow. He asks us what’s going on, as chill as can be. 

Me: *Clutching old golf club* Uh, we’ll be right with you, there’s a black widow...

Him: Oh, well, that’s not good. Don’t get bit. 

I proceed to hit this thing with the club, however, I guess it’s webbing inside it got stuck to the club so when I went to move the club away, it stuck and came flapping around with the club.

Fuck my ass.

L slammed back and nearly tripped over the mini-fridge, I tossed that club like Thor’s hammer off to the side with what L said was a ‘scream’. It was a battle cry, she wouldn’t understand. Thankfully, the thing was dead, the old man is just chilling, watching us, golf club is off to the side by the broken widow, guts by the bucket. Great time. 

I signed up to work Putt Putt, not fight Australia. We got snakes in the toilet and black widows in the corners. Minimum wage. 

[puttputtpity-blog]

The usual protocol

First thing you guys need to know about this blog, is that it’s about a summer job I currently have, and hope to have over the next few summers while in college. 

Moving on, I got it because I figured it would be simple enough. There’s no money or anything involved. I literally sit in a shack, that has air conditioning, and a mini-fridge, pre-stocked with water. I close the door, open up 2 windows, and when a person comes up, all I have to ask is, “How many?”. What ever number they say, I hand them that many golf clubs and golf balls. Then when they’re done, they give the golf clubs back through the second window while the balls fall through a pipe into a bucket that catches them. I hang the putts back up, and dump the balls back into the main container. Easy.

Sometimes I have to go check the bathrooms to clean them, pick up trash, usual park stuff. By the way, at this park, there’s a pool, putt putt, play ground, and further down is like, Tennis, basketball, skating area, whatever. This blog is gonna primary focus in the Putt Putt Shack, Playground, and the Pool. 

For a lay out, The Putt Putt Shack faces towards the playground, with the course behind it. We have a window on the back wall that lets us see the course (Gonna call it the broke window since it doesn’t stay open). There’s a window by the ball drop pipe, where we get the clubs back (gonna call it the last window). Also through this window, you can see across the road and see the bathrooms. And lastly, the door with a window near it. That window is where people are SUPPOSE TO come to to get the items, gonna call it the first window.. (A lot of people kinda just barge in? Rude fucks.) Now, looking out the first window lets me see the entire playground, it’s literally right across a sidewalk. Past that is a shelter/picnic area. And past that is our pool which is, of course, fenced off. 

Putt Putt is free here, (we have multiple signs hung up saying this, keep that in mind.), meanwhile the pool is like, 5 dollars a person or something, or you can get a seasonal pass. I’ll be getting Pool stories from a friend who works at the pool. (Again, I’m just putt putt) The time for the Putt Putt area is 12PM-9PM. It’s usually broken up into 2 different shifts: 12-4:30 and 4:30-9 (What we call the night shift). You can also ask to do a full day where you stay from 12-9. (What I typically do) 

It all seems easy enough, right? 

Sorta. Our bosses came in, We’re gonna call them D and G, to talk to me about working here. Keep in mind, it was my first day. I think I have it figured out. No. 

Typical work places are like, “Don’t forget to sweep and mop. Make sure the register is locked.”, all that jazz. Not here. Basically my jobs list of “This is what you do’ includes, but is not limited to:

Handing out golf balls and golf clubs. 

Picking up trash

Clean the bathrooms sometimes

Also while you’re in there, check for snakes in the toilet. We had a few last year.

Keep the door locked cause it gets shady. 

Shady as in, Drug deals and such. 

If you see one of these, call the cops, they know us well.

There may be people that get in a fight, cops again. 

Basically have the cops on speed dial. 

So yeah, like, hand out the golf stuff but also make sure you don’t get killed. Good luck kid. Keep in mind, I’m small. Like, 5 foot 5 and barely 115 pounds. 

It’s gonna be great.