pybgarbs-blog

[pybgarbs-blog]

01-15-23: Nostalgic

It was a Sunday. It’s a special day today because this is my ever-loving dog, Akira’s birthday, one year since her birth. Staring at her as she stares me today took me back the time when she was a puppy last year. She was unique because of her snowflake fur and her discolored yellow spot both in her ears. I named her Akira, not because I named the puppies alphabetically, so she was the first, but because she exudes that Japanese beauty out of her four siblings. I wish I could fix my old phone because I have baby photos even videos of her from the time she was drinking the bottled milk. I feel sad for her and her siblings surviving along as their mother passed away due to poison. But I feel relieved that for the months I spend with them, I became a mother dog to them. Even though I lost one, Duke, I did something extraordinary despite not knowing to be a mother dog. I left in the morning to church just to arrange and prepare 18 children choir members, not perfectly complete but many. I’m relieved that there still more choir members to come. After visiting the two locales, I arrive at the same time my sisters arrive too. And that got me thinking about cooking, so for the first time, I felt motivated so I decided to do some spicy chicken wings with sauce. I was so proud making a dish, sharing to my mentor and awesome friend of mine, Maxine of just making her feel proud that she inspired me to cook. Then again, it was a little bit lack of sauce given the supply but my mother wanted another one. At late noon, my sister, Princess awaken me to accompany her to the district locale for the meeting of those who are incoming for baptism. My sister is one of them. When I left her at church, I decided to go down memory lane, I return to my old school, Santa Maria, which give back so many happy and adventurous memories when I was in elementary as well as our old space, that was used for our security agency business across the school, which reminds me of how I was so joyful and innocent when I was a carefree kid. We would play badminton down the road, and just my father sitting at the red stool outside enjoying the breeze air from the seaside. It was a peaceful time that we got started to live in the city and despite ended up in a much dense space because of the members inside the family, we were living life. I took some pictures and saw the changes of the appearance of the Secret Garden, that was once alive when students would go there to take lunches with their families and my Tutor Place, where we would use the table for pingpong. It was nostalgic to see those locations you have been as a child and looking back, I saw myself just being me - happy. So after the meeting, my sister and I had a dinner date at Mang Inasal talking about how I live through my high school years. Looking at her, I saw myself at her age. I would share to her everything I have been happy the most. The sunsets, the grass fields, the commutes and the first friends I’ve been with. I would give her advice to just enjoy of not knowing everyone because at her age, it is still valid. She is learning what is school like comparing to myself who is learning what is life now. All she has to worry is how she could comply requirements not like me wo has to worry the future I’m shaping for myself especially when I already failed one subject. Now, my great buddy, my classmate since high school, Gino, is sharing how happy he was that his test paper got rechecked and passed Structural Theory. Then again, my friend, Ronnie would be preparing to leave us to migrate to New York in the next month. Its just that everything is happening to them is both a blessing and a chance while I look at myself in the mirror thinking when will be the time that I could feel that way. I saw how ecstatic  Gino when he knew he would not retake the subject and celebrate his winnings especially when he and also our buddy, Kevin just went to Manila to attend the K-Pop group concert and had a selfie with a well-known rapper. I feel how relief Ronnie was when his plans moving outside the country is finally happening. Its just everything is changing, for my friends, it for the better while I’m here, stuck. Maybe this is part of life, maybe there will be time for me to shine but maybe for now, I’ll just be quiet. Right now, I just don’t what to do and feel as an irregular student. I just wish I passed so that the process of enrollment would be normal but then again its not. I feel ashamed, can’t even look at the mirror but then again I feel relieved that even though this is worst, my bond with my sister today made me the best. Now, I’m spending my time with Akira, just celebrating silently with her. I still feel loved by my sister and my dog despite I’m not loving myself. 

[pybgarbs-blog]

01-10-23: Return

It was a Tuesday. That was the first morning I wake up early at 4 just to prepare ourselves for the first choir practice of the year. So we’re back again with the church duties. Good thing, I already prepared everything. Deep inside, I was excited to see everyone again but then again returning as an organist is a weekly challenge giving the fact my organist partner, now a church friend, Lynn, is going away to pursue her teaching career. It was last Sunday, we talked and informed me about this. It was bittersweet that she never got the chance to see us return to our newly-renovated church but then again her future that she has been praying for is happening. I hope she would enjoy more the opportunities, she really deserve everything good for her in life and the sacrifices she made in her past locale of carrying also the responsibility of an organist in the children’s choir. Jumping two choir practices and congregation during weekends given the fact these locales are a town apart, she really deserves the blessings that she is receiving right now. She inspires me in a way that if she is able to surpass, why can’t I? I wish my hope for the blessings and all the sacrifices I did and will do this year is all worth it. I wish that whatever happens, an organist is one of the most blessed responsibility that God has chosen you apart from the others. When Lynn left, it sparks me to return again to who I was, am and will be. Its just that there’s only 4 organists left, one of them, Sister Metelyn is absent as she still feels the after condition from her surgery and the other, Sister Janice, Lynn’s older sister, who I adore and respect, is giving us now hints of leaving the locale and a possibility for transfer. Well, I guess only Sis Regine and I would be the las standing pair, however, I’m relieved that my mentor and a brother figure, Brother Jaypee, is returning and by knowing it, everything will be change for the better. I think the light that once shines the San Juan choir will return. Now, I’m more than inspired given the fact my brother knows how to play the Johannus, the brand new organ that will be used for the new church.   I think I am in good hands and will be more pro with playing the organ with both hands and feet. Then, again, his comeback is still February. I guess, I should be preparing myself, to be better than I was back before the pandemic. How I hope that when he hears me play, he could say that I leveled up and grown up differently. That his product, me, is now capable. So the choir practice, despite the rain, ended. Out of thin blue, the choir president, Renante, gave me the keys of the church so that I could practice the organ. It was a wholesome moment for me that he gave me an opportunity, in a least possible way, he supports me in this journey. He sees me but then again I still have to prove to them I’m capable like Lynn. For the whole morning, I never went home but stayed and practiced the offering song. Indeed, I became better. I went home to rest until my beautiful friend, Jodin, requested if she could come by at our house to comply her requirements using my laptop. I agreed and she came by at night, she shocked to see the new arrangement at the terrace and a new bed. The last time she was here, it was last year when we were rehearsing for the folkdances but now, she loved the new bedroom I have. I feel heart broken to see her sharing her frustrations, struggles and breakdowns as she surpassing everything at school, at home and in life. I was her lifeline. And she felt blessed to have a friend like me. And the same feelings I have towards her. I taught her some things how to navigate everything and indeed, she felt light when she passed her requirements. Its just in middle of the conversation, I received a message that 19 of us in the Structural Theory class had failed and will be retaking the subject next semester. I was keeping my sadness to myself as I was smiling at Jodin, working her paper. At the back of mind, I don’t know what to do. Same as others, they were saddened and for those who passed, well good for them. It got me thinking that I deserved that failure, I mean, look I was always absent during class, I spent those times just hiding not to be called during recitation and being absent as I chose rehearsing at our folkdance. Looking at it, I deserve it. The only thing I could blame is myself. So if I retake this subject, well I think its for the better. How can I move forward without knowing it at heart when I just cheated my way during exams and quizzes. I cannot lie to myself that I did know something about the topic and when in fact I did not. For those who passed, they deserve it. Its just that I just wish I could have the help that I needed and the time that I have used for it. So right now, I decided to just not take any church social activities this year or maybe this semester. This is war now, and I lost. What a way to retake the difficult subject again and all I have done was for nothing. So when Jodin left, my smile faded. Given the fact, she gave me 20 pesos, it was already a big gesture for me. I’m grateful for her for just keeping me smiling that night even though I’m drowning in pain inside. Even though I failed helping myself, I succeeded saving a friend. 

[pybgarbs-blog]

01-01-23: Sunsets

It was a Sunday. Out of all the first days of the past years, this is the best day to start 2023. I never thought that spending the whole morning, lying on the tiled floor, staring at the half-painted ceiling got me thinking when should I buy some white paint for it. But everything change, when my church friend, Jodin just unexpectedly called me and invited me with the others to bond at the beach. Without hesitations, I agreed. Even though, I never bathe, I just wore the most comfortable clothes and brought only coins, no bills. Out in the blue, we were just harboring friends, with the unexpected trip. I guess when on-the-spot invitation really do gather people immediately. It was a funny moment when everyone was not prepared but we were smiling all the way to Alegre. The ten of us trying to fit in one tricycle, indeed, we arrived alive. It seems to be the resort we entered is someone’s Jodin’s brother’s partner’s given lot. It was not as beautiful as the next resorts given the fact that it was still grassy and lack of facilities, but there is potential to be somehow beautiful and better in the long run. We spent the whole afternoons, just enjoying the air breeze, talking, spending some moments enjoying the sunsets, playing child games and just be a normal kid for a day without worrying about our future, our careers, our classes and our responsibilities at home. Looking at their genuine smiles and laughter from Trisha, Rio, Louwel, Lala, Reinhart, Maxine and Jodin, it made me feel like I’m home with them. Never once in my life I felt alive that day, that I am not alone in facing this year. I ended up with scratches from the fall during the game but I wasn’t bothered because we ended that night with a haunted trip next to the lot. We guarded our scared friend, Rio, for whatever happens but we went there for the memories as well as the story behind the  unfinished resort house. Jodin’s brother’s partner gave us the toured. She said that there will people ransacked and it was left there when the owners moved to the States, up to this the day, it stood still quietly, leaving so many pictures, documents, and papers scattering in the floor. I could see there still potential to rebuilt the place beautifully but anyways, its just one of those stories. We left the resort already past dusk and again, the ten of us again rode the tricycle, good thing, we never ended up in a flat tire. I was clinging to Louwel at the back ride area while carrying the pan, inside was the left bihon never been eaten, and the two of us were singing. We then rode the jeep and unexpectedly, a passenger is protesting his faith, everyone were keeping their attention at the road. Bonbon, Jodin’s brother is pro at giving the fare to the driver. Each of us were leaving the jeep and  returning to their homes until the two of us is left. My awesome friend, Maxine, who wished to  buy gifts for her beloved nephews and nieces for tomorrow, decided to spend her night in our home (which is unexpected) so we watched some horror movies. This is her first sleepover and we were planning to make her sleep upstairs but I decided to let her sleep in the living room. Apparently, I decided to accompany her and sleep at the sofa too. What a way to sleep on the first night of the year.