pyroselkie

[pyroselkie]

had a vision earlier of ctechno sitting on the porch of his house in the arctic with a loaded crossbow alert and ready and tommy comes up and techno aims it at him on instinct and tommy is like I JUST CAME TO WISH YOU A HAPPY EASTER YOU FUCKING FREAK I THOUGHT WE COULD SPLIT A CHOCOLATE EGG AND FIGHT ABOUT RELIGION WHAT'S WITH THE CROSSBOW DICKHEAD and techno lowers the cross bow and is like Oh tommy what's up. Myyyy bad i thought you were the easter bunny. and tommy's like YOU THOUGHT. YOU THOUGHT WHAT? and techno's like Yeahhh that guy comes and leaves eggs everywhere and wrecks my framerates. Every single year. But I'm ready for him this time. and tommy's gobstopped and goes TECHNOBLADE. TECHNOBLADE HINESTLY ANSWER ME HERE. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE EASTER BUNNY? and techno's like I believe what i see and what i see are EGGS and DROPPED FRAMERATES, Tommy. and tommy's like OKAY EVEN IF THE EASTER BUNNY WAS REAL WHICH IS FUCKING ABSURD BY THE WAY ARE YOU HONESTLY GONNA SHOOT HIM MAN? COULDNT YOU JUST PICK UP THE EGGS LIKE A MAN? and techno's like Nah tommy that's how they GET YOU man. He's gonna go to your house and lag out your world and now it's YOUR problem? Not to mention, absent father of the year over there. and tommy's like I JUST DONT THINK HE'S REAL, TECHNOBLADE. and techno goes Yeah that's what phil said about santa and look how that went. and tommy stares at him in horror and shouts DID YOU KILL SANTA CLAUS, TECHNOBLADE? and technoblade shrugs and says Those elves were not bein paid properly AND i heard through the grapevine santa was stealin more than milk and cookies AND he gave me coal insteada Wither skulls. and while tommy stares on in horror the sound of munching on a carrot comes up behind him and technoblade raises his crossbow and shoots and wilbur screams and drops his carrot and tommy yells FIRST SANTA CLAUS THEN THE EASTER BUNNY NOW FUCKING WILBUR, TECHNOBLADE? and techno goes Well it's not my fault he was actin like the easter bunny. and wilbur goes "EATING? EATING A FUCKING CARROT IS ACTING LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY? WAIT ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THE FUCKING EASTER BUNNY?" and techno reloads his crossbow and goes Ohhh my god im not goin over this again. and tommy goes WIL HE'S FUCKING CRAZY HE THINKS THE EASTER BUNNY'S REAL AND WANTS TO SHOOT HIM. BECAUSE OF LAG. and wilbur scratches at his neck and is like "um to be fair the easter bunny is real. though i dont know why you'd want to shoot him he's literally nice" and tommy's like YOU HAVE GOT TO BE HAVING A LAUGH. and wilbur's like "HE'S A NICE GUY MAN I DUNNO" and techno's like Okay then why does he keep laggin out my are. and wilbur goes "MAYBE IT'S THE 100 FUCKING MOBS YOU KEEP. IT'S NOT EVEN EASTER MAN" and techno's like Heh? and tommy's like WOT. and wilbur goes "easter was yesterday." and tommy goes NO THAT WAS 4/20 I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER BECAUSE WE GOT RANBOO REALLY HIGH TO SCARE HIM.

okay i just found this draft from the day after easter. the entire end joke was going to be that wilbur knows the easter bunny is real is bc they shared one beautiful night together. hope you enjoyed.

[pyroselkie]

what super expensive indulgence would u get for urself if u suddenly came into a bunch of money?? assume all bills/mortgages paid, all friends helped: what treat are u buying just for u?? for me it would be a quilted lambskin chanel bag in iridescent pink

[pyroselkie]

sick to death of everyone being rail thin and wearing their hair in a slicked back bun. this summer and forever i'm all about big thighs big boobs big butts and perhaps most importantly big hair

[pyroselkie]

common misconception! Thomas Crapper didn't invent the flush toilet. it was actually patented by Alexander Cumming. what Crapper invented was the floating ballcock.

[pyroselkie]

i hate dogs with blue eyes. why is fucking jeff the killer at my back door

[pyroselkie]

does anybody else remember that reality show where they gaslit a bunch of americans into thinking they were competing to marry prince harry but it was really just some guy

[pyroselkie]

Can we find a sun god or diety from every timezone and make a map of them all?

[pyroselkie]

[pyroselkie]

yippee! <- response to pleasant stimuli

wehh <- response to unpleasant stimuli

awawawawa <- creation of stimuli

[pyroselkie]

I think we as a society should bring back brotps. I think we should be weirder about characters being friends the same way people are weird about ships. Make those two characters who interacted once or twice besties. Make it difficult for them to get rid of each other even if they want to. Go nuts

[pyroselkie]

very much a fan of this post so i felt compelled to make my own. print it out and give it to your coworkers or hang it in your cubicle and go "don't make me tap the sign"

[pyroselkie]

magical girl aira for @princexofhearts !!!!!!!!

[pyroselkie]

Are you like. Okay

the character

[pyroselkie]

I know that some British people take umbrage at Americans calling the Great British Bake Off relaxing, but it's just because GBBO is such a different kind of stressful from American baking shows.

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

Meanwhile GBBO is in a lovely, brightly colored tent, there are delightful and friendly hosts/jesters there to keep everyone entertained, and all of the B Roll is of like... a bumblebee going into a flower, or a lamb running in a field. And yes, there will be moments where someone will mess up their timing or something, and they'll be looking at their bake through the oven door like, "oh gosh I don't think this will rise in time!" Then they stand up to find Paul Hollywood directly behind them ominously. His creepy whitewalker eyes will glow white, and he'll say something like "the 12th of June. 2035. Drowning." And his eyes will go back to normal and he'll walk away. Then the baker gives a playful grimace to the camera and says "that didnt sound great, did it?". Cut to a sweet looking older woman sipping tea on a stool and she says "oo I do hope that Prue enjoys the taste of my sugary, sticky baps!". Then, at the end, someone gets a gold star for doing good, and the loser of the episode gets in the middle of a giant group hug. You see all of them at the end of the series at a giant carnival with their families and the post credits informs you that all of the contestants have become a Partridge Family-style traveling band and stayed friends forever.

[pyroselkie]

i think one of the most important things you learn about making connections with others is that a significant portion of the time people just do not know theyre doing what theyre doing

[pyroselkie]

when drawing requires you to draw

[pyroselkie]

*gets bodychecked while playing women's lacrosse and breaks my nose* this is perfectly normal if the person who did this to me was born with the Moon Goddess Innocence Genitals but misogynistic violence if the person who did this to me was born with the Violent Penetration Genitals