pyschosuaveharv

[pyschosuaveharv]

Birthdays: the most depressing time of the year

Ah birthdays, the one day every year all your friends and family come out of the woodwork to shower you with false praise and gifts in an attempt to make you forget you’re slowly dying.

I think it says something about our society that we deem it so cruel that merely surviving 365 days without being offed or offing yourself is considered an achievement. This may have been understandable several hundred years ago, when 15 was considered middle aged and infants were dying at a rate that puts my back alley abortion business to shame. These days though, it seems almost patronising. “Oh you’re so brave surviving a whole year in this age of free healthcare, running water and plentiful food” the world seems to say with the same tone as a mother consoling a toddler who grazed his knee. I’d allow birthdays for the poor and the ill but honestly I don’t feel like I’ve earned a birthday. My biggest accomplishment this year was breaking my personal record for most wanks in a day. I refuse to disclose how many, purely out of shame.

I don’t know how I’ve got to this state of birthday pessimism. I used to look forward to it when I was but a wee lad. It’s a widely accepted fact that children just have better birthdays, more presents, kickass parties and no mounting fear of our inevitable demise. This strikes me as completely unfair, children do nothing but cause chaos and make every non child around them have suicidal and homicidal thoughts. They don’t pay rent, they don’t work, school is a complete joke until the last two years of it. Still, they get all the best shit. Many people say “youth is wasted on the young” I just think birthdays are.

So, let’s discuss what you can expect from a birthday of about 15 years old onwards.

Clothes, some people like clothes and rightfully so. They keep us warm, they make us look stylish and keep us from being arrested for indecent exposure again. For me though the most I can muster when someone buys me clothes is a half assed “oh cool thanks” don’t even get me started on socks, if I get socks as a present you might get them returned in the mail, along with a pipe bomb.

Next there’s the staple gift of the extended family member who entirely forgot you exist it’s the humble gift card. Oh socks, all is forgiven the pipe bombs are going to be redirected to the pieces of familial excrement that decided they’d get you what is essentially money you can only spend in one place. The worst among the gift cards are the ones for bookshops or obscure online websites that only sell cheap shit made in China. Uncle bob, what were you snorting when you imagined me buying £30 worth of books in Waterstones. I’m a busy man, I can’t read that many books after all, I’ve got wanking records to beat.

Then we have the practical yet incredibly boring items liable to bore you to tears as you unwrap them like an onion that secretes facts about pencils. Stuff like shaving kits, stationary kits, deodorants and toothbrushes. The amount of personal hygiene products I get every year makes me wonder if people are trying to tell me something.

Finally you get one or two mildly interesting gifts that you actually asked for, not the most expensive ones of course but something. Something that makes you think huh, maybe these people do know me. Maybe my family remembers what my interests really are. You unwrap your next present and feel that childlike excitement return just for a second you tear off the last bit of wrapping and... Jesus fucking Christ it’s another pair of socks.

I’d like to end this rant with a little PSA if you’re the type of rancid dickweed to try and excuse your garbage present with the tired adage of “it’s the thought that counts” realise that you have probably haven’t thought about anything in your life.

[pyschosuaveharv]

Detective Pikachu review... Pikareview?

Apologies, I sat down to write a typical review for this movie, got about halfway through writing and realised everything I’d written was utter shit and the amount of substantial commentary I could provide was hardly enough to warrant a review.

Sure I could forcibly insert vague allusions to cocks. I could point out the pacing issues and the nonsensical plot. I could give some context, point out that pikachu is like 23 years old so him being played by Ryan Reynolds is slightly less weird if you think about it enough. I could do all that shit well enough but I simply had no passion to talk about it. It didn’t leave a lasting impression on me in the slightest beyond the fact it was a movie that I saw more recently than the one before it.

Still I’m a man of my words, sometimes, the review must be done to some extent so here’s what I will say:

The movie made no sense but that’s not the worst thing in the world, the CGI was surprisingly adequate, the movie was entertaining enough and the villain had no motive beyond the vaguest of notions. Oh and there were some pretty good jokes.

As riveting as that insightful commentary was there is a more general point I’d like to make about kids films. The movie was perfectly fine it entertained me enough that I left the theatre through the door and not the highest window. Still I think standards for children’s films should be higher, these annoying bags of energy and entitlement are our future so maybe we should treat them to a little more than mediocrity. You can flash bright colours in their faces, give them a cute animal voiced by a funny man and play generic feel good pop song no 674 and the kids will enjoy it, sure. However the greatest kids movies aren’t just enjoyed they’re learned from, the iron giant, ET, the lion king, they all have timeless messages for kids to learn from. All anyone can gather from the detective pikachu movie is you can in fact make Ryan Reynolds look weird by spending an hour and forty five minutes reconditioning your brain to think he really is pikachu.

This review didn’t have enough jokes so let’s end it with a classic how do you get pikachu in a van? Poke him on...and then threaten violence against his family if he struggles.

I’m sorry this review was so short and lacklustre but I really thought I’d have more to say and I’m too stubborn to quit entirely. Rest assured I’ll be back at you soon enough with something... a little different- that sounded weird and vaguely sinister, I just mean a different kind of rant/review.

[pyschosuaveharv]

John Wick 3 and the curse of the sequels

The first John Wick is a film I have a lot of respect for. It’s devotion to realism and attention to detail are honestly impressive. It felt like the kind of meticulously crafted film made by people with severe OCD. A love letter to action movies more passionate than my dogs attempt to mate with the furniture. The shots were beautiful, the fights were dynamic, the symbolism richer than the wet dreams of Mark Zuckerberg. Alas, this isn’t review for John Wick but a review for it’s sequels sequel. As such it’s bogged down by what I describe as the curse of the sequels.

Other than sounding like the name of the most ill fitting Harry Potter book, the curse of the sequels is a name for the slow deterioration of a once great idea stretched out for long enough to exhaust all creative ideas. For example, the first two Shrek movies are masterpieces and anybody that disputes that statement will be burned at the stake. However Shrek 3 and 4 feel like the retarded offspring that get bullied at school and rightly so. Whilst this process doesn’t effect all sequels it has certainly effected John Wick 3 to some degree.

John Wick 3 begins right as number 2 left off, John Wick running like an altar boy from a catholic priest, attempting to escape all the assassins that will shortly be attempting to murder him after he made a mess at a travel lodge for assassins.The first thing I picked up on is that the secret illuminati like organisation that runs all the assassin shit in these films seems a lot less secret now. In the first movie, there was a hotel, a doctor, a cleaner and an arms dealer that new about the secret society of murderous bastards. These services all seem like things it would be useful for an assassin to have for one reason or another. In the third movie, within the first few scenes we see that a taxi driver, a homeless guy and a librarian are also aware of the secret organisation. I’m sorry but what business does an assassin have in a library. “Excuse me miss do you have any books on how best to stab your foe?” “No? In that case I’ll take Pride and Prejudice.” Oh well I guess assassins do love a light bit of classical literature as the first fight scene occurs in said library after a dude built like a brick shit house quotes some Divine Comedy at John Wick. John then proceeds to have to a book involved in a very intimate relationship with the guys face and spinal column. Leaving me wondering how the spine of a book is sturdier than the spine of a tank in human form.

Later on, John fucks off to Morocco after meeting up with a person who is implied to be his mother figure and the one who trained him in the art of badassery. He then meets Halle Berry’s character whose name I can’t remember so I’ll refer to her as Jane Wick henceforth. So John, Jane and a couple of angry doggos go out in search of a guy who might be able to lead John to another guy who might be able to stop all the assassin guys from wanting John Wick murderised. The guy tells John where to find other guy but not before shooting Jane directly in the doggo. Battle scene ensues insert inevitable “I’ve been there” line from John.

Anyway John offscreens it all the way to a desert, says his fair wells to Jane and fucks off in search of the other guy who can make him a proper assassin again. Other guy gives John wick another chance in return for a finger. After the fingering John goes in search of his next target, the manager of the New York assassin travel lodge.

En route he’s attacked by a gang of stereotype-184 motorbike ninjas. After dispatching all the ninjas the big bad boss ninja is about to kill John but he touches the step of the travel lodge. The ninja let’s him go for fear of ruining the nice steps. They both check in to the hotel and John goes and meets with the manager. John decides to be a rebel and stop being a slave to the assassin guild meaning the symbolism of the finger lopping is now cast aside. John says a badass line and the movie ends, setting up a sequel where they fight the illuminati secret society head on. Wait no sorry, the movie decided it wanted to go on for another 20 minutes or so and we all have to begrudgingly accept it like the time a Spanish tribute band for take that did a half an hour encore at a hotel I was staying. Anyway a fight ensues (which would have served to be a much shorter plot summary for this whole trilogy of movies) between ninja guy and John. Ninja guy constantly gushes at Johns fighting abilities in the same way Keanu wished fans gushed about his acting and John inevitably wins. He then meets up with the Travel lodge manager who brokers a deal with the illuminati and forcibly checks John out of the hotel via the roof. John survives being thrown off the roof of the hotel because all sense of realism is dead in this film. I would have complained if John has survived confined to a wheel chair but as it stands, considering another movie is planned, John will probably walk it off like he stubbed his toe on the corner of a table. John says a badass line and the movie ends setting up a sequel where John fights the illuminati head on. If that line sounds familiar it’s because that exact thing happened twenty odd minutes ago but now the movie actually wants to end.

This review is already long enough so let’s wrap this all up. John wick one was an audiovisual adrenaline trip featuring amazing world building and a surprisingly heartfelt story. John wick three feels like a kid poorly copying John Wick one’s homework it’s not as original or as thrilling. The good scenes, shots and fights it does have feeling cheapened by proxy. I have been overly negative on this film, it’s much better than most of the tripe spewed out by Hollywood’s putrid anal cavity these days and I do think it’s a good movie. However when you’re sharing the John Wick name good just won’t cut it.

So that ends the review I just wanted to make a little note here that I haven’t actually seen the second John Wick as at the time of its release I could predict it would be much of what the third one inevitably was, John Wick one but less original. That being said I’ll watch it soon enough and I may in fact update this post if some of my issues are addressed by John Wick two, however I don’t think much will change as I tried to focus mainly on the third as a sequel to the first and as a movie in its own right.

Join me next time when I’ll be reviewing detective pikachu. Goodbye.

[pyschosuaveharv]

I'm coming out

For many years I've been living a lie.

I tried to deny it but I just can't anymore.

I'm scared my friends won't accept me if I tell the truth but it's hard to deny the way I feel.

I'm just going to come right out and say it...

I don't like anime.

Its pretty fucking gay

[pyschosuaveharv]

I Recently Watched: The End Of The Fucking World

I'm Harvey, i'm 15 and I'm pretty sure I'm an asshole.

WARNING PARTS MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT START TO FINISH AND SPOILERS ARE CONTAINED. ALSO THIS IS QUITE LONG.

I have mixed opinions on channel 4's hit new show: the end of the fucking world. It's much better than their usual shit and I hope that the success of this show takes them in a less shitty direction.

I liked James, he was an interesting character, his awkward detached nature somewhat resonated with me and his slow discovery that he wasn't a psychopath was also something I found compelling.

I liked the concept and most of the execution. As a teenager I have often considered what it would be like to run away. The show beautifully depicts this fantasy for the most part. On the one hand the pair crash a car, kill a dude spend time as fugitives, find Ellysa's asshole dad and James gets shot. On the other hand, they find love and companionship with each other,James starts to truly feel again and Ellysa no wait she is still a bitch.

I found the teen romance lacking and by lacking I mean entirely absent. James does nothing that could be considered romantic, he spends most of the time emotionless and trying to kill her. When he's not plotting her murder he's responding like a robot that just learned obscenities. When he's doing none of the above he's got his hand around an old guy's dick or killing a different old guy.

Ellysa wins the award for the being biggest bellend of the fucking world. She often starts arguments with people just making conversation (see diner scene for reference) or cheating on James who she often claims to be the love of her life. She never notices his strange behaviour until it's entirely justified, (say after a traumatic event in which you were forced to kill someone) ditches him after he was forced to kill a dude to save her life and then when they meet her dad forgets that she is a wanted criminal suspected of murder. On top of this, the only reason they were in that mess in the first place was because she decided to break into a random dudes house.

The two cops in charge of the case were in sufferable and I never got what their deal was in terms of relationship. It was a classic good cop, bad cop but it was executed so poorly I just dreaded the scenes they were in. Honestly, I don't even remember their names.

I think the pair made some of the worst decisions imaginable but I suppose that was kinda the point. Running away is kinda stupid. Stealing a car is kinda stupid. Killing a guy (and not burning the house down immediately to destroy all evidence) is kinda stupid. The point is stupid can end your life but it can also be the only way to feel like you're living it in the first place.

Although I have thrown many criticisms at this show I think that despite it's flaws it is a great show with an engaging plot start to finish. 7/10. But hey, if you don't like it, it's not the end of the fucking world.

(On a side note I believe that another series would ruin the plot and destroy any weight the show had so please no season two)

[pyschosuaveharv]

I Have Mixed Feelings About Tumblr Already.

At this point I've been on the site for a total of half an hour (longer than I expected to last) and I'm already in two minds about it.

On the one hand it seems to be entirely focused on your own personal identity and stuff you would be interested in based on that, this I'm all for.

However it also feels like some strange sort of online interrogation. Right off the bat it's annoying user interface bombards you with a spiders web of topics. These then branch off (or web off I guess) into sub categories which you can also select. Yet with all this choice I still can't find the "big anime shrek tits" genre anywhere.

I can't shake the feeling that this app is screaming at me every few seconds that I'm a special snowflake and that I need to express myself. While it is kind of obnoxious, I understand it given tumblr's main demographic.

Overall, it's goodish just not what I'm used to.