pytracy789

[pytracy789]

Creating problems out of nothing..

Probably.

Fuck man, Anxiety

This pulse in my head twitch in my eye shallow breath mistke of believing in something.

It’s easy just to give up

Find the calm in the bull shit. Don’t stir the echos and anger don’t mistake the heart burn for indigestion it’s passion.

Believe, trust, persevere. Sometimes it isn’t easy but remember the end goal when you get there.

[pytracy789]

2018-10-20

Stacks of books and piles of clothes, no shortage of things to wear or read. belly full from left overs of last night and somehow they tasted better. Got my first paycheck from a job I am in love with and surrounded by people far superior then me. I cant lose this momentum. I cant forget how far I’ve come in my mental and emotional capacity to love myself and love another. I still lack respect. I enjoy working in a field where we can ask if someone has thought about what they want for their loved ones when they die... That's it for now … for today maybe not … maybe in the chaos of things I chose to do and people I chose to spend time with I will remember to write. -TAG 

[pytracy789]

Le Job search y la 401K

I am often beat down, overwhelmed and a victim of my own self hate and predjucies... 

I gotta love myself in order to push my agenda ... not on any one in particular but fuvk let me get my words out there. I have a handful hat would listen and I am excited to feel liberated.. un isolated and like I can actually make a difference. 

Here we go Gente... FOllow me if you have los huevos grandes y los corazons de razon y amor de la vida que su tiene. 

[pytracy789]

Time wasted

It’s ok to waste time

It’s alright To spend a day where you ain’t do shiiiitttt

Was feeling stir crazy

A bit of locked up locked away locked outside from the everyday world

But my boyfriend got me

[pytracy789]

What does your rainbow look like?

4 days away from jobless and I think I haven't felt the severity enough. Joseph, my manager, mentor, asshole friendish dude... said that I was an idiot to quit without having another job lined up. He infuriates me. he only does it because I am with his friend and he doesn't want me taking advantage of my boyfriend. I get it and I also think he comes from a place of love. He wants me to better myself and have realistic goals and focuses. I am dying in a place of un-purpose and motivation. I am not oblivious enough to work for a make money for a company that does not contribute to my life values. 

I often feel anxiety about all the gravity of every problem. I am coming from an upbringing of issues and sometimes when I think of how I want to share this with the world I think about how they don't want or need to hear it.. What would make me attractive to someone else? What makes someone attracted to me or me attracted to someone? What is the meaning of life.. Existentialism on a Tuesday... That Tracy Gomez eh.. or Lucero Guzman... I need to publish something... I need to get my works out there. Out on paper out of my mind and to the masses.....

The end of my rainbow is not a pot of gold it honestly as cliche as it sounds is a sense of peace and calmness it is not screaming at my son when he is hyperactive, at my boyfriend when he does his little idiosyncrasies, my family when they do ghetto bull shit, my friends when they reach their accepted level of toxicity. 

 Its being ok. IF I am OK is there still something to strive for...?. Is it money? 

Maybe it is maintenance maybe that's what I need to focus on the maintenance of life.. The continuous fulfillment of existing in a satisfactory level. 

Here we go then eh?  

[pytracy789]

Joseph’s a dick

Broke up with Josh yesterday over the phone and I guess I have the opposite of what buyers remorse would be but honest truth if you asked me if I’d do it all over again and I’d wish I’d did it differently. I don’t think we would have ended up together. The sex was amazing but there were things he did that didn’t sit well with me and I don’t think I could have ever been happy with myself if I fell into the video game alcoholic trap we were bound to set up. Joseph’s a dick tho acting like I shouldn’t be bothered... acting like it is what it is and I don’t have a right to be sad. Well I am. I wish I stopped it sooner. I had feelings for him and I really just wished they’d go away already. I’m a destructive person. I like hurting myself and other people if they aren’t helping me accomplish my goals. Why am I even crying in the first place ... why do I even feel sad at all. Why do I want to mess with him .... just leave him alone.

[pytracy789]

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski   (via wolf-cub)

[pytracy789]

8:36 3/23

It’s early in the morning and I am thinking..

Where I’ll be in 5 years

What I’m doing with my life

I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me

My old friends and how I’ve pushed them away

My goals

My son

Always my son

I worry about feeling the way I felt before and I never want to feel that way again

I want to work harder to reach the point of where I want to be

[pytracy789]

Pages and segap

Watching my fresh bathed, bed dressed 2.75 year old son flip pages in books which makes his own story for each page has to be one of the worlds best things. He says the Akreem... the potatoes the house the town the snowman the lemon the go brush and the little noises

[pytracy789]

Done fucked up

Dude little man is now 2 years and 8 months and shit has hit the fan literally... not like that one time my mom was drunk and began to shit on a fan for dramatic effect... I remember feeling like, “ normal people don't experience shit like this ...” maybe I was wrong maybe my shit was normal and this is all regular ... Any whoo...  I myself have had 2 beers so far.. so here is my year long update.. I lost myself in self hate. I felt ugly and uninteresting.. unattractive and stupid me, i sought the worst kind of confirmation from men who could care less about my situations. it threw me it scared me and shook me and i ruined things with my ex.. i cheated on him to make a long ugly story short but tbh that isnt the only reason he ended things with me... i got crazy i would talk to him as if he was the biggest disappointment in the world and although he wasn’t the most supportive person I could have walked away and not have been such a pathetic sore loser. I Wish i could say that I am completely over it but honestly i am not.. I miss him .. I miss the concept of a family with a kid and the satisfying image that portrayed.. Ive got ideas man good ones I swear.. whats the point though if i am not willing to fight these pictures into fruition... I got this new boss and he says  a lot of big words and i enjoy his extended vocabulary and i enjoy getting to take part of it. I heard from a friend who is now a teacher who was subbing at our old high school that one of the school teachers asked what I was up to and when he told her she said, “she needs to get her shit together” now at the point of time that i heard this I was fresh out of my relationship and not in the best place so it made me feel ugly but now i think back to it and it makes me feel good like even that piece of shit teacher knew i was good for something.. what that something is i dont know but i am excited to find out.. 

[pytracy789]

Love Takes Hostages

Wither it be Music, Books, Food, or People,you fall in love. Even if it was for a moment.

[pytracy789]

[pytracy789]

New Mom

My little dude is 1 year and 3 months old or 15 months as some parents say. Why do they say that.. ? I honestly still don’t know even though I am now a parent myself. Maybe they do it because everyone else is doing it. Parental peer pressure.. This makes sense to me. I am trying to stay away from being negative or I guess I am trying to focus on the positive. I am not good at it. Thoughts creep into my mind and I get tired. I find myself sleeping too often. I do not like that, or smoking cigarettes and drinking too much. Its not good for the baby. I want to be the best mom I can be.I am lying I enjoy smoking cigarettes and drinking too mush.. much. Maybe what I am trying to say is that I hate that I like it so much. I miss the old days. back then I had no idea those were the old days. I thought that it was only gonna get better. So what does that make this time?.. I am trying to have self control and be responsible and yea I am not completely alone but maybe that is a bad thing. I have heard of stories of those who persevere solely due to their dire situations. Maybe my life is too cushy. Maybe. Ha ah uh... I am a mess sometimes. I hate being like that at work all weirdly clingy and nice. I “manage” these shitty little assholes sometimes. Sometimes they are cool too like “M”. She makes my days brighter and makes me feel so happy.. I wish she was my mom. My mom.. oh I am not ready to go down that road. I just need to let off some steam. Put these words out there get these thoughts or thoughts of thoughts out of my head... #THOT.. I will not go crazy anymore.. I will not be upset about things I cannot control. I will learn, as much as I can, from my mistakes and try very hard to end them. 

[pytracy789]

Wait, weight... what? #parentlife #newmom

[pytracy789]

Double Dragonite

[pytracy789]

Lol

[pytracy789]

reblog if u have never sinned or if u only take it up the ass