qotsadalle-blog

[qotsadalle-blog]

They look the same!!

[qotsadalle-blog]

Almost summarized, Partial story about how another girl broke my stupid heart AGAIN.

Sorry, I’m about to vent about my heartbreak, nobody has to read this, I just have no one to really vent about this. and again, Sorry for the length…

Beginning note, A year ago, I had gotten out of a 2 year, really toxic/abusive relationship. Like emotionally and physically abusive, where I was beaten or put down for having any emotions or getting bothered by something. I was always gaslighted and manipulated to stay etc. I finally had the courage to leave the second I had found out she had cheated on me 3 months into the relationship. (Basically I found out like more than a year and a half later) so I didn’t take that well. I was dumb because there were so many bad signs, like little notes I found about her wanting to leave and be with other girls, and the main one that destroyed me was the note I found saying that every time she was with me, she was imagining she was with another girl. I confronted her about those things numerous times throughout the relationship and the end result was her gaslighting me, getting angry with me, blaming me, me trying to leave and her manipulating me back into staying and me apologizing. I eventually built that courage to leave last year, and I had remained single since that time. I was experiencing more life things focusing on myself, and definitely not focusing on getting into something serious for awhile since it was a long relationship where I lived with her. I was going out, having fun, recontacting old friends I lost contact with due to the manipulation from my old relationship where I had to cut all my friends out, and even making new friends. I started to take care of myself, and I eventually learned to be independent on my own, and even at that I had been happy and gotten out of the swirling depression that had developed due to my ex. I really didn’t care to get in a serious relationship. I ended up meeting a few girls and experimenting, but I learned that “hooking up” was definitely not my thing, still isn’t, but I met a few girls and had crushes but none ever really worked out.

Eventually, There was a pride festival that had came up in a city 2 hours away from me (in which I had several friends out there) so I stayed at a friends for that weekend. I just went to pride to have fun with my friends really. I went to lesbian clubs and I had fun, but it was already becoming whatever to me. I was over it. I was about to head back home the second night there after a long day of day drinking, and I get a text from my friends saying, let’s go to this lesbian bar, and I decided… sure why not. I get there and I wait in line with my best guy friend(he’s my number one best friend mind you, he knows me just about completely). He supports me through everything. Anyways, my friends find us in line and we were all cool. One of my friends in specific is like super social and knows almost like everyone, so these 2 girls come by and my social friend literally calls them over and says hi and offers for them to cut in line. One in particular appeared really straight, (not trying to be stereotypical here, but she had really long manicured acrylic nails on). Not only that some straight guy tried grinding on her and she went with it at first. She also was wearing a sports bra showing off her big boobs.They both looked intimidating so I kept close to my best friend and my other friend. We finally get into the bar, and my social friend buys us all a round of shots, in which that straight looking girl tells me to down my shot and after a whole day of day drinking, I was like, I’m good, no thanks. I end up alone with my best friend and I get him to drink half of my shot(they were huge shots). Straight looking girl comes up and convinces my best friend to take half of hers too. Then we proceed to take the shot. The night passes where I hang out with my friends and social friend and straight looking girl disappears. They come back and straight looking girl initiates conversation with me. We talk, and she invites me to dance and we dance a little bit. We end up talking a lot through the night and I was wondering, why is she talking to me so much right? We go back to the table where my best friend is sitting(he’s a straight male so being at a lesbian bar he preferred to mind his own and sit down) and she says something to him in his ear. Her and I go off to the dance floor with our friends, and then she comes up to me and says “Hey I need to go to the bathroom, do you want to come with me?” and I was like um, okay sure. We go and she tells me she didn’t have to go, She just wanted to talk to me alone. We talk some more. I learned she lives 2 hours away from me, which is cool because I have friends in the same city. She then brings up how my social friend told her she wants to cuddle with her and asked me what I thought. I told her it was harmless because my social friend says she wants to cuddle with everyone because she loves cuddling. My social friend always told us how she wanted to cuddle with all of us so I just thought it was normal. Straight looking girl (Gonna just call her S from now on to make this easier) proceeded to ask me, “Your friend told me she wants to cuddle with me, you don’t think that’s harmful?” And I respond saying I mean I know my friend and I don’t think it’s harmful. She kept reiterating the question, until I said “I mean it depends on who it’s harmful for. It’s not harmful if the person doesn’t want something serious and just wants to cuddle, it’s only harmful if a person would have serious feelings while she does not.” And then she just responded with an “Okay Then”. I thought it was really weird she kept asking me that.  I leave her and I go ask my best friend what she told him, and he said “She thinks you’re really cute. She also said something about never getting nervous around girls but with you for some reason she’s nervous.”

In my disbelief and shock, I guess she was crushing on me. I was surprised and actually kind of felt a connection with her so I crushed on her back. The bar was about to close so our group of friends decide to leave and we decide to go eat somewhere and she holds my hand the entire way to my car (I drove all of us since nobody had their car except me, I was also sober that entire night)

We get to the restaurant and she’s so touchy with me and In my head I felt she moved fast but I accepted it. She was cold, I gave her my sweater. We all play the question game the entire night. Car ride back to my friend’s car, my friends throw me under the bus by asking, “When’s the last time you had sex?” Because they know I had sex recently. I’m an honest person and I made it clear on how Much I value honesty and I admitted the truth because I don’t take pride in lying. I felt uncomfortable because I admitted to my crush(S) that I slept with someone recently, but I said I wanted to be honest because that’s my number one value. She was cool with it but anyways, we get to my friend’s car and I drop them off and then I had to drop my crush and her friend off at her car, so I drop them off. We both need gas. We go to a gas station and exchange numbers, and we hug, and S proceeds to say, “I’m going to regret it if I don’t do this” so she kisses me.

She had me hooked.

Before I drive home, I send her a text about how I was happy we met etc.

We spend a lot of time talking, and she was really good at keeping conversation with me. She tells me she has something important to tell me and that she’d rather facetime me about it rather than text it. We face time and she admits she made out with my social friend prior to talking with me at the bar. I didn’t trip because Her and I didn’t even get to talk before then so I didn’t care. It was fine, and she said it wasn’t as meaningful as her and I’s kiss.

I was starting to crush a little more on her because she was honest.

Later that night, she says she’s going to be an hour away from me because she’s dropping her friend off and if I wanted to meet her half way. I thought to myself, “I gotta see this girl again.”

We basically met in a city exactly between us. So I drove an hour to see her even for a little since her and I both worked the next day. We talk for several hours, and she tells me the reason behind her nails and also her last relationship.

She explains how she has kept her nails long because she didn’t want to have sex with anyone. She kept them as a self control thing and to keep her single until she met the right girl worth cutting them for. I thought that was clever and interesting. Thought it was cool. She also told me about how her last relationship hurt her pretty bad and that it was sort of this weird love triangle where is ex was manipulative and abusive and I could relate. She also mentioned still remaining close to her exes even after the drama and I could relate as well because After time passed with my break up with my ex, I remained friends with my ex. Anyways, She had been single for over a year and so had I for the most part, so I actually began to really like the girl. By the end of the night we cuddled and talked in her car until morning where she had to drive an hour back to go to work, and I had to head home so I could nap and then go to work. We spend everyday talking and even calling and falling asleep on the phone together. One day, out of nowhere we get in a weird miscommunication regarding friends I guess. My other friend was mad at me for having a crush on S because I was putting a lot of attention into my crush instead of her. (She just had a weird friend dependency, she doesn’t have feelings for me in that way) and I tell S about how my friend was upsetting me because she was getting angry at me for having a big crush and not giving her attention while my social friend had been texting S and flirting with S this entire time. She tells me about it and me, knowing my social friend, I tell her that my friend usually does that with every girl. My friend loves girls, it’s harmless, but it bothered me and I told S. She persists on explaining that my friend keeps flirting so, me being concerned, I confront my social friend about it and my social friend admits to liking S. After so much drama with my previous relationship, I was like, if you like her I can stop seeing her, I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship(after losing so many friends from a girl, I’d choose my friends anyday), and my social friend was like no it’s okay, etc etc and things clear up between my social friend and I. She supposedly will no flirt anymore. S then accuses me of being a risk to sleeping with my friends. She thinks that my friends and I are weird and that I have a high possibility to sleep with them. I reassured her that Neither I or my friends have ever had any kind of relations or feelings like that and that my friends are just weird. She compares my friends to hers and how she knows where she stands with her friends and gets bothered by how I know my friends are flirty and jealous types. She gets upset but then we get through it with reassurance sort of?

Things are back to normal.

Fast forward. One of the nights, she tells me how she wished I was there to cuddle and I love to show effort and dedication so I told her I was down to drive over and see her even if itms for a few hours. She gets really excited and I go all the way to her, meaning a 2 hour drive after my shift, mind you it’s night time. I get there and we talk and cuddle, and then We fall asleep. We wake up, and both have to go to work. We get ready and before we leave we take cute pictures and videos together, and she gives me her jacket to take with me and I leave her my jacket. We both leave her place and i drive 2 hours back to get to work while she’s already working. We continue the cute stuff, texting everyday, and the next weekend comes up and we plan to meet. I meet up with my friends and her friends and her at this bar. I have a few drinks and our friends and us were all dancing together. So many guys tried hitting on me, and she kept coming to save the day by coming up and kissing me every time they tried and whenever they hit on her I’d interfere as well. All of our friends were cheering us on, and then that same night she offers to let me stay with her and her friends at her friend’s place. All of us spent some time talking and laughing and eventually, everyone goes to sleep and her and I cuddle and make out, then we fall asleep.

Next day comes and she says it’s her dad’s birthday and then invites me to come with her. Weird because She already is letting me meet her family? Wow. Like i’m already meeting her close friends, her family, like wow. She must really be serious about me now. I meet her her family and i spend the day with them, not only that She holds my hand and kisses me in front of them, so I think wow she must really like me. Later that day we meet up with her friends again and we get drunk and take a bunch of cute pictures together and we were really intimate. We go back to her place and sleep until she has to work and I end up staying in her place alone all day until she gets back from work. We then spend more time relaxing until she finally has to take me home. She lets me do some inappropriate things her her(because she wanted it even though I wanted to move slow, strictly fingers and she couldn’t do anything to me with those acrylic nails of hers). We go eat before she takes me home, so she takes me to one of her favorite restaurants and I see her texting someone. She explains it’s one of her friends who has feelings for her. She said that she didn’t have feelings for her friend and that her friend is just sad that she didn’t say she had feelings sooner because I came along. She said it’s okay though because her friend understands that she’s into me now etc. I don’t trip because she was honest and told me she didn’t have any feelings for her friend. After we ate and the long ride home, we listened to cute music and things felt cute and right. I then ask her more questions to get to know her more and I asked her about her first loves, and she talks about how she had a love triangle with her two best friends and that she did some messed up things when she was young and learned from them. I thought it was funny. She then proceeds to tell me about how her and her friends are going on a trip and that me and my best guy friend are invited. I was happy to take a vacation with her and her friends and my friend so I agree and it’s a plan.

Anyways fast forward.

Her and I still talking and go about the week. Things are smooth.

As I mentioned above, S and her exes remained close friends as I had remained friends with my ex after time passed(It was certain my ex and I were done). She continuously told me about how her ex knows about me and how her ex trips out on her for being with me. She reassured me I had nothing to worry about and that her ex was harmless. I was okay with that because I know it’s possible to be friends with exes, although it did bother me that her ex was still giving her problems when she was with me. Anyways, out of nowhere, my ex finds out about S and goes off on me, and I get upset because I moved on and no longer had feelings and I guess she did have feelings still and got angry for me moving on. I got really upset and told S, and S said she can’t see me anymore because she doesn’t want to deal with ex drama. I told her it was nothing to worry about and I blocked my ex because It was not worth losing the girl I was seeing over an ex I didn’t have feelings for. I cut my ex out because it made her uncomfortable, and also because my ex had no right in who I see. S says she isn’t going to see me that weekend kr anymore really because of my ex drama but then I get really sad because I had already blocked my ex and S was backing out. I accepted it and got distant and S got upset and S changed her mind and

She decides to visit me for that weekend. She gives me this 6 page long, cute letter. She had me so sprung at that point because of what the letter said. Next day We go to a museum. We go on a food date. She spends a lot of time on her phone and I see she’s texting her friend. The one who has feelings for her. No biggy. We go run errands and I want to cook her dinner but I missed my friend’s birthday, so I was sort of forced to go spend time with my friend and our other friends so I offered for S to come and she was like “I’m too tired” and she wanted to stay at my place while I was to go out. One of the errands we ran was to get things to remove her nails because she wanted me to remove them. So We spent about and hour removing the acrylics and then cutting her nails short. It was a cute intimate thing. Anyways, later that night her and I have some shots before I go to meet with my friends and she lays in my bed, and last minute she decides she’ll come with me to meet my friends at the club for my friend’s birthday. We go, and the next day she wanted to leave back to her city early because she wanted to go to church with one of her friends and so she left and I understood.

The day after that I was pretty sad because I worked and wasn’t going to see her the next weekend because I was scheduled to work that weekend. She was acting really weird that day, and was replying really slow to my texts. She told

Me she was with a friend and they were watching a movie. I didn’t bother asking which friend or who because that seemed out of place for me to ask, but it was cool because it’s not wrong to watch movies with friends. Anyways, I was at work while this was happening and she was telling me she was getting ready for bed so I told her goodnight and she said before I sleep, I need you to see this. She sends me a picture of my work. I was confused as to why she had a picture like that, and it had turned out she came to drop me off a lunch. She surprised me. Cute af.

Fast forward, I worked that weekend but i was like screw this I gotta see her. Anyways I see her that weekend even if I worked; I met her ex, more of her family, and her best friends I already knew. The whole time I was there her ex was completely unhappy I was there. Things seemed fine though, her ex leaves and we spend the day together and we drive back to my place and I go to work as she sleeps. The next day I have to drive her back early so she can spend time with her ex because her ex bought her tickets to something, and she was obligated to go. I drive 2 hours back to take her to spend time with her ex. The whole drive her and I discussed a lot of things regarding relationships and stuff. Then we discussed her ex and how she doesn’t want to lose her ex etc etc. I was understanding about it. Then I drive another 2 hours back to get to work. While I’m at work, I sort of think a lot of our discussion through. She had basically made me cut out my ex who actually had been a good friend to me, while she was allowed to keep her ex around and spend time with her ex. I was fine with her being friends with her ex because I trusted her, but what struck me was she threatened to back out of us dating because of my ex. Yes, my ex tripped out on me, but the thing is, so did her ex towards me. I mean I didn’t mind blocking my ex because I mean my ex is my ex. I respected the relationship developing, but it was this issue that she was allowed to keep her ex around and I wasn’t allowed to be bothered by their friendship? I confronted S about my feelings regarding her ex and she made me feel of an ass of myself, saying that she can’t lose her ex and stuff. I kind of just accepted what she had said and allowed it. I gave her some trust.

This next week comes up and she questions a lot of things through out the week. She asks me about how I feel when she doesn’t text me for long periods and I respond telling her I understand when she doesn’t because I understand she lives a busy life. Keep in mind that throughout the time I’ve gotten to know her, she has complained about how too many people are emotionally dependent on her and that she gets too stressed out balancing out her work, her school, and her family problems. She complains that it gives her anxiety, and stuff like that. Lucky for her, I had just gotten out of codependent toxic relationship and learned to be independent and not dependent on another person to keep me grounded and happy. I worked for myself and found things that made me happy that wasn’t another person. So all in all, I told her it was fine, so long as she told me what was going on with her and I told her I trusted her. A few times throughout knowing her I’d tell her about the people who would compliment me, and she would ask me questions regarding getting attention and stuff. And I just responded saying that I do like receiving attention but not in a bad way, and I told her it made me feel good getting reassurance after my last relationship where i was often made to feel ugly and put down. Then she proceeded to insult me by saying I talk about myself a lot and that me liking attention worries her because she feels that people who like attention, when they don’t get it from who they want, they go searching for it somewhere else. That immediately made me shut off because that was insulting that she told me those things, because I’m such a loyal person, and not only that, The only attention I seeked was from her, and even if she didn’t give it to me, I was fine because I’m not dependent on another person like that anymore. I refused to be, and it upset me. Note that this topic and these questions kept popping up throughout the time knowing her. She always asked me if It bothered me if she couldn’t cater to my attention needs and honestly, yes, It slightly made me sad if she didn’t text back fast and stuff, but the grown part of me was understanding and never got upset over it because I was busy too and I just understand not being able to talk 24/7. But all in all, it wasn’t something that wad a deal breaker or anything like that, I admire independent people because I’m independent myself, so long as you’re honest and I can trust you, then everything is fine. I reiterated to her that the only things I really need is the truth.

If she isn’t feeling the relationship anymore, she could tell me anything, even if it hurt me, that I’d prefer that rather than finding out. That’s the one thing I asked and she said she was awfully blunt.

Also keep in mind during this time she would post a lot of things about her and I and me on social media. She’d make a lot of cute posts about me that made me feel reassured about her and trust her. All of the things she did made me feel trusting of her. But her constant comments about me talking about myself a lot and the attention thing was kind of bothersome. I brought it up once saying what made her believe I talked about myself a lot and she said that her ex and her friends said I talked about myself a lot when I met them. That was something that hurt my feelings mostly because I don’t believe I talk about myself a lot, and usually when people talk to me, they ask me how my day was, and I tell them. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to talk about myself when I was asked about my day. Ugh there’s so much to this story but i’ll summarize this last part.

Basically I see her another weekend and she spends at least 87% of that weekend on her phone. And we cuddle in her bed and I see her texts cause she’s texting in front of me. It’s that friend that has feelings for her and her name has heart emojis on it and the texts said something along the lines of “You’re worth it💕”

And they consistently text. I emotionally shut off right there. I did not feel safe. I felt myself emotionally detaching once I saw that. Her and I were still dating but it was made to seem like her and I were exclusive. Everyone thought her and I were already girlfriends. But I still didn’t know where we stood because it was way too fast and too soon to say. I didn’t know my place and me looking over to read her texts while she was texting didn’t feel comfortable, especially if I saw something fishy, and me confronting it didn’t seem right because I wasn’t her girlfriend yet and me asking seemed a little bad in my eyes. I let it slide. “You’re worth it💕” could mean anything really. That week was a little off. Her texting was poor, and I felt myself emotionally detaching a lot, mostly because that week she said she was really stressed out about all the emotionally draining things in her life going on. A lot of family problems came up for her and keep in mind that the weekend coming up was our planned trip. I felt like me going to her with my feelings would be too much for her because she kept getting frustrated with everyone’s emotions and problems. I didn’t want to bother her because she was extremely stressed and quite frankly, any negative emotions I had were tolerable. Nothing serious and I could handle it. I was happy and fine. But her consistent complaining about having to cater to everyone made me worry for her because she has anxiety and I reassured her that I was there for her, but I did feel like I couldn’t be emotional with her because she already had a lot on her plate that made her feel miserable. Even so I wasn’t really too emotional either way. But as the week progressed, I took on working a second job, uber and lyft, to make extra money for our trip. I hardly got sleep that week, and her and i both seemed busy. Majority of that week I could tell she was doing something and I hustled at work. I did notice she had a friend helping her out a lot that week. Things felt really off but the weekend came and it was time for the trip. The niggt prior to the trip, she gets mad at me over something small and says she doesn’t want to go on the trip anymore and I talk it out with her. Everything is fine. I drive to pick everyone up, mind you her friends are 2 hours away and shes another 2 hours away. I get them and we drive another 4 hours to get to our vacation location(keep in mind i drove the entire time and I laid for 80% of the gas). We go out that night and her and her friend make us get really drunk. Once we got back from the night out, she completely shuts off. She acts like a total bitch towards me. I asked her what’s wrong and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I told her that i’m here and asked if there’s anything I can do to make it better. She said she just wants to be left alone. I respect that and I sleep far away from her to give her space. Next morning comes and her friends wake us up really early to go to our next event. I don’t speak to her the whole morning we all get ready. She finally comes to talk to me and acts like NOTHING happened that night. She acts like she wasn’t being mean at all. Since we were on vacation, I happily just swept it under the rug because why ruin a time that was supposed to be fun. We ended up doing a lot of fun activities but she was on her phone A LOT. Anyways we get back to the hotel and She then proceeds to ask if I want to shower with her, which made me apprehensive because that’s really intimate and I have not seen her naked and She has not seen me naked either. I then said screw it because I was already really attracted to her. After the shower, we cuddled in bed and she was on her phone. I didn’t really pay attention. Then she initiates sex, which I lowkey wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted it because of how things had been going and I felt it was too fast and too soon, but I was attracted to her so I let her have me and she let me do her. (The handful of times we did anything sexual it was strictly me doing things to her) but this was the first time I let her do anything to me because I really liked her. I didn’t really get off/finish. But after the sex, we cuddled with the tv on and her on her phone. I glanced over to who she was texting and what she was typing because it’s natural instinct to look at what and who someone is texting when they’re on their phone a LOT. What did I read?

Her texting that friend of her’s that liked her. The texts?

“I was thinking about you the entire time.”

“Emotionally you have me. I’m with (myname) but *something something i dont remember what it said*”

And then I read her texting her friend that’s in the other room

“(Myname) is this but (herfriendthatlikesher) is this”

I don’t remember what they said.

But after that. I had completely shut off. I had just gave myself away to this girl, I was serious about this girl. I didn’t know what to do, if I should have confronted it or what, mostly because her and I did not put a label down because it was way too early for a label on us and because I thought we were exclusive. I felt it was too soon for me to trip about something that a girlfriend would trip about and even at that I didn’t feel comfortable telling her I glanced over and reD what she was typing. I emotionally just cut myself off. I went out with my best guy friend alone and we talked about it and he told me he was worried. Next day we all go eat breakfast and then her and my best guy friend have an alone talk. She vents to him about how She feels i’m not emotional with her.

Later that day She confronts me about the emotional thing. We have an hour+ long discussion and partial argument about me not being emotional with her even though I didn’t have much to be emotional about. We talk it out, and things seem fixed and different. The vacation ends, I drop everyone off, and I go home. The next week seems even more weird and fishy. She is stressing over school, work, and family again. She has a financial problem that pops up, so I offer to help her, because I didn’t like seeing her struggle. She accepts the financial help and says she can get it from me at my friend’s party the upcoming weekend. My initial plan was to drive 2 hours to see her and then go to my friend'a party, but  As the week progresses, Her and I get in another argument because I try to back out of the “relationship”. She gets upset with me and I explain to her why, she says she understands and says she sees that I have made up my mind yet she continues to call me baby and babe, and continues to act like we’re exclusive. I decide not to back out of seeing her. We resolve the argument and She made me feel reassured that we were going to work things out. I was thankful for her being understanding of what I said so in gratitude I surprise sent her a box of chocolate covered strawberries. She was happy. Things seemed better and Us making up made me assume I was seeing her that weekend. Not going to lie, that entire week I could not stop thinking about the texts I saw her type and I finally decided I’d confront her about it that weekend when I finally met up with her in person because phone calls and texts are difficult and things can be taken out of context and there is lack of expression. I asked her if I was seeing her and she said she made plans to study with a friend for school already so she couldn’t see me that day but she could meet me at my friend’s party. I was like oh, I thought I was gonna see you, and she said she needed to study and I said I’d help. She didn’t accept it and said reiterated that she was studying with her friend already. That bothered me because I really wanted to talk to her about it to clear things up but she didn’t want to. Since I had that night free, I go out with my friends and I see she went out with her friend to a bar instead. I asked her which friend she’s with and she just put her friend’s first initial. She knows I know her friend’s full name, so it struck me when She tried to cover up which friend it was. I got upset so I called her because I was sort of upset with how the night went. I was giving her attitude because she was acting weird and blew me off for another person when I wanted to discuss things in person and She got mad at me for being upset and blamed me for trying to back out of the dating and not planning the weekend out. I told her I thought things were fine that i was going to spend the weekend with her. She was frustrated and then I ended up apologizing for giving her attitude because she made me feel bad for getting mad at her. She eventually forgives me and says she’ll see me tomorrow and not to forget the money. Next day comes I wake up late and run late to my friends party. I see she spent the night at her friends place. All questionable things. Fast forward to when she finally shows up to my friend’s party. We have a little fun but I had been drinking so I was pretty drunk. We finally have alone time to talk and I confront her about the texts. She admits what I saw was true. She admits she has feelings for her friend that has feelings for her. I get upset and angry. She LIED TO ME. The thing I told her the first day I met is how the most important thing to me is HONESTY. I repeated it to her a million times throughout us knowing each other. I just want the truth no matter how much it hurts or whatever, All I ask from anyone is their honesty, especially after dealing with a horribly abusive, lying ex. I have asked her many times that If she isn’t looking for something serious, she can at least tell me so I have the choice to leave or not and have the choice in how much I give. I’ll skip through this argument here and basically I ended up screaming at her to fucking leave the party and once she left, I started crying my stupid eyes out. Note, I never really cry, last time I cried was over my ex which had been a year in the past. Worst part is I cried in front of so many people. My friends all comforted me, and then I stopped crying and I fixed myself up. I felt better. She came back to the party but outside in her car and told me to come talk. I sobered up and I talked to her again in her car. I asked her if she had sex with her friend before I had sex with her. She said yes. She tried to dodge the question, and but I got it out of her. I was angry and very much hurt because I gave myself away to her. I threw the stupid money on the floor of her car, walked out and said “I hope she makes you happy.”

She later had been text arguing with me. She never acknowledged the fact that I gave her that money. She also kept blaming her falling for her friend on me because I wasn’t emotionally attached. I was emotionally attached, just not emotionally dependent. And she kept saying how I made her feel like She was cheating on me when we weren’t official. Like she put me through so much in so little time, am I wrong for feeling utterly destroyed? How many damn times will girls picture other girls over my face and use my body and money? The first thing I asked of her was to be honest, and she couldn’t do that one thing. If she wanted to just sleep with me, she could have just fucking told me instead of me and the whole world thinking her and I were a serious exclusive thing. I gave way more than I should have. I spent over $1000 on that vacation we took alone. Like if she wanted to just have sex, cool, I would’ve done it and not gotten emotionally attached. That’s the easiest thing, but she MADE ME believe we were something. Yet here she was in love with her friend and her friend allowing it. Like her friends and her knew and she waited to tell me she had sex and was in love with her best friend AFTER she got what she wanted from me. AND not only that! She fucking didn’t even tell me! I had to confront her about it! I had fo ask her. And oh man can you imagine the insults she threw at me after I got angry with her? Bringing up how I’m conceited, bringing up how i made her feel insecure and unimportant because I was independent. I ALWAYS catered to her. Always texted always tried to talk, always tried to help. I made the drives and efforts to see her. Yes, she may have paid for herself a few times, but I did give a lot more and she has the nerve to say that I made her feel insignificant. Oh man. I even came to that realization that she didn’t even drive two hours to surprise me at work, she was on a date with her best friend to watch atomic blonde and it was convenient for ehe because I was an hour away from her fucking friend, that she could easily drop by like she did! She even had the FUCKING NERVE to accuse me of possibly sleeping with my friends, when not ONCE have I EVER slept with ANY OF MY FRIENDS, when SHE WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED UP SLEEPING WITH HER FRIEND. And then she had the nerve to make me cut out my ex, when she couldn't even cut out hers! And she said I made her feel insignificant. Like HOW?! Dumb red flags I should have seen: She refused to add me on snapchat. She preferred long distance relationships. Like why am I so stupid?! Ohhh my gosh so much to this. There’s so much to this rant but i’m actually super tired from typing this out. Feedback anyone?

Am I crazy? Where did I go wrong?

I left out A LOT of details here, but man. Sorry for this novel lol.