qtproductions-blog1

[qtproductions-blog1]

So..

I guess that I would rather use this page for a different reason, given that I’ve almost completed my masters and no longer feel that it has of use anymore.

Just now, I feel alone. I go through stages. Sometimes I don’t feel alone, so much. Sometimes I am able to just be, and be okay with that. But a lot of the time, I just feel so alone. It can come out of no where, or I sometimes force the feeling. Just now, it’s come out of no where. I have been so good lately. I haven’t felt, or thought, or stopped for a moment to feel alone. I’ve been pushing myself, really pushing myself to be better. But I’m so fucking tired. Just now, I was scrolling through the 272 people who have looked at my Instagram story. And as much as that sounds superficial, I never thought I’d feel more alone. Have you ever just scrolled through all of your ‘friends’ or ‘followers’ on Facebook or Instagram, and genuinely know who they are, how you became to know them, and not have a single one that you could talk to.. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

Hey

So I’m not sure if I’ll even sent this, so if you’re reading it, I guess I found the courage to. 

Now I want to start with, please read this with an open mind, and do not feel obliged to respond in any way. For me, I find writing letters the easiest way to open up to someone - and seeing as though I wont know the next time I get to see you, or even speak to you, I feel as though I owe you this much if you have event the slightest of feelings towards me. 

I don’t find pure affection towards someone often. Yeah I can be attracted to someone, and that happens a lot. But the fine line is thats usually physical or platonic. I desire affection, I crave attention. I fall for people really fast, only when I mean it though. My last relationship was five years. All wonderful, we’re still friends, but it’s taken me a while to be okay alone. I guess since we ended it, I’ve been much more prone to filling that constant desire.

I used to, before I met Shaun, be so confident alone. Give or take. I’ve suffered from a deep melancholy my entire life. I wouldn’t label it as depression, but there have been times you could frame it that way. Now, I’m realising there’s a beauty to it - being constantly in the depths of sadness. Now I’m not saying that I’m always sad, I’d be lying if I did. But I’ve been through a lot in my life to truely know what it feels like to be hurt, or feel worthless; like nothing would matter, no one would even know if you disappeared. Not a care in the world. 

To have these feelings, and being able to understand them, control them and even mask them at times, is exhausting. Especially when they’re there 80% of the time. I’m telling you this so you know that I have my faults too. Sometimes it’s easier to hide them, then to open up and know that nobody would really understand. 

But that’s how I feel about you. I feel as though I could tell you anything, talk to you about anything. Obviously we haven’t really had the opportunity to do that, but ever since I met you, and in our brief interactions, I found that easiness with you. Yeah you jump around, you’re a social butterfly, you grace strangers with your presence. You never let someone go unnoticed. It’s tiring, but admirable. I admire you Danny. I envy your confidence to seize every opportunity that comes your way. You tell me sometimes you wish you didn’t and maybe you should stop, but honestly, don’t. The world deserves to know you and that can’t happen if you’re in one place.

In saying that, I would do it with you. There are only a handful of people that you meet in your life that you would do anything for or with. And I want you to know if you didn’t want to be alone, I’d be glad to see the world with you - home is not a place, it’s the people you call. 

What I’m trying to say out of all this, is that night I spent with you. One night. 17 hours. The sadness I feel everyday, wasn’t there. I felt so comfortable around you. This urge to show you what I feel, and I guess this letter is helping me put it into words. I haven’t fallen for you like I’ve fallen for others. It’s not a constant need for your attention or desire for your affection. I do smile every time you message me, but in all honesty, the time we spent together made me appreciate the impact feelings can have on you. But also understanding the confinements of the way we both live so differently. 

I don’t expect you to change anything about your freedom, I don’t want you to ever turn down an opportunity. Knowing that you are in my life, even if I only get to see you once a year, that’s enough for me. You said for me not to deny my happiness, and I never will. Just know, no matter what, I will always have love for you - and every second I get to spend with you from now on, I know will mean something to the both of us. 

You are truely an amazing man. I’m so thankful that the world brought us together. I hope I get to see you again sometime soon. Feel your touch, your lips on my skin, run my fingers through your hair, trace every inch of your body. Your presence makes me feel whole, and I hope one day I can do the same for you. 

I’ll speak to you when I speak to you.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Love, Q

[qtproductions-blog1]

Jungle Love

So I finally get the chance to do a recap of my experience working with Jungle Love Festival. I’m bummed that I didn’t reflect throughout, but I can honestly say that I didn’t have anytime to think let alone write. 

Working on a festival, in the role of a coordinator, producer, creative producer, what ever you want to call it, entails that you must know every detail. You’ve been involved in the planning and processes that it allows for you to pick up anything throughout the event. A recurring phrase that helps sum this up is, you just ‘get shit done’. Whether you have to carry tables and chairs, hammer nails, paint signs, write up rosters, deliver water to volunteers, manage the entire team, delegate tasks to others, you have one goal and that is to make sure that the festival runs as smoothly as possible, and the team is taken care of. You’re there for a hug when needed, and to take on any job if the rightful one can no longer continue. You are there to run the team, not the festival. Although a large part is being aware of problems before they arise, you are always making sure that those problems are fixed by the right person. You understand your team, you see their strengths and weaknesses, you know when they need to rest, when they have to stop and take some time to themselves, when you leave them with responsibility and when you need to jump back in to make sure the right decisions are made. 

My time throughout the festival lasted just over a week. Three days of set up and three days of the festival running. With an average of 37 degree heat, 2,000 attendees, 100+ music artists and performers, a management team of 40, 200 volunteers, 15 stalls, 4 stages, 3 bars, and a whole lot of craziness; we came out the other end stronger than ever. 

My first day on site was Monday 26th November; I didn’t feel too comfortable using my radio, I spent most of the day writing emails and following up on things, making sure everything was accounted for before everyone arrived on site. The site builders had majority of it under control that I was able to focus on finer details. Tuesday came and others started to show up, this is when it became a little more intense and things started to role along. Stages were being bumped in, bars being built, signs being painted and spread around site. Wednesday everyone had arrived by this point, and this was the final day we were able to complete what we needed before the public started to arrive on Thursday. I woke up at 5am to set up bollards along the neighbours property; gates opened at 8am, yet we went into full festival mode by 6:30am. This is when it became real and everyone started to really shine. 

Throughout the festival, the areas were low on management. Meaning that each of the management team were over exerted, taking on way more than we anticipated, working extremely long days and with little time to see the festival and rest. This was the biggest fear of mine, and unfortunately it couldn’t have been mitigated. We needed more hands, and although everyone took on that responsibility, there wasn’t enough help to give them that relief. It took a big strain on me, as I care a lot about my team, more than the festival they are running. I see that they are tired, and exhausted, and although I tried my absolute best to assist and ensure that others could hand over their position, even for an hour break, it was extremely difficult and straining on my mental state. 

I can honestly say that it was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. I have never worked so hard and for so long. Pushing yourself to that limit really allows you to see what you are capable of, what you can do and how hard you can push yourself before breaking. But really, if you push yourself to that extent, you know your limits, and they are so fucking high, that you can resist the urge to ever break. You get to a point where you may need to take time out, for a little while, just to think and be alone, because if you stick around you take it out on your team. But as soon as you do, you want to go back, you need to know whats going on, you need to be there for them because you need them to know you are there for them in every way possible. Even if its just being around, asking if they need help, need anything, are okay. Having that kind of relationship with your team, really changes a lot. 

So maybe what I’m trying to say is, that no matter what festival, event, position you are in. If you care for the team around you, if you make sure they know you are there to support them, you can achieve literally anything. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

Day 2

So today was different. I obviously have reflected with Lubi and recorded it so I don’t particularly want to regurgitate material - but she did make me consider my nerves when coming into meetings.

Putting up a wall, and have particular defence mechanisms, I came into a meeting this morning with the festival architect, too strong and it wasn’t a good start. I have to consider, my 1) nerves, 2) what I want but not explicitly state or have that as the main focus, but rather a back of the mind this is what I want to come to and there is a particular way to work towards it, 3) working collaboratively with others, and making sure that there is a strong inclusion of everyone in the room because everyone has different expertise and understanding and all ideas and opinions count when something is being designed, organised, created, solved, initiated, finalised, translated..

I’m finding it extremely difficult to not use dualistic wording, I catch myself doing it a lot. But the thing is, I would have never thought about it, or noticed it if Lubi hadn’t recognised it and made sure that I addressed it and started to betterer myself because of it. She’s only pointing these things out, and making me work my ass off, think, write, speak and explain in a way that people can understand and respect and have insight, because she knows that it’ll make me the best person I can be, and build that confidence I lack. Because majority of the time, it isn’t the way I look or how I present myself, it’s the confidence I don’t have in who I am and what I’m doing. I'm nervous about always fucking up, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, doing too much, doing too little, overstepping, under stepping.

I think everything she has been giving me to consider, will definitely help with my anxiety and allow me to focus on the important sides of myself, and what I do. Being consciously aware of what I’m saying, how people are reacting to it, and empathising, not just allowing my own emotions to overwhelm me. I will keep you updated.

[qtproductions-blog1]

Day 1

So I arrived in Linz yesterday - waited for Lubi for a couple of hours and ended up heading to the apartment. We gathered some supplies and headed home. Sat down near the open bay doors and enjoyed the breeze coming in, sharing some beer we started chatting. She is honestly one of the most amazing, inspiring and interesting people I have ever met. I can relate to her on so many levels, and whenever she speaks I listen so intently. I also feel extremely comfortable around her, she makes me understand a lot, and I don’t have to explain myself. She listens to what I have to say, and never makes me feel as though I am saying the wrong thing, or am not smart, or am saying something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s something I am extremely bad at - trying to describe something that I understand, but can’t put into words well. She will always continue on with one of my thoughts and put it into the exact words I was trying to say. 

We spoke about what it’s like to be a woman in this position, and the difference between a curator and producer - the frame work and the population of that framework. 

Today we went to Post City, we saw everyone I met last year and met a few new people. She said I did a good job at introducing myself and my position - we reflected afterwards with another beer, and made me really zone into what I should consider. That being making sure that the people I’m working with are the most important people in the room, ultimately I am coming to work with them, however they are the ones with the position and I must be humble about my position. That’s what a creative producer does, they create and build relationships with everyone and anyone who is a part of the project, at any capacity. Which will entail that when things need to be done, they are done to a high extent. 

First day in and I am buggered. This is going to be a long month.  We planned out what I will be doing, and if I’m not at Post City, I’m working on my masters and taking this time to really work hard. Also show Lubi and Kristefan what I can do because they are considering me to be a part of Ars Australia which I can only dream of!! It would be absolutely amazing and set me up for a really long time if they do see that potential in me. I really hope that for some reason I don’t get ‘sidelined’ if that can even happen - something that I was mentioning to her today. I don’t like not having something to do. And she said to make sure that I stray away from using dualistic words like in or out, rather using something like partially active or really active - making sure that I am considering my position and that is neither in or out, but rather when necessary, to be active and not burn out when not needed. Taking a step back when everything is running smoothly and taking that time to really make sure that I am prioritising. Not wasting time, and ending up becoming overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated because that is what I always end up doing and it really effects my outcomes, mood, and personality. 

I think this is going to be an extremely strong learning process, and really change who I am as a person - not that the past 8 months haven’t already. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

So today in the office I had a good session with Sarah. The thing is with Sarah she wants permission rather than forgiveness. She doesn’t know where the line is drawn and I feel as though she needs to be reminded that you have a management role for a reason. Take control of it and own it. Stop trying to ask for everyones opinions and just write out what you want and what you think is appropriate. 

Anyway, we sat down and she bumped ideas off me, and I had a good creative input. I feel as though this is good, and what a creative producer does. When somebody has ideas and doesn’t know how to implement them or in what way, and it’s good to brain storm. All good things come from brainstorming! Starting with something and ending up with a good strong focus to work from. 

Tomorrow is probably my last day with the teams before we bump into the Powerhouse and I head to Austria. It’s really nerve racking and I know how much stuff will need to be done, I am prepared for a LONG and HARD day of whipping everyone together to make sure everything is perfect and everything is accounted for.

Wish me luck, I’ll fill you in. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

Well, where do I start...

I have had more breakdowns in the past couple of months then I have ever had in my whole life.. Well, probably not, but it gives it emphasis. 

Monday, 23rd July, 2018.

I feel lost. I can’t remember what I previously wrote, but in the past month or so, I have had to re-write and re-structure my masters proposal, and it’s making me go insane. I have never done something to challenging in my life. I’m the kind of person to learn something, and perfect it the second time I do it. I have done edits, numerous hours or research, read chapters in books that I have no idea what they are speaking about half the time. On top of that I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday full days at my retail job, where I don’t ever feel like doing anything when I come home for the night. I am also trying to managing another team, and two other festivals, and end up having to do everything myself anyway. 

Today in the management meeting for Ars, Greg, Lubi and Kristefan had come to the realisation that I have been project managing and not creative producing, so they said I should focus on AIWA more, and it was a stab in the chest. I have been trying my absolute hardest since March and they never once put up their hands to help, and now they are making it out to be like it is my fault. I had a little moment, and decided to just keep going. 

Sometimes I can take it, but sometimes I just can’t. And at the moment, I know the future and what it entails, to a degree. And I don’t know when I will have a day to myself, or be happy with the work that I do. 

It’s hard because, I’m writing my proposal about what I want to do and document and write about, all while I’m trying to do it. With no actual time to focus on it! So by the time that I actually submit this bloody proposal, I have already done half of what I am saying I want to do, and I’m trying to figure out how I will be able to frame it, because I have tried to document and keep track of as much as possible (this blog being one of those things). But I’m scared. scared that I wont have a good focus or enough documentation to relate back to. I know I will over in Austria - I plan on filming myself every morning (or afternoon) and compiling that into a video documentary - an interesting one, not a boring 1hr ‘this is what I did’... 

Something that I picked up on today that I could probably use as reference to being a creative producer was my conversation with Ruth, who is currently project managing Dilate. She was concerned about the glass white board and the mannequin for the project, and I suggested - in my own way, because I have learnt how to think ‘outside the box’ and not just at the materialistic object that you are stuck on. For the whiteboard, I suggested just having clear perspex or something similar and screwing it to two poles, something easily manufacturable and cheaper than the first option. The second idea I suggested was creating a mannequin but not making it represent a human body. Something like a tree that represents their focus on ‘growing’ their product. This was informational for her, but also insightful for me, because it relates back to the creativity that I have the ability to express, and come up with solutions in situations like that - something that I need to start doing more, and focusing on with the projects. They are so stuck on certain things and perfecting them in a particular way, they forget about the creativity that can come out of generating ideas around a group circle to solve a problem. 

Anyway, I’m off to bed. I have yet another jam packed week and it’s only Monday. Wish me luck - hopefully I get the chance to write again soon. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

So I had a meeting with Lincoln, Sara, Patrick and Nina tonight surrounding the concept of the Kunst Klub. A lot of ideas flowed and we played with scientific, magical and mystical bio lab, political, secret society, and eventually landed on casino themed. Coming up with game rooms and the layout of the Klub.

I guess as a creative producer having brainstorms like this really drives on the creative side of the role however the whole time you are thinking about logistics and what if this and what if that. Having that mind set it always good.

I don’t really have much else to write today, I’m going to put time aside every night (well I maybe only after the days that I am actually doing my role would make more sense).

I spent the day working through a lot of Jungle Love stuff and Vast Yonder emails today. I put together a roster template which I’m pretty satisfied with and will use it for future reference. I also added to the JL timeline which outlines everything.

Yesterday I put together all deliverables for the roles for Ars students. Including: documentation coordinator, presentation coordinator, project managers, video coordinator, technical coordinator, assistant producers. It’s helping me get my head around what roles entail what, and even so, what my role entails also because I always have a little input in everything. And I guess me being able to write out all of the deliverables for these roles means that I’ve done them at some point in my role as a creative producer.

I intend to do the same for JL and outline each role also.

I’ve had a weird week may I add. I went from being stressed out of my brains to content and understanding my workload and delegating my tome wisely to get what I need to complete done. I do have a lot more to do but I think I’ll be okay. I just need to manage my mind set and keep on track with how i respond to the stress. If I let it consume me, I don’t get anything done. And that is critical as a creative producer. We tend to take on too much and that’s when we become over exerted and fuck up.

Something I cannot afford to do right now, so I need to be strong and patient and understanding of my capabilities and where I put my energy and expectations.

[qtproductions-blog1]

I think I should probably write something even though I am extremely tired, and disconnected from reality right now. 

Friday 29th June, 2018

It’s early... 12AM to be exact. I don’t really know where to start. My mental state is hiatus - I think it’s a combination of stress, anxiety and depression. I am over exerting myself, and I can’t take care of my physical and mental health because I fear of disappointing everybody around me. I have so much to do, every day, and I don’t know how I am still coping, but I guess this is what it feels like to work two jobs, write a masters, fit in research around theories that I don’t even know what I’m trying to look for, managing a team of 20 students, a team of 15 positional members at Vast Yonder, writing timelines, timelines, timelines. I am trying to wrap my head around everything, and some days its easy, but other days I just need a break. I am okay with this leadership, but I just wish I could take some time for myself - but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. 

I have some videos, and notes in my diary from the past couple of weeks. I definitely need to keep documenting because I have horrible memory regardless of the fact that I need to do this for research purposes. 

It is extremely hard to delegate tasks to people when they have absolutely no idea how to complete it, or to the standard that is necessary. I find myself constantly having to do things, re-do things, re-write, and explain too far in depth for how simple a task can be. I guess that’s probably why I’m so good at what I do because I have that deeper understanding and responsibility to make shit happen, rather than have expectations on others to complete it. I know that’s probably not a good thing, because as a creative producer you should have leadership and give autonomy to others, but sometimes I feel as though there isn’t a single person that would put this kind of effort into their job like I do. 

Well.. there are a few, Lubi, Lincoln, Alethea, I’ve seen these people push for greatness and get the most out of something. I idolise them. 

I’m scared that I won’t be okay again. It’s been like this for a couple of months now, and I’m afraid that it will just push me over the edge. Maybe because I’m afraid I haven’t let it happen yet, because I know if it does, I loose everything, and everything is the reason I’m still alive. 

I never really know what to write, do I talk about my emotions, do I talk about my struggles, or do I talk about my successes? Maybe later on I’ll be proud, but for now, I’m just trying to get through it. 

[qtproductions-blog1]

Ah, yes, hello.

So it’s been a little while. I’m generally not very good at managing this kind of thing and writing every day but I should be as I tend to forget a lot and in the moment I tend to feel particular emotions that fade away within time. 

Tuesday, 12th June, 2018. 

A lot has happened. Sometimes I say this and never really cover everything, but I am so used to writing in a diary by the physical hand that it starts to hurt and takes a lot longer. Typing is much easier and I can continue to do it for quite a while so here it goes. 

Lets delve into a short explanation of my emotions and personal life before I focus on my professional side. 

About two weeks ago I found out that Shaun (my partner of 5 years) was speaking to other girls, and most likely, still hasn’t admitted to it, cheated on me. Now I am at fault, I haven’t been the greatest, loveable, and present girlfriend throughout this year. BUT I have never been in the position that I am professionally and career wise, and that is something that I don’t intend to give up. I am not the kind of person, and highly doubt I ever will be, a women who wants children, a house, a car, and a basic 9-5 job. I have so much more of a creative, spontaneous, thrilling, hard and long life ahead of me, and to settle with that would be a waste. I decided to end my relationship with Shaun, and there was a massive grey cloud fogging my vision for quite a while. I can hardly remember the past couple of weeks, what I did, what I said, how I acted, where I went, it’s a blur and I won't ever get that time back. So I chose to let it go. I spoke to him about being friends and keeping each other in our lives, and letting us both grow and live without each other. We are still in a lease together so that will last until the end of the year, but after that is when I will become solely independent. And I’m pretty scared. But also excited. I will definitely miss him, and I don’t know if one day it will all come back to me and I will realise how alone I may feel, but I guess I will wait for those days to come, and be prepared. This is the path I have chosen, and I’m pretty set on it. 

Fast forward to today, and I have the clearest mind (give or take my horrible diet, and excessive caffeine addiction that makes me constantly tired and sometimes spaced out) on where I want to be and where I am heading. I’ve had a few great meetings with my superiors both at Ars, and Vast Yonder, and I guess I need to just keep on top of my communication and always account for the fact that nobody knows what you are thinking, what you do and do not understand, and how you feel unless you tell them. Communication is ideally the biggest thing that comes from being professional, a creative producer, or working in large groups, and with management teams. It is primary to the progress and implementation of processes. 

Lincoln officially made me his Project Coordinator for Jungle Love today, which has been a very difficult thing to manage prior. I am obviously the Project Coordinator for Vast Yonder, however never knew my limitations surround Jungle Love, and have been across a majority of information, and managing the team still. But at a half assed attempt. I am actually thrilled. Lubi did mention to me that I shouldn’t be taking anything else on as of right now as they need me focusing on Ars, but I feel as though with everything that I have learned these past couple of months, I have grown, and been able to manage quite a lot of work. I know I am capable, I am so confident in myself right now that I believe it will be the best thing for me. Managing numerous festivals and also the projects for Ars. It’s going to be a major step for me professional wise. I won’t have time for procrastination, or being unsure of myself. I think it’s a good thing because it will push me to be more confident and hit deadlines. I have already started to comprise a list of templates and documentation that I need to create as universal papers that can be used for any project, event or festival. This will be extremely beneficial for me as I will be able to use them across all my projects and understand them to a degree. The organisation of Ars and Vast Yonder is my main goal right now and I intend on working on this tomorrow. If I can get all of these processes in place, I will be able to manage everything perfectly. With the contingency of issues and problems arising that will only ever be foreseeable after they have happened. 

I can’t help but also state that another essential factor for being a creative producer, especially a female, is you have to have that drive and motivation to succeed. If you do not have this you will be going in circles and expecting others to do the work for you. If you want something done, it needs to be communicated with confidence, and in a way that the person you are asking to get it done by has a feeling of importance and autonomy to complete it in their way if they believe it is a better way of doing it - on this, it’s always good to give enough information on a task, and pointers, however leaving enough room to play for the person to be able to complete it their way - you need to let you team know that every bit of information or every task, big or small, is detrimental to the progress, process and success of the project, event or festival you are working on. 

Well that’s me for the day, I am drained and would like to zone out for a while as I know how busy my next 8 weeks are going to be. 

I need to make sure I write at least two or three times a week as my interval-contingent reporting, rather than focusing on my event-contingent reporting, as I have been so far. 

Ttyl.

- Q

[qtproductions-blog1]

So I’ve decided to write again today. 

Wednesday, 30th of May, 2018.

It was a long day. 

One of the hardest that I’ve been through all year, and that is saying something. because I have been through so much this year it is ridiculous. I have not learnt so much in 5 months than I have in my whole entire life. Today I was definitely the reason if things failed. I would have been blamed if things didn’t go to plan. And unfortunately a lot didn’t go to plan and I have myself to blame, whether or not anybody else would say that or think that, I do. I didn’t account for so many things, the running smoothly of presentations for the Show & Tell at the block, the lighting wasn’t perfect, the space set up wasn’t as appealing as it should have been and I felt as though I could have been more ‘bossy’, ‘confident’, and just generally ‘assertive’ as Greg said to me. 

He mentioned that I need to be more assertive and less jokingly when speaking to the group. Because ultimately, if I don’t take this seriously, no body will. It caught me off guard and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety kicked in. I hadn’t felt it in so long and it was horrible. BUT I just understood what he meant, and it is true. I need to step out of Q and step into my role. Be more of a creative producer, not likeable but somebody who knows what needs to happen and make it happen without apologising and taking people for granted and expecting more than you should. Nobody, absolutely nobody ever knows what to do unless they are told. I guess that one of the hardest things, because I am so used to being told what to do, without even knowing any back story or having any queues, and just working it out myself. I’m used to that. Nobody else is because that’s not their role. As a creative producer you can’t expect people to do something without giving them a step by fucking step instructional course on how to do it and how you want it to be done. It just doesn’t work like that. And I need to start to be more sharp on these aspects. Telling people what I need and how I need it, they are there to present, but you are there to coordinate and producer and organise and manage everything else that happens in the space, the only time they are there is when they are speaking or performing, and you are the one that makes them look good and make sure that they have everything they need. That is your role. And if you don’t account for everything, then you fuck up and things become trashy, and messy. 

I didn’t account for the lighting of the catering, because I didn’t know how much there was, I didn’t organise it, but I should have asked and definitely foreseen that there needed to be more tables for people to use. I didn’t account for the clicker to not work, I didn’t account for the students to not know who to give the microphone too and that I should have been that 1min in between person introducing the next group, I didn’t remember to time the teams, and I didn’t remember to filter the guests into the space so that they were aware of what they were walking into... Like they went over to groups and started talking, they didn’t face the projector screen, the students didn’t explain well, there was no call out for the feedback forms.

The whole production side definitely taught me a lot because I had to handle most of it by myself, with the assistance of Greg. Or maybe he was the main person facilitating it and I felt as though I was doing all the work. Who knows. I personally feel as though I took on quite a lot. And it was good that Kristefan and Lubi weren’t there because I was super happy to do it all by myself, and make sure that I was assessing the whole situation and what needed to be done. But I just feel as though I didn’t do a good job, no matter how many people told me I was.

I need to stop being so hard on myself, but sometimes it’s just so difficult because I don’t think I will ever be pleased with what I do and how I do it, I am constantly striving for improvement and bettering who I am and my role, but I am so sick of failing (in my eyes), it is such a hard thing on me and who I am. I have always felt I was a failure, and it hurts just as much to feel it in my role. 

I am two different people when it comes to this and I definitely think when I write my exegesis I need to zone in on that because I need to explain the difference between the person you are when you are being you everyday, and the person you become when you have to be a creative producer. The hard extensive amount of time and effort you have to put into your role, and receive absolutely nothing back is very, very hard. Yeah a ‘you're doing good’ is great sometimes, but when everyone only ever sees the performers or speakers or artists, and never sees the person who produced it, it’s hard. I guess that’s also the beauty in it, being able to give that light to somebody else, which is what I do every single day, and knowing that they deserve it, is the best feeling in the world. 

I’m being super contraidictory right now, but I guess it’s because I’m super drunk, all I’ve eaten today is a piece of banana bread and a sausage with some salad, and all I can think about is what happened last night (I hope you can remember without me having to write it out because it is so not relatable to this whatsoever). 

Anyway. I’m going to go pass out. 

- Q

[qtproductions-blog1]

So I haven’t been able to write for a while because I’ve been pretty busy with submitting my masters proposal, work and personal life issues.

Tuesday, 29th May, 2018.

I’m feeling kind of motivated to do the best that I can do, but I can’t help but feel as though it’s never enough. I should always be a step ahead, but for some reason I think about it and never fall through with it and then it becomes something that happens and I should’ve been prepared for it. Guilt overwhelms me and I fall into my cave. Me right now. In my cave. I just want to be rolled up in bed alone, incense burning, soft music, just there alone. But I can’t because I have a commitment to my teams, and I can’t let them down, even if I am going through one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.

Shaun and I are on a break, and after 5 years of being together it is extremely difficult to think of what your life would be like without them. I guess I haven’t really come to the realisation just yet, but I really hope that I can just keep focusing on my jobs and myself.

There has been quite a lot of conflict happening with the management team for Ars over the past week, and I have been affected by it - as a student I haven’t been able to get myself involved and I shouldn't be involved, but they seem to always make snide remarks around me that it’s hard to not let it effect me.

I’m sick of being a woman creative producer. The thing is that men seem to feel as though they can do everything better than you, they can explain everything better than you, the know more than you and they always tend to override everything you say. Lubi is probably the biggest support system I have for this, she is so confident in what she says, she doesn’t let anyone take control of the conversation or let anyone intervene when she's talking because she knows what she's talking about and everyone listens. I need to start taking that control and being more confident because this is my role, this is who I am, and I know everything I just need to be able to explain it and let it out in a way that the people I’m talking to understand. It’s all in my head, and it needs to come out. I guess that’s one of my biggest struggles, not only in this position but just who I am, not being able to speak my mind and explain what I’m trying to say in any aspect. I find that it’s so much easier to understand then to explain.

We just had a workshop with Horst, and I spent the past 11 hours at uni, back and fourth to the office as well. Been a long as hell day. But I’ve learnt a lot - in regards to tech, and sound, and I definitely need to be more inquisite when it comes to these things because I need to learn more, and be able to understand certain ways of working and connecting things together, it’s my role as a producer - the creative side intertwines with that and that’s where I start to become my role. But I think at the moment I need to split it and start focusing on the production side of things and really researching detrimental areas such as sound engineering, technical specifics, design and curatorial aspects of a space, lighting, audio etc. That’s when I will be able to fully immerse myself into the role of a creative producer because I will be able to bring all of that knowledge that I have learned, and put it into my own way of working and ultimately explain what my role is..

It’s been a long day, but I thought I’d just write out a little bit. I didn’t get the chance to document because I didn’t bring my camera, but I intend to tomorrow.

- Q

[qtproductions-blog1]

Fuck.

The only word that is currently going through my head. Don’t ask me why, it just is. And for some reason I can’t help but feel it getting louder and louder. There are even times where I blurt it out loud, or it creeps up and scares me. 

I haven’t been able to write for the past couple of days because I decided it was a better idea to get black out drunk then to take responsibility of the tremendous amount of work I have to do. Here’s how today started....

Monday, 21st of May, 2018:

I woke up at 9:30AM. I didn’t wake up to my alarm, I had a meeting at 10AM. Obviously I decided to skip it and not tell anybody about it. Not like I didn’t already feel like absolute crap, I decided to make it 10x worse. 

I haven’t been making the best decisions lately, and it has started to really pile up. I feel guilty and angry, I feel stupid and unhelpful. I haven’t been responsive in my VY email inbox, I haven’t been 100% on top of the projects for Ars, I still have so much to do for my masters project proposal, and to top it all off, I am mentally battling with a distortion of emotions that I can’t seem to control. 

But today is a new day and that’s what I am going to tell myself until I can convince my mind that I am doing good, and I am on top of everything. 

To be continued....

[qtproductions-blog1]

So I didn’t make the time to write yesterday, I was pretty brain fried from all the research I managed to get done. So it’s the morning of today, and I guess I should just take something down before I get back into it. 

Friday, 18th May, 2018.

I woke up early, relatively, around 8AM, which was great because I managed to grab a coffee from my local shop (Miss Jones). Come home and enjoy a couple of hours of catching up on my feeds, emails, and general plan for the day. I did a little bit of a hours clean and then sat down on my couch and opened up my masters. 

Firstly, I really needed to address some things that are currently up in the air with my research - “there is little to no study or research surround the role of a female creative producer/the role of a creative producer from a female perspective” - initially I proposed this because I haven’t yet been able to find any material in the matter. So I decided to dig a little deeper. I found some good papers surround female producers early 20th century, and others on creative production. I’m still finding it quite difficult to find some core materials to utilise, so that’s my next step, I can’t make this claim without doing extensive research. BUT to be frank, I have only spent about 4 days in total over the past three months researching the material I wish to use as reproduces, and I think I’ve done a relatively good job so far. 

The writing of my exegesis doesn’t scare me. The persuading others to understand that I will be able to get a solid stand point and argument happening, that’s what I’m having trouble expressing in this proposal. I’m afraid that if I don’t include enough, or explain certain areas, it’ll seem as though I don’t know what I’m talking about. And I do. I just haven’t been able to find the right resources to back up much of my argument at this current time. Because again, I haven’t been doing this for very long at all. 

I have also been having trouble juggling each of my requirements. I have a lot I still need to complete and such little time to do it in. I have been neglecting my role as a creative producer to ensure that I get a solid piece of material to hand in, so it has been difficult for me and it has started to affect my mentality quite a lot. The first half of this week I was in this cloud - not a nice light, fluffy, white cloud, it felt as though my whole body and mind were trapped inside a dense, grey, almost black, cloud that would just keep declining from the sky. It’s as though I woke up yesterday and the cloud had hit the earth in my sleep last night and I was able to finally be free of it. My mind was clear, and I was able to focus on the things that I needed to get done. 

Anyway, I ended up heading to the library around 6PM to grab some books I put on hold, and meet Dad at Uni to bring him home and make dinner for him. I stopped in the city on my way and say this beautiful bouquet of flowers, I decided to buy them for my Mum as I didn’t get to see her for Mother’s Day the other day and felt terrible. I woke up this morning to a text saying how much she loved them - small gestures that can easily brighten somebodies mood are my utmost favourite thing and they really benefit my soul, I always strive to make sure that everyone in my live knows how much I love them and can do it in a way that makes them appreciate it too. 

I should get on to re-editing my masters again, I have until about 4PM to get some more solid stuff down, I think I have a good idea of what direction I’m going. I’ll give you and up date later tonight. 

Q

[qtproductions-blog1]

Hey.

So I guess I thought it would be a good idea to start writing online, seeing as I write so much in a journal, I think I’m starting to go crazy only speaking to myself. 

I shall start with why I’m doing this, and who I am. My name is Quinty and I am an Australian, female, aged 23, short, blonde, happy-go-lucky, Libran, that cares too much for other people than herself, creative producer, studying a Masters in Philosophy surround Creative Practice and the role of a creative producer from a female perspective in a transdisciplinary context. If that makes sense...

I am attempting to make it my goal to document each day, what I do, how I feel, what went right, what went wrong, where I currently am, and what I’m currently doing. So here’s my day:

Wednesday, 16th May, 2018.

I woke up at 10:40AM, or around that time, later than I wanted. I have extreme difficulties waking up at my desired alarm time of 6AM every day, and I guilt trip myself because of it. And for that reason, I missed a meeting with my supervisor, which would have been critical for the progress of my stage two document and writing over the next week to have it finalised and submitted. Another fault in the wrong direction that spun me into a whirlpool of guilt and unnecessary annoyance towards myself. 

So I met with Carly (one of the team members from Vast Yonder, which is a company I work for as the Project Coordinator, managing a team of 20 and currently 4 events and festivals that run throughout the year - Brisbane Street Art Festival, Australian Virtual Reality Film Festival, Jungle Love Music and Arts Festival, and The QUBE Effect), to give her the keys to the office because she needed to meet artists for art pick ups, and then made my way to QUT (Queensland University of Technology). I sat down in a cafe and spent a couple of ours going over the feedback from my draft proposal, and have not been able to full submerge myself in the copious amounts of research that I am not looking forward to for the next two days - something I should be doing right now but instead I am writing this. I guess it’s not procrastinating or wasting time, this is going to frame my methodology for reflective practice, as I will be writing each day and when I get back to my exegesis, I will be able to read through and pick out the greatest parts of my documentation. 

After that we had the Ars Electronica Futurelab Academy workshop, this runs each week on a Wednesday from 5-8PM, and is the platform I am able to practice being a creative producer. There are currently 5 projects in fruition, still at prototyping phase, but are starting to come together really well. I am nervous that the teams won't be able to present their works to Horst (The Director of the Ars Electronica Futurlab in Linz, Austria) to the standard that the others are expecting. However, I intend to work closely with them throughout next week to really zone in and make sure that the aesthetic of the projects is expressed even if it only involves a change of lighting or sound and the room it’ll be presented in. 

Anyway, I am now sitting on my couch, listening to the faint cars crossing the story bridge (I just realised I don’t have any music on which is bizarre), and I am quite hungry as I haven’t eaten all day, but I may just end up going to bed and hoping that I wake to my alarm tomorrow so I can make a start to the research I have ahead. 

Wish me luck, I’ll write again tomorrow. 

Q