quaintthoughtss

[quaintthoughtss]

tell you something that’s funny. I haven’t used tumblr in such a long time. Just generally as a blogging site, so it would be clear that I haven’t used it as a diary in a very long time. But I dunno. I’m just not feeling my best at the moment. it’s funny that this little site was such a safe space for me as a teenager, and that I would vent all of my problems into the void. But I haven't wanted to for a long time. Because my problems feel that much more real. I can’t complain about them anymore. I’m an adult and I have to just get on with things, that’s what life is. But it doesn’t stop things from being hard.

Everyone has their issues and stuff going on, and I don’t want to be that person to complain and vent and just show that I’m having a bad time too. Because I know other people have it a lot worse.

I just have no idea what I’m doing with my life. What I want from life. Where I’m at. Where I’m going to be. I just feel like I’m constantly struggling with everything. I thought taking away the stress of Sainsbury's would make me feel better but now I just worry about money. 

For the past 6 months I just react to everything that much more intensely. I cry over everything. I’ve never cried so much as I have these past 6 months. I can’t hide how I feel either. I don’t know what’s happening. I have bad dreams all of the time, really vivid random bad dreams.

I’m just finding it hard to find the positives in anything at the moment, everything feels that much harder and I just try to switch off just to avoid the stress. But that isn’t going to help anything in the long run. 

this isn't helping.

[quaintthoughtss]

I just feel so mentally exhausted and confused and just kind of empty right now. I don't know how to think or what to do. I want to tell him how much he's been upsetting me and he needs to know but it's just going to make him worse and it's going to make him feel worse and he will feel guilty I'm just not sure what I'm meant to do The person I want to see the most and want to talk to the most I feel like I can't tell him everything. I feel like I have to be careful. I can't ask him to do things. I feel so rejected. I'm not sure what to do

[quaintthoughtss]

I just feel really sad. Like, I feel sick, empty. I don’t feel sick really. I don’t feel much. wtf

[quaintthoughtss]

holy shit. this is the first time I've written in a long time. I was actually considering deleting this part of my blog a few weeks ago, but decided against it.

idk man. today has just been a really shit day. this week has actually been pretty shit. I know im emotional for real reasons, but I had my last pill yesterday so I know everything must be amplified by hormones... so I’m trying to take that into consideration, but it’s just really hard for me to control my emotions at the moment.

Max got put down today.. well, I guess yesterday considering the time I am writing this. I keep having moments where I am a mess when I think about him. Currently I am calm. I know it was the right thing to do. Even last week when I saw him, I knew he wasn’t the same. I missed who he used to be and it made me sad seeing him as a shell of the dog I used to know. 

I’m upset with Sam again. It’s making me feel shit that he’s made me feel sad quite a few times now. Which makes me feel guilty, because I know he has shit to deal with, but so do I. He gets so absorbed in his shit, I feel like he tries to block everything else out, and it makes me feel like I can't tell him completely how I am feeling. I tried to today, but didn’t tell him about Max until later on, just because I can't stand the thought of crying in front of him. Then when I told him, all I wanted was to see him and just be held. Just to be distracted from everything. But he didn’t come over. I didn’t ask. But I am upset that he didn’t think of coming. Then I felt ridiculous for expecting him to appear. But then I know I would do that for him, if he was in my position. 

It got to around 9, and I decided I really did not want to be on my own. So I asked him if I could come over. But he said no, he was too stressed. Which just killed me. I really needed someone, I needed him. I cried a lot then, had a shower to try and clear my head a bit. He text me around an hour later, saying I should come over, but at this point I was too upset with him, I didn’t care if he felt guilty anymore, feel fucking guilty, I am upset and it feels like nothing to you. I said I didn’t want to leave the house now, but I still wanted him to come, I still didn’t want to be alone. But of course he didn’t offer, he didn’t think about it. I wasn’t expecting him to, even if I wanted him.

i don’t like that when I feel shit, I feel guilty about talking to him about it. I know he doesn’t like that I feel like that, but honestly, I can’t not. I don’t like looking for attention. It makes me feel kind of sick and I feel needy and disgusting, i don’t want to try and outdo people. But sometimes, I just want him to be there. I really want a hug... just some support to make me feel better for a second, to make me forget that I feel like shit, because I’m glad he is there.

But I am home alone. 

I just feel really done with everything at the moment. There isn’t really much that is making me feel happy. Sam was the thing that was making me feel happy. I’m not saying he doesn't anymore. But it feels like he doesn’t notice that I am sad, and it makes me feel like my emotions are insignificant. I don’t know. He isn’t soppy to me anymore... and I feel like when he says he is excited to see me, he’s just saying that because he feels like he should be excited, because he used to be excited.

Even if this is just because he is stressed, wtf am I meant to do? Just let him make me feel like shit whenever he feels stressed? Am I bitch for thinking like that? Am I being selfish? Or is he being selfish?

This is why I avoided catching feelings in the past, because I knew I would hate having this reliance on another person. When he's in a mood, or not responsive to me, it literally makes my mood go down, I end up feeling like shit all day if he sends shit texts. But then if we meet up anyway it might not even be fun.

Sunday, idek what happened. For the first few hours I just felt weird. He was clearly trying to have sex at one point and I just didnt want to, I didnt even really want to talk. I just sort of lay on him, I didn’t want to say the words ‘I don’t want to’ but at the same time, I am so grateful he just picked up on my vibes and we just chilled. 

I think this is the first time I’ve needed to write something since seeing Sam. I’ve not needed to write anything before, because he was always there. Fuck this. I’m not sure how I am going to sleep tonight. I need to get uni shit done tomorrow. 

Just want things to feel better. I wish I wasn’t on my own.

[quaintthoughtss]

I'm literally in the shittiest mood I think I've been in for such a long time. I didn't really know where else to rant because I just sound like a whiney bitch. Money is so fucking hard, I am stressing out because my loan doesn't even cover my rent, and even with my overdraft it doesn't cover it. i need this job at sainsburys otherwise I am completely fucked. but i just don't think I will get it, my luck is literally so shit. I am also fucking done with guys. I am so pissed off. I made the effort of going out with Liam, and we made out for ages and had a cute evening, but he won't even reply to me now? I just don't fucking get it? I mean I understand if you didn't like someone that you wouldn't want to talk to them again, but he literally wanted me to stay longer and you wouldn't make all these moves on someone you didn't fancy right? Literally just makes me feel really used and disgusting that he thinking 'eh I'm here now, I may as well try and get sex out of this'. I didn't have the spark feeling or whatever and think 'whoa he could be my boyfriend' Because I never think like that... it's more that I'm upset that I let things go as far as they did that night and he won't even text me?! What a douche thing to do. I can't even imagine how girls feel after sleeping with guys and them not even text them ever again. it's fucking vile. We even spoke to each other about presenting yourself to have different intentions is fucking awful. I looked on tinder and he has updated a photo on his profile so he's just ignoring me which is faaaaaabulous.. yet another person I need to avoid. I've deleted tinder now, I literally can't be fucked anymore. it's more drama than it's worth. I'm just so stressed and tired and done rn, I really want to cry but I can't properly cry for some reason. I want someone to comfort me but even if I call mum and rant she won't know what to say... I'm just so done

[quaintthoughtss]

I feel weird all of a sudden... like I feel sort of lonely? I don't really get it though. I feel like I’ve lost so many friends... and I don’t know that many people anymore? But surely they weren't real friends anyway otherwise I would be upset about loosing the person, not the fact I don't have many friends. I feel like the people I’ve stopped being friends with, was just people it was effort to stay friends with them anyway, it felt like I was working to fit in or maybe changing myself to fit in, which I never want to and never should have to do... so I think its for the best. 

I feel gross today. My skin is so bad... and being home where my sister looks the way she does just makes me feel even worse, not that its her fault! Its my issue entirely, I need to just stop caring but its difficult.

I’m really looking forward to moving into my house on Saturday though! I feel like I’ve been waiting forever, but at the same time its come around weirdly quickly! I’m worried about friends at uni though. Brooke and Sophie are my favourite people and I will love having them there all the time! But I feel like I should push myself to meet some new people... because I feel like I segregate myself from other people quite a lot! Maybe getting a job will help with that... I also need to start getting more confident.

On the topic of guys... I’m very done lol. I feel like James is too weird to talk to now, and Claire has put this idea in my mind that he is super weird and I shouldn't go there... so I'm starting to think she is right. She said I always see the good in people, and overlook the bad. Is that a bad quality to have though? I’m not sure. I feel sort of sad though... because I really enjoyed talking to James before we met up, and I felt kind of excited about where it would go, not that I was expecting a relationship, just the idea of talking to someone and seeing someone was what I was excited for. Meeting him was good, he was lovely and I was comfortable. But after that, the texting just wasn't the same, I think it was him that got a bit weird. But now he's messaging me lots more because he's back on ship so he's bored... so I feel like I'm just to pass the time which is shitty... but at the same time he was kind of like that for me through the summer... hmm. But anyway... it feels like I want to message him still but I can't work out if its because I want HIM to message me, or if I want anyone to message me. So I'm just going to leave it now I think... message him if he messages me, if not then leave it. Lost some CDs though which is annoying.

Can’t work out why I feel so strange though?

[quaintthoughtss]

just been looking through my old tweets and it's shocked me how fast the past year has gone... it makes me feel so happy with myself that I fucking went to uni. it's crazy really... it's such a big thing, especially for me to take such a big step. Looking at the tweets I sent to Sophie I'm so happy we met as well, couldn't have gotten through it without Brooke and Sophie! ugh I'm just feeling good about myself and everything right now. I'm thinking of starting a society at uni, an alternative music society because there's nothing like that at Sussex, and I think it would be a good way to meet people to go to gigs with! It probably won't happen but it's an idea.

[quaintthoughtss]

whoa... I've been fine these last couple of weeks? Should probably give an update, well, I'm not talking to Andy anymore! just find of stopped because he was shit at texting! But I've seriously been fine these last couple of weeks! I've been occupying myself with lots of things to do.. been having fun! Sophie came down Thursday and I went with her and Liam to see basement (who were incredible and I haven't been to a gig that crazy before!) Brooke came down Friday and we went Pokemon hunting, than in the evening we all went to district with Claire - Claire is not dealing with the break up very well at all... had her crying on me all night. I feel for her, but there's nothing I can do, he's fucked her over really bad. When Claire was drunk she was telling me how she was really upset about what Alex did to me and she doesn't understand how I dealt with it so well. I was trying to explain to her that I think I distanced myself from him from the start, never knowing if he would stick around, so not getting my hopes up. But really I'm not sure why I handled it so well, because it did hurt me, and I felt upset, but I never cried about it... I just accepted it and thought 'fuck him.' I woke up today though with the weirdest feeling, then I looked on Facebook and it's Alex's birthday today... It's sad because I remember thinking whether I would have to buy him a present or not, and I couldn't think of anything, and then decided if I did, then I would buy him a Deadpool DvD. ha. I'm not sure why I even thought about it really. but now I just feel sad? it's weird because I don't want him back or anything, it's not him that I miss, I'm done with him. It's the talking to someone that I miss... it's the feeling that someone actually wants to talk to you all the time and waits for your text message, and you're the first thing they think of when they wake up, enough to text you and ask how you are... I miss that. But tinder isn't good for me at the moment, I'm probably being too fussy because I'm only swiping right once out of like 40 guys... but I don't trust any of them. they look like fuck boys and I have nothing in common with them. I don't really know what I'm doing tbh. I'm due on so maybe how I'm feel right now is a mix of that and a mix of seeing Alex's name on my Facebook? who knows. I've felt weird these past few days as well... all my friends going on about how my sister is 'so pretty' and her telling me about all these guys etc. and whoa my self esteem is shit anyway, I'm so jealous Georgia can grow up like that? in a completely different way to me. she's growing up how things should be for girls, but I never had that. When you grow up ugly, things are never the same, you just learn to deal with it though I guess. just means I'm really not confident with myself anymore. I just feel kind of low this morning... I hope better things start happening and I can feel better as soon as possible. Thanks

[quaintthoughtss]

I just wanted to reblog this because I think this is something I do too often

Sometimes I drink too much vodka or eat 3 servings of macaroni and cheese in one sitting, but by far the most unhealthy habit I have is comparing myself to others.

[quaintthoughtss]

I went on a date yesterday evening with this guy called Andy! I actually had a really nice time… I was so surprised. I thought it was going to be awkward but it so wasn’t! I know I shouldn’t compare the date to Alex’s first date, but I don’t have anything else to compare to! I think it was a better date than with Alex. There wasn’t any nervousness, and there wasn’t any awkward silences… I weirdly didn’t feel nervous around him once I had met him I am now realising… he seemed genuinely lovely and friendly. I really want to meet up with him again to just hang out so we can talk more, maybe play some video games… but I don’t want to be the one to ask because 1. awkward and 2. he can’t come to the house.

I’m so glad he was lovely though… I feel like it’s going to get easier to forget Alex now. I’ve been getting so angry at myself because he still just randomly pops into my head and I think about him, and I don’t understand why because I never loved him, and I was never even sure what I wanted when I was seeing him. I think it’s because he was my first, and I have had nothing else but him.

It was cool talking to Andy though, I feel like we are more similar personality wise! he seems a little geeky but not too much! he kind of reminded me of Sam Olive which is weird! He was really cute too, laughed a lot and seemed really confident which is awesome, because in really not! I think the age difference wasn’t even a big deal at all! Hilarious that I didn’t even get ID’d in turtle bay?! I don’t think he looks 23 though so I’m not sure, maybe the waitress is just bad at her job? I wouldn’t ID tbf.

I’m actually quite happy right now… I feel confident which is so unlike me! It’s not even Andy that’s made me feel like this though, it’s the plunge I took going on a date! I did something that terrified me and it turned out well… I just feel so happy with myself that I actually did it! I need to take risks more often, get out of my comfort zone and stop being such a wimp… one thing at a time I guess.

[quaintthoughtss]

thought it would be best to post an update on how I'm feeling. Last night I went out with Claire and it was a bit of a shit night really... a little bit awkward and the music was shit. it got to 2 and I started having that same lonely feeling that I had on Tuesday... which was just shit. But now I'm mad at myself for ever feeling sad, because I checked my matches on tinder and looked on Alex's profile and he's changed it to 'looking for fun' and has the picture with me on there, so he's over that already! It makes me angry because he didn't portray himself as being 'up for fun' and nothing else, he led me on so so much which wasn't fair. But it makes me even more angry because I wasn't angry before, I was just sad, I truly believed that he cared about me and just didn't want to hurt me because of his feelings for his ex, but now I know it was just an easy option for him to say that... me living in halls was an easy option for him because he could come down, have sex and fucking leave. I just feel so stupid that I trusted him not to be a fuck boy but he was... it makes me feel so wary that other guys are going to be like this! I thought I could tell the signs but I can't. it's making me worried about using tinder still... I'm not sure if I should meet up with Andy or not... I don't want to be fucked over again and I don't want to waste my time.

[quaintthoughtss]

I've been feeling really strange lately. I can't work out what's happened tbh. It's to do with Alex, I mean it must be. But I didn't think I was that upset with him? But I must be. I think about him a lot and it makes me angry because he won't be thinking about me, and I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I think what upsets me more is that I'm not angry, I just understand and just accepted what he told me. But I should be angry, I should feel used, I should feel unwanted etc etc. but I don't. I still have this image of him in my head as being how he was and being patient and understanding and lovely. I just want to be angry at him, part of me wishes he cheated or told me that he was using me just so I can move on. Why can't I move on though? I need to because I can never ever go back there. I think what upsets me is I'm back to square one, I don't want to talk to these people on tinder, i need to delete it and give it a while. I need to focus on getting my shit together. I'm just upset I wasted that chunk of time... that was my uni life, and he took that away from me for nothing. I may have failed exams, and he did that to me. I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret sleeping with him, I don't regret spending so much time with him. But I am upset that we just stopped talking... that someone I would text throughout the day and tell whatever is going on to... for months... has just gone out of my life and I don't have that there anymore. I can't talk about it properly to people though because I don't want to come across as over sensitive or whiny or something? I mean we weren't in a relationship so why should I be sad? as Alex (Hurst) said, 'there's nothing to get over.' then why does it feel like there is? I felt so disgusting after kissing that guy in oceana yesterday. Imogen was pushing him on me though and I always succumb to peer pressure when it comes to guys... and I knew that she wasn't going to let up until I got with someone. But he was so slimy and was touching all over my body and I just felt ill. The reason I'm back on tinder is because I want a replacement for Alex... which is awful. But at least I'm admitting that now. I want to try and be close with someone again... I want to be able to joke and hold hands and have inside jokes... I want to take it slow and see what happens. I want to feel nervous when I first see them but more comfortable after I see them time and time again. But I don't like tinder anymore, I don't like that I have to be so wary of the fuck boys. I don't want to waste my time again. I don't want to be ditched the second a better option comes along. I don't want to be judged and compared to someone else... I just want someone to want me, just me... I want them to like that I'm a little weird.. I want them to not care about my insecurities and not care that I'm awkward, and make me feel comfortable... Fuck. it's just hard because I don't know if I can trust what a guy is saying. I'm going to delete tinder... I feel because Liam is an absolute sweetheart but I don't have anything in common with him, so I don't see myself talking to him in person... That Mike, I hope I can just slowly par him off, which is awful. I like Andy, but I'm scared he's too similar to Alex and that's why I like him. I should stop talking to him too. I'm just going to stop.