quarantinewithbean

[quarantinewithbean]

Bean is Here!

I still can't believe you are here! It's been 3 weeks and 1 day since you have made your way into the world and time is going by so fast. I thought it seemed to be accelerating during my pregnancy and it has yet to slow down.

I'm jotting down some thoughts today in hopes that I can read them and remember all of the amazing details of you as a tiny newborn. Everyone tells me that this stage of life goes by in a blink and that you will change so fast, and honestly I've found both things to be true just over the course of the past few weeks.

It is crazy to feel like I know you so well already even though you're only 3 weeks old! But your personality was pretty clear even when you were in the womb, and I've noticed so many consistencies with who you are on the outside. You are wide-eyed and very awake between 9-11 pm, except now instead of feeling intense kicks from the inside during that time I see you kick your little legs and use those amazing vocal chords that God gave you. Music and rocking in the rocking chair still calms you right down, just like it did when you were inside me. I love that you came into the world to the song "The Cure" by Lady Gaga, who was also one of your favorites in utero. I cannot read the lyrics to that song without becoming full of tears of happiness as it has such a different meaning now when I think of you.

"If I can't find the cure, I'll fix you with my love. No matter what you know I'll, I'll fix you with my love. And if you say you're ok, I'm gonna heal you anyway. Promise I'll always be there, promise I'll be the cure."

I often sing this to you now when I am rocking you to sleep. It will forever remind me of the moment you were born. Thanks to your dad for DJ'ing during my labor and playing all of my favorite jams to get me through the "push" phase (e.g., Rihanna, Whitney, and Gaga).

You, by the way, are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT LOOKING! I mean, I know I'm biased because you are mine, but seriously....I just stare at you in disbelief! You have your daddy's eyes and lips, my nose and ears and cheeks...you have perfect skin and a nice round head. And that chin dimple!! It makes me weak in my knees! That is such an amazing feature as it is something that only a few people in my family have, but definitely goes back several generations. Your Uncle Cory has it, too, and I know he thinks it is so special that you both share that. You also have a super cute dimple on your left cheek that presents itself when you smile - which, you started socially smiling at 2 weeks! The photographer who took our family front porch photos couldn't believe that you were already doing that. You have your daddy's hands and legs (we call your legs your "string beans" 🤣). You have very wide feet that look like little paddles, and everyone says those are "Campbell Feet"! And you also have these little tufts of furry hair on the top of your ears.

You don't cry too much unless you are hungry, have a dirty diaper, or are gassy - but when you do cry you make your needs VERY known. You go "0-60" very quickly when you're hungry, just like your dad ;) But once you are nursing you are perfectly content again. Sleeping at night is going well - you have been consistently sleeping in 3-4 hour stretches at night after your fussier time from 9-11 where you like to cluster feed every 30-45 min. But I'm ok with that! I have prayed for you for so long that I feel like I'd be fine with any amount of pain or exhaustion to satisfy your needs - I guess that's when you know you're a parent!

Though I have had what I consider to be some major accomplishments in my life thus far, and yet at the age of 36 I feel like my entire purpose on this Earth - why I am here - is to have brought you into the world. You are the most amazing thing I have ever done (of course, not alone - with the help of your dad, who is an equally incredible support and father). I can't wait to watch you grow and see what awesome things you do in life.

Welcome home, Conor Max ❤️

[quarantinewithbean]

Dirty vs. Clean

I think these terms are constantly consuming our minds at this point. At least, they are mine! I have always been a clean person, but this pandemic has brought my thoughts of contamination to a new level. When I get home from work, I take my shoes off outside of our house in our garage. I then walk into our entryway and set my bags on the ground, set my phone and keys on a table, take my coat off and hang up. I walk to the kitchen and get some disinfectant wipes and wipe down my phone, keys, bags, hang the bags, and wipe where everything was sitting. Wipe the door handles and light switches and anything else I may have touched. Then I throw the wipe away and wash my hands. Then I change my clothes. I also wipe down all hard surfaces, cupboard handles, railings, etc. in our house on a regular basis.

Any packages or mail are left out for a day to try and kill “dirty” virus germs that may be on them. And if we handle mail or a package, we are sure to wash our hands (for at least 20 seconds) when we are done. 

Going to get groceries does not happen in person anymore as we get all groceries delivered. We put our order in ahead of time as we know it will take a few days, then we disinfect everything in our order and let it dry on the counter. Then we put it away, disinfect the counters, and wash our hands. God bless the Instacart delivery people who are in charge of shopping and bringing our groceries to us...we are sure to tip them well each time.

At work, I take even more steps to disinfect things. It’s almost distracting. Even though I am the only one who uses my office, I still wipe down my workstation with sanitizing wipes when i get in. Before eating lunch or snacks I wash my hands. I open any doors/microwave/fridge using a paper towel. As I think I’ve shared before, my office is in a small little building not attached to the main hospital and I typically only see 2-3 people when I go in, and all of whom are at least 6 feet away from me if I see them at all. I wash my hands just about every hour (as that is how often I’m having to pee now in my almost 7th month of pregnancy) and my hands are looking dry, cracked, and chapped. But at least they’re clean.

I feel like this invisible enemy is making me paranoid and I’m sure I’m not the only one! Even though I know it is the safest thing to do, I feel GUILTY assuming that any other person has the virus. It feels so abnormal. Every person I see I automatically think “Are they infected? Could they give this to myself and my baby?” It makes me feel judgy and I hate that feeling and pride myself on being the opposite! We aren’t even letting our family members come over to our house unless they have been completely isolating for at least 2 weeks, “just in case” they have been exposed to the virus. My dad has been building a crib for Bean and has been purposefully isolating himself from all other people so that he can drive it out to us safely and without exposing us - even putting off a carpentry job just so he can avoid being around others. Partway through his first attempt at isolation, he had to go into the clinic to have a procedure done, and started his isolation over. So he’s coming a week later. Because as we all know, if you are around one other person, you are essentially exposing yourself to the germs of EVERYONE they have been around, and we know people can shed/spread the virus before they are symptomatic, etc. etc. etc. 

All of this is so much and so unpleasant to think about! I know it is necessary, but it is hard. It’s hard not to be social, not to give hugs, not to sit close to others, not to let friends and family touch my ever-growing bump. But I know it is for the best and won’t be forever.

I am VERY grateful that Aaron works from home and we don’t have to deal with him being exposed to anyone at an office. I’m also glad that we enjoy spending time with each other (still, somehow! lol). If you have someone to share this time in isolation with, consider yourself very lucky! It is so much harder for those who have no one else at home. Be sure you call and check on your loved ones who are all by themselves. I promise you they will be happy for the contact. Aaron and I have been doing some new fun things to beat the quarantine blues, including me teaching him how to play Mancala (my favorite childhood game), and watching a family of jackrabbits play in the field that is across the backyard from our house. They are ENORMOUS!! I knew that they were a mascot around here but was not aware of just how big they are in real life! We at first thought it was just a mom and dad and baby and named them Jack, Jill, and JoJo. Now we see that there are actually 3 little ones, so we have 2 more to name :) It is super fun to watch them tear across the field running after each other. I just cannot get over how big they are! We thought they were dogs or baby deer at first and then realized, nope...they are MegaBunnies. Aaron brought his rifle up so we could get a good look through his scope when we watch them. I also just ordered some binoculars online so we can have a better way of viewing them instead of having to hold up that rifle :)

I had my prayers answered this week when my supervisors and senior leadership approved my work from home request! I honestly never thought it would happen as they have not allowed hardly anyone to do so, but they made an exception for me because of my pregnancy AND because I already see the majority of my caseload using video/telehealth. I will still need to be in my office on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but am not expected to go over to the hospital for in-person visits anymore and can just hide out in my safe little office sanctuary and see patients from my computer. This will drastically reduce the number of people I see on a daily basis as well as the number of potential exposures for Bean and I. We set up an area in the spare bedroom downstairs that is a perfect, private, quiet space for my workday. I even have a cute little coworker/sidekick that keeps me company when I’m not in session (see pic at the end of this post).

I can’t believe I will be getting into my 7th month of pregnancy this weekend! Things that are getting harder for me are: putting on socks/shoes, wearing pants, shaving my legs, dealing with heartburn, getting in a comfortable position to sleep in (and sleeping in general, which is weird as I’ve never had that issue before!), sitting up from laying down, and dealing with having to go to pee about every 5 minutes. Also, not sure if other people who have gone through pregnancy have had this, but it feels like I have to pee mainly when I stand up and not when I sit down. So I stand up, run to the bathroom, sit, and then feel like I don’t have to go anymore. LOL! Like, JUST KIDDING! I know that my doc says that is normal due to the pressure that baby is putting on my bladder and gravity but, man, it’s annoying.

I have my next checkup on Monday and will be going solo as the hospital I go to is now requiring patients to come alone unless under the age of 18 to stop potential COVID spread. Aaron has been with me at nearly every appointment so this will be a change. For my 32 week ultrasound I will Facetime him in so he can see Bean - and we always get printouts of babe from those appointments, too. I only have 2 in-person appointments left, one on Monday and then my 32 week, and all other appointments will be via telehealth. Thankfully we are not in an area of the country where they have outlawed spouses from accompanying mothers during birth - both hospitals here have vowed not to do so at any point in the future, either. It is just crazy to me that some places have done that!! I can’t imagine having to go through labor without my husband there. Although things have definitely looked differently for me during this pregnancy than I ever thought they would, I am just focusing on the fact that as long as myself, family (including Bean), and loved ones make it through this pandemic OK, I will be very very happy.

I hope you are all staying happy and healthy!

xoxo - Miranda

My cute little coworker. Don’t mind the floors, we have to redo them...

Taking a 6+ foot social distance walk with my mom, complete with masks.

There’s me wearing my mask and shield that I needed to wear in the hospital before they allowed me to work from home. I wanted a pic to show Bean someday the crazy time that preceded his/her birth!

The crib my dad has made for Bean!! 

Aaron watching the MegaBunnies using his scope :) 

[quarantinewithbean]

Essentials

Well, another week has passed. I guess what they say about weeks flying by in pregnancy is true! I know for many the days during this pandemic are dragging on and on with people being at home, sheltering in place, without jobs to go to or places to be. I am still required at this point to show up to work every day. Although I have at (many) times felt scared about having to go work at a hospital each day with the ever-growing threat of this spreading COVID-19 virus, right now I do not have much of a choice. We have been told by those in charge at our hospital that expanding telework right now would make us less prepared if and when a surge of patients arrives. So, I just have to re-focus on the fact that I am happy to have a meaningful and steady (if not overloaded!) job during this time, making my days largely unchanged for the most part. I still have my routine, an unchanged income, solid insurance, purposeful days, a mission to complete. Aaron has been working from home for quite a few years, and his work has not slowed down in the least, so routine has not changed much for him either. We are both very very grateful just to have our jobs right now, especially with Bean coming! I am also lucky that I am relatively well-protected in my little office when I do go in to work, as it is not connected to the main hospital, is a secured building, and I see almost all of my patients utilizing video/telehealth methods at this point anyway, which minimizes my face-to-face contact. I also typically only see between 1 and 3 people in my office on any given day, all of whom are generally well over 6′ from me. Everyone I work with is being very cautious about keeping up with the social distancing, too.

I had embarrassing pregnancy moment #207 happen this afternoon and figured I’d share with you all in the spirit of giving as many laughs as possible to brighten dark days. Well, I received an email stating that some Walgreens were offering drive-thru shopping for certain shoppers who are more vulnerable to the virus, such as the elderly, immunosuppressed, and pregnant women. All you have to do is pull up to the drive-thru pharmacy window and state what you need and they will fetch your items as you wait in your car. Great! 

So I drove up to the window immediately after work and explained to the pharmacist that I was avoiding going into stores as I was pregnant, and he said “Definitely, I’m glad you didn’t come in given you’re pregnant! What sorts of essential items do you need? Some over the counter medicines?” 

....essential items?? Oh no. I must have missed that in the email. I totally just pulled up to this window because I wanted a container of Breyer’s Natural Vanilla Ice Cream. I did not think this through! Now it was too late, I was already here. Thankfully no one was behind me waiting for true essential items as I sit here and fumble over how I’m going to talk my way out of this mess.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I must’ve misread the ad. All I am here is for a container of ice cream....” I sheepishly responded, feeling my face become hot and for sure turning as red as a cherry. My mom was on the phone in the car and started chuckling audibly at my noticeable discomfort and I had to turn the volume all the way down so Randy the Pharmacist could not hear her.

Randy was a true sport though, and BUSTED out laughing. “I would definitely consider ice cream an essential item for a pregnant woman. I will be right back.” He went and fetched my Breyer’s as I frantically tried to regain my composure and tame my face down to a normal shade again. 

He quickly returned with my item and said, with a big smile, “Here you go ma’am. Is there anything else I can get you today? Pickles or anything?” LOL! That man deserves a raise. I paid him and drove off, with my ice cream. I am still giggling about it right now. DUH!

In other news, our nursery for Bean is coming right along! We are doing a jungle/baby safari animal theme. I’ll attach a few photos of some of the decorations thus far. I just got crib sheets, a Pendleton baby blanket, and pillow covers in the mail today! They are a bit wrinkly in the photos but you’ll get the idea. I love how everything is coming together, including the piece of Dr. Seuss artwork I painted last weekend :) There are also a few pics framed of us hanging with some animals in Thailand. My dad is working on making a crib and changing table which will be an amazing heirloom for us to have, too, and will be more solid and beautiful than anything we could have bought at a store (anyone who has seen the bar he custom built for us a few years ago will agree). 

I hope you all are staying home, safe, healthy, and calm. xoxo

[quarantinewithbean]

The Beginning

Really, this isn’t the beginning, it’s just the beginning of this blog. I really wanted to blog about my fertility journey from the start, but I was always so consumed with the “next step” and my own frustrations with continually NOT getting pregnant that I didn’t ever make the time. I’m not sure, maybe I had a fear that writing about it would make it even more real that it wasn’t happening. Maybe I was afraid it would somehow make my fear of never being able to have kids somehow come true. Or, perhaps it was just because I’ve always had a habit of starting a diary/journal/blog with great intentions but not continuing them (I have a stack of diaries with about 10 pages written in each from various years). I’m guessing it was a combination of things.

Then, by the time we finally became pregnant this past October after 4 years of trying (”trying” meaning: having countless doctor’s appointments, having to see reproductive specialists, shedding more tears than I would like to admit to, going through multiple unpleasant and painful medical procedures to figure out the source of our infertility, eventually having a surgery to open one of my Fallopian tubes, going through multiple rounds of fertility medications, and basically owning stock in pregnancy/ovulation test kits by the end of it), I was so ecstatic that I did not want to revisit any of the painful memories of how upsetting it was to get that negative test month after month. So, I didn’t start a blog. I just reveled in the happiness that I finally had a little bean in my belly. Well, reveled in happiness and morning sickness for a solid trimester and a half. But even that incessantly burning nausea couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face.

Now, fast forward and here I am, here we are together, and the world has been absolutely turned on its head. (Actually, that is putting it lightly. If I am being real, it feels more like the world has taken a giant shit all over everyone and everything and just can’t stop. Sort of like the cast of the original Bridesmaids after they all got food poisoning. That is our world at present.) I now have an even more incredible opportunity to document what it is like to survive these times living during a pandemic, 6 months pregnant, working at a hospital. What a combination! But I figured it is a once in a lifetime chance to share my thoughts on a page in hopes that my little bean will be able to someday look back and read about how crazy the world was when he/she was baking in my tummy. I know that I always soaked up stories that my Grandma Max would tell about surviving the Great Depression. It is always fascinating to hear about a surreal time that someone else went through, especially if it is so much different than the current life one is living. It allows us to learn and can help spur powerful perspective shifts in our own lives.

Living in the rural Midwest, I feel like this COVID-19 pandemic is just beginning. Actually, when the virus first started circulating in other parts of the world, I think it was easy for us all to at first deny that it would get that bad here in the US. Seeing footage of overrun hospitals on the TV felt like we were just watching a bad movie. Now our realities are much different, and we are experiencing it first hand here, seeing what it is doing to our cities, to our healthcare professionals, to our economy, to our businesses, to our communities, to our people. We know it will inevitably hit us here, too, in the Midwest - things are just a little slower to show here than the rest of the country. 

For those of you who don’t know, I work at the local VA hospital as a psychologist. Thankfully, I see many of my patients using telehealth/video sessions already and it wasn’t a huge shift to transition the rest of them to telehealth during this time to prevent potential spread of the virus. Half of my job is providing psychological services on a Home-Based Primary Care (HBPC) team, and half is also spent working in the hospital with patients at bedside as a medical psychologist on our long-term/continuing care/rehabilitation units. It is quite a tense environment for everyone at the hospital right now, for sure. I feel it when I arrive and leave my units there, and lately on my “hospital days” I get home and just feel sorta drained. The stress and anxiety is palpable. As you could imagine, any patient or colleague who coughs, sneezes, etc. basically causes everyone around to have a mini panic attack (or, maybe not everyone, maybe just me?? lol). My patients, understandably, are needing more support during this time, so I am having more frequent sessions and seeing an uptick in the number on my panel. This is fine with me though as I love what I do and giving therapy has a way of relaxing me as well. I am also very grateful that I will likely be able to see many of my hospital patients using technology as well (just seeing them via video from my office, which is located in a small secure building not attached to the main hospital.) I may still need to go to the hospital on occasion, but it won’t be as frequently as it was. They are trying to limit as much staff traffic as possible on the units I work because the population is so vulnerable, so the less people walking onto the floor the better. I really feel for my colleagues that are on the floor all the time, constantly prepping and waiting for the worst to hit. It feels like the calm before the storm over there - like when you see the sky turn purple in the distance and know that a tornado is headed your way. 

Being pregnant in the midst of all of this is just another added layer of complexity for me. On one hand, it does make me feel more stressed about potentially contracting the virus, because it’s not just me in my body and I want to do anything in my power to protect my little babe. I honestly feel like I would not be nearly as freaked out about getting COVID if I didn’t have this precious bean growing that took so many years and effort and prayers and tears to create. I am grateful that the (very small amount) of evidence thus far does not suggest much for adverse outcomes related to pregnancy and the virus, but I am also fearful knowing that the data is quite limited. I do know that pregnancy  suppresses my immune system and typically puts a woman at greater risk for complications with other respiratory infections/illnesses.

On the flip side, the opposite of being freaked out about being a pregnant healthcare worker during this pandemic, having this baby growing inside of me is such a welcome and happy distraction from everything! I love thinking about what it will be like when he/she finally arrives. I am nesting like a maniac at home, constantly cleaning and organizing and decorating our nursery and going in there and sitting in the rocking chair and imagining what our baby will be like. I’m singing to Bean, too, and it is so nuts - every time I do he/she just bounces all over the place! Either loves my voice or hates it. Lol. I am loving the time spent at home with my two favorite boys, too. Aaron has been making killer meals and Darwin is reveling in all of the mom and dad cuddle time (which, he had better soak up as his life is going to become quite miserable for him having to share his throne in a matter of months.) 

Well, I suppose it’s time for me to get some rest before another crazy day at the office tomorrow. It is just about time for Bean’s 9 pm gymnastics session :) Stay safe, healthy, call each other, and STAY HOME!

Here’s a random pic of me during Aaron and my trip to Deadwood in October. We found out we were expecting just a few short weeks after this was taken :) It reminds me of the beginning of this journey. We are hoping to return to the Black Hills for a long weekend in May (as long as this virus stuff settles down).