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[queenbolete]

maybe it will help if I start chronicling this stuff more

woke up and ate a banana with some peanut butter

at work I did a decent amount of snacking- 1 small nectarine, some pineapple, a few stalks of asparagus and a few small vegan cookies. I also ate the lunch I brought from home, brown rice with tomato/eggplant/kale stew

at home I was feeling very exhausted and weird. made kale/herbs/greens with a roasted potato and radish, with some liquid aminos, quinoa, and cashew paste.

I want to take a. nap. I want to sleep, I feel so weirdly drained today. its only 5pm but I want nothing more than to go to bed.

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

i feel like ive been very much slacking on preparing for this trip. i am not physically ready. i  cannot keep smoking. i have hardly trained.

fuck. i have just over 1 month to prepare. starting today,i am taking it more seriously. after work, i will go running every day to get my cardio in shape and to promote general taking care of myself. i will climb mt tabor every day, and do it at full speed. gotta get used to those climbs. holy shit i am not ready

[queenbolete]

you can literally lay in bed and eat a block of cheese like an apple and it’s not illegal

[queenbolete]

ok today i woke up n ate a spoonful of peanut butter

at lunch i had some oatmeal with blueberries/almond butter, with a side of grape tomatoes and a baby orange

after school i ate another baby orange, a carrot, and some sunflower seeds

dinner was sushi made with jasmine rice, sweet potato w red pepper, tofu in soy sauce, green onion, cilantro. i ate 1 roll, and then i went out for 2 beers and ate another roll when i got home. 

that’s not that bad, right? i’ve been running/playing polo/dancing til im so sweaty every day for at least an hour, so today i wanted to celebrate some nice news with a friend so i took the day off from working out. is that ok? i feel happy about it. i still biked at least 10 miles today to and from work and to my post work errand? feels good to me.

i feel happy, i feel healthy, i feel free, i feel unconstrained by my goals and methodology to which i aim to achieve them. do what you want to do. respect your body, respect your social body. promise or nourishment over threat of cleansing 

[queenbolete]

ooofff

The King Plus by Helio Ascari

© jetsetters

[queenbolete]

a clean bedroom is extremely calming and satisfying to me. i look forward to straight lines of shoes, a swept floor, a made bed, a clear surface. i was sitting and reveling in it just now and it made me feel really nice and centered. shit isnt always in order, and i don’t often have control of my environment. never, actually. and i probably should learn to find comfort in chaos, but i still cling to needing my carved out piece of life. my tiny pod i can exist exactly how i want to. in real life. i have it, and i feel extremely grateful.

today i got clipless bike shoes and im so excited to keep practicing and get good as hell at it. 

i smoked 1 cigarette today and if i’ll be honest, i want another. thinking about it, taking a moment before giving in.

i ate a few small handfulls of raisin bran cereal this morning before leaving the house at 7am.

at work, i had a banana/berry/pb/oat smoothie, and some leftover tofu/broccoli from last night.

i got home and ate a slice of bread with cheese and butter, as well as a bunch more raisin brain. i am a glutton for bran it is out of control.

dinner was rice noodles in miso broth with leek, kale/spinach, and mushroom.

snack was tortilla chips and a kombucha.

overall not that bad, right? i’m having a glass of wine to wind down my night. i did a lot today, got a lot done, felt good, crossed things off my list.

i’m extremely interested in pursuing graduate school, and have been looking into my options. one in particular stands out- would require moving (by june 2018) to a small city in the same region. affordable, beautiful, outdoorsy, bikey progressive city in a state i still like. could be great. could be really great. i am excited at just the thought of it all

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

i am going to get back into documenting my choices. ive been happier than ive been in a while, but i have not been paying much attention to my foods. maybe by documenting, ill be able to keep tabs and be honest

today i woke up and made coffee and a berry/banana/pb/alm milk smoothie. went and hiked in the gorge and saw so many beautiful beautiful things. and then we came back to town and i got a veggie tofu bahn mi sandwich. i ate it so fast and wow i feel great. its 3pm now, and im satisfied and drinking water. yesterday was a garbage eating day so im gonna try harder. before i go out this evening i think ill make some sort of veggie and lentil or veggie and rice noodle dinner. ill probably have some beers and a few cigarettes but ugh come on let me live.

yesterday i had a blueberry/banana/pb/alm milk smoothie and a small kale salad w cashew cauce for lunch. then i got home and had a slice of cheese pizza LOL then later i roasted up mushrooms, tofu and leek and ate it on a bed of kale salad.THEN at night i got stoned watching a movie w my roommates and at 2 pieces of cheese pizza. 

now that i write it out it doesnt seem that terrible ya know but it felt like a lot of freakin pizza at the time

im working on being happy and healthy and someties i have a hard time but sometimes i do ok

[queenbolete]

Precisely vulnerable

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

ive had a little bit of a rough week

ive drank alcohol almost every night for the past 7 days. i woke up this saturday morning and immediately was like “the fuck am i doing”. circumstantially, this week has been full of a lot of things that make me want to drink, smoke, and skip working out. it was also teacher appreciation week, so at work there was always pizza and donuts. which of course im not gonna not eat... job is hard enough without having to add on “actively try to avoid staff lounge because of all the delicious free snacks” to my list of duties.

i need to take a smoking break, a drinking break, and a sugar break. i feel like my method of just trying to cut back with no real parameters of consequences for my actions has not worked. do i need to put stricter guidelines to what i consume? how do i regulate that? what sort of reward system needs to be in place to make me actually get my shit together?

ive been experiencing a lot of short term endorphin/seratonin satisfaction from drinking, smoking, and sugar. this is always followed by a crash.

yesterday morning i ate a big sugary donut first thing in my day, a few hours later i actively was like “holy fuck i am crashing, i need water, i need avegetable...” but then i ate pizza. like, COME ON. bad choices nonstop. i woke up this morning feeling bloated, headachy, puffy, raw throat, shaky body. i need to detox all the alcohol, sugar, and nicotine in my body. 

this weekend i will focus on that. i would like to keep that rollin through next week as well

list of what to consume/do/focus on:

make a big cucumber/spinach/pear smoothie and drink it throughout the day. make it your snack food, your meal, your oral fixation

bananas and grapefruits and that tomato can be a whole dang meal

drink a lot of water- like, keep track of how many ounces and then keep going when you lose count

when youre really hungry, dip into that big sushi roll from yesterday- all veggies, no sugar (some liquid aminos, pretty salty, but its not too bad)

STRETCH/ MOVE/ RUN/ WORK OUT/ DO SOMETHING VERY PHYSICAL AND SWEATY AND GET IT ALL OUT

when you are offered cigarettes, say no thanks. nobodys gonna be mad

bring your own water (or tea) out to the show if you go

okay and now it is noon. i am still in bed at noon and it’s awesome but holy fricky its time to get up. 

[queenbolete]

Mount St. Helens, Washington

The complete series of photos from the Mount St. Helens climb.

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

[queenbolete]

ive been doing

better, i think?

socially, i dont even want to get into it. this city is hard, my big group of “supportive, community-minded, spiritual” non-man friends hasn’t been there for me in some of my darkest times lately. nobody calls, nobody texts, nobody checks in. i see an endless stream of selfies from them, but when one of their own is stuck in bed with the deep depressive zones, it’s silent. but hwatever, i’m trying to work on myself and be there for MYself. i’m doing ok

ive been working out almost every day for over an hour for the past 3 weeks- aside from the few days i was sick i can feel my arms getting stronger, and my core getting firmer. it’s nice to sweat. it’s nice to release pent up energy. it’s nice to be in a public space working out, but having a private experience. 

ive been eating farily well too. not beating myself up about sometimes slipping up. but i really haven’t been that much. my alcohol tolerance has gone down so much that last weekend i had 4 beers over the course of 7 hours and was frickedddddupppppp. i had a really nice evening out with my partner and a friend. eating a lot of kale, green beans, spaghetti squash, legumes, smoothies, etc. i also eat bread and sometimes chocolate and candy. balance is all i’m after. 

i feel stronger than i did before- emotionally, mentally, physically. not stronger than EVER but better than a few weeks ago. every weekend it was a deep mess. this weekend, i’m going out to seattle with people i hardly know to do fun bike stuff, hopefully make some friends, get some bruises, and dance. looking forward to it, but also full of quite a bit of anxiety. i went to the store today and bought some travel snacks- pb packets, apples, baby carrots, granola. worried im gonna buy cigarettes. fuck it if i do. i can handle it

keeping it up, doing my best