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queenviolist-blog · 7 years

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Adeline’s Story

Life is like a crazy amusement park ride. It has its ups and downs. The joys, sorrows, and everything in between. With every decision, or lack of, your life changes. There is a quote I once read, it said You are always one decision away from a totally different life. The thing is.. With Adeline, I never had a choice.

I had always wanted to have three kids. When we played “House” at school and even at home, I gathered three baby dolls and said I would be a mommy to three babies. I don’t know why, but three just seemed like a good number. As I got older, I ended up having two of the three kids I wanted. But not who I wanted them with. The guy I married was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I was glad to have that part of my life behind me. When I first found out I was pregnant, I called the baby “Lil Seed” cuz it was my little love seed, and was about the size of a seed at the time. Then the Hatchimal craze started. My kids were crazy about those things. After being exposed to that term on a daily basis, trying to acquire one, I decided to call the baby Hatchimal because after all, it was a creature that had not yet hatched lol. I had a “regular” pregnancy and besides the extended morning sickness (until the eighteenth week), I felt like everything was fine. Up until my anatomy scan, everything was fine. I was good, and baby was good. I didn’t find out the gender of my first two until they were born, so at the anatomy scan I initially declined to know, but later asked the ultrasound technician to put it in an envelope in case I wanted to do anything later. This is the first time I felt like something was “off” The tech was very concerned with the placenta and the umbilical cord. She left the room to go talk to the doctor. After the doctor came in, I was informed that I had what was called a Velamentous Cord Insertion. This is basically where the cord does not attach to the placenta as it should (in the middle), but mine had attached on the side and had a portion of blood vessels exposed. I was explained that it wasn’t a big deal, but that it may lead to a growth restricted baby in some cases. Otherwise, it didn’t present a danger until delivery, where the cord may be prone to rupture during childbirth and the baby may bleed out. Of course, they didn’t tell me all that. I read most of that info online. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I felt like as if a death warrant was issued with my daughter’s name. The next few prenatal visits were uneventful. I discussed my dropping iron levels. Wondered how Anemic I would get. It was nothing new, I was anemic on and off. I always worried about the umbilical cord. That thought was in the back of my mind. But time and time again, I was assured I was fine. I learned that Hatchimal was in the 25th percentile for her weight. Normally, babies should be in the 50th percentile. Not too big, not too small. I was told that since I was petite, my baby was small too. This is why I hardly showed. I tested slightly higher than normal for my one hour glucose test. I blamed it on the cereal and milk I had the morning of the test. I had forgotten to fast, so I ate a small bowl of cereal. I was scheduled to take the three-hour glucose test in late March just to assure that I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I can’t remember at what point, but curiosity got the best of me one day and I opened the envelope and saw the ultrasound pics. At the end, I read “It’s a Girl!” on a pink sticky note. I was ecstatic. I wanted a girl soo bad. I had two already and a third one would fit right in. I don’t know why but the thought of having a boy made me shiver. I couldn’t see myself as a “boy mom.”

I remember the day of March 28th. It started like any other. I took the girls to school and then came home looking for energy. I picked up the girls from school and decided to take them to the pool after school. They swam around happily. I reluctantly got in because the water was really cold. I hate being cold. I noticed that Hatchimal was more sluggish than usual. Normally, this baby would kick me HARD when she was hungry. I wasn’t even hungry yet and she would be moving in there. I would feel her knees and elbows. As soon as I ate, she would calm down. She showed me who’s boss. But on this day, I figured she was sleepy. After washing her baby clothes in Dreft, and sorting them by size and putting them away, I laid down in bed. It was 1030pm when Delilah came and jumped into bed with me to tell me goodnight. I scolded her for being up an hour and a half after her bedtime but still hugged her and rubbed her head. She asked me if she was gonna be a good sister, and I said she was. She told me she would help feed her and give her the green soothie paci and love her so much. At that point, I felt Hatchimal move. I asked if Delilah wanted to feel and she agreed. She put her had on where Hatchimal had moved and Delilah’s face lit up. I sent her to bed. As she left I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It came out of nowhere. It kind of freaked me out. I rubbed my stomach and told her to go to sleep too. I feel asleep about thirty minutes later.

I woke up on March 29th to go use the restroom. I noticed I had really bad back pain. I got myself ready because I had the extended glucose tolerance test. Yuck. I hauled ass on Bloomingdale and made it there 6 mins late. Lovely. I hate Bloomingdale traffic. I was poked before taking the sugary drink. I thought “Ok. One of four pokes done” I took the drink, and sat down. They alternated the arms for the blood draws. Four in total. The last test I winced when the needle went in. I remember an ultrasound pic where Hatchimal was wincing. I wondered if I looked as cute as her wincing. I laughed, but thought “I will get pricked however many times I need to as long as you’re healthy Hatchimal” I went to eat at a smoothie place. Ate a sandwich and a smoothie. It was then that I realized I hadn’t felt her move at all that day. I googled it and it said that glucose tests have different effects on babies. I thought it was odd bc I figured that all that sugar would of made her hyper and not sluggish. It wasn’t until 3pm that day that I was laying in my couch that I thought, Have I felt her move? I called my OBGYN and they advised me to go to L&D. I decided to wait because I was soo tired from the testing and didn’t want to take the drive to TGH. I laid there thinking she was asleep anyway, and I think I dozed off too. About 9pm, I decided to go to L&D. I had Braxton Hicks contractions but it was normal due to me being a few days shy of 8 months. I sat in her closet and played with a clear marble that I found on the carpet. I pretended like it was a fortune telling ball. I finally gathered my purse and keys and left. I got there and they recognized my because I had been there four days prior due to feeling “shitty” I wanted a blood transfusion but they said my levels weren’t low enough. I changed into a gown and waited for the nurse. She came in and put the blue strap on and located my heartbeat right away. She then grabbed the pink strap and put it on my stomach. Nothing. She moved it around and nothing. She said that it was maybe bc of how the baby was sitting. She put more gel and moved it around. Nothing. Silence. I felt my face get hot and my heartbeat thump in my neck. Loudly. She left saying that she wanted to get an ultrasound machine to get a better look. She came in with the ultrasound tech. They put more gel, and started the machine. At this point, I have tears welding up in my eyes. To say I was terrified was an understatement. They put the wand over my belly and I saw her. Right away I knew she was gone. I saw her chest and no flickering of her lil heart. They moved the wand around. More people came in. I looked at the Tech’s face. She was biting her inner cheek. I could tell. Her eyelids flickered. Unlike my daughter’s heart. She bit her lips. Pressed them. Then someone else took over. They told me to turn to my side. Then back to my back. By now I have tears running down my face. Finally, after what seemed forever, and after a room full of specialists, the older woman said. “Im sorry. There is no heartbeat” Just like that. No heartbeat. I was stunned. It took a second to scream “Noooooo..My baby” and they all said they were sorry for my loss. I yelled “My baby CANT be gone” I lost it. I cried so hard I had eve liner and mascara all over my face and gown. I told them this was the fourth baby that I lost, and a nurse started crying. They all left one by one until the original nurse asked me what I wanted to do. I could go home and sleep and then come back in the morning after I was rested and ready. Can you believe that? First of all, I wouldn’t of been able to sleep at home knowing my sweet baby was gone. Second, I would of never been “ready” to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you have never said Hello to? I said I had to go home and get a few things and I would be back within the hour. I left. When I got home, I realized that all along, I had had premonitions and feelings like something had been off. That was maybe why I wanted to get my hospital bag ready with such urgency. Why I felt like I was running out of time, even though I knew that I had eight more weeks. I sat in Hatchimal’s walk in closet. I grabbed the marble that was still on the floor. I looked at all the boxes of diapers she had. The bathtub. Her soaps and lotions. Bottles. Her clothes. I didn’t even know what to take to the hospital. Should I pack clothes? A pacifier? She was gone but what if I wanted to take a picture with a pacifier in her mouth. Then I wondered what she would look like. She was gone. Would she look different than a live baby? I had never seen a dead baby before. I gathered what I thought I would need and left back to the hospital. It seemed so surreal. Going past downtown. Knowing that it was a one-way trip for her. Once I got back to the hospital I grabbed all my stuff. My photography equipment. My purse. Robe. And a makeshift diaper bag with her stuff. I was moved to the Labor and Delivery rooms instead of their L&D triage. They started an IV and put me on Cervadil, which is a labor inducing drug. I tried to get some sleep because besides the Braxton hicks contractions. My body wasn’t ready to let her go.

It was March 30th now. I tossed and turned. Couldn’t sleep. Got 30 mins of sleep. I felt the contractions but they were mild. I spent the whole day waiting. Waiting for the medicine to do its job, and make me contract. Waiting to meet my sleeping angel. I labored and waited.

March 31st made its arrival. It was 9am and the four doses of Cervadil had no effect on me. Was it possible my subconscious was telling my body to fight it off? I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To have my baby with me. I was still in denial. I was placed on Pitocin since they wanted to speed things along. They gave me the strongest dose they could give. It brought my contractions to 2-3 minutes apart. I was starting to finally feel them. Savages. Just like that, I went from having no pain to moderate pain. I wanted to be as alert and awake as I could be for when my baby got here. I declined an epidural. I never had one, and I figured I never will. Around 1030am I started feeling unbearable pain. I inquired about pain relief that didn’t involve an epidural. They suggested nitrous oxide. It was quick. Easy and the drowsiness wore off a minute or two after I took the mask off. I agreed. It didn’t get rid of the pain but “took the edge off” so I was content. I was checked and was barely at 3cm dilated. The pain quickly came in waves. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 5 seconds of where the pain would build up. 30 seconds of sheer excruciating pain. 5 seconds of the paid going away and 20 seconds of relief. I looked forward to those 20 seconds. I wondered why this was more painful than what I remembered. The only difference was that it was an induced birth, and induced births hurt more bc of the synthetic drugs. Also, she was breech. She was butt down and her head was up. Basically, sitting on my cervix. Her feet in her face like always. At around 11am, I was screaming in pain. The laughing gas did its job for 30 mins but was no longer effective. I was barely 3cm so the nurse suggested something in the IV to put me to sleep since I had to reach until 10cm. I did say yes or no just kept crying. I wanted the pain to stop. At 11:10 she came in with the drug and put it in the IV. I was barely feeling the effects of the coldness coming in through the IV. I was still in pain. I lifted my head and I felt a pop and my water break. (I had never had my water break with the other two; they broke it for me minutes before their birth). I felt a gush of warm fluid come out as well as immediate relief. She was half out. Within my next contraction a few seconds later, she was out. I saw the shock in the nurse’s face. She said, “But you were 3cm dilated!!” She called a code and suddenly the room was filled with specialists. The room was so silent. No cries. No gasps for air. It was a reverent moment. She was finally here. Born at 11:15am. I tried to keep my eyes open but I was very disoriented. I was dizzy and tired. I immediately regretted taking the IV drugs. But who knew that five minutes later I would have her? The things with drugs are, that not just because the baby is born do they stop working. I remember a nurse coming over and saying about something about the umbilical cord. I heard the word “knot”, and “base of her belly” I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was handed her by the nurse with such care. I was still very drowsy and disoriented. I took her carefully. She was perfect. I didn’t cry. I just stared at her. Looking at ever feature. Her eyelashes. Her nose. Her long fingers. Long arms and legs. Tiny toes. I smiled because her beauty blew me away. She had curly hair!! (Mine and the girls are straight hair) I kissed her and just looked at her. The nurse took pictures. They asked me her name. Adeline. Her name was Adeline Yesenia. We had picked the name that same morning. She was no longer Hatchimal. She was now Adeline Yesenia born on March 31st, 2017 at 11:15am weighing 3lbs and 2oz and 17” in length. I was proud.

That day went by fast. I slept most of that afternoon. I was still drugged. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I hated that part of my decision. Nurses were in and out checking my temperature and blood pressure. I had extensive bloodwork done. I wondered how much blood they had taken. I felt weak. My friend Gloria came to visit me. I love her. My mom and sister came as well. Even Monsignor Diez came to see me. I will never forget the uplifting conversation we had. I had my baby Baptized. Her baptism was beautiful. I recorded it. I felt like my duties as her mother were satisfied. She was the newest member of the catholic faith. My mom and sister were her Godmothers. I took lots of photos with my own equipment. I also requested a photographer to come in. She was inexperienced, was only there for two months. Nonetheless, I wanted as many pics as I could because I would never see the chance to see her grow up, and photographer as much as I would have liked. I chose a package. I went to sleep for the night.

April 1st, I wanted as much time with my baby as possible. I spend the day changing her outfits and photographing her. I It wasn’t until 8pm that they were ready to discharge me. I had already made preliminary plans for funeral arrangements. I did not want to leave. I wanted to leave with her in my arms. I wanted what every mother wants when they give birth. I wanted my baby home with me. As the time was approaching, I grew more emotional. I was dreading it. I laid with her, Looked at her. Tried to remember her. I didn’t want to forget her. I looked at her curly hair again. Oh, that hair. I kissed her cold little hands. She smelled like Baby Magic. The original one. I looked at her tiny fingerprints. She made a huge impression on me. She left her print in this world. I finally wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the bassinet. Then I was taken by wheelchair out. Leaving behind a piece of my heart. A part of me. I remember the ride home. I felt so empty. There was a truck in front of us with baby feet and angel wings. That baby had passed away at 2 months. How horrible. I got home and I was greeted by my neighbor and mom. They stayed with me for a bit, then they left. I started shaking uncontrollably. I think I was moaning or grunting. I couldn’t stop. It was like spasms or chills. I don’t know. I went to bed and kept hallucinating. I thought I saw demons amongst the shadows. At one point, I gasped. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up to cold chills, then night sweats. That lasted about a week. I had nightmares. When I was awake, I was too sick to get out of bed. The thing with the body is that it doesn’t know that your baby died. My breast got engorged fast. That was painful. I was so sore. I decided to pump. I had two pumps that were waiting to be used. So, I used them. I felt a lil better. I pumped for about a week. It helped me feel better. I refused to go back to the ER for my fevers. My daughter was at the morgue in the same hospital. Plus, going back would bring too many memories of days prior. I spend the first few days planning Adeline’s funeral.

I ended up having her funeral services on April 7th. Ironically, that was the day I had made an appointment to go back to Meet A Baby to see her “one last time” before she came into this world. I did see her “one last time” but at the funeral home. Not what I was expecting. During the viewing, I took her out of her casket. I wanted to hold her and kiss her one last time. I stayed up there talking to both priests Father Eugene and Father Diez. We had her funeral service and then went out to bury her. I think I was in so much shock that I couldn’t cry. When it was over, I got home and just reflected on her short life. Eight months. From the time, she was created (Yay. Happy Birthday to me!) to when I laid her to rest, it felt like it was too short. My due date was Memorial Day. May 29th, 2017. She never made it. The next few weeks were a blur. Fighting for my benefits I was entitled to. Darn insurance companies. All those years paying my premium. I learned that (Pending the Autopsy Report) Adeline passed away due to an umbilical cord accident by “Hyper-coiled Umbilical Cord” causing fetal hypoxia. Basically, she spun around in there so many times that the umbilical cord couldn’t withstand the torsion and she passed away due to asphyxiation because her blood and oxygen supply were compromised. The Velamenous Cord Insertion did restrict her growth and she had more room to move around in there. Who knew that the cord that were supposed to extend life from me to my child is what failed her. That lifeline, and bond is what ended her life. Have you’ve ever wondered how fragile life really is? It’s extremely fragile. Adeline taught me to appreciate life. Never take it for granted. To laugh until you cry, and cry until you can no longer. She taught me to love unconditionally. She taught me to trust God more than I ever knew. And to look forward to the next day. Because another day gone, is another day closer I am to seeing her again. So, no.. I had no choice to see her go. If it were up to me, I would have wanted her here. I would have given my last breath in exchange to see her take her first. I had no choice to feel this heartbreak, but the choice I did have was to look at the bright side in life. Because, I believe, that is what she would have wanted. I love you Adeline. Thank you for everything.

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