questforsobriety-blog

[questforsobriety-blog]

new

https://whycouldntisee.tumblr.com/

[questforsobriety-blog]

I hate the fucking name of this thing.

The name of this blog is absolute bullshit and I hate it. I thought it was cool 4 years ago but its just tacky and bullshit and it actually annoys the fuck out of me. New one soon.

[questforsobriety-blog]

one week

As of today I’ve been alcohol free for one week, which is a bit of an accomplishment for me because I can’t remember the last time I went a entire week without booze. I’m starting to notice the negative effects of cutting alcohol out of my life so suddenly. I’m hungry all the time, I’ve been getting insane mood swings, where I get extremely low, and a minute later feel just fine, I’m more irritable than usual, and have been getting stressed out easily at work. But with the negatives, there’s tons of positives. I have way more energy, I’m more focused, when I get the lows, they’re easier to manage, I’m more productive at work, and generally just feel a whole lot better.

Not drinking over the weekend was easy. I actually had a great weekend, well, one day off work. Went record shopping in the morning, went for lunch with my parents, went rowing on the lake for a couple hours, did some more shopping, planned some stuff out for my california trip in october, went to a movie by myself, and then went to the pub for my friends dj night and had an alcohol free beer.

Over all things are going good. I made a post on facebook today about how I haven’t drank in a week. I was actually trying to keep sobriety on the down low, because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or get too much attention, but I got a ton of positive support for a simple post that just said “one week alcohol free”.

I guess that’s all I got for now.

[questforsobriety-blog]

hold on

I’ve spent so much time of my life waiting for things to change but doing nothing for it. Continuing to live the same way, and just assuming that one day everything would magically get better. Fuck that, it’s bullshit. The only way things will get better is if I make them better. The only way I will get better is if I make myself better.

Not drinking has been easy, it’s only been 5 days, but it’s been easy. I’ve turned down free booze and drugs several times. Today I went to the pub and had a alcohol free beer just because I felt like socializing a little bit after work. I did make one dumb decision, and it’s something I definitely need to work on. I went to the casino today and lost $500. Had I been intoxicated it all, I wouldn’t have walked away after $500 though, and I would have kept going until I had no money. Gambling is the next thing I will quit, and that begins now. 

[questforsobriety-blog]

lord, shine a light

I made it through Friday night, which I was worried about. I even turned down a free beer after work and instead opted for water with lime. It was easy actually. This morning I woke up early, walked to the store, bought some records and an artisinal yerba mate soft drink, and rather than wasting too much time writing in this I’m going to head to the lake and take my boat out for a quick row before work tonight. 

Also, I booked a trip to california for two weeks in october. I’m stoked. 

[questforsobriety-blog]

all i want in life’s a little bit of love to take the pain away

After a week or so of heavy binge drinking, I can now say I’ve been completely sober for 72 hours as of this very moment, and it feels great. Today I had tons of energy, was way more productive at work, and was overly positive for the most part. Though I still had some ups and downs through out the day, maybe cried a little bit for no reason at some point. Maybe that’s an result of the coming off booze, maybe it’s an effect of the anxiety and depression I’ve struggled with for most of my life, but it’s probably a bit of both. However, while the first two days were easy to stay away from alcohol, today I definitely craved it very much so. A lot of “it wouldn’t hurt to have a drink or two after work” thoughts. But I resisted, and now instead of getting drunk somewhere, I’m at home in bed writing in this, and it feels good. 

I’m not really sure what to say in this really. I’ve wrote two very long posts in the last week, one drunk, and one sober on the first day of sobriety, and both of them didn’t get posted because my computer is a piece of shit and kept crashing. I’m sure they were both very different in contrast. The drunk one (written the night before the sober one) started simply with “FUCK”, and oddly enough I remember more of the drunk one than the sober one. All I remember of the sober one was writing about my day, and making a joke about how this is really just my teen age diaryland account now (it really is though). 

I think one thing I’m realizing is that while I started this as a tool to help myself get sober four years ago, and revisited it recently for the same purpose, sobriety is not entirely what I’m after at all. I’m looking for inner peace, and happiness. I’m looking for purpose, and the reason why I’ve spent so long living the way I have, in more or less self-inflicted misery. I’m looking for comfort, to be comfortable in my day to day life, to be comfortable with the way I look, to be comfortable with the way I feel, to be comfortable with the way I think. I have spent most of my life feeling like an outsider (thought definitely not living like one), and not fully understanding the world around me, or the way people are. I’m not sure if I ever will. 

My moods and feelings have been changing nearly constantly forever. 10 years ago I was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder. I’m not sure if that’s a real thing, or just a way of describing my thought and emotional process. Lately it’s been pretty bad though. I can feel great at work, leave, cry on the bus home, get home, feel nothing, lay in bed and feel empty, and then get up and feel great a minute later. I’m able to control it better when I don’t drink, though drinking was my way of medicating it for so long, and when I’m drunk it goes away, but the effects of the alcohol in between near constant intoxication were the hardest and I never realize that until I attempt to remove alcohol from my life and more mental clarity begins to kick in. 

I have a lot to look forward to, and I hope I can stick with this. Tomorrow will be a real test for me, I get a massive pay cheque, and I don’t work on Saturday morning. Even though I broke my “no drinking if I work both jobs the next day” rule a whole bunch last week, it’s still a cause for motivation for me to not drink a lot of nights of the week. 

[questforsobriety-blog]

ugh

So I made a solid effort at sticking with this, and it lasted since that last post until a few days ago. I don’t even want to write in this right now but I’m forcing myself to. I’ve been drinking for the last few days, quite heavily, like black out drinking. Usually sitting at a pub by myself, or in the forest. I set a rule for myself a while back that I was allowed to have one drink a night, but not on nights before I have to work both my jobs the following day. The rule was working, and kept me from drinking almost every night since I do both jobs Monday to Friday. This week I broke that, and knowing myself, once I break my rules once, I will continue to do so, so there’s that. I am an alcoholic, and I think I need to get professional help. 

[questforsobriety-blog]

fuck it

It’s been almost four years since I wrote in this, and a lot of fucked up shit has happened. I definitely didn’t stick with sobriety, and while I made a couple solid efforts, none of them lasted. When I started this four years ago, I never thought I’d come back to it, but here we are. I’ve decided to give myself another chance at sobriety. I need to do it for my own personal well being, and the well being of the relationships I have with people around me. While I drink far less than I used to, I can still constantly see the negative effects drinking has on my life. I will write more on this on a day to day basis, or when I have the time. I’m sure there’s more I wanted to write tonight, but I can’t find the motivation right now. 

Edit: Wow. I didn’t realize how much I have changed over the last four years until I went back and read through some of the stuff I wrote on here. First of all, drinking isn’t nearly as big of a problem for me anymore, and I hardly touch drugs besides a little medicinal before bed. I DID have another coke phase that lasted for a year a while back, but I’m over that and haven’t really touched that shit in months. I still drink more often than I’d like, and it has it’s negative effects, as I’ve mentioned. I would still consider myself an alcoholic, though I’m much more able to control it than I was when I was younger. A lot of nights I’m totally capable of having one beer, and then going home. But a lot of nights I still can’t control myself, and when I say I’m going to only have one beer, I end up having twenty. I’m older now, and I’m ready to settle down. My life is in a much different place than it was four years ago. I still cook food, though I’ve moved on to a higher level, where food has become art, and I am extremely passionate about it, I spend 70+ hours a week doing that. I still haven’t made music in years, though I’m always planning on it. I’m happier now than I was then, even though the last year has been extremely trying on me. 

A brief run down of the last year:

- Still drank too much and did too much cocaine for a good chunk of it.

-Lost a job I had been at for three years and loved.

-Lost my girlfriend that I had been with for three years and loved.

-Tried moving to Europe for a new job, lasted two months, moved back to Canada, financially crippled myself in the process of all of it.

-Got evicted and had to move 5 times in 6 months. Lived with my parents for a while until they wanted me out. Lived with my brother for a little while until he wanted me out.

-Continued gambling/drinking and digging myself into even further financial ruin.

-Destroyed a business I founded 5 years ago.

I’m sure there’s more. But writing about that shit, it’s a fucking bummer, man. Lets get to the positives of the last three months:

-Dramatically slowed down on drinking, quit cocaine

-Moved into a house, I have two room mates, haven’t been evicted yet, everything is cool and I dig it. Also, very affordable.

-I work two jobs, one of them is one of the best restaurants in the country, the other is one of the best restaurants in the city. I work very long days. I get a long with my co-workers for the most part, and I work harder than I ever have.

-My sleep schedule, as fucked as it is due to work, I sleep for an average of 5-6 hours per night. I go to bed early, and I wake up early. Sometimes I have time in the morning to exercise a little bit before work. Sometimes I take my time getting ready. Sometimes I decide to sleep for an extra half hour.

-My friendships and relationships with people I’ve maybe not been so good to over the years are beginning to be rebuilt. I’ve apologized to a lot of people, and am making a very solid effort to show them that I realize how much I fucked up in the past.

-I’m happy more often than not, and I mostly see the world in positive light. 

-Slowly digging myself out of financial ruin.

I guess the whole point of this is that I’ve been on a major up swing for the last three months, and I want, no, I need, to continue that. I want to use every tool at my disposal to make sure I can continue it. I see this blog as a tool. I know no one reads it. I don’t want anyone to read it. It’s a journal thats easier for me to write in because my penmanship is illegible and my hands cramp up when I write for too long. Some personal shit. 

Edit number 2: Reading back even further, to the pre-relapse posts I made here. I realize I haven’t really changed that much. The sober posts are much more relate-able. I should have kept with it.  

[questforsobriety-blog]

Croatia

Dear lord of pharmaceuticals, I think they call you Dionysus Please give me a drug that lets me stop thinking I've tried all the ones that are a step beyond over the counter and they don't help. I went to the discotheque in Croatia today and felt lonely as hell. Unable to communicate with anyone. I stood lonely with three vantage points: the dance floor, the dj booth, and off into nothing. The best parts were when the smoke machines would go off and I couldn't see two feet in front of me. Hell is knowing you have nothing to come home to.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Barcelona 2

It seems like after my fucking bullshit nervous breakdown, I've found some sort of creativity once again. I guess misery brings it out. This morning after a 4 hour long cold shower I decided I needed a cigarette and went for a walk to find a pack. Unlike everywhere else I've been in you-rup so far, i discovered you can really only buy smokes, dirts, darts, or whatever the fuck you want to call them at cigarette shops. So I put on my headphones, and wandered the streets listening to the newest Cheval Sombre album while trying to find a tobacco shop. As I was waking and breaking down randomly in tears, I felt like I got fucking hit in the face with the back hand of the creative gods and had songs flowing through my head. I sat down, lit up the final cigarette in my pack, and wrote lyrics to a non existent song, which is the first thing I've wrote that I thought could be translated to music in over a year and a half. I've spent my day since wandering the streets, getting drunk off sangria at 2 pm and continuing to drink up until I'm writing this, and after. I'm on a beach with a 40 oz of some cheap cerveza in front of me. Covered in sand. And it's kind of nice. But I still can't help to think about being at home. There's certain people and things I miss there. Girls and animals mostly. Girls shouldn't be plural, just one really. But that's just silly non sense on my behalf. Same girl I talked about last entry, the one who will be reading a more in depth account of all my bullshit once I get back to the an Internet shop or something. I should probably just stop that. I have said some fucked up shit to her, the type of shit no one should say to anyone, and she keeps telling me it's fine, and I'm alright. It makes no sense to me. There's details I'm leaving out, but that shits personal. On the bus to Barcelona yesterday I wrote an acceptance letter for an award I'll never win with the mindset that maybe one day I'll get to make an acceptance speech, and use this one as a guide that I'll just point out how much has changed. Wanna read it? Wait for me to win an award mother fucker. I still want nothin more than to be home. But I'm too drunk to care. I'm on a beach and things are alright.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Barcelona

I’ve been gone from home for nearly 2 weeks now and I kind of hate it. I’m a bit of a weak man when it comes to being outside my element and feeling uncomfortable.

I got into Barcelona last night and drank a few too many beers. Ended up having a drunk nervous break down in the bathroom of the apartment I’m subleasing. I felt tired, alone, afraid, lost. Like I’ve been searching for something that doesn’t exist and I have no idea what it even is. I want to go home really and spend the rest of my days in bed with my cats. I want to lay in bed with a beautiful lady in my arms and let time slip away. I want to be comfortable.

So far all I’ve found that I really love in Europe is Italian accordion music. There’s something strangely poetic about hearing such melancholy tones and melodies in such a beautiful city. You look around and everything is old and falling apart, which adds to the charm of it all, and the streets are filled with tourists taking pictures but not bothering to take the time to really take in whatever it is they’re taking pictures of. Meanwhile there’s this beautiful, sad music faintly being played around the corner of every street.

I’ve also decided I want to rely less on technology for everything. It’s very impersonal. Even the written word can be hard to show emotion.

When I came out here I really wanted to take the time to do some writing, and instead I’ve felt drained and talentless, without any creativity in me. Though I’ve realized that everything I’ve been meaning to write has been sent through text to this young girl I’ve been trying to attract, and in turn have most likely scared away. The words exist though, but only one person will see them. At least I’ve been writing. I guess I just like getting a response for it. Speaking of communication, I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out how to communicate in places that don't speak English, and trying to come up with a more effective form of communication than a botched attempt at some form of pseudo sign language.

I want to go home.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Relapse

It's been a while since I wrote here. I lasted nearly 6 weeks of sobriety until I relapsed, and have been drunk just about every day since over the past 2 weeks. I have yet to really fall back into drugs besides a night of painkillers, and a few acid trips.

Since I relapsed, I've began to fuck things up again. I have lost two jobs, lost a girl, been shitty and depressed. Spent countless hours laying in my bed either awake, or asleep. Slept for days, stayed awake for days. Been dealing with some fucking bullshit insomnia for the last week, probably been averaging about 2 and a half hours of sleep a night.

In less shitty news, since I've burned a lot of bridges in Calgary over the past 2 weeks, and I really have not much left here, I've decided that I'm going to take off for a couple months. I leave for Vancouver on Tuesday morning. From there, I'll be flying to Edmonton for a wedding on Saturday, and then flying out from Edmonton to Zurich on Sunday, where I'm going to spend a month traveling around Europe before I fly to Chicago at the end of August and spend some time in America.

Since this is a chronicle of my triumphs, and faults, rise, fall, and redemption, or whatever fucking pseudo poetic non-sense I egotistically think is appropriate for labeling this pretentious ranting, I've decided to use this space to document my travels as honestly as fucking possible. How much stupid shit do you think a relapsed alcoholic can think to say while spending a month in Europe? Check back next week to find out.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Three weeks

In the book Psycho-Cybernetics, it says it takes 3 weeks to get over addiction. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks. I'm going to celebrate by going to the gym, going for a bike ride, AND going boating before work tomorrow. Weather permitting of course.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Two weeks

I've been sober for two weeks as of today, and I've kind of neglected this for the past 11 days. I just started feeling really great on the fourth day, and have been doing good ever since, so I haven't really felt the need to write anything down, but I figured tonight I would. Though I think this post will be more focused on just observations I've made, rather than withdrawal symptoms, and whatever. I also haven't felt depressed about myself at all in these 2 weeks, beyond the first couple days of withdrawals. Though, there has been things I've noticed that are truly depressing, but I'll get to that later.

But, I'll start with how things have been. The nightmares stopped about 10 days ago, and I'm on a pretty normal sleep schedule now. I usually fall asleep around midnight and wake up around 7 or 8 am, and waking up has actually been super easy. I've been filling a lot of my time with working, and exercising. I've been trying to go boating, for a bike ride, or both every day. Though it rained almost every day for the last week. I tried going for one rainy bike ride, but that wasn't very much fun so I threw in the towel after about half an hour, came home, and ordered a pizza and watched some X Files before I had to go to work. Getting back to the gym has been a little tough, since it's been a few months. It kind of bummed me out at first when I tried starting off with what I used to be able to do, and noticed how much strength I've lost, and my muscles were sore for days after. But I'll get back to it.

I've started reading quite a bit too. Currently working through a book called Miracle Boy by Pinckney Benedict, which is a collection of his short stories. I bought a bunch of his books a couple years back because I read that he was one of Mark Linkous' favorite authors, but until now I only ever got around to reading through one of the books, which was another collection of short stories called Town Smokes. I'm really digging his writing style, all the stories are about life in the southern states, and he has a great way of romancing the good and bad ideologies and aspects of the way things are.

For the first time in years, I've put most of my money towards things that aren't alcohol or drugs, and it's amazing how much money I'm saving, and the things I've been able to pay for that I've been neglecting for a while. With my last pay cheque I paid off nearly $500 of debt, bought a new bicycle and bike lock, bought a new pair of jeans (I didnt even own a single pair that wasn't full of holes until a few days ago), bought some new shirts, paid to renew my passport, bought tickets to a comedy show, went to a couple wrestling shows, went out for a few meals, bought a few packs of smokes, and I still have over $100 left over. Before being able to get all of that done would have either followed a good night at the casino, or taken me a few months. I guess I should also mention I was a gambling addict as well because I don't think I've mentioned that yet, and it's been 3 weeks since I've gambled.

I've still been hanging out at bars, mostly to check out bands, and I've really felt now desire or temptation to drink while I'm there, even when all my friends are drinking. I'll just have water, or a tea if it's available. I find I actually kind of like checking out bands more when I'm sober because the sounds more clear and I get a better idea of how it actually sounds, and it's just easier to focus on the music. I've also noticed that depending who I'm at the bar with, they'll drink less if they're around me and I'm not drinking. I was at a bar last night, and one of my friends said to me "Man, it's amazing, you must be saving so much money by not drinking, but what's even more amazing is that I'm saving money by you not drinking because I'm drinking way less now too." Which was kind of great. Mind you, I really don't care if my friends drink, or do drugs, because I know they're all smart enough to know when it's becoming a problem, and I'm definitely there for them if I start to notice it is. But I don't really expect anyone to act different around me just because I'm not drinking. At times I've contemplated asking a bartender if I can just get a ginger ale or something in a high ball glass so it appears to everyone else that I am drinking just because I don't want my sobriety to make anyone around me uncomfortable, but then I think about it and don't really see the point of trying to hide it.

All my close friends and family have been really supportive of my decision to clean up, which has been a big help really. I've also been emailing quite a bit with my friend/pen pal Angela Faye Martin, who lives in North Carolina and makes beautiful music ( http://www.angelafaye.com/ ), and she's been sending me some very kind and helpful words. Whenever I tell anyone that I see fairly often, but aren't very close with, that I've quit drinking, they always seem to assume that I'm just taking a break for a month or something. I really don't plan on this being a break, and I want it to be a more long term thing. I'm sure some day down the line I'll be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or something, but I really feel like I'm completely done with drinking to get drunk, or even to get a buzz on. I've noticed I've been just as capable of enjoying myself without being inebriated, and in a lot of cases actually enjoy myself more. At times I can get a little shy, and not really know what to say to people, but I'm getting used to it.

A big thing I've noticed over the last 2 weeks is how much my sense of time has changed. Since all my days aren't drunken messes that are blurred together, I've been getting a very cohesive sense of days, and time. The days are starting to seem longer, and I just have a clearer sense of everything that happened through out them. 2 weeks kind of feels like it's been months. And it's a good thing.

I'm noticing how obnoxious drunk people can be sometimes, and I guess how fucked up and backwards thinking some peoples priorities are in general. Last night I stopped at McDonald's at 3 am (yeah, I guess I'm still eating the Like A Mac's when I'm sober, no where else is open at 3 am, and I was hungry). The McDonald's seemed way under staffed for a Saturday night, they had 3 people working, and a line up of about 40 drunks waiting to order. I waited quietly in the line and listened in on the conversations that were around me, and watched the way people behaved. The majority of the conversations were about getting fucked up, getting in fights, fucking random girls, the internet, money, and just general douchebagness. I couldn't even count how many times I heard someone say the word "hashtag". Quite a few people were being incredibly rude to the staff for taking so long, which annoyed the hell out of me since I've worked in the restaurant industry for years, and saw how under staffed they were, and the amount of bullshit they were having to put up with. I really can't describe the behavior of the patrons, or the way they talked really, but it made me question what the hell happened in society to make this sort of behavior acceptable. I guess it can be described as backwards thinking self centered lovelessness. It really made me question if love even exists anymore, or I guess if love beyond love for yourself really exists anymore, or if it's just something that's lost almost entirely on this generation. It made me feel like camaraderie amongst the common man no longer exists, and that most people care about themselves, and only really themselves. I'm not saying everyone's like this, and I am truly blessed to know a lot of really amazing people, but it breaks my heart to see that this sort of behavior and attitude has become acceptable. Maybe my morals and ideals are just old fashioned.

It's now my bed time. I'm not sure when I'll write in this again. Maybe in 2 weeks when it's been a month, or maybe sooner. Who knows.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Day 3: withdrawals and shit

Today I went through hell. Woke up, wrote a post here, had a cup of coffee, got ready, and went to work. Within an hour of getting to work, I hit a brick wall of withdrawals. I felt like absolute shit, my insides felt like they were eating themselves, I couldn't stop shaking, I had a headache, I couldn't stop sweating, I was getting mild hallucinations (tracers and tunnel vision for the most part, though one time it felt like my chair was moving), my entire body was itchy non stop, I kept grinding my teeth, I felt like I weighed 1000 pounds, and I kept feeling chest pains. This lasted all day, and it was absolutely awful.

I worked a 9 hour day today dealing with this shit. I have never felt so shitty in my life. It felt worse than the sickest I've ever been, and a thousand times worse than any hang over. And all I could do is tell myself that it would get better, and it was worth it. And I believe it is.

But, some good things happened today, and I wanna focus on those, though maybe it would be best to focus more on the shitty so that if I ever need to look back on this, it would help me remember how absolutely shitty the whole thing was. I'm not really sure how to put it into words, so I'll just say this, it fucking sucked, and leave it at that.

By the time I was off work, I did feel like socializing though, and one of my friends bands was playing at a bar. I was pretty apprehensive at first to go to a bar, but I decided to say "fuck it" and go anyways.

When I got to the bar, I amazingly had absolutely no temptation or urges to drink what so ever. I mostly drank water. I really wanted a tea, but they didn't serve tea. What was amazing besides the lack of temptation and urges was that I've read a lot about people losing a lot of their friends when they quit drinking because they realize most of their friends are just drinking buddies. Well, this may be somewhat true, mostly all my friends and I really did for the most part was drink, but I hung out with a lot of them tonight, and not a single person asked why I made this decision, and every single one of them was supportive, which was amazing. A couple of them I noticed didn't even drink tonight, which I wouldn't have cared if they did, this decision is entirely for myself, and I don't give a fuck if anyone else drinks or not. One of my friends even walked with me to get a tea part way through the night. It felt great to know I really do have a really supportive, understanding group of friends that knows that this is something I really need, and we're still able to be friends regardless of whether or not I'm drinking or whether or not they are.

I'm at home now. and I feel good, and now I have to try to get to sleep after all the tea and coffee I've drank today so that I can get up early enough tomorrow to go out on a boat and read for a bit before I have to go to work.

[questforsobriety-blog]

Morning of the third day

I'm not sure if it's because I slept so much through out the day yesterday, but I had one hell of a time actually falling asleep last night. I'd lay in bed, absolutely exhausted, and I'd continually start dozing off, but it wouldn't get much further than that. This lasted for a few hours, and I don't think I actually fell asleep until around 3:30 am, or later.

Once I was asleep, the nightmares came back, and they were essentially altered versions of the nightmares from the night before. Exactly same premise to them, but the details were different (in the one where all the water coming from the tap in my house changed to alcohol, this time it was all the water at work, just small details like that changed). Woke up a couple times thinking that I'd caved to peer pressure and had an intense feeling of guilt, and then realized it was all just a dream.

Besides the trouble getting asleep last night, I had less trouble staying asleep. I think I only really woke up twice through out the night, and each time it was easier to fall back to sleep.

I have to go to work today for a 9 hour shift, and from what I've read, day 3 and 4 is when the detoxing and withdrawals really kind of start. So wish me luck I guess.

[questforsobriety-blog]

End of day 2

Today actually wasn't so bad. Woke up early after a terrible sleep, wrote a post on here about nightmares and night pain. Laid in bed and watched a couple episodes of the x-files, went for a smoke, threw my laundry from last night in the dryer, came back to bed and napped for a couple hours. Got up, had some coffee, another cigarette, had a shower, got dressed, decided to get out of the house for a bit and went for a hour and a half bike ride.

The bike ride wasn't bad, but about 15 minutes in I was completely out of breathe and realized how bad of shape I've let myself get into. Back in November of last year I got pretty into working out and was getting in good shape for one of the first times in my life. I was doing 45 minutes of weight training every day, followed by 45 minutes on the bike. I had also cut my drinking back substantially at this time (from 7 days a week to 4 or 5, hah), and cut cocaine back to about once or twice a month, I kept this up until shortly into the new year when I kind of fell off and started drinking day in day out almost every day and doing cocaine at least 3 times a week. Falling back into that shit caused me to lose my job, shut down my company, and add another failed relationship to my long list of failed relationships. Needless to say, after being completely out of breathe after a short 15 minute bike ride, the thought of how much I've fucked up kind of hit me and gave me the motivation to continue for another hour and 15 minutes, and that hour and 15 minutes was actually incredibly easier than the first 15 minutes. Right up until the very end of the ride when I was about 2 blocks from my house and a bee flew into my mouth and stung the inside of my lip. That sucked. I lost control and came within about a foot of crashing head first into a fence, but was able to regain and keep going, albeit a lot slower as i had one hand grasping my mouth trying to keep the pain down.

You can check out my bike ride here, if interested: http://www.mapmyride.com/workout/278535139?utm_campaign=share&utm_source=facebook&utm_content=207990619

Anyways, got home, had absolutely no energy left. Went right back to bed, put on an episode of the x files, and was out cold for about 2 and a half hours. Woke up right in time for WWE Raw, so I sat on the couch, watched that, ate a couple hot dogs, drank some tea, and now I'm back in bed.

For the most part, the only real thing that's been kind of awful today is that I've been completely exhausted all day. Can fall asleep within seconds of lying down. Besides that I actually feel alright.

Back to work tomorrow, and I hope I'm able to cope with being awake and being around people for a 9 hour shift. On the plus side, I work in a cafe so I have an infinite supply of coffee and tea to keep me going.