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[questioning-recovery]

Oops, I did it again

Purged for the first time in a long time. I can’t even remember the last time I purged. I just did it again a little while writing this. It’s been a couple years. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve lost all the COVID weight. I feel like I’m losing weight in a healthier manner than I ever have. Sure, it’s been a bit slow at times, but I’ve also been sane the entire time. It’s not like I even binge or anything. Yesterday I had a small turkey sandwich and some baked chips and in the evening I split a 12″ thin crust pizza and a salad with my husband over the course of the night. It wasn’t even over my calorie count for the day, really. If it was it was like ~100 cal over max. This is so dumb. It wasn’t like it was some teehee uwu mistake either, he went into the shower and I saw the brown bag our salad came in and just... threw up in it? And then I was like “okay, ew, I need to put this in the trash and throw out the trash” and then my brain was like “oh shit, I wasn’t actually done, I should throw up some more” but I didn’t want the sink to smell like puke so I threw up in my metal water bottle so I could dump it in the toilet. Then he got OUT of the shower, and I was like “brb need to use the bathroom” and dumped the water bottle in the toilet. Then I took the trash out, where I was going to throw up again, but a car came into the parking lot and was right by me so I was like “well shit, okay” and I almost went around the long way to a different door so I could fucking throw up in the bushes, but I was like “nah, let’s not start this shit again” so I went inside.

Done, right? No. I guess I forgot I decided I wasn’t going to do this shit anymore and this was just a fluke because when I walked in, he was vacuuming. And my brain was just like “aw, sweet. That’ll cover up the noise of me puking some more!” because somehow after all these years he’s still constantly on high alert to any kind of gagging sound no matter how quiet. So I puked some more!

But wait, there’s more. The fucking lettuce WOULD NOT GO DOWN. Panic! I flushed again, still no luck. Now the toilet is running so I have to wait. I pretend that I’m cleaning the bathroom and just flushing the paper towels I guess every 4 minutes or so? Lol. This goes on for like 5 flushes, still pieces of lettuce.  So, I have to get out the container from under the sink that I keep my flex discs in and DUMP allllll of those suckers OUT so I can scoop the lettuce bits up out of the toilet and pour it down my fucking shower drain. Fucking dumb.

Why did I just throw up some of my breakfast as soon as he left? Why don’t I care more or feel guilty or scared or... something? It’s like there’s not even an argument in my head or even really any kind of choice I’m making, it’s like autopilot “ding, fries are done” and I puke. Huzzah!

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NOPE (2022) + Costume Design Trivia

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Dinner! Latkes, pork loin and salad. 287 total + 320 (breakfast) 193 (lunch) bringing me to 800 even, isn't that fun when it happens? Might have an extra latkes or two, but I'm happy with the calories compared to the variety of foods I was able to eat!

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Lunch was 192. Dinner is soon! Still have around 400 to go!

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My goal today is around three full meals equalling ~900 calories. Breakfast comes in at 320. Eggbeaters, freshly sliced sharp cheddar, spinach and a healthy dose of pepper. No sugar added blueberry applesauce, cherry tomatoes and toast.

If all goes according to plan there will be some low cal latkes with dinner!

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so anyway

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I was craving snacks after a rough evening dealing with a migraine yesterday, so just snacks and videogames on this rainy day. 287 calories.

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Lunch today comes in at 316 calories. Chicken, bean and corn burrito bowl with jasmine rice, pico de Gallo, avocado and sour cream. Delicious!

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Shepherds pie! Now edited to include recipe as requested.

The original recipe is available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAG3S55D9C4 and comes in at a whopping 572 calories per serving as is.

Here are the switches I made to get it down to 337 calories:

1lb of lamb

I halved the amount of cooking wine to 6oz

2tbsp of flour vs 1/4 cup

brummel and brown margarine vs butter

1/4 cup 2% milk (maybe less, instead I save my potato water and use that as a low calorie replacement for most of the liquid.)

1 cup peas vs 10oz

1oz vs 2oz of cheese, and I used a vegan cheese

1 yolk instead of 2

Used closer to 1 and 1/2lbs potato

I also did half liquid aminos and half Worcestershire to save on some sodium, but that's more my cardiophobia vs any flavor or calorie saving reason.

With my swaps I found that the simmering/thickening part of the recipe took closer to 15 minutes vs the 30 in the original recipe. If you don't have mustard powder, dijon mustard will work great here. You’re going to want that tangyness from something, using some ketchup would also work to get some vinegary notes. Despite being a smaller shepherds pie I found that for the baking stage, to get the golden color, it still took the full 30 minutes.

You could take this further and make it a mere 268 calories if you use my swaps and use this recipe for the mash: https://vegangela.com/2012/12/21/mashed-cauliflower-with-roasted-garlic-chives/ 

And, if you wanted, you could get that down even further to around 210 calories if you use the cauli mash recipe, my swaps plus switching lamb for ground turkey. 

If you were to go this route, I'd almost quadruple all spices and use more Worcestershire as well since ground turkey is quite bland and tends to need a lot more spices to help it along. I would also definitely use stock for the simmering part (which I've included in the 210 calorie count, assuming you use 1.5 cups of beef stock for 44 calories/8 servings, equaling +5 calories per serving) of the recipe vs water. Preferably a beef stock to help impart some meatier flavor.

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Lunch comes in at 305 total. Simple chicken lettuce wraps and a yogurt.

Life is back to normal now, so I will be posting more often again. Thanks for your patience!

If there's ever a time you would like a recipe or brand name for something I post, let me know! Feel free to ask here or DM.

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High cal breakfast today, but fiance asked for eggy so sweetly I gave in and had some as well. It's alright, I'll just have a simple lunch. 395 so far.

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Lunch time comes in at 300.

Not too concerned as I've been spring cleaning all day which is its own kind of exercise. I've easily burned off 300 and certainly will have by the end of they day, which will leave around 600 calories for dinner.

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Hello again 😊

Things have been majorly stressful, we are anticipating a death in the family so have been unable to relax at all really during this break, which we desperately need to be able to do. Plus the cost of traveling back home is eating into our funds which is annoying.

I realize this may sound a bit cruel but fiance isn't close to the family member or the rest of the family either really and the passing person has had Alzheimer's for years now and has long forgotten anyone and everything in this realm. There will also be no funeral just a quick burial, but we are expected to attend nonetheless. Family much closer to the person, relationship wise and distance wise (within an hour drive) however are apparently relieved from such obligations 🙄

Not trying to sound cruel but now is currently the worst timing for us, especially fiance. FIL is so dramatic and constantly expects us to drop everything and dish out hundreds of dollars, our sanity and time to go down for reasons blown out of proportion and that have little to do with us.

•~°~•~°~•

Anyways, we're eating out of the local Japanese market and bakery because we don't want food to go to waste when we have to suddenly leave.

Breakfast is an airy Japanese cheese danish, orange and yogurt with jam. This is actually more like breakfast and a snack. I still have half an orange and the yogurt covered and in the fridge to eat, which I am about to do. 405 calories so far.

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Diet culture is hilarious and rad actually