quiddlemans-queries

[quiddlemans-queries]

Our Fallen Brother

I, Qenneth Quiddleman, write this installment of Quiddlemans Queries with a heavy heart. Just a few short days ago one of our own fell in the line of duty. Struck down in in the prime of his life! He was RIPPED AWAY from our sweet embrace! None of us will ever be the same, for here at Acq. Inc. we are, above all else, a family. 

But how did this happen? How did such a magnificent specimen and matchless warrior fall? Let me tell you the story of a hero and our dear friend, Magnus. 

Acting upon intelligence gathered from Tarina at the Elfsong Tavern, our heroes began their search for the dastardly Dead Three cultists at the local bathhouse. A seemingly peaceful place of relaxation and contemplation, the bathhouse was not at all what it appeared to be. What kind of bathhouse needs armed assassins guarding its steaming pools? A bathhouse positively REEKING of rose petals and poppycock! Our heroes, being the intelligent beings they are, saw through the ill fitting veil of lies and were beset by cloaked purveyors of death! Knives flashed, skulls flails flung, spells resounded, and not even the soothing tones of Enya could save these devilish creatures from their doom. The guards were quickly dispatched, and a clever magic item was used to discover a secret passage leading down to...the Dungeon of the Dead Three!

The stinking tunnels before them did not deter them from their goal. There would be death in the sewers tonight. Altars, bones, blood, and enemies were everywhere, but our heroes did not stop! Not even yellow mold can stop an Acq. Inc. Franchise employee! They were truly a sight to behold...even in the gnomes and halflings were a bit hard to see above the sewage. Just be glad it wasn’t company picture day! Ha! 

Using Colin the bat as a scout, our heroes made their way through the dungeon, one painful step at a time. A sorceress nearly claimed all their lives with a fireball, a methane explosion and collapsing roof almost crushed and singed them, flying gauntlets of death bludgeoned them within an inch of their demise, and wave after wave of cultists, zombies, and other terrible creatures tried to lay the Boat Party low...but this day was not one of death for our heroes (well...for most of them). 

As they made their way through the tunnels, they rescued a stinking rat of a man named Klim Jhasso. Being the cautious, wise, business minded, and thoughtful adventures that they are, our heroes gave him a sweet nickname (Klimothy), negotiated terms, and promptly took him into custody after he reneged on the deal he had just made. I do believe this swift action saved many lives. Who knows what nefarious plans this slime ball had in store for Baldur’s Gate!? We are watching you Klimothy...always watching. Are there no good people left in the sewers of the world? Well, maybe one. Our heroes also found a tiefling named Vendetta Kress who had been tortured at length. She said her tortures were looking for information about the Oathoon and Jhasso families, and almost killed her in order to obtain it. Throughout her captivity, she claimed that she continually heard the sound of scraping and slamming from the hallway behind her torture chamber. A possible way out? A secret lair inside of a secret lair? A day spa? Who knew? 

Before exploring this tantalizing new lead, our heroes cleared the rest of the dungeon in front of them, and found a sweet elderly lady shaking in fear and covered head to toe in blood. She told them a harrowing tale of woe and claimed that her captors had tried to drown her in blood in order to appease their god. Fighting through fear, this good and honest woman told our heroes of a secret passage just a passage away. She lead them there, and our heroes trusted her completely and without reservation...because she was the nicest lady they had ever met! Unfortunately, the passage was guarded by skeletons and a woman drenched in blood who was casting spells and striving to kill them. Poor Nebra...we still don’t know what happened to her in the chaos. If anyone knows of her whereabouts, please let us know posthaste! 

Bruised and bloodied from many encounters, our heroes began the last leg of their dungeon scourging. The sounds of battle cause them to peak around a dark corner. What they see is...well...disturbing. A large, ugly, incredibly bloody, club wielding man is standing on a small island in the midst of the sewage. Corpses float in the murky filth around him. Circling him is a man...of sorts. He is much smaller than his opponent, but he is carrying to lethal looking daggers, looks completely uninjured, and...his head is not a head. It’s just a flipping skull. Like no flesh whatsoever. Wouldn’t want to invite this fellow over for a tea party! 

Eleon begins playing a song to rally the big brute (who they want to win...I guess...and Mr. Skull Brain dashes off. The party quickly finds out that the big guy is Mortlock Vanthampur and he tells them that his family is trying to kill him...for reasons. He admits that he and his family have been backing the Dead Three Cultists in order to undermine the Flaming Fist (remember Captain Zodge...he is the reason our heroes are here). Duke Thalamra Vanthampur, one of the big wigs of Baldur’s Gate, is vying for power and Mortlock said he would provide all the information needed to take his family down IF our heroes help him kill Vaaz, AKA, Mr. Skull Brains. Surely Vaaz is not that strong. Not stronger than the Boat Party surely! They agreed to the deal, and sealed the fate of our beloved brother Magnus.

Colin found Vaaz kneeling before the statues of the Dead Three. Our heroes hatched a plan and began the attack. Mila takes knives to the chest as she enters the fight. Blood had been spilled and a taste of the battle to come was foreshadowed. The melee was intense and terrible. Vaaz could freeze the blood in your veins with just a glance, and freeze it he did. His knives danced, arrows flew, statues were smashed, spells flashed, and Magnus stood tall. On this battlefield, Magnus bore the searing pain of Vaaz’s blades so that others might remain unscathed. But in the end...as the smoke and bloody mist cleared, Magnus lay dying upon the stones. Spells and potions were administered, but there was a deep and evil magic in the festering tunnels of that dungeon, and no treatment was enough. Vaaz was conquered, but death was not satisfied. Death claimed our brother too...and also the big guy with the club who was supposed to tell us a bunch of useful information that could have really helped us but now he is dead and he was totally useless and now our job is harder because of him and I hate him. Sorry. My emotions are getting the better or me. I just miss Magnus. 

Anywho. the Boat Party took a bunch of dragony stuff and money and then got out of there. We planned a really nice memorial for Magnus but then some dragon masked dudes crashed the party and kept asking for their stuff back. We abide by that age old rule, “Finders Keepers” and told them to go hug a dragon. The refused to leave so they were killed. We are hospitable at Acq. Inc. but we are not THAT hospitable. They didn’t even wipe their feet on the mat. Heathens. 

Not knowing exactly where to go next, but having the lead concerning the Vanthampur family, our heroes struck out in search of further information. Certainly captain Zodge would not be happy about a Duke of Baldur’s Gate trying to undermine the cities governance. At the Resting Hog Tavern, our adventurers met with many individuals (Benjie, Twick, Wick, and some others) who gave them a few juicy bits of information. There have been rumors swirling about the Vanthampur family and most think they are up to no good. The Vanthampur Villa sounds like a fortress and at least Thurstwell (the eldest son) is there. They also found a lead on Amrik, who seems to be running something of a business out of the Low Lantern on the docks. 

Where will they go next? Will they infiltrate the Villa? Squeeze Amrik for information? Get totally distracted while shopping? Who knows! Tune in next time for a full update on the adventures of the BOAT PARTY! 

Until next time, dear reader! I bid you adieu!

This has been a Qenneth Quiddleman story. All rights reserved by Acquisitions Incorporated - Baldur’s Gate Branch - LLC.

OH! P.S. The Boat Party got a new intern. In order to keep the team running as seamlessly as possible, our fallen dragonborn has been replaced by a similar dragonborn. I think his name is Magnus 2.0. He likes to sleep on desks. He is youngster who is thirsty for blood! What a great kid. 

[quiddlemans-queries]

Welcome to Baldur’s Gate

Ahh, Baldur’s Gate. A place where dreams come true. Well actually, they get smashed upon the bloodied fist of reality and thrown into a well of tears, but sure, let’s go with the “dreams come true here” spin. After all, it’s important to stay positive in times such as these. Remember that city that you used to visit on holiday? You know...Elturel. The place with the beautiful gardens, soaring white towers, and the surprisingly affordable brunches? Yeah, it’s GONE! All that’s left is a crater and a growing horde of refugees that are taking shelter in this flea-ridden excuse for a city. I’ll be honest with you, these refugees are not being treated well. In fact, they are being beaten and robbed in the streets by the Flaming Fist soldiers. Good to know that in these tough times we can look to our officers of the law to be honorable and above reproach. 

Sorry, I’m getting distracted. You may be asking yourself, “Who is this guy?” That’s a good question! I am Qenneth Quiddleman, your Acquisitions Incorporated assigned PR representative. I’m here to tell your story and market your franchise in a way that makes Acquisitions Incorporated look good...no matter what. So, I’m basically just a teller of truths and the architect of the lens through which your heroism will be viewed! Let’s do a little recap, shall we...

It was yet another beautiful day in Baldur’s Gate. Our heroes were at their headquarters, which for reasons (mobility, awesomeness, waterfront views, hammocks, diving board, stability for a 1900 pound Dragonborn, multi-functionality, etc.), is a houseboat. It is no surprise to hear that, during these trying times, the governing body has turned to our heroes (representatives of the very successful and reliable Acquisitions Incorporated adventuring conglomerate) to bring stability and peace back to the city. Contrary to a few nasty rumors, the Boat Party (name pending) franchise was not drafted on the threat of government reprisal if they did not comply. Pish posh! Our brave heroes were begged to help the cause and volunteered (with the promise of payment of course) their services without a moment's hesitation. Captain Zodge certainly looked like he could use the help since our heroes' first interaction with him was...well...watching him beat displaced villagers and laughing as his men robbed them of their meager possessions. 

Their first mission was to meet the spy Tarina, and find out what she knew about the Dead Three (the gods Bane, Bhaal, and Myrkul) and their followers. Apparently, these rascals have been taking advantage of the current refugee crisis and the fear that has arisen since the Grand Duke Ulder Ravengard went missing (presumably dead) along with the city of Elturel. With their mission in hand, our heroes visited the last known location of Tarina, Elfsong Tavern. After some much-needed renovations to the taverns staircases, doorframes, and couches (facilitated by our very own Dragonborn Paladin, Magnus), our heroes engaged in a local tradition (Baldur’s Bones and drinking) to build trust and rapport. With a literal barrel of ale at their disposal, they quickly endeared themselves to the tavern regulars and to Tarina herself. It is here that our joyous journey takes a dark turn! Tarina was being hunted by pirates of the worst order! Accused of crimes she, um, definitely did not commit, Tarina beseeched our intrepid adventurers to stand by her side as she faced her accusers. Without the help of Acquisitions Incorporated, this damsel in distress would surely meet her end. But never fear! Acquisitions Incorporated strikes fear into the hearts of blaggards and its adventurers are nothing if not the heroes the common folk need! 

In preparation for their impending, er, negotiation, Mila obtained access to locked rooms (without even bothering the staff to ask for a key...how courteous!) in order to scout the front path. Magnus networked with a group of wise sages known as the Puffer Fishers and became, hm, enlightened. Jade took up a strategic position in a windowless storeroom and sent a bat to keep a lookout. The rest of our heroes took up positions around the tavern, made new friends, and furthered the brand. While they waited, the ghostly lamentations of an elven spirit rang forth in the form of a song. The elven spirit usually has a limited repertoire, but on this night the song was one never heard before by tavern goers. I have recorded it here for posterity.

O sing a song of Elturel, Of water, woods, and hill, The sun dawns on her rudy cliffs, And fields green and still. This land of long-abiding joy, Home of the strong and brave, Renowned by all, across the realms, And never once a slave.

O sing a song of Elturel, When foes are at her door, Her fields torn by cloven feet, From some infernal shore, Arise the mighty Hellriders, Take up your swift, keen swords, Then charge into the hellish fray, And scatter devil hordes.

O sing a song of Elturel, And when the night does fall, Sleep safe beneath Companion’s light, Until the dawn does call. We’re bound by mortal covenant, That only ends with death, And so we’ll sing of Elturel, Until our final breath. 

Our heroes may discover a mystery in those lines, but that is yet to be determined! Barely had the last notes faded from their ears when the pirate filth made their entrance. Mila reacted with the reflexes born of a thousand successful missions and secreted herself in a newly renovated couch...where she began the task of selecting the tools of negotiation best suited for such an encounter. Always the gentleman, Magnus greeted each pirate as they entered the Elfsong. The last pirate to enter the tavern was given such a hearty greeting that he collapsed to the floor under the sheer weight of such excellent hospitality. Captain Dead-Eye opened aggressive negotiations rather quickly and Ezra, Eleon and Tarkin stepped forward to defend the honor of the fair damsel Tarina. Hoping to trick Dead-Eye into thinking our heroes were overmatched, which I can assure you they were not, Tarkin took multiple body blows from a cutlass and fell to the floor...feigning defeat. Overconfident, the pirates let out bellows of victory! This was just the opening our adventurers needed! Our brilliant Jade was able to convince many of the pirates to take some r and r and after a physical reorganization of the pirates' bodily infrastructures, some pointed arguments really sank into Dead-Eye. Many of the pirates needed Magnus to hammer some of the details into their heads over and over, but in the end, the whole mess was mopped up, and the pirates were convinced to never again bother Tarina or any other living soul! What a resounding success! Those are the results you can expect from an Acquisitions Incorporated franchise! 

We left our heroes as they were about to meet with Tarina and hear what she has to say about the Dead Three and their followers! They know not what adventures await them, but you can be sure that when you are in need of a hero, look no further than your local Acq. Inc. branch. We’ll keep the torch lit for you! 

The next installment of Quiddleman’s Queries will be featured in the upcoming ten-days first-day edition of the Baldur’s Gate Daily News (page 4). Back issues available upon request. Processing fee required. For a weekly subscription, contact the Acq. Inc. home office (terms and fees apply). All subscriptions are subject to change without notice. All subscriptions are lifelong and non-negotiable. All contracts regarding subscriptions are binding. Lifelong subscriptions cannot be canceled without approval from a notary, an elf in good standing, two drunk dwarves, a masked Lord of Water Deep, and Jim Darkmagic (the real one). Failure to comply with any and all contracts made with Acq. Inc. will lead to punishment to the fullest extent of the law, even unto death by hanging. Our current subscription is on sale for the low cost of 5 gold pieces per month for the first two months (price of subscription after the second month is TBD and fluctuates wildly depending on the mood of the CEO)! Act now! This deal won’t last long!

Until next time, dear reader! I bid you adieu! 

This has been a Qenneth Quiddleman story. All rights reserved by Acquisitions Incorporated - Baldur’s Gate branch - LLC.