quietandtired - Tumblr blog

[quietandtired]

my mother asks me when im getting married

but i recall the yelling outside the door when she and my father disagree

i remember the loneliness she wears like a shawl in a house that is in her name but not for her

and i wonder why do you wish to condemn me like you

[quietandtired]

there are words i will never unhear from mouths i can never look at the same again

[quietandtired]

i want to know if there are parts of me worth loving because its abundantly clear that the whole of me is not

[quietandtired]

i think im looking for a salvation that doesnt exist

[quietandtired]

i’ve never been a good artist and i don’t think i was made to be one, some people can look at blank canvases and slabs of marble and bring out beautiful paintings and sculptures that defy texture, but i can barely carve out a space in the lives of people who’ve known me since i was born

[quietandtired]

how often do you need to be left behind to realize it was never you? and how do you become ok with the fact that you are not a person needed in anyone's life? and once you come to terms with never having been loved and knowing you will never be loved by anyone in any capacity, where do you go from there? what are you supposed to do?

[quietandtired]

i’d like to know what it’s like to be a first choice

[quietandtired]

sometimes i wonder if the distinction between your children is not innate submission but fear derived obedience and mercy that one never saw

[quietandtired]

learn the difference between resources and children

[quietandtired]

if you feel entitled to my assistance and presence then you must be aware that you are also entitled to my rage

[quietandtired]

do not look for me for if i wanted to be found i wouldnt have disappeared

[quietandtired]

you know that moment when you realize that ya maybe the people you thought would have faith in you actually think of you as the ground they walk on, ya how do you deal with that? at what point do you stop feeling like everything is because you arent enough or because you suck and just lack basic human social abilities and that you're a burnout but with nothing to burn out from and when do you stop the cycle of maybe if you were better because you're never going to better because if it hasn't happened yet it never will where do you go from there?

[quietandtired]

i just want to know how it feels to be good enough

[quietandtired]

if I could I would cut myself out of my own life

[quietandtired]

lmao block me if u will or get mad at me but desi men dont hold a candle to how much desi women do for the family and all and they get away so much bullshit that desi women would be disowned for so lmao fuck ur bs about desi men have it hard too

[quietandtired]

I don’t want to be a pushover. I don’t want to end up that person who always gets put in the worst positions because she doesn’t complain. I don’t want to be looked at like nothing more than a pawn. I want to feel important, irreplaceable, like something in me matters. I want to matter

[quietandtired]

I am afraid that no one likes me and that I cut people off too quickly but hold on too long at the same time. It terrifies me to think that people will one day let go of me and I will be left behind wondering what the final straw was. I am beyond horrified that one day people will realize how mediocre I am, how I cause too much drama, how everything I do is a problem with no solution, how I lack basic social capabilities, how I can’t do anything right and it scares me one day, people will notice all of that and leave and their only response as to why will be “you.” I am afraid that people will see that I am beyond desperate for attention, for affection, for a little bit of stolen time that I know is only mine. I am afraid they’ll get tired of me and abandon me for better things. I am afraid that one day all my self-consciousness will eat me alive and people will see nothing worth holding onto so I’ll be stuck with more broken pieces when I haven’t figured out how to put together the first puzzle. I am terrified that I don’t fit in. I am terrified that I exude the angst of a stereotypical teenager and the desperation of the outcast. I am terrified of never being loved but always being lost. I am just tired of being me.