rabidcriterion

[rabidcriterion]

okay so i just got back from a party. its 1am ans my mum wakes up as i come in and asks why i didn't text her back all night. i said i did, and also sent her my drive home, because thats the truth. she tells me goodnight and i go to my bedroom to sleep

why the hell on the bed they have left a piece of paper with details for a house to rent in the next suburb over. its $650 a week. i make about $1000 a week. what the fuck

[rabidcriterion]

mind you, i came home before 11 last night. this is just one of the things she hates, is me being out past 9

my mum just stormed in my bedroom, threw the cat at me and yelled something at me about how i can take care of her since i came home at 12 last night. i just let her out of my room and i was going to get her as soon as she meowed to be let out since she usually aimlessly wanders around for a bit first

i NEED to get the fuck out if here as soon as possible. i posted about this to my close friends story on Instagram and i specifically added my friend that keeps talking about me moving out with them to my close friends for it. they've been telling me SINCE THE END OF LAST YEAR that their ex boyfriend will move out and i can move in (which doesn't make sense because ever since they broke up, he's had to pay less in rent, in the middle of a cost of living and housing crisis). like i seriously need someone to move out with who isn't so ridiculously annoying that i will end up snapping and killing on sight and someone who also isnt already super close to me because ive never moved out on my own before and im sure to fuck something up., and i cant live alone because the cost of living is just too high. i looked at some places near my work and theyre all very reasonably priced, but i just wouldnt be able to afford it on my own

im just. so over not having any fucking agency over my life because im holed up in my parents house. at 25. i have the money to move out i just dont want to blow it all

[rabidcriterion]

my mum just stormed in my bedroom, threw the cat at me and yelled something at me about how i can take care of her since i came home at 12 last night. i just let her out of my room and i was going to get her as soon as she meowed to be let out since she usually aimlessly wanders around for a bit first

i NEED to get the fuck out if here as soon as possible. i posted about this to my close friends story on Instagram and i specifically added my friend that keeps talking about me moving out with them to my close friends for it. they've been telling me SINCE THE END OF LAST YEAR that their ex boyfriend will move out and i can move in (which doesn't make sense because ever since they broke up, he's had to pay less in rent, in the middle of a cost of living and housing crisis). like i seriously need someone to move out with who isn't so ridiculously annoying that i will end up snapping and killing on sight and someone who also isnt already super close to me because ive never moved out on my own before and im sure to fuck something up., and i cant live alone because the cost of living is just too high. i looked at some places near my work and theyre all very reasonably priced, but i just wouldnt be able to afford it on my own

im just. so over not having any fucking agency over my life because im holed up in my parents house. at 25. i have the money to move out i just dont want to blow it all

[rabidcriterion]

im starting to wonder if i can only feel good in my personal life if there is a crisis or stress at work

that way theres no reason to actively (or even sometimes unknowingly) self sabotage my friendships or just relationships with others in general

[rabidcriterion]

just wrote this up, considered posting it to instagram close friends and then decided it makes me feel so ugly i dont even want the people im closest to to see it.

so it goes - sees post of people who put me In A Situation - rage at how they treated me - rage at self for not moving on - disgust at self for being angry. i guess thats how the spiral occurs.

so now i have to try to remember how a tune goes to try and redirect my thought patterns away from it

[rabidcriterion]

also the fact that they are grossly misinterpreting what's going on in my personal, private relationships and then going around and telling that misinterpretation to other people :/

it's so fucking weird to have an ex friend pass judgement on what i get up to in my intimate relationships. like. i dont talk to anyone about what i do intimately at all anymore, and even then, I didn't share details out of respect for my partner. but i stopped talking about anything intomate at all, solely because i was so worried that i had unwittingly crossed a line with this person, which in turn lead to them not being my friend anymore and blocking me everywhere. like, this worry has been gnawing away at me for about NINE MONTHS. only for me to find out that. it was just his problem. i was in two minds about it, one of which was that it was his problem, but just. having closure enough to know that after so long of internalising it is sooooo weirddd.

but i just found out through a new friend that he's going around telling people that im hurting those i care about most? that crosses a boundary i have, since i wasnt the one to disclose this information, my partner was. which put me on a tricky situation now, because i kinda want to ask her not to disclose anything at all, to anyone. not that she's been doing it recently. to my knowledge anyway

[rabidcriterion]

it's so fucking weird to have an ex friend pass judgement on what i get up to in my intimate relationships. like. i dont talk to anyone about what i do intimately at all anymore, and even then, I didn't share details out of respect for my partner. but i stopped talking about anything intomate at all, solely because i was so worried that i had unwittingly crossed a line with this person, which in turn lead to them not being my friend anymore and blocking me everywhere. like, this worry has been gnawing away at me for about NINE MONTHS. only for me to find out that. it was just his problem. i was in two minds about it, one of which was that it was his problem, but just. having closure enough to know that after so long of internalising it is sooooo weirddd.

but i just found out through a new friend that he's going around telling people that im hurting those i care about most? that crosses a boundary i have, since i wasnt the one to disclose this information, my partner was. which put me on a tricky situation now, because i kinda want to ask her not to disclose anything at all, to anyone. not that she's been doing it recently. to my knowledge anyway

[rabidcriterion]

bro im so.

we're having a renovation on our bathroom right now. its the only one in the house, so it's fucked up my morning routine for heading out to work significantly. you know porta potties? well apparently they make porta showers too!! my bedroom also shares a wall with the bathroom, so we had to remove all of the photo frames and anything else off the wall so it won't fall and break.

on top of that, my relatives who live in the country just so happened to have to visit (they couldn't possibly stay in a hotel, apparently it's an entirely new skill for my newrly 50 year old mother to say no) and stay for about a week. they go to bed early and wake early, which means that every night at 9pm every light in the house had to be off, and if i needed water (which i would usually go to the bathroom to get) or pain management or anything else, i couldnt get it.

i returned from being away over the weekend to find the pillows from my bed were missing because my parents had decided to clean them, and didn't bother putting them back

all of these small changes have had a pretty big impact on my life at home, before the renovation i sold/donated a lot of my stuff that was just taking up space, and because of removing the photos from the wall there is still just as much clutter lying around as there was before. sellijg and donating that stuff took a lot of effort for minimal impact, and i only did that because my parents suggested it. i am finding it all very stressful.

so then my mother comes up to me in the kitchen this morning, whispering even though i have music blasting through my headphones. i take a second to pause what's playing and remove my headphones to hear her better and then she repeats about the same thing she just said. for no reason she repeats herself again, all without getting to the actual fucking point of what she was saying. it also sounded like she was telling me to do something. after her failing to tell me what it was for the third time in a row, i asked if she could get to the point, and then she told me i was rude and stormed off.

i dont know why this is pissing me off so much. i guess being 25 years old and having no other options but to live at home is why. i fully can't be an adult when my parents are around. i cant cook because theyre already putting on dinner every night when i get home, except for when they arent, in which case they dont always tell us. i went out last night for around an hour and was home by 10pm. on a friday night. my mum cracked it at me because i didnt tell her i was going anywhere. (mind you, if i mentioned i was going anywhere, i wouldnt be! she wouldnt allow it)

oh also i came home yesterday and found the one pillow thats been missing from my bed for a week, which i was beginning to think my parents had thrown out. it was thrown into a corner and had black marks on it where there were none before. what was the fucking point in washing it then if it was only going to get dirtier?

[rabidcriterion]

bro okay what is going on

i was scrolling through some of my friends' insta stories (we're more like acquaintances at this point tbf) and. okay i wanna be vague here yeah this is just. a stress blog but one of them had posted something that felt targeted at me, and it's fairly niche so. i just checked to see if they were still following me and theyre not. ugh

like at this point. i can totally understand why someone wouldnt want to go and talk out an issue they're having with someone if it isnt super worth it or if you're worried they'll lash out at you but. what is it that im doing. i feel this like. dread about knowing what it is but then at least i could try to work on it

[rabidcriterion]

mkay these last couple of days have been hell. heres why

work on saturday was a piece of shit cause we didn't have enough staff and my boss is also a cunt. i said mercury must be in gatorade to one of my coworkers and she laughed so hard she cried. i think she has other stuff going on so i legit wanted to die the rest of the afternoon since that happened because the rsd was so much. not going into too much detail otherwise but just know it was like one of if not the worst days ive ever had at work

then yesterday on sunday i wanted to go and see Girl so i asked if i could and she seemed fine with it, which is great because Sundays are the best for seeing her rn. why the fuck she disappears for like two hours so im just sitting around in my house waiting on her to confirm and then she. finally does so i drive all the way to her house (i take one wrong turn right by her house and it fucks everything, the car is also hot as fuck because the aircon is broken) and then of course by the time i show up she seems to have changed her mind so i wait for a more. informative response from her. (legit sat in the park across from her house so i could air out the sweat from driving there) and then she says she actually doesn't want me over so i. get up go back to my car and leave. that was bad enough but guess what else??

on the one worst day for it, my mum cracks the shits at dad. it was really bad this time, reminds me of when i was a kid. dad didnt like that she was getting stuff out of the cupboards to try and tidy them up, some shit about how it's a sunday and that's when youre meant to be relaxing (not that it matters to him, he's fucking retired). he must've said something to her about it, because i was in my room when i started hearing her throwing things and slamming doors and stomping through the house. she's off her hormone medication so she's a terror to be around again. at one point she came into my room to tell me that id better check whether the pipe leaking into the bathroom wall is also leaking into my wall (the other side is moldy. i also assumed it must be leaking into my wall because why the fuck wouldnt it be). i eventually left and went into the neighbours house with my spare key (with permission from them first, since they're not here atm) to try and get away from her but she knew id left and tried calling me and i missed it. she was so mad at me, when i tried telling her that id gone over just to feed the neighbours pets on my own initiative instead of making her do it she got so pissed off. she asked how i knew what to feed the pets and how much and i told her i asked my neighbour and she said "did you tell them we're fighting too". shes so unbelievably disgusting sometimes. like she must know the hell she puts us through.

I've been awake for an hour now, but i dont want to leave my room in case she's out there. i thought she was going in to work today, but now i have no clue whats going on. i think i can still hear her walking through the house. i'd better get up though, i have a few appointments to get to today, so at least that's a way to stay away from her

I can't believe this shit is still happening to me. i can understand a bit more now about how and why she gets mad, but im an adult who lives in my parents house. i just want to get the fuck out but there's a housing crisis. I can't be myself or do what i want or even just live. i cant remember the last time i baked or cooked for myself because everyone here gets pissed off at me for using things im not meant to or forgetting to wash something. i get that its my bad for these things but also the level of vitriol that im met with for what, by all other accounts, seems to be a minor infraction is just. so unreasonable that id rather not risk it. especially with the way things are now

[rabidcriterion]

okay so not as rabid as usualll but im doing a little writeup of a situation i am in because i am not quite sure what is. Goaing Oan

soooo like ages ago i was added to this discord server, it belonged to a friend i met at a convention and their group of friends was in there. it was a while ago, im not sure how long but at this point it would've been over a year ago. last year was. a shitfight because i was so busy with work, and since then I've inly become more busy, so I didn't really go in there very often. i do remember maybe joining an active voice chat a few times, but i dont think i was in there for very long each time, the longest i was in there was probably under thirty minutes? not sure, this was a while ago

anyway, i think at some point i left the server (it was a minecraft server by name, and i don't play that much anymore). i have no idea if i personally made the decision to leave or what. i just don't know.

i was hanging out with a friend last night and they were scrolling through a discord server and i recognised some of my friends in there. i asked them about it and they told me it was the same server. in the moment, i felt like making more of an effort to talk to and befriend this group of people, as i am no longer as stressed as i was with work (but still very busy) and so i asked them if they could send me a link. they said something to the effect of it wasn't their server so they didn't want to hand out links, which is fair but the way they said it struck me as being a bit odd. so, i messaged the person who owned the server and asked if i could be let in (on my friends advice). they messaged me back saying that "a few of the admins and mods were uncomfortable with you in their space" and that they would "double check with them but it isnt looking too good right now"

which leads me to where i am now. i havent been in this server for at least a good six months, but probably much longer. i thought i left, but i was possibly removed? im really unsure about the circumstances to be plainly honest.

i know that if anyone is reading this, i probably sound like your average socially unaware loser who was clearly being an asshole in some way im not disclosing in my post but. because it was a while ago now and ive been so busy, im having trouble remembering my interactions in there - but in my interactions with others i do a lot to ensure that im being polite and friendly with others. i just have no clue what i could have done, either online or in person to make these people so uncomfortable.

this also reminds me of a very unfortunate situation a few years ago where i had a nasty argument with someone who was previously a close friend, and they told all of our mutual friends that i had told them to kill themselves (i hadnt, we'd just had an argument). i had worked very hard to build that connection with those friends, and because they were closer with the other person, they had believed them. i foind i was suddenly uninvited from the group chat, and when i went to go and say my usual hellos to them (because at the time i had no idea about the rumour) they all reacted very strangely and all seemed incredibly uncomfortable, so i left them alone after that. this incident caused me to socially isolate myself for years, rather than pushing everyone to tell me why i was making them uncomfortable. i still havent heard directly from those people today, which would be fine if they showed no interest in talking to me, but at a convention towards the end of last year, they came up to me and asked me where I'd gone, and have been friendly since, but the level of that seems to fluctuate back into them shunning me, for reasons I'm unsure of.

this situation did a lot of damage to me, but i dont want to flip out just because the situation im in now reminds me of the last one. unless they tell me what's wrong (which i dont think they will) I can't really learn anything specific from it, so i guess at this point i just have to try and be more careful in social interactions with others in the future and try not to let it bother me? i just have no clue other than that

[rabidcriterion]

okay so i finally got to quit my job today and like. i went out last night to a friend's birthday dinner and tonight i went out to another friend's birthday dinner in the same group and my mum cracked the shits at me when i mentioned that it was for the same group and basically cried and guilted me into comforting her because i. didn't stay home to put up the tree. apparently the tradition is to put it up only on fridays and saturdays which. of course i have never ever heard before

and so of course i had to sit and listen to her fucking crying about it and listen to dad tell me that she's had such a tough year like. bro what the fuck do you think i quit my job for? this year was fucking hellish

i just wanted to kinda do something nice for myself to celebrate that this is over. i've been feeling sad on and off today all day, nearly crying at work and shit.

it feels like something's been taken from me with work too. like i really liked the actual work for the most part, it was just shitty behaviour from students and coworkers and parents and management that did it really. and so i feel like i've somehow lost a massive opportunity to have an okay job

and i didn't read the stupid listing for my new one properly and i forgot that it's only for six months and. oh my god it's good to be out of that job, it really is but i'm just. i want to know for certain that it'll be okay and that i'll be away from any situations like the one i just left. and i had to leave my coworker bestie behind at my job and she's so nice and lovely and they were mean to her too and i just feel horrible about it!!!!

i'm crying typing this i'm just so upset by everything right now. i can't even cry loudly because my parents will hear and want me to talk about it, they never leave me alone when i'm crying anymore they always force themselves into my room and make me talk about it. i've never had a history of self harm or anything they're just really fucking annoying because they think it's the only way

i hate having to parent my own mother i hate being forced into it i hate living in this house and i hated my job. at least that part's over now but now i have to spend the holidays in this stupid house with these stupid fucking people who never fucking GO anywhere so they're always around

[rabidcriterion]

girl i've been talking to for a few months now just told me that i feel like an older sibling to her.

i'm gonna be sick

[rabidcriterion]

hiiiii i never even talked about how bs the situation wasss. i'm not mad about it rn but i just remembered i have this blog so maybe i'll talk about it when i'm actually pissed

[rabidcriterion]

Lmao trying to find new discord servers to make friends in and. I have like shit luck or something

Just joined a new server last night and the verification full on included sending some random 18 yr old kid a picture of ur face with ur I'd (oh but you're allowed to black out everything but ur dob and photo) and once I did get in there the convo was dry as fuck

Anyway I tried talking in there again this morning (just said hello) and like legit immediately some cunt checks my roles, sees that I use they/them pronies and starts talking about how they don't make sense

I ignored the kid and he stopped but it was really bullshit honestly

[rabidcriterion]

i am so fucking furious right now

my dickhead dad put off painting the house for literal years, even a year after he retired, and now he's finally fucking doing it in the hottest part of the year, literally ANGLE GRINDING right outside my window while i'm trying to participate in a craft event in this discord server like cmon man

it just fucking feels like no matter what i do, whenever i'm in a veecee and finally chilling out talking to people my parents come in and tell me to shut up or to do some chore and it's always at the worst fucking time and they're always fucking yelling and banging on my door to get my attention

i've literally been telling my mother just to knock on my door. JUST KNOCK for years but she always either a. knocks on the door and opens it without waiting for me to acknowledge her or b. bangs on the door really loud while yelling through the door about something she wants me to do. like fuck off

[rabidcriterion]

Also like the worst thing is when you're doing the right thing and waiting your turn to speak about something and people just keep butting in front of you about the topic or whatever. Or even change the topic before you get a chance to say anything. Literally fucking annoying like who's talking too much about themselves now?